CRASH FILM REVIEWS - U-571
Crash: Hello… welcome to
CRASH BANDICOOT FILM REVIEWS!!
Crash, Coco, Danni, and Darwin are using a 'Beatles' type yellow submarine as they glide through the murky depths!!
Crash: Today… we are going to review what had promised to be a good
film!!
Coco: Until we learned the truth about it!!
Danni: Today’s flick 'U-571', is an action-packed submarine thriller that's... well basically action!!! No drama in it whatsoever!!
Darwin: Hey mates!!! Are you sure it's a good idea for us to use a corny submarine to sink Cortex's battleship?
Crash: Keep steering... they'll never suspect us!!
Coco: Anyway, that's the problem with today's flick!! U-571 mat have lots of action, but there's no drama really added to the batch!!
Danni: And when there is drama the director accidentally mixed suspense with stupidity!! When those Americans on board the ship were listening quietly to the torpedoes outside the director wanted us to think they were being dramatic by whispering to each other!! As it turns out they whisper to each other as if they were on a golf course and not a war!
Crash: And furthermore... you could tell they shot this in a tank!! For the guys swimming in the ocean you can tell they aren't really drowning! You can see them squatting in three feet of water for cripes sake!!
Darwin: I got something!! I'm looking through the periscope!!
Darwin raises the periscope as it scans the ocean!! He sees the silhouette of a ship in the distance!
Darwin: Cortex's ship... dead ahead!!
Crash: Found it!! Fire the torpedoes!!
Coco: Crash, this is 'The Yellow Submarine'! We don't have any
torpedoes!!
Crash: Then let's do it like they did in 'U-571'! Let's pretend we're a
rescue crew and secretly capture them!!
Darwin: What if they don't need rescuing?
Crash: Then we'll be in a 'Pizza Delivery' submarine!!
Danni: Whoever heard of a pizza submarine!?
Crash: It'll be a new wave for the NAVY!! Let's go!!!
The Yellow Submarine moves through the water and nears the ship!!
Crash: All right then!! Remember how they did it in the movie!! Be friendly, then… BAM! Hit ‘em when they’re down!!!
Danni: Crash... they'll know too much!!
Crash: Got the weapons!?
Darwin: Yep - machine guns, grenade launchers, M-16s…
Coco: Goodness! Be careful with those - those are very dangerous!!
Crash: Okay then... let's go!!!
The submarine emerges from the deep!! They go near the ship!! A
voice on the intercom from the ship speaks!!
Voice: Who are you?
Crash: A Pizza Delivery Submarine!!
Voice: It's about time you showed up! Bring that anchovy olive
surprise pizza pie up here now!!
Coco: They knew about this!?
Crash: While Darwin steered the ship… I phoned ahead!!
Danni: Here's the pizza boxes!! Are you sure it'll work!?
Crash: Follow my lead!!
They board the ship and see a guard there!!
Crash: We got the pizza here!!
Guard: Lemme see it!!
The guard opens the pizza box… but the box releases gas and the guard is knocked out!!
Crash: Perfect… and no one spotted us!!
Darwin: Here are the weapons!!
Voice: PUT YOUR WEAPONS DOWN!!!!
They are immediately surrounded by armed NAVAL troops!!
Crash: We've been spotted!! And this usually works in those action movies!!!
A man in a green uniform steps up them!!
Man: I AM SERGEANT SPITZ!!!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF BILL CLINTON ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!?!!?!?
Crash: The jig is up!! We're on Cortex’s secret ship!! Now tell us where he is!!!
Sgt. Spitz: CORTEX!!!?!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU LITTLE ORANGE DOG-FACED DIPSTICK!?!?!?!?
Coco: Hey don't talk to my brother like that!! I think we made a simple mistake!!!
Sgt: Spitz: DAMN RIGHT!! BUT IT AIN'T SIMPLE!! YOUR DUMB BROTHER... TRIED TO HIJACK A U.S. NAVAL SHIP!!!
Darwin: Oh… shoot!
Sgt. Spitz: YEAH… OH SHOOT!! IS THAT ALL YOU GOTTA SAY!! TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE DOING ON A NAVAL SHIP!!!
Crash: Hey don't worry guys… I'll handle this!
Coco: Uh Crash... maybe I...
Crash: No… trust me!! Sgt. Spit…
Sgt. Spitz: IT'S SPITZ STUPID!!!!
Crash: Spitz… sorry! You see, we're merely tourists who wanted to climb aboard your ship and take some pictures of everything on the ship so we can take it back home to show everyone!!
Complete silence!!
Crash: I think I got through to him!!
Sgt. Spitz: SO YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FRIGGIN COMMIES!?!?!!? YOU DARN FREAKS ALWAYS WANT TO SEE WHAT WE HAVE… SO YOU COULD COPY US!!!! WELL THE ONLY THING YOU'LL TAKE PICTURES OF IS THE KITCHEN!! THAT'S WHERE YOU'LL BE WORKING UNTIL WE GET YOU TO THE U.S. SUPREME COURT TO IMPRISON YOU!!!!!
NOW GET DOWN INTO THE KITCHEN… AND MAKE THESE BOYS SOME LUNCH!!!!!!!
Down in the galley, Crash, Coco, Danni, and Darwin are wearing chains around their ankles, have hairnets on their heads… and are washing dishes!
Crash: Well..this pretty much wraps up the show!! In short… U-571 was an action packed film with too much action, no drama, and no way believable!!! We give it:
A 1 wumpa fruit rating!! O
Note: (O's stand for Wumpa Fruits)
Danni: Hey... pass me the sponge!!
Crash: I lost it!! I'll ask the nice black guard there if he'll give us another one… hey um... guy!! Could you...
Black Guard: (Pointing his gun at Crash's head) Get back to work or I'll bust you up!!!
Crash: Point taken!!
THE END
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