There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo!

There once was a fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin' his gherkin
His mother said, "Perkin,
Stop jerkin' your gherkin -
Your gherkin's for ferkin' not jerkin'."

There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her twat with a terrier.

There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!

There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think --
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

There once was a mohel from Minsk
Who saved all his customers' skinsk
Tho they looked odd in a jar
He was kinder by far
Than his zeyde, who made from them, a blintzk.

There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed "oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you."

Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!

While Titian was mixing rose madder,
his model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
suggested fruition.
So he mounted the ladder and had her.

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

Hickory Dickory Dock
The tongue ran up the cock.
The man did smile.
It had been quite a while.
And his cock was as hard as a rock!

A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.

There was a man from Ka-bot
That lived on his boogers and snot
When he couldn't have these
He lived on the cheese,
That grew on his grungy old cock!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

I heard that she would never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said, "Oh baby please
Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

The was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!

A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.

There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it---almost!"

Meat-rationing did not terrify Miss Davey,
She got married to a sailor in the Navy,
For she knew between his legs
He had ham and he had eggs,
A big weenie, and oodles of white gravy.

There was a young Scotchman named Jock
Who had a most horrible shock:
He once took a shit
In a leaf-covered pit,
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.

There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Said he, "I'll admit
She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"

There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat

There was man from Rangoon
Who was born 5 months to soon
By his shitty luck
He wasn't made by a fuck
But scrapped off the sheets with a spoon

A Rabbi from Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said "Oy vey"
If you keep up this was
The Messiah will come before you

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number ... give him a call

There once was a man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia
The color was fine
And the likeness, sublime
But the aroma, now that was the falia

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Till a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

There was an old man from Calcutter
Who greased up his asshole with butter
And instead of the roar
We heard there before
Came a soft oleaginous mutter

There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.

A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To entice his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were seemly connected at belly,
Because in their haste
They use library paste
Which they thought was vaginal jelly.

There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Lama's are numero uno!"

There was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
With cum on his chin
He said with a grin
If my nose was a cunt I would fuck it

There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept dead whores in his cave,
You must admit,
He's quite a shit,
But look at the money he saved.

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were very unstable
one night under the moon
she pulled out a spoon
and drank herself under the table

There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing is one thing I *do* know.
A woman is fine,
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno."

There once was a man of Belfast
Whose balls out of iron were cast.
He managed somehow
To bugger a sow,
Thus you get pig-iron, at last.

There was a young girl of Samoa
Who determined that no man should know her.
One young fellow tried
But she wriggled aside
And spilled all the spermatozoa.

There was a young fellow named Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond