Mary’s Song

A Poem by Buck Cross

I can see her in twilight’s shimmer,

And late at night when the stars glimmer.

I hear her when the lonely wolf howls,

She’s nearby in the hoot of an owl.

Don’t cry for her,

Because, you see,

She’s a part of you, a part of me.

Her hair – black as the midnight skies,

Smoky gray – the color of her eyes.

Too quickly, the end came,

For my lover…my friend.

Never will I know again,

The joy she gave my soul,

Till the end.

I look up to the heavens,

And see her smiling face,

Holding my son,

In her loving embrace.

Remember me, Mary,

I will never forget you.

When the Great Spirit calls me,

To be with you again,

We’ll be a family,

Mary, Buck, and little Ben.

Mary’s Song

By Renee Novak

The summer air was still, almost too still. Not a breeze blew, not an animal made a sound. It was as if the world was holding its breath. The sun blazed high in the turquoise sky, warming the dusty land below.

Nicky watched, from the porch as Buck walked away from her. It was Sunday, and the boys would be over for supper. She knew where Buck was off to, and she didn’t interfere.

They’d been married for a little less than a year, and come early fall, they’d be blessed with a child. Buck still rode for the Pony Express, but the couple had moved into a home that the boys had built only a few miles from the waystation.

Nicky watched, as Buck became a speck on the horizon, then returned inside to prepare supper.

Chapter 2

Buck walked silently down the dusty road, just him and his memories. Every Sunday he came here, picking a few wild flowers on the way.

‘ Mary Elizabeth Cross’ the larger tombstone read. A smaller one next to it read: ‘Benjamin Louis Cross’. He thought love was supposed to be forever. Now he just survived, day by day. He loved Nicky, but he always kept part of himself from her, waiting for her to leave him too.

"Afternoon, Mary," he said placing a daisy at the grave. "I hope all is well with you. I really miss you," he paused. "There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you."

Gently he traced her name with his fingertips, sadness gripping his heart.

His eyes fell upon his only son’s tombstone. "You best mind you ma, Ben," he scolded softly. "She’ll tell me, ya know."

Buck stood, after placing the rest of the flowers by his son. As he turned to leave, a chill ran through his body.

He turned back to the grave. "Don’t worry, I’ll be back next week."

With that, he smiled, and walked towards his new wife.

Chapter 3

Nicky checked on the turkey that she’d prepared, in hopes that everyone would be hungry.

"You’ve outdone yourself this time, sweetie,’ Buck said coming up behind her, putting his arms around her swollen middle. "Everything smells wonderful."

Nicky turned to face him. "Thank you," she said looking into his eyes. "I love you."

Buck smiled. "I love you too," he replied kissing her.

"I’d better get the rest of supper on the table," Nicky said. "They’ll be here soon any minute."

Reluctantly, Buck let go. Sometimes he wondered what he did so right to be blessed with Nicky.

"Hey, Buck," Cody greeted his friend as he approached the porch.

The two friends embraced.

"How’s Nicky?"

Buck smiled. "Big!" he laughed.

"Don’t let her hear you say that," Lou teased. "She’d still be able to kick you butt!"

"You think I don’t know that?"

Buck looked forward to the Sunday’s he got to spend with his friends. Through all of their trials and tribulations, they’d stuck together and supported each other. When he’d first joined the Pony Express, he never thought they’d become the family they had. He loved each of them, and would be lost without them.

"C’mon guys," Nicky ordered. "Supper’s ready."

Everyone gathered around the table. It seemed like old times for all involved. It was on those Sunday’s, when they were gathered together that nothing else mattered. Lou was able to be Louise, dressed in all the finery that she deserved, and made her feel beautiful. The outside world, their petty bickering, personal problems were all left on the other side of the door.

"This is great, Nicky," Cody complimented, as he always did.

Nicky smiled. "Thanks."

A concerned look played across Buck’s face. "You didn’t eat much."

Nicky shrugged. "I’m not really hungry," she confessed. "Actually, I’m a little tired."

Buck felt his heart stop, then start again. "Is everything all right?"

