|
I want to hold the hand inside you.
When you look into my eyes and I see that you do not see me all I
feel is forgotten.
I can’t breath.
I cant’ eat.
I can’t live knowing you don’t see me.
See me with all the things buried deep with in me brain.
My mouth is filled with the unsaid.
Every word held back dying in my throat, leaving me parched and
tight.
I can’t be here knowing you can’t love me... *****************************
There are times when I feel your hand on my shoulder and get a
tingle.
There are times when you look at me with your dark eyes and it
makes me weak.
But then I realize that your touch is cold.
I feel your eyes breaking me down and all I can do is weep.
Why do you have to be so cold to me?
What have I done to make you hate me so much?
Was it the stares?
Was it the touch?
Was it the phrase?
The one phrase I couldn’t help but say.
The one phrase that I thought you would repeat.
Then you didn’t.
I love you.
The only time I ever tried to come to you.
The only time I tried to feel you, all you could do was run away.
I stood in my living room, my lips still tingling from the words
just spoken. Your touch
still on my cheek, your lips still on my cheek. I could not move. I
couldn’t speak. I
couldn’t breath. What had
you said?
“I’m sorry.”
That had been the last time you ever spoke kind words to me.
You had said nothing more, nor did I expect more, but that’s
all you had said.
Everyday I see you and every day you cannot look at me.
All I feel from you is coldness, hate, rejection.
The eyes are the window to the soul...but not to yours.
I look.
I try to see,
but fail.
Every time fail.
You are always the exception.
Nothing has ever been like you.
No one has ever been like you.
No one will ever be like you, no one can.
You are you, and that is why I love you so much.
That is why I can’t let you go.
That is why you are...
My Alexander… *****************************
“Do you need a lift Alex?” Emily asked AJ as he headed for the door.
“It’s pouring outside.”
His figure stopped at the door, but didn’t turn around.
“I can walk.”
“Are you sure, cause it’s no trouble-”
“I said no Emily.” He
said before opening the door, revealing the darkened night.
Kevin rolled his eyes.
Lara sighed. “I’m
sorry Em. I don’t know
why he acts like this.”
Emily nodded and put the mask over her face.
“It’s all right. Everyone has their bad days.”
She said fully knowing why the man who had just left was acting
the way he was.
“Hey Kevin, do you want a Coke?”
Emily asked jumping to her feet, she need the excuse to leave.
She
was desperate.
“Yeah sure Em.” He
said as he rolled the dice and moved the top hat on the game board.
She went to the door of the kitchen and pointed to Lara.
“You?”
“That’s OK Em, I have my latte.”
She said lifting his mug, but not his face.
She nodded her head and stepped into the kitchen; the second her
feet hit the floor her knees gave out. She shouldn’t even bother any more. The more she offers her heart to him, the more he pushes her
away. She let a tear break
past her eyelash, but only one. If
more escaped there would be no way of hiding the sorrow stewing in her
heart.
Two weeks of this had been unbearable, and now this night, this
night that he had hurt her more than ever…It was never ending.
Sitting on the floor she retraced the night’s acts.
He had come with Lara and Kevin, why...she didn’t know.
He always did things to confuse her; that was just who he was. They had eaten dinner, and then Kevin had opened up
Monopoly...
Monopoly...The game that she and AJ had played the fateful night
she had proclaimed her undying love...The irony shot into her chest like
a bullet and had caused her to stumbled back.
Once his eyes had hit the box containing the shiny silver game
pieces his blue orbs glazed over gray. His broad shoulders slumped farther down and he started for
the coat rack.
Emily had searched for words to make him stay.
She had read and re-read the books in the back of her mind for
something, anything. Nothing
but, “Do you need a lift Alex” had come to her.
She was still beating herself for that one.
But that wasn’t even the worst part…The worst had come
earlier.
At dinner. *****************************Flashback
Their laughter rang through the empty restaurant.
AJ’s eyes were almost bright as they began to sit down.
Much to his dismay, of course, Kevin and Lara took the chairs on
the opposite side of the table…The only chair left being the one next
to Emily. She glanced down
at the chair and made a frantic gesture to make him sit.
“Emily I need to talk to you.”
He said, his eyes not looking up from the table.
She unsteadily glanced at Kevin.
“Can’t it wait? I’m starv-.”
“I don’t think it can wait.”
She could tell from his tone of voice that he was serious.
She didn’t want to get him too angry…Words she didn’t want
the other two to hear would be said if she didn’t go along with him.
“Fine.” She
glanced up at Lara and Kevin and stood up to follow AJ to wherever he
was taking her.
He marched ahead of her and out the door into the dark desolate
night. He stopped at the
parking lot.
She hated parking lots. Before she could speak he turned around and spoke for her.
“You’re making it to hard to forget what happened…” His
eyes wouldn’t meet hers, they flowed every where from her cheek to her
shoes. “I want to, but I
can’t…And the thing is, I don’t know if I can take sitting next to
you just yet. I honestly don’t want to be anywhere near you but Lara
made me come.” He was
continuing but she barely heard the rest, she just wanted to go home and
never leave the house again…He wouldn’t shut up though.
“So just…make it easy for me and switch seats with Kev.”
She began to shake her head, her lips white from biting it too
hard. “I can’t do
that.”
“Why not?” He
asked exasperated.
“Because…” She stumbled here...trying to find words, of
course, her mind failed her and she couldn’t continue.
“OK.” He began
to walk by her again but she reached out and stopped him.
“Just one more thing.” He looked as if he was about to speak, but she stopped him.
“Just give me this if you are making me do this for you.”
He stopped moving so she assumed he would wait and continued.
“I’ve been your friend for so long Alex.
I’ve known you since 2nd grade, all I want to know
is why you are doing this to me? If you cared for me as much as you seemed to before, how
could a few words change everything?
Just answer me that.” She
finished taking in a deep breath when she was done speaking.
She waited now…Waited and waited for what seemed like an
eternity for an answer of any sort.
‘If you had to ask me that I don’t think you meant what you
said…You should know if you care for me as much as you say you
do…It’s not that simple.” And
with that he walked back inside.” *****************************end
flashback
“Em!
You need any help in there?”
She heard Kevin shout from the living room.
Emily bolted to her feet. “No!” She
shouted running to the refrigerator.
“I had to take out the trash.”
Nice rebound! She
smiled weakly to herself and sprinted to the living room. Panting as she handed the Coke to the confused man.
“Are you really that out of shape?”
He asked, his brow furrowed.
“No, I just didn’t breath when I ran.”
“Why not?” Lara
asked finally looking up.
“You just landed on Boardwalk.”
She interrupted picking up her pile of money. *****************************
“A friend in need's a friend indeed.
A friend with weed is better.
A friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend who’s dressed
in leather.” The music
floated down the hallway and down he stairs. He could hear it through the door.
He knocked again. The
alcohol from the night before still effecting him as he stepped away
from the door.
He didn’t hear the music turn off or at least turn down...He
sighed and turned around, staring past the porch.
I’m just going to
leave...One more minute and I’m just going to leave...
“Don’t leave!” He
heard a woman shout as the door opened.
He turned around. “Oh.”
He said stepping back. She
was wearing a towel. A
short towel. A short, short towel. “I
can come back later.” He
said starting to turn.
“No! Don’t!”
She said grabbing his arm. Her
hand was wet.
He looked down at her hand, then back up to her.
“I just came to pick up my wallet.
I left it here yesterday.”
“Oh yeah. Come
in.” She said
turning back into the house. “I
put it over here somewhere.”
He watched her searching her living room; still wearing the
towel. She bent down to
look under a couch cushion. The
towel drifted up just enough so that he could see an area of flesh he
was sure he wasn’t supposed to see...He took a deep breath and turned
away.
“I’m so sorry I know it’s somewhere around here!”
She said turning to him for a minute.
She paused as if she was going to speak again, but she didn’t.
She turned to the kitchen and opened the door.
“Maybe I put it in here.”
AJ looked up the stairs noticing for the first time that her
music was still on. “Maybe
you should turn down your music!”
He yelled as loud as he could.
She didn’t hear, or at least he thought she didn’t hear,
because he didn’t hear her answer him.
He started to whistle and walked to the fireplace.
He had an eerie chill roll up his spine as he stepped in the spot
where she had told him...what she had told him.
He shook the feeling off and started to look at the pictures, one
in particular popping out at him. It
was Emily and him; they were smiling and had their arms around each
other. Emily’s hair was
blowing out behind her and a valley could be seen in the distance.
It was from the hike up Mt. St. Helen’s.
That had been one of the best weeks of his life.
The smile on his face said it all.
She had to go and ruin that...All that they had had was ruined in
one minute. Maybe it was
the beer, or maybe it was his brain, but at this moment; he hated her
for that.
“Here it is.” She
said smiling as she stepped out of the kitchen, startling him.
She was now holding the towel around her chest so it didn’t
fall. He licked his lips
and took the wallet without thanking her.
He glanced at her a second more and then started for the door.
“Um, do you want some coffee or something.”
She asked pulling up her towel.
Please don’t leave me
like this again.
AJ sighed and turned back
to the girl. He must have
turned to swiftly because he got dizzy and his knees gave out.
“Are you all right Alex?” She asked kneeling down next him. Her hand was dry, but yet again on his shoulder.
“Would you stop calling me Alex!”
He said pushing her hand off; in doing so he pushed her back and
her towel opened slightly. His eyes fixed on the exposed flesh and he couldn’t
take his eyes off of it, until she covered up at least...He looked up;
her eyes were wide with shock and a little embarrassment.
AJ moved forward and grabbed Emily’s towel, pulling her closer
to him. Emily let him do
it, but somewhere back in mind she was a little scared. AJ got to his feet and drew her up with him.
Once on their feet they were both looking into each other’s
eyes. His half peering
half-gazing; hers staring into his trying to find what he was thinking.
She wanted this to be a good thing.
She had waited for this for a long time.
It couldn’t be happening though.
It couldn’t be happening with him like this.
He hated her.
After minutes of standing still in the middle of the living room
floor AJ leaned forward. Something
took over his body and he couldn’t stop whatever it was.
He kissed her.
The kiss sent them both on a dizzying journey; a journey that
sent them sprawling through the cosmos in the minds.
The swirling of the room sent them to their knees; their arms
wrapped around each other as if welded to one another by some strange
force.
The energy in the room began to increase.
AJ somehow found the strength to lift them both to their feet and
followed the music still pouring from the upstairs bedroom where they
were headed.
Although in the back of her mind she knew that in a way this was
wrong; all her senses were telling her it was OK.
She kept on; his arms still wrapped around her, drowning the cold
air in the house completely out, covering her with a soothing warmth.
He led her to her room as if he had been there before.
It was as if his body was telling his feet were to go when in
actuality he had no idea where he was headed.
His feet touched something soft and he guessed he was in a room.
The music had gotten louder here.
It must be her room, he thought to himself.
He felt her weight shift on him as she began to push him back.
He felt himself bump up against a hard object; she sat him down
on it. It had become soft. It
was her bed.
This is happening.
She kept telling herself. This is no dream. You are
not asleep. This is happening.
With a swift movement AJ flipped Emily onto her back; this moment
was the first time since downstairs their lips parted.
Their lips met moments later as needy and fiery as before.
It’s the booze boy.
This is happening.
He cares. He must.
This
is happening.
What are you doing?
This is happening.
His lips are kissing me. I’ve
waited for this...
This is happening.
Yeah, it is...And for the wrong reasons. *****************************
Oh god, what have I done.
Oh dear lord, what have I done?
He asked himself looking over to her sleeping on the other
side of the bed. Her brown
hair was loosely hanging and sprawled onto her left shoulder; the one
facing him. He could see her face, her lips.
She was smiling.
It was the booze.
You were drunk. It’s
the only logical explanation. You
were drunk. You didn’t know what you were doing. After all, you are just a man.
Just a man? What the
hell am I saying? This
isn’t me.
This isn’t happening.
I have to go. I have
to leave. This isn’t’
right.
What’s done is done.
AJ picked up his clothes swiftly and ran out of the room.
He closed the door behind him making sure it didn’t slam then
started for the door.
His shirt was on. He
was at the top of the stairs.
His left leg was in his pants.
He was at the bottom of the stairs.
His right leg was in his pants; they were on.
He was almost to the door.
He grabbed his jacket and slung it over his shoulder.
He was out the door. *****************************
I’m awake!
She said happily in her head as she reached over to touch his
body. Her hands searched
for his flesh, but it was not there.
She opened her eyes. He
was not there.
Emily slowly sat up in bed, the sheets sticking to her unclothed
body. She didn’t hear the
shower running. She
didn’t hear movement from downstairs.
Her CD had stopped playing sometime in the night; leaving the
house completely quiet...
And without him.
Why did he go?
She asked herself, fully knowing the reasons why.
They were weighing down on her heart just like they always did.
This isn’t happening. *****************************
“Where did he say he was going?”
She asked Kevin politely, giving him no clue to why she was
asking.
“He didn’t.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry hun.” He said apologetically as he shook his head.
“That’s all right Kev.” She said biting her lip.
She put her hand to her head and closed her red rimmed eyes.
“He didn’t say when he was going to be back?”
She asked, hopefully, sneaking a sniffle in as she opened them
again.
“Nope, he just said he was going out.
He didn’t say anything else besides that.”
Kevin paused then added. “Do
you need me to come over? You
sound upset”
“No, I’m fine.” She
lied as she roughly tightened her robe around her waist.
“Are you sure?” He asked seeing through her entirely.
She nodded, even though he could not see her.
“Yes. Really,
I’ll just try back later. Thank
you Kev.”
“Are you-”
“Good bye Kevin.” She
said smiling slightly.
“Bye.” He gave
in and hung up the phone.
Emily put the phone down in her lap and fell back onto the bed.
No he wasn’t like this.
This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
How did I let this happen? How
did I let this happen to me? Why
didn’t I see this coming? How
could he have left me?
Looking back it had seemed
so wonderful. The need; the
wanted flesh; the fire in their kisses had been too real for it to have
ended in such a way. Nobody
could have lied that night. Nobody
could have lied the emotions she had received from him.
This isn’t the way it should end.
This isn’t happening. *****************************
“You took you’re time coming home.”
Lara said from the couch. She
turned off “I Love Lucy” and turned to the disheveled man who had
just entered the door.
“Well I felt like taking my time.”
He said throwing his coat onto the floor.
Lara jerked back at his friend’s words.
“OK...Emily called-.”
At the sound off her name he turned to him with fire in his eyes.
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“What’s wrong with you-?”
“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT OK?”
He yelled before sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.
Lara glared at his friend and left the room with her fists
clenched.
As he sat in his living room his head began to buzz.
All of his thoughts seemed to jumble into one giant blob and all
that could be heard of them was buzzing.
Couldn’t you have just
stayed?..........Couldn’t you have stayed away from her?..........Why
does it matter, she means nothing to you..........She means
everything-...........You were drunk; it wasn’t your
fault.............You’re a man. How
could a man resist an open invitation?.............It wasn’t an open
invitation............She means nothing to me..............
Don’t kid yourself Alex,
you know I mean the world to you. *****************************
“Look, I’ve known you for practically all my life.
I don’t understand what happened.”
“Yes you do.”
“What?”
“You do.”
“Why is that?”
“I think you can tell me.” She paused and let him seep in her sentence.
“I never noticed before, I never cared to, but look at you.”
“Look at me?” He
questioned, a little confused.
“Yes, look at you. 9
out of 10 times you come over to my house, it’s to pick up something
you left. A little
thing…like a book or a sweater…Do you ever notice that when you
leave you leave something on the coffee table?
I never noticed until a few days ago…Just a few days ago after
you came over…You came over and you left your wallet.
Now I know you pretty well Alex, and I know that you wouldn’t
leave your wallet anywhere, even if you tried.
You’re cheap!” She
moved the phone to her other ear. “You
always seem to be mad at me, or not wanting to be near me yet you
constantly come over and stay over. If you
really hated me as much as you try to make it seem you’d never want to come over no matter what it was for.
Yet you do. I
didn’t ever think it possible but now maybe I see, I think I
understand.”
“Understand?” His
voice was disbelieving but came out in a squeak.
“Alex, if you can’t allow yourself to realize the real reason
you came over yesterday then…Then I don’t know what to do with
you.”
“What are you trying to get me to tell you Em?”
He called you Em…
“Do you want me to tell you that I have loved you forever and
that I act the way I do because I can’t make a commitment or I’m
just scared?”
“Well-.”
“Why the HELL would you think that?
DO you always have to fight that hard to get what you want?”
“I-.”
“Good lord Girl! What
I did the other day was wrong I’m not denying that, but you can’t
sit there and tell me what I think.”
“Then why do you-?”
“Why not?” There
was a pause on the other end so he filled it.
“Yeah, you can’t
give me an answer, why should I
give you one?”
“Slow down! Let me think-!”
“No! The answer to
everything is no, OK? Listen
Emily, I called to apologize, not to get into an argument.” He paused and bit his lip one more time.
“I’m leaving town for a couple of months.”
“Wha-?”
“Where are you going?” She asked hopefully, but feeling the panic set in.
