~ Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
~ She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
~ I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
~ Honk if you love peace and quiet.
~ Despite the cost of living...have you noticed how it remains so popular?
~ Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
~ Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
~ He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
~ If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
~ Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
~ I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
~ When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
~ I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
~ Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~ Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
~ I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~ Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
~ How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
~ Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
~ Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
~ OK, so what's the speed of dark?
~ Get headlines: Use corduroy pillows!
~ All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
~Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
~I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
~Room service? Send up a larger room.
~Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
~He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
~I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
~A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
~From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
~You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
~You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
~Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
~Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
~Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
~One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
~I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
~I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
~If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
~I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
~I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