"Don’t start, Buck," Nicky scolded. "I’m just tired, that’s all."

Jimmy spoke up. "Why don’cha go rest. We’ll take care of everything."

Nicky was shocked. "James Hickock, you’re gonna do dishes?"

"Yeah," he persisted. "Now go an’ rest."

"Lou," Nicky said. "You wanna go on the porch?"

"Sure," Lou replied. "I’ll bring us somethin’ to drink."

Nicky went outside, and sat in one of the two rocking chairs. A cool breeze picked up, blowing strands of her red hair free from the ponytail she’d been wearing. The child inside her moved, making her smile.

"Play now so mommy can sleep tonight, okay?" she whispered, resting her hand on her stomach.

Lou joined her. The two women sat wordless on the porch enjoying the peace and quiet.

"Nicky," Lou finally said. "Are you really okay?"

"Yes, Lou," she replied. "I’m fine. It’s Buck I’m worried about."

She looked surprised. "What? Why?"

"He’s been moody lately. Kinda sad all the time."

Lou shrugged. "Probably got a lot on his mind, what with the baby one the way an’ all…"

"You’re right," Nicky agreed. Part of her screamed that that wasn’t the answer. Her heart hoped it was.

Chapter 4

Lightning flashed and thunder loudly rolled its reply. The much-needed rain drenched the land.

Nicky awoke to find Buck missing.

"Buck," she called, walking into the living room. "Sweetheart?"

Lightning flashed again, allowing Nicky to see outside. There was someone out there. She hoped it was Buck.

"Sweetie," she said opening the front door. It was Buck. He was standing in the middle of the road, facing the cemetery. "Come inside, honey."

Buck didn’t move. He was soaked to the bone. Finally, Nicky went to him. The rain was cold, but refreshing.

"Come inside," she softly repeated standing in front of him.

"Did you see her?" he asked. "Did you?"

Nicky looked into his eyes. They were full of despair and loneliness. It broke her heart.

"Who, Buck?"

"Mary," he said. "She was here."

Nicky was becoming frightened. "Buck, sweetie, it was a dream."

He finally looked at her. "What am I doin’ out here?" he asked, clearly confused.

"You had a dream…"

"C’mon," he said, not letting her finish. "Let’s get you inside."

She let him help her back to bed. Was it just a dream? Could he really have seen Mary’s ghost? He certainly was acting as if he did.

"You sure you’re all right?"

Buck hugged her. "Yes, I’m fine."

Nicky pulled away. "Buck, you’re burnin’ up!"

"I’m fine," he persisted, while Nicky pulled out dry clothes for him.

"Put those on," she ordered, pointing to the clothes. "I’ll be right back."

She left him and retrieved a pitcher and cloth from the kitchen. By the time she got back, Buck was dozing under the covers.

"Get some sleep," she said, putting the cloth on his forehead.

As he drifted off, Nicky felt a sickening feeling run through her.

"Gramma, Belle," she whispered. "Watch over him."

Chapter 5

The sun was warm on Buck’s face, and the cool air smelled fresh and clean.

"Buck," a soft voice called. "Can you hear me?"

He opened his eyes, and found familiar gray ones looking back.

"Mary?" he whispered. "Is that you?"

Mary smiled. "We’ve been waiting for you," she said taking his hand. "C’mon."

Buck stood and looked around. He saw Nicky sitting in a chair next to the bed, her eyes red from crying.

"Nicky," he said, stopping in front of her.

Mary stopped. "She’ll be fine, Buck," she assured him, her voice soft. "Don’t worry."
Reluctantly, Buck went with Mary. His friends sat in the living room and kitchen, all with concerned looks on their faces. Jimmy paced, Cody stared out the door, and Kid and Lou sat at the table, across from each other, holding hands.

"What’s goin’ on?" he questioned, as they walked out the door.

"Buck, trust me."

Without another word, he followed her. Everything was normal, but seemed to shimmer somehow. The breeze was cooler, the air sweeter.

"Hey, Buck," Ike greeted, not sure how his friend would react.

