sugar and spice my ass
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day
A Horny Superman
Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny.
Not Too Smart Bank Robbers
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank.
The Mirror
A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house.
Cow Milking
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
Cinderella
Cinderella was sitting on her porch
Senile
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
THE PRIZE
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him
A massive gorilla
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning,
Two Managers
Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.
Nail On The Wall
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions
Blizzard in North Dakota.
I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman
A DOSE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE
This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine,
Fishermen
There were 2 fishermen out in a boat on a lake.
25th anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel
Pepper
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The Turtle
A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat
Take a picture
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
A cowboy bar
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer
Caught Shaving
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend"
Growing wild
A thoroughly-tanned man was admiring himself
IRS
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
FREE BEER!
A new guy in town walks into a bar
Special Code
A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex,
Clinical psychology
John just graduated from clinical psychology
A wife chocking
A man was visiting his wife in hospital
Breasts Enlarge
A woman in the bar says that she wants
Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.
Your ass on drugs
Monday, two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
Second Opinion
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The 20th Floor
There were these two guys in a bar,
Polar
There's this polar and he wants to know
Blind date
After being with her all evening,
Virgins married each other
There was these newly weds that were both virgins
Alien
Two guys immigrate to America.
Detatchable....
A man and woman meet in a bar and start to dance.
Follow the sign
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland
3 sisters
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day
A police officer
One night, a police officer
THE TRIAL
At a rape trial the young victim was asked
Royal Wedding
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
Cowboy In A Barber Shop
A cowboy walked into a barber shop,
Health Plans...HMO vs. PPO
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals,
Honeymoon Night
A male and a female golfer who met on the course
A frog & A Fly
A frog sees a fly above the water of a lake.
Two astronauts
Two astronauts, a man and a women, were on a mission
A hamburger shop
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
past an 8 year old girls house.
One day as he is passing by, carrying a football,
he can't resist taunting the girl.
He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game,
and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries
to her mother,"I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's,
her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy
when he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football,
"Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and
only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting
for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants,
and pointing to his most private
of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these
and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and asks her,
"Well, I guess I showed you!"
to which she promptly pulls up her dress,
points to her parts and proclaims
"My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these
I can
have as many of THOSE as I want!
So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building
and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is.
Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay.
Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her
because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.
Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around
and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him
who the best piece of ass is.
Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good
and tells him to look her up.
Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.
He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.
He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet,
I can be in and out of that so fast
she'll never know what hit her.
So, he flies down does his business
and in 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away.
Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?"
Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"
After several days of planning they agree on the best plan.
The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank
relatively easy thanks to their planning.
Once inside the main vault they discover one wall
is full of safety deposit boxes
and start to work on them immediately.
They drill and pry open the first box
only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says,
"Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding.
They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box
and there sits another pudding.
They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods,
the process continues for the rest of the night
until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened.
They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said,
"Well, at least they left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news
they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA
was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
Whilst bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror,
which the shop owner states is "magical".
The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out,
and whilst looking into the mirror said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold it came true!
She ran down the stairs to show her husband,
who was utterly amazed.
He proceeded to run up to the bedroom, and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full,
she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and
tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full,
she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time
and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as got the bucket about full,
the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope,
so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment,
my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
just weeping and sobbing when suddenly
a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was crying.
She told the Fairy
that she was always forced to work on the pumpkin farm
and therefore never found any time to meet guys
and never got laid.
Upon hearing this,
the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand
and pointed it at the pumpkin
and turned it into the most
beautiful dildo a girl could ever dream of.
However, she warned her that she can only
use this dildo until midnight
and not to dare try it longer than that.
Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention
to the warning and started to have fun
with the dildo totally loosing track of time.
When the Fairy came back the next day,
she realized that Cinderella was still crying
except only harder and louder
and obviously in a great deal of pain!
She immediately went down to her
and asked her how yesterday went
and Cinderella said it went really well until Midnight.
"So what are you crying about?" the Fairy asked.
"Because you never told me
this thing would turn back into a PUMPKIN after midnight!"
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out
to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors,
they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having
with their memory.
After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were physically okay
but might want to start writing things down
and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV,
the man got up from his chair and his wife asked,
"Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top.
You had better write that down
because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that,
you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top.
I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said,
"I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen
and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down!
You forgot my toast!"
back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house,
they went right into her bedroom.
The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place.
Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe.
Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill,
and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked,
"So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said,
"You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree.
This sight scares her so she runs inside her house.
Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages
and looks it up--sure enough
right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors.
She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line
says he'll be right over.
When he shows up he explains to the lady
that it is a pretty common problem and
it should only take a few minutes.
First he must get his equipment.
So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun,
an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog.
The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?"
The gorilla extractor explains:
"First I climb up on the stepladder
and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass.
This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree
at which point that mean ass dog
will bite the gorilla in the balls.
This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla.
At which point I put the handcuffs
on the gorilla and take him away.
The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"
The man answers,
"In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"
After analyzing expenses and revenues,
they come to the conclusion that they will have to
lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.
They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.
Finally, one manager decides that they lay off
the first person who gets up form their desk.
In the meantime,
Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache.
She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer
and gets up from her desk to get some water.
One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you.
I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane: "Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."
before heading to town to do some business.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along
this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows.
I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know
which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife
could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives,
and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn
and directly to the stall with the nail.
"There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife,
"I guess its to hang up your pants."
whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank
during a recent blizzard in North Dakota.
It took him several hours
to make it to the nearest farm house,
but frozen half to death,
he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered,
and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the nite.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk."
said the hospitable old man.
"But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with,
like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh !" said the salesman.
Then thinking a moment or two said,
"Just how far is it to the next house ?
and suddenly the nurse exclaims,
"I can see his head!"
Sure enough, the baby peeks out,
but then he sees this nurse,
gets scared, and ducks back in.
After a few moments,
he pops his head out and looks around the room again.
This time, he sees the doctor,
gets scared, and ducks back in.
A few more minutes pass,
and the baby reluctantly peeks out again.
This time, he sees his father.
Suddenly, he reaches out and starts
poking the father on his forehead and says,
"How do you like that, asshole!??"
one looks to the other and says:
I saw you with your new wife last night and she sure is gorgeous,
I'll bet you love getting that pussy.
The other fisherman replies:
No I can't fuck her, she has gonnorhea.
Damn man! Well,I bet she gives one hell of a blow job.
No, she can't suck my dick cause she's got pyarrhea.
Damn, well there' always anal sex.
No I can't fuck her in the ass cause she's got diarrhea.
Well, what in the hell did you marry this girl for
if she has all these problems?
Because she also has worms and I love to fish!
for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied,
"All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again.
He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts.
She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed
your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies,
"I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.
I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry.
What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
and carrying a closed box.
He walks up to the bar places the box upon it.
He then opens the trench coat,
revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very erect.
He then opens the box and removes a large turtle,
at least a good ten pounds or so in weight.
He brings it near his pecker
and when it gets in reach it clamps on to his pecker.
He then releases the turtle from his hands,
and it hangs above the stools that line the bar.
He walks up the length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.
When he reaches the point from which he started,
he smacks the turtle on the head,
causing it to release his pecker from its grasp.
He puts it back in the box, closes his trench coat,
and turns to the rest of the patrons of the bar.
"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.
Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny,
dorky, feeble looking guy stands up and says,
"I'll do it...
as long as you promise not to hit me on the head when I'm done."
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now,
you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe,
and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims,
"My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture,
and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks,
"Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,
"oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers,
"So I can get it enlarged!"
just as President Clinton appeared on the television.
After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled,
"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later,
as the man was finishing his beer,
Hillary Clinton appeared on the television.
"She's a horse's ass too," said the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.
"This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard,
but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard,
I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again,
in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more,
and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies
"Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here,
my husband will be home soon!"
in his full-length mirror
when suddenly he realized
that the only part of his body
that wasn't
tanned was his penis.
He decided that he should do something about it
so later that day he went to the beach
and buried himself in the sand,
with only his penis exposed.
Two elderly ladies came shuffling along
the beach and noticed the protruding
penis.
One of the ladies poked it with her cane,
and said to the other, "You
know,
there's no justice in this world."
The other lady said, "What's that
supposed to mean?",
to which the first lady replied,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now I'm 80,
the damn things are growing wild...
And I'm too old to squat!"
This is due to the fact that
40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off
and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that,
it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 1999, the penis will be taxed
according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
Which one would be your tax bracket?
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...
FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies
"Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila,
the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...
you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm.
You gotta make things right for her." The guy says,
"Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it.
