Chris Webber is Sad

Chris Webber is Sad

"OH NO. I choked AGAIN."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, depression can strike anyone at anytime. Even Chris Webber, a millionaire basketball player who has had moderate success thanks to being incredibly overrated, suffers from this horrible disease of the mind. Fortunately, he shows his depression on a national stage, so concerned citizens such as myself can conduct a scientific study based on his amazing sadness. This study is underway, but before we reveal our results, here are our examples.

This is probably the best picture of C-Webb sadness that I have ever seen. Undoubtedly the same hypocrite Arcoites who defend Webber when presented with this site were booing their little lungs out at him at the time.

Look, all you guys are full of shit. "OMG HE'S A MILLIONAIRE ATHLETE HOW CAN HE BE SAD?" some of you ask. Shut your stupid holes and LOOK AT HIM.

Done? Hopefully you've come to your senses and you're now willing to accept this site as the seminal work of pure genius that it is. No threat to win a Pulitzer, my ass.

We here at the Chris Webber Sadness Institute believe this moment might be the origin of Chris' woes. With the NCAA title on the line, Chris obviously traveled, got away with it, then went down the floor, awkwardly dribbled into a corner, and called a timeout. Too bad they were out of timeouts, a technical foul was called on Michigan, North Carolina won, and Chris was sad. Chris couldn't have known at the time that the win wouldn't have counted anyway as a result of him taking money while at school, so he was very sad about the incident.

Like we said, Chris was sad. Notice the frown. That's sad. Eric Montross, pictured in the background, is an entirely different kind of sad, but let's focus on Chris "C-Webb" Webber for now. Unfortunately, the small image size doesn't reveal the tears of crushing defeat rolling down his sad face.

Despite blowing the game for his team in college, Chris made it to the NBA based on his, uh, "talent". He played for some other teams, but now he's a Sacramento King, as evidenced by the queer purple jerseys. Again, notice the sadness in the face, the scruffy beard (inattention to hygiene is a common depression symptom), and the "why is this happening to me" eyes.

Here, Chris desperately tries to mask his depression, but he's not fooling anyone. We can still see the pain. LET THE PAIN OUT, CHRIS.

Once in the NBA, Chris got the opportunity to play against players with similar talent levels, like Shaquille O'Neal. Here, Chris is sad because Shaq's lack of talent is winning out over Chris' lack of talent because Shaq is bigger. Shaq offers a consolation hug - what a nice guy! But Chris is clearly still upset.

The Kings became a good regular season team, but success in the playoffs eluded them. Not really surprising, because Chris was on their team. Poor Sacramento fans. Wait, they're a bunch of idiots with cowbells who somehow have respect for Doug Christie. But that's another page. The Kings have suffered another crushing playoff defeat here, and Chris Webber fights back tears on the sidelines since Rick "Coach of the Century" Adelman yelled at him because he bricked 12 shots.

Chris here shares his sadness with similarly sad teammates Mike "Phallus" Bibby and Vlade "Malodorous" Divac. Chris is clearly the saddest of the three, but obviously his losing attitude and general depression have spread to his unsuspecting teammates. Guys, losing hurts, but it's not everything! It's about going out there and giving it your best! Hang in there!

Here's Chris on the bench again, trying to mask his sadness under a towel. One more time the clock runs out on another Kings playoff loss, this time to the Dallas Mavericks, who seem to always get the best of Chris Webber. Little known fact: the towel around Chris' head is his lucky "tear towel" that he uses to mop up his salty discharge every game. Who says successful athletes aren't superstitious? The second towel is about to be "thrown in" as Chris realizes he has failed again and the dominating Mavericks are too much for him and his sadness to handle.

One thing Chris has managed to be successful at in his NBA career is getting hurt. Most recently, he got hurt in Game 2 in their series against the Dallas Mavericks. The Mavericks scored 83 points in the first half (yes, that's a lot), but Chris' pride wasn't the only victim of the rout. He hurt his knee for the 38th time of his career. Chris gets injured a lot because it's a release from his prison of depression, not necessarily because he's a pussy (although ruling out that factor would be unwise).

Did I mention Chris Webber gets injured a lot? Interesting side note: both players propping up Chris Webber in this photo left the team so they wouldn't have to deal with Chris' sadness.

Ouch! My knee hurts! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I mentioned earlier that Chris Webber took money at college, which isn't really a good thing. Did I also mention that he lied to a grand jury about it? Wow, Chris is a smart one! Maybe he's always depressed because he's so stupid.

The Smoking Gun has some great info about what a lying, cheating piece of crap Chris is. He'll get extra sad if you go read all about it.

Here's Chris outside the courthouse where he was indicted by a grand jury for perjury. Note how the usual sadness has been replaced by total confusion. An interesting anomaly in our study on depression. He still looks goofy, though!

Here, a reporter makes Chris sad by asking him what possessed him to lie to a grand jury. BEING A MARGINAL BASKETBALL PLAYER WHO GETS HURT A LOT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ABOVE THE LAW, CHRIS. SHAME.

Chris Webber's unique mix of melancholy and basketball has spawned quite a few novelty toys in his honor. Unfortunately, the Chris Webber Lego-man was a failure, as children across America cried as soon as they were shown the toy. Experts weren't sure if they were upset over being given a toy of such an overrated annoying player or whether the spirit of Chris' sadness was actually spread through the toys. A complete recall was issued regardless of the cause.

This duck that looks like Chris Webber has as many college wins as the real C-Webb.

The Japanese are a unique culture that do not disappoint us with their take on Chris. For those of you who don't "hablo Japanese", Chris is saying "I am crushed under the weight of my unmitigated sadness and wish to fall onto my sword to achieve the honor of a true warrior." He is shown as happy because the Japanese people have a sick sense of humor.

Chris Webber on the bench again. Why the hell is he wearing a glove? Lifting some weights, Chris? Fortunately, there's no "clutch" in working out, so Chris enjoys it as one of his hobbies.

You might be saying, "Maybe Chris is only sad on the court, just because he's an overrated, always injured, never winning basketball superstar! Maybe he's happy in his personal life!" Well, you're wrong, as this picture shows. Maybe Chris is sad because he realizes that fur is murder, or maybe it's still because he's a huge failure. What an animal!

What will our study eventually recommend? A lobotomy, pictured left, has certainly been discussed as a potential remedy for what ails Chris. Or maybe a brain transplant, also pictured left, could be the answer. With that solution, Chris might give up his losing, lying, crying ways and his depressed brain can be sold to science to search for a cure to depression. That concludes our case study. Final words: GOD BLESS YOU CHRIS, KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT! THE WORLD IS WITH YOU, AND WE ALL FEEL YOUR PAIN.

View My Guestbook
Sign My Guestbook

e-mail the brilliant creator of this masterpiece