"Ike," he said, his brown eyes wide with wonder. "My God…" Without another word, Buck embraced his friend. "How is this…what’s goin’ on?"

"Don’t ask!" Ike teased. "It’s not your time, but we had to spend time with you. You need to make

amends, Buck…tie up loose ends."

"I don’t understand…"

"You’re on a Spirit Plain, Buck," Mary explained. "Your soul had left your body, to be with us. When the time is right, you’ll go back."

Ike smiled. "I’ll leave you two to catch up," he said. "I’ll see ya around."

Buck watched his friend walk into the bunkhouse. He understood what was happening, but he couldn’t figure out what loose ends he had to tie up.

Chapter 6

Nicky slept in the rocker by the window, while Jimmy kept watch over Buck. He retrieved a blanket from the closet and placed it over Nicky.

"Buck?" she asked, startled by Jimmy’s touch.

He cursed himself. "No, it’s me."

Nicky put her head back, running a hand through her hair. "Jimmy, is he any better?"

Regretfully he shook his head. "I’m sorry, Nicky. He’s ‘bout the same."

Tears welled in her eyes. "He’s gotta get better, Jimmy, he’s got to," she stood and walked to the bed.

Jimmy helped her sit in the chair, then quietly left them alone.

"Buck," she sobbed, taking his hand. "Come back to me…please."

She watched his chest just to be sure he was still breathing. He looked so peaceful. I’m tryin’ to be strong," she whispered. "But it’s not working."

"You’ve got to be strong," a soft voice said from the other side of the bed.

Nicky looked up to see her Grandmother Belle shimmering, smiling at her.

"You’re a Fitzpatrick, Nicole," she said. "If you are strong for Buck, he will fight. If you give up on you, you give up on him."

Nicky dried her tears, and sat up straight.

Belle smiled again. "That’s my girl."

Before Nicky could say anything, Belle was gone, leaving Nicky with a renewed sense of confidence.

"Well now, mister Cross," she whispered, putting the wet cloth on his forehead. "You just relax and come back to me when you’re can. You’ve got a baby to raise."

Chapter 7

Buck and Mary sat on the bank of the brook and talked.

"Nicky’s a good woman, Buck," she assured him. "She’s good for you."

"I know, but, I’m afraid to love her," he confessed. "I’m afraid to…"

Mary was shocked. "Buck Cross, afraid?" she teased. "You must be joking."

Buck cast his downward. "More than you can imagine," he said quietly.

She took his hands into hers. "Everything will work out fine. You just have to believe…"

"I believed once, and where’d that get me?" he asked bitterly.

She knew what he was talking about.

"Buck, what happened to me, to us, was different…"

He shook his head. "How could it be any different? I loved you, Mary, with my entire soul, and you died…"

"It’s not like I asked for it, Buck," she said. "I didn’t ask to be in the bank that day. I didn’t ask for them to shoot me or Ben," she paused. "I didn’t ask to be taken away from the one man who’d ever treated me like a lady and not a two-bit whore."

"You don’t think I know that?" Buck asked. "Mary, I should’ve been in there that day, remember…"

"Is that any better?" She countered. "A mother and her son, alone. How would I have raised him? How would we live, on what money? Where’d we live?"

"So, I’m supposed to be happy? Thankful it was you and not me?" Tears sprang from his eyes. "I’m sorry, but I’m not, and I won’t be, ever…"

"You have to let it go, Buck."

"Let it go?" he repeated, standing up. "How do I forget the one person that had ever mattered in

my world? How do I forget the sound of my son crying in the night? How can I forget the dreams I had for our future? Let me know, Mary, so I can end the damned sadness that I live with day in and day out," he said, tears falling freely. "Tell me."

Mary didn’t say anything. His sorrow and guilt had to be dealt with before he could leave here, and begin again. She watched as he walked away.

"This is gonna be harder than I thought," Belle said appearing next to her. Not to worry, Mary. He’ll come around…eventually.

Chapter 8

Nicky stirred the soup she’d been preparing. Today wasn’t a good day. Her back hurt, her head hurt, every muscle seemed to ache, and to top it off, the baby inside her wouldn’t stop moving.

