I was a child of strong Christian parents. So growing up I always had a religious influence on my life. As I got older and entered high school I became a typical rebel teen who refused to listen to her parents. I wanted to do everything they told me not to do. I would sneak out almost every night to see this guy. When I first met him he pretended to be a strong Christian so I would date him, and have my mom's approval. He continued to put up this front in front of my family so I would not get in trouble. He was really a devil worshipper though. Talk about a surprise when I found out. At the time though I thought it was so wonderful. All right - another thing to rebel against. I was sneaking out at night to go with him to parties which were really satanic rituals. I was not sure what I was getting myself into at the time. Mark and I dated for about five years before we broke up. We had even been secretly engaged! What a mistake.
The reason we broke up I thought at the time was it simply wasn't going to work out with us both being in college. I was attending Lincoln Christian College, while he was going to a junior college near our homes. While I was attending LCC I decided that it was really for the best that we had broken up anyway. I realized how much hurt I had to deal with. I was scared to accept it though so I would do things to get attention. I developed a problem with habitual lying. Which was only the first of many that redeveloped.
I guess maybe I should explain more about my life in high school after Mark and I started dating. He got me into the party scene. I was sneaking out to go get drunk at least twice a week. I had become a social alcoholic. In other words I could not stop drinking if I had a drink, but yet I didn't have to have it all the time. I also started doing drugs because of him. That was a really rough time. I decided I didn't really like those that much though, but continued to smoke cigarettes. I would go through two packs a day. Of course I thought that my parents had no idea that all of this was going on. I would pretend to be little miss goodie two shoes when I was around them. I always had a plan to attempt to get me out of trouble or avoid getting caught.
When Mark started coming over more we began to get in deeper in our relationship. He was basically living at my house, and my parents didn't know. He would sneak in and out of my window. Before too long our relationship began to get very serious. That was when we got secretly engaged. I wouldn't wear my ring around anyone for fear that my parents would find out. Because of the devil worshipping that he was into, I developed a love for evil. Instead of letting my anger out when I would get upset, I would just let it build up. Mark and I broke up the first time in November of '95. On my birthday of all days! I hated him.
One night in December of '95 I got to the point where I had so much anger that I needed to release. I did it in the craziest way I could imagine. I tried to set my house on fire. I did not succeed. Unfortunately there was an electrical shortage anyway so it did burn down. At the time I could not have cared less.
Early in '96 we started dating again. This time I wound up in even more trouble. I ended up sleeping with him. I thought I was pregnant. How I wish I would have waited. For my graduation from high school in May of '96, he gave me a present. He broke up with me. I was so upset. I always had low self esteem anyway. Now it was even lower.
I left for LCC in August. For the first semester there were weekends I would get so uptight that I would have to come home, usually not telling my family. I would stay with some of my friends from the party scene. So as you can imagine I ended up partying again. Christmas break had to be the worst time. I knew I had to go back to LCC and cry out for help. I realized how many problems I really did have. I spent most of the spring semester telling more lies to get attention from people. I thought I would get help that way. Was I ever wrong. Well I got help, just not in the way I wanted it. I was trying to control my life. I didn't want to let God control it.
I came home for the summer to take classes at the Junior college here. I spent many nights off at the church camp here visiting friends of mine, trying to get close to God again. I needed Him, but yet I wasn't sure if I wanted Him. In August I was at camp as a camper. I realized how big I had let my problems get. I rededicated my life to God that week.
After camp I decided that I made that decision out of an emotional high, not sincerity. So I left for LCC for another year. I wanted attention more than ever. I had felt let down and left out by my friends. I wanted to feel love so I returned to my lying. At least when people thought I was struggling I had some attention, it was just negative attention. Finally I realized how much attention and help I needed. I considered committing suicide. I had the bottle of pills in my hand. I even took many of them. Luckily I just ended up sick. Then later on I framed one of my friend's roommates so that it looked like she stole my car keys. We ended up discussing it all night since I would not admit to it. I wanted the attention. I had it.
I let the story go on for a few weeks until we had campus revival. That was when I started turning myself onto God again. I finally confessed to it. I felt better for admitting to it, but yet I was still so scared because I knew I would be in so much trouble. There ended up being a Disciplinary Committee meeting on me. They decided that it would be better for me to spend some time away from LCC. That way I could get the help I needed without having to worry about homework and stress from my life as well. I came home.
I took classes in the spring to have something to do. I missed LCC so bad, but yet I was so scared to go to counseling. So I didn't go in the spring. During the spring and summer times I became suicidal again. God gave a friend that completely understood me. She helped me through those rough times. (Thanks Hez!) I let most of the summer go by as well before I finally realized that I was not getting anywhere in my life. I needed the help. I still didn't really want it though. I started going to Christian Counseling anyway. I went to a week of church camp.
This week the Bible book focus was on the book of James. I feel like God gave me that week of camp to get my attention. He got it all right. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I began to let Him control my life again. I realized that week that He was telling me to stick with the counseling. He would help me through. I am became even more determined than ever to go so I went. I had so much trouble opening up at first, actually for a while. But I eventually did start to. I am slowly realizing what I have to do. I need God to help me to change. And I am doing it. Thank Goodness for God's second chances. His forgiveness and grace are so wonderful.
Actually I have even been thinking here lately that God had me to face all of the challenges in my life for a reason. I believe that He is wanting me to go into Christian Counseling. Other people had told me that before, but I just ran from the idea. Now I am running towards it.
TO ANYONE READING THIS WHO I HAVE HURT, I AM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! Never give up on me. I have learned not to give up. I am no longer suicidal. God brought me through that time. I am growing so much closer to Him. Here lately I have been able to be still and listen to him as he speaks to me in my writing. You can look at the poems page for what I mean.
I AM GOD'S CHILD!
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