website made by Chris McEntee
[Clear throat.]* You’ll have to bear with me: I wrote this on a cocktail napkin at four o’clock this morning while discussing Wittgensteinian dialectic formulations and eating mustard packets with Winston Churchill’s disembodied head - and then I had to blow my nose.
Bourgeois and proletariat comrades alike . . . I, Matthew Holm, am running for the office of Treasurer, or what I have affectionately renamed "Commissar of the People’s Bureau for Wealth Redistribution," since I am always the banker in Monopoly™. Now, as we all know, Victorian libidinal suppression directly
precipitated the First World War, and subsequently, I propose a stringent Malthusian campaign of population quotas. There is a direct correlation between the
demise of Communism and the rise of the contention that all geniuses are sexual deviants; Coincidence? Hardly.
I propose numerous new methods of appropriating income. There’s this guy I know, Pablo Carlos y Ortega ... something or other, in the city, and he knows this other guy who can get us some [Feel free to interpolate a defiant "I will not be seated! (Or
silenced)!" at will.] optimum connections to the Colombian cocaine cartel. If we could only get some volunteers, we could begin harvesting human organs for sale on the Chinese black market. I hear there is quite an exorbitant price on Yeltsin’s head
in the bounty hunting division of the Russian Mafia ... we could round up look-alikes for extradition. There is money to be had in the multitude of Nazi gold in Swiss bank accounts. If you’ll kindly turn your attention to this detailed map [point
with laser pen]. We could enter here, turn left here, ask for directions here ... and they don’t even have an army! [Wait patiently for applause]. Also, it is an
historically verified fact that the production of phony wars is an exceptional method of subsidizing appropriations. I plan to employ financial "strategery" to siphon funds into a "lock box" [At this point, do quotation thingy and lean in extremely close to microphone.]
At this point I should be going into a delightful musical montage in which I try on numerous ensembles to the tune of Petula Clark’s "Downtown™." But [Fumble in pockets with look of despair and panic.] I seem to have misplaced pages two through nine!
In conclusion, I have decided that Denzel Washington shall movingly portray my tragicomic rise to eminence and Rocky the Squirrel play my fanatical, deranged assassin when my complex and fascinating story is released in its theatrical form. Secondly, it is not my fault that Canadian subversives are seeking to corrupt the purity of our essences and infiltrate our bodies to abscond with our precious bodily fluids by monopolizing the beer industry ... [Pause for sufficient suspenseful effect] ... Its yours! [Let shock of this revelation subside and have a look of abject contempt on face entire time.] So, to appease your overwhelming guilt, vote for someone who doesn’t even consider Canada to be a country! [Slowly leave podium and remember that pants are unzipped.]
* Those words that are presented within brackets
( [ ] ) are to be read aloud and in a various disembodied voices.
Great Sites!
Young Communist League
Public Speaking Tips
Denzel Washington
Winston Churchill
Existentialism and Friedrich Nietzsche
Calvin & Hobbes