"Hey, Nicky," Jimmy said, hanging his guns at the door. "Somethin’ smells great."

"I made soup," she answered flatly.

"Oh," he replied, not knowing how to react.

"What?" she turned on him. "Soup’s not good enough for you?"

"No, it’s fine," he chose his words carefully. "Everything all right?"

Lou winced at the question.

"All right?" Nicky raged. "My husband’s in the bedroom, burning up, while I’m out here, cookin’, an’ cleanin’, makin’ damn sure that you all are comfy…" a sharp pain caused her to suddenly grab her swollen middle.

Jimmy ran to her side. "What’s wrong?"

"Nothin’," she lied through gritted teeth. "I’m fine…"

Lou tried to help. "Nicky, why don’t you sit down…"

"I’m fine, Lou," she answered as the pain subsided. "Really."

Jimmy watched as she straightened up. "You sure?"

"I’m fine, Jimmy, really." She said. "Sorry about screamin’ at you. I’m not havin’ a good day."

He smiled. "Why don’cha get some rest? We can handle things around here."

"You sure?"

"Yep," he answered for all of them.

"Wake me if Buck changes any."

Slowly, Nicky walked to the spare bedroom. She was in pain, and a lot of it, but she wouldn’t let the others know. They was already one person they had to worry about, and she wouldn’t be a second.

Chapter 9

Buck wandered through the town he loved. He knew Nicky would be worried, but he didn’t know how to leave. Part of him didn’t want to. That was the part he had to overcome. Somehow, he knew that now. However, he wasn’t sure how.

"You look deep in thought," Belle said appearing next to him.

Buck smiled at her. "Sorry."

"I want to show you something," she said, taking his hand.

He went along, hoping to bring an end to this. They stopped at a corral, where a boy of ten rode bareback. His black hair reached just past his shoulders, his skin bronze and flawless. It was Ben, but he died before he reached two.

"When children come here," Belle explained. "They become an age which they can understand what’s happened to them."

"Does he know me?" he asked, his heart filled with pride.

Belle smiled. "He’s watched you ride everyday."

Buck watched his son. "He’s better than me," he thought aloud.

Ben dismounted, and opened a gate that led to open rolling pasture. He spotted Buck, and ran to him. Buck swept the boy up into his arms and didn’t let go.

"Dad!" Ben said, wrapping his small arms around his neck. "Dad, mom said you were comin’ today!"

Buck didn’t want to know how they knew to expect him. That was all up to the Great Spirit, right now, that Spirit wanted him to see his son, and he was grateful.

"I’ve been mindin’ ma, too," he told him.

"I never thought you wouldn’t," Buck assured him, putting him down, only to grab hold of his hand.

Ben looked sad. "Mom says you can’t stay."

"Sorry," he said. "It’s not my time, so I was told."

"Yeah," Ben agreed. "That’s what Uncle Ike said."

Buck smiled at the notion of Ike explaining life to his son. He couldn’t think of a better person.

"Y’know," Ben said, as they walked towards the house. "You an’ Nicky look real happy."

"We are."

"Were you happy with mom?"

Buck looked down at his son. "Yes. Very much so."

"Then, dad," he began, stopping. Buck squatted to be eye to eye with the boy. "Be happy for us now."

"What do you mean?"

"Mom and I, we’re happy for you an’ Nicky. You deserve happiness, Dad," Ben explained, wise beyond his years. "Let yourself be happy. Mom an’ I’ll be here when it’s your time."

"Your mom," Buck hesitated. Did he really want to know the answer to his question? "Does she blame me?"

Ben smiled. "No," he replied. "Neither of us do."

Buck held him close. He wanted to stay that way forever.

Chapter 10

Nicky’s water broke, sending everyone into a panic. Lou was the chosen mid-wife, only because she was the only other woman there, and because none of the boys had the courage, or stomach to look ‘down there’.

"Honestly," Lou chastised. "They treat gunshot wounds and knife slashed, but the birth of a baby sends ‘em runnin’!"