“Like I’m going to tell you Emily.
It’s none of your business.
I’ll let you know when I get back.”
“But-“ Before she could answer he had hung up the phone.
She stared at the wall in disbelief as the dial tone began to
pierce her ear. She slowly put the phone in its cradle and sat down on the
couch again.
He was leaving…Leaving for 3 months and she didn’t know where
he was going. He had never
left without telling her where, in fact he had never left without her.
And he was leaving.
Leaving her with nothing but a tattered memory of the way things
used to be and a vivid memory of the way things were. *****************************
Lara had been on her door step minutes after Kevin had told her.
There was no hiding anything from Kevin, and once Kevin knew Lara
was going to know next.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”
She said shocked as she sat down on the couch next to the
exasperated Emily.
“I only found out yesterday Lara.”
“But Em! This is
such a big thing! Such a
big big thing!” She said
her voice raising with each word.
“Damn it don’t yell at me Lara!”
She said putting her fingers to her temples.
Lara sighed. “I’m
sorry…” She paused and put her hand on Emily’s shoulder.
“How did it happen?” Before
Emily could respond she put her finger up.
“And don’t give me and bull shit, I want to know who
and…Well who. What
happened?”
Emily sighed. “You
wouldn’t guess in a thousand years.”
“You won’t believe-.”
“Just tell me.” She said closing her eyes.
“Alex.”
“WHAT?” She
screamed opening her eyes. “Our
Alex?” She asked in a
whisper. Emily nodded. “Oh my God.” She
started shaking her head. “When?”
“About a month and a half ago.”
“So just before he le-.” A sudden realization hit her…She turned slowly towards
Emily, a look of total remorse all in every pour of her face. “Did his leaving have anything to do with this?”
“Well not this, but
yes…I told him.”
“You told him what?” She
asked, her voice carrying a slight edge to it.
“That I loved him.”
“When?”
“Before, weeks before…That’s why I am so confused.”
Putting all other things aside Lara grabbed Emily’s hand.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I haven’t decided yet.” She answered not lowering her head.
“You’re taking this pretty calmly…Is there something you
aren’t telling me?”
“Oh, no, I just calmed down a little bit.
I had all of yesterday and last night to feel sorry for
myself.”
“But there is something else…”
“I’m just worried about him, I swear…That’s all…for
right now that is.” Fade Into You
I want to hold the hand inside you.
When you look into my eyes and I see that you do not see me all I
feel is forgotten.
I can’t breath.
I cant’ eat.
I can’t live knowing you don’t see me.
See me with all the things buried deep with in me brain.
My mouth is filled with the unsaid.
Every word held back dying in my throat, leaving me parched and
tight.
I can’t be here knowing you can’t love me... *****************************
There are times when I feel your hand on my shoulder and get a
tingle.
There are times when you look at me with your dark eyes and it
makes me weak.
But then I realize that your touch is cold.
I feel your eyes breaking me down and all I can do is weep.
Why do you have to be so cold to me?
What have I done to make you hate me so much?
Was it the stares?
Was it the touch?
Was it the phrase?
The one phrase I couldn’t help but say.
The one phrase that I thought you would repeat.
Then you didn’t.
I love you.
The only time I ever tried to come to you.
The only time I tried to feel you, all you could do was run away.
I stood in my living room, my lips still tingling from the words
just spoken. Your touch
still on my cheek, your lips still on my cheek. I could not move. I
couldn’t speak. I
couldn’t breath. What had
you said?
“I’m sorry.”
That had been the last time you ever spoke kind words to me.
You had said nothing more, nor did I expect more, but that’s
all you had said.
Everyday I see you and every day you cannot look at me.
All I feel from you is coldness, hate, rejection.
The eyes are the window to the soul...but not to yours.
I look.
I try to see,
but fail.
Every time fail.
You are always the exception.
Nothing has ever been like you.
No one has ever been like you.
No one will ever be like you, no one can.
You are you, and that is why I love you so much.
That is why I can’t let you go.
That is why you are...
My Alexander… *****************************
“Do you need a lift Alex?” Emily asked AJ as he headed for the door.
“It’s pouring outside.”
His figure stopped at the door, but didn’t turn around.
“I can walk.”
“Are you sure, cause it’s no trouble-”
“I said no Emily.” He
said before opening the door, revealing the darkened night.
Kevin rolled his eyes.
Lara sighed. “I’m
sorry Em. I don’t know