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila
and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few,
he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands,
and downs it with a big slurp
and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people
inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar,
his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
they would use code words so the children
wouldn't know what they were talking about.
they would ask "could I take in your laundry tonight ?"
so the kids couldn't understand.
Husband comes home from work one night and asked
"Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight?
No not tonight was her reply.
No big deal as he has come home many nights without getting any.
They following night he comes home from work and asks
"Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight?
again her reply was No, not tonight.
This goes on several more nights,
and the exasperated man always get the same answer,
No, not tonight.
So the following night the man comes home from work,
never says a thing to his wife,but goes straight to bed.
In the morning his wife is somewhat worried
(knowing how horney he is) and asks "Honey,
how come you didn't want to take in my washing last night?
Don't even think about it he replies,
I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
and opens his first office.
After some successful advertising he is astounded
to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy.
John decides to rent a big hall
and invite the entire group.
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started,
John decides to ask a show of hands
how often the attendees had sex.
He first asks for a show of hands of all the people
who had sex almost every night.
A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks,
how many had sex once a week?
This time a larger number of hands were raised.
John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month?
Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times
he noticed one guy sitting off to the side
with this huge beaming grin on his face.
John noticed that the guy never raised his hand,
so he asked him how often he had sex.
The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds,
"Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?"
The grinning guy responds,
"Tonight's the night!"
where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decided to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her.
On doing this she let out a sigh.
The man ran out and told the doctor
who said that was a good sign
and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast.
This produced a moan from his wife.
He rushed out and told the doctor.
The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough.
The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex,
saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act
and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in,
then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet.
He told the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asked what happened,
to which the man replied,
"She choked."
to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her,
"Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful.
What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle)
is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)
is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor,
I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!
How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison.....
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife,
clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer
and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
which was on the 20th floor of a building.
The first man said "
I bet you $100 I can jump out that window
and come straight back in!"
The second man says "Ok, sure."
and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out the window
and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.
Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says:
" I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again."
So the barman holds the bet.
Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window,
disappears for a second,
then jumps straight back in.
Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind,
the second man says "Ok,
I bet you $300 I can jump out the window
and come straight back in.
" The first man says" Ok, sure."
The second man jumps out the window
and falls to the footpath below.
He is dead.
Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man
Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed,
"Superman."
if he is a pure polar breed.
So he goes to his mom and says
"hey mom, am i a pure polar bear or what?"
And his mom answers " sure you are"
and the baby polar says "are you posotively sure?"
and his mom says " yeah,
but go ask your father just incase"
so the baby polar goes over to his dad
and says "hey dad am i a pure bred polar bear?"
and his dad says " yeah, your mom and i are polars,
your grandparents are polars, and so on, why do you ask?"
and the baby polar says
"If im a pure polar bear
than why the fuck am i always so damn cold?"
the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly
arranged
to have a friend call him to the phone
so he would have an excuse to leave
if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table,
he lowered his eyes,
put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news.
My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied.
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
and nervous about the wedding night.
Finally when it came time the wife
took off all of her clothes and went under the covers
while her husband took off his clothes one by one.
First he took off his socks
and his toes were messed up.
His wife says "what happened to your toes?"
He says "I had toelio".
She says "you mean Polio",
but he said, "no, toelio".
Then he takes off his pants
and the wife sees that his knees
are all banged up and weird.
The wife says "what happened to your knees?"
He says "I had Kneaseles".
And she says "you mean Measles"
and he says "no, Kneaseles".
Finally he took off his underwear and she says
"Let me guess...small cox?"
On their first day off the boat
they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights.
As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry.
They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone,
"My God - They eat dogs in America?"
"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans,
so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor hands them their food
in a pair of paper sacks.
The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch.
One looks inside his sack,
hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "
Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"
She comments on how the man is a wonderful dancer.
He says, not bad for a man with a wooden leg, eh?
She says, yeah right, you don't have a wooden leg.
Well watch. So he unscrewed his leg and proved it to her.
Later, dropping her off at home
he kisses her and she say's my you embrace me divinely.
He says not bad for a man with a wooden arm, huh?
They go inside and play cards with her parents.
She say's, my you play a wonderful game ofcards.
He say's not bad for a guy with a wooden head eh?
She say's you don't have a wooden head.
He say's come into the next room and I'll show you.