"I’d laugh, if this didn’t hurt like hell!" Nicky said between contractions.

Two hours later, Lou saw the head. "Okay, Nicky, push," she ordered.

An exhausted Nicky gave birth to a baby girl ten minutes later.

"Jimmy, bring me the pillow case, I’ve gotta clean her off."

Jimmy did as she was told. "She’s beautiful, Nicky."

Sleepily, Nicky replied, "Thank you." Silently she wished Buck were next to her. She wasn’t going to cry though.

Lou handed her the baby. She truly was beautiful. Her eyes were the color of midnight blue, and on her head, a tuft of black hair. A small button nose and chubby cherub cheeks made her look heavenly. She was perfect in every way.

"What’s her name?" Cody asked.

Nicky looked at the small bundle in her arms. "Elizabeth Louise Cross, otherwise known as Little Raven," she proudly announced.

Kid smiled. "How’d you come up with that?"

"Easy," Nicky said. "Elizabeth to remember Mary, Louise because any woman that’d willingly put up with you all for so long is a strong person. Besides, without Lou, I’d have left a long time ago," she teased. "Buck used to call Mary, Raven, so Little Raven seemed right."

They all agreed.

"Now, let’s let mom and baby get some sleep," Jimmy said ushering the others out of the room.

"Well, Elizabeth," Nicky said. "Welcome to your new world. Your daddy’ll be here soon enough."

Nicky closed her eyes as Elizabeth nuzzled at her breast. When the two finally fell asleep, she dreamed of Buck, almost feeling his arms around her.

Chapter 11

Mary, Buck, and Ben sat by the brook. Something pulled at Buck to return home, but he wanted to stay, just a little longer.

"We can see you when you visit the grave, dad," Ben confessed. "Did you know that?"

Buck shook his head.

"Oh, yeah. Every Sunday, me an’ Uncle Ike go to the cemetery when you’re there. You just can’t tell."

This caused Buck to smile. "I’ll know when I go there next time."

"Ben," Mary said. "Daddy’s gotta go now."

Ben’s eyes looked at the ground. "Yeah, I know."

"Hey, now," Buck said, picking up his son. "I’ll be back."

"To stay?"

"Maybe," he replied. "What’s important is that I’ll be back."

Buck turned to Mary. "You know I’ll always love you."

"Yes," she said. "But you have Nicky and she deserves all of your love not part of it."

Buck nodded. "I know that now."

"Then go to her," she replied, hugging him.

Chapter 12

Nicky dozed in the chair by the window, watching the rain while Elizabeth nuzzled her breast. Jimmy sat next to the bed, keeping watch over his two friends. He wondered how all of their lives would change now that there was a child involved.

"Jimmy?" Buck’s voice came out hoarse and not much above a whisper.

Jimmy looked down and caught himself before he shouted. "Buck, you’re awake."

Buck thought for a moment. How could he logically explain to his friend what had happened.

"What happened?" Buck asked.

Jimmy shrugged. "Nicky said you were out in the rain and caught somethin’…"

"Is she all right?" he asked, suddenly afraid that something had happened to her. Why wasn’t she at his side?

"Relax, dad," Jimmy said smiling at the confused look on Buck’s face. He nodded towards Nicky.

"She had the baby."

"Yep," Jimmy announced proudly. "Elizabeth Louise Cross."

"Little Raven," Buck whispered adoringly.

"That’s what Nicky called her."

In an instant, Buck was up and at her side.

"I’m gonna tell the others you’re okay," Jimmy said, knowing it fell upon deaf ears.

Buck looked down upon Nicky and his baby girl. They were both so beautiful, so angelic. The feelings of depression and anger he’d kept inside so long had magically disappeared. He felt all of the emptiness drift away as he ran his finger along Elizabeth’s cherub cheek, causing her eyes to open.

"Hi," he said softly, tears in his eyes. "I’m you daddy."

Elizabeth smiled up at him. That one smile held more love than Buck had experienced in his whole life.

"Thank you, Mary," he whispered, looking towards the heavens. "Thank you for forgiving me."

The end