We're in Gemini
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
27May07 Sunday 9:26pm

And we're in Gemini now. Since last Sunday, I think. Too lazy to look it up. So far May Gemini for me has been all about my thoughts. I've had a couple epiphanies about my life and my behaviour and my ways of coping and/or not coping. I've come face to face with my normal modus operandi which is running away. I've had one of those, "oh! this is what you have to deal with when you stay instead of running away!"
Interesting.

So yes I'm confronted with staying put. Because I actually want to stay put and I'm not used to the commitment involved with staying put. Quite frankly, I've always been the 'if I don't like it, I'll just leave', person. And I'm not willing to leave. Well, not for a couple years anyway. ha ha!

I figure it had to happen sooner or later and I've reached that point in my life where I need to declare that I'm staying and face the repercussions of what happens in relationships when you stay rather than dive bombing in and swooping back out. sigh! It did have to happen sooner or later right?

There are certain things that work with staying, like building a strong foundation and not always being in survival mode. I've got to set up clear boundaries and discover new ways to relate that keep me feeling safe and contend with my need to flee. It's a big one that I'm working through. But the rewards, the peace of mind far out weigh the running. And gosh darnit (can you believe I didn't swear?) I can't sleep and run at the same time.

I've been looking at what drives me. I met a friend's boyfriend that I've heard not so nice things about. My first impression was, that guy is so mediocre for the crap he puts my friend through. Why does she stay? Maybe it's because she was single for a long time and she thinks that she has issues about making things work? Maybe she wants to be a couple? Maybe she is desperate as a couple friends have suggested.

I have to look at what keeps me going past the signals. With my last significant, I was ready to dump his ass as soon as he started acting like a simpleton. But then I worried that maybe I didn't give things a chance. Maybe I entered relationships with one foot already out the door. So I stayed a month longer than I should have. When I finally did dump his ass I berated myself for staying as long as I did. Which in cat years was a long time, in human, not so much. ha ha!

And with my most recent object of interest, I think I've been so focused on having a 'nice' guy that I may have missed out on a bunch of signals. One, although we are friendly, we're not really friends. And two, I'm not that sure if we're even compatible. There's a level of his energy that exhausts the hell out of me. And now that I'm looking clearly at the months of interest and the months of getting to know you and all that, he's feeling like he's not even in the vicinity of anything more than a friendly acquaintance. It's hard to let go of the fantasy of spending time with a really nice guy. Better yet, it's hard to let go of the potential.

So I discover this contradiction that despite entering or contemplating a relationship with one foot out the door, I also have this firmly planted willingness to stay and make things work.

All of my giving to a person is the first time around. My focus, my willingness to share. If we revisit what we've started, months later or years later, I'm never able to give in quite the same way. There's something that breaks - a bond, a focus. That's why I can't go back to ex boyfriends. It's in the time away from an interest too. The spell has been broken. That's what it is, the spell. Once it's shut off it can't be flicked back on.

I realize that when I've gone back with an ex boyfriend that it was an operation in futility. I turn into the guy in the relationship. I'm not considerate anymore. I just don't care. It seems like a good idea at the time, to get back together except I realize that I can't give anything because I don't want to. If it doesn't work out the first time then it didn't work out. Nothing is going to change.

Anyway, I could go on and on about it because I'm really discovering some built in boundaries that I never verbalized before. Gemini could turn out to be a lot of fun.

EY