The parents waited quite a while but finally look
and sure enough he was screwing his head off.
when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !"
and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign
that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles,
she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag,
the three sisters resolved to spend
their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep,
so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way,
she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom
and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself,
"That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room
and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room
where she didn't hear a peep,
but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen,
after the husbands had gone out,
the woman asked her eldest daughter
about last night's noises.
"Well Mom," she replied,
"you always said if it hurt, I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her,
turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled,
remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby,"
she said turning to her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom", don't you remember?
You always told me to
"never talk with my mouth full."
was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar
for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys
on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around
with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights
and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied,
"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
by the D.A. what the defendant said
before the alleged assault.
Too embarrassed to answer aloud,
the victim asked
if she could write out the answer.
After reading the note,
the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it
and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off,
was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.
He took the note from her and read,
"I'm going to fuck you
like you've never been fucked before."
The juror smiled at the woman
and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12
please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered.
"It's personal."
surrounded by all her family,
and she suddenly realized she had forgotten get any shoes.
Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair
of white shoes from her wedding
so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small
and by the time the festivities were over
Sophie's feet were in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room
the only thing she could think of
was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door
to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected,
grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight!"
"There," whispered the Queen.
"I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say.
"Right. Now for the other one."
Followed by more grunting and straining
and at last Edward said,
"My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke.
"Once a sailor, always a sailor!"
sat on the barber's chair and said,
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face
while a woman with the biggest, firmest,
most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said,
"Young lady, you and I should go
and spend some time in a hotel room.
"She replied,
"I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said,
"Tell him your working overtime
and I'll pay you the difference.
"She said, "You tell him.
He is the one shaving you."
and during her tour of the floors
she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful,
what is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains;
"I am sorry your ladyship,
this man has a very serious condition
where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode,
and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room
where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
Doctor replied,
"Same problem, better health plan."
eventually got married.
On their honeymoon night (at a golf resort, of course)
they proceeded to consummate their marriage.
After the first episode (which made the earth move)
the man picked up the phone and started dialing.
His wife asked, "Who are you calling?"
He replied, "Room Service. I want some champagne."
She said, "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't do that.
He would make love to me again!"
So, they embarked on another episode.
The second time was even better.
He picked up the phone after their sex
and She said, "You aren't calling Room Service are you?
You know, Jack Nicklaus wouldn't do that,
he'd make love to me again."
The man sighed a bit
and proceeded to make love to his new wife again.
The third time took all of his energy.
He struggled to pick up the phone and dial the number.
His new wife asked, "Are you calling Room Service, Honey?"
He shouted back, "Hell no! I'm calling Jack Nicklaus
to see what the par on this damn hole is!"
He says if the fly falls four inches he will eat it.
Then a fish sees the frog and says
if the fly falls four inches
and the frog eats the fly i will eat the frog
a bear sees the fish and says
that if the fly falls four inches
the frog will eat it then the fish
will eat the frog then he will eat the fish.
A hunter sees the bear and says
that if all that happens he will shoot the bear.
A mouse sees this all and says
that if that all happens he will eat the hunters food.
Lastly a cat sees whats about to happen
and says that if that all happens he will eat the mouse.
Then the fly falls four inches the fish eats it
then the bear eats the fish who is shot by the hunter.
The mouse runs really fast and gets to the food.
As he is running back the cat jumps
but misses the mouse and falls into the lake.
What is the moral of this story?
If the fly falls four inches then the pussy gets wet
to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent life.
Once there, they met a male and a female Martian.
Through sign language,
they learned that the martians wanted to have sex with them.
So, in the name of science,
the women goes away with the male,
and the man goes away with the female.
The women takes of her clothes, and the martian takes of his.
But he has a very small penis. Noticing her bemused look,
the martian signs:
"Do you want me to make it bigger?"
She nods yes, so he twists his right ear
and his dick gets longer.
The start fucking,
and they are both starting to moan and groan.
After they are really getting into it, the Martian asks:
"Do you want me to make it fatter?"
She says yes and the Martian twists his left ear
and his dick gets fatter.
It was the best sex she had ever had.
Afterwards, she meets back with her fellow astronaut and says,
Well how was yours?
Mine was absolutley fantastic.
The male astronaut says: "Pretty good.
The chick had the biggest tits I have ever seen
and she was absolutley wild,
but she damn near twisted my fucking ears off.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it,
and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress,
"Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger!
I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back
where the cook is and to his demise,
he sees the cook take the meat patty
and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, You think that's disgusting
"you should see him make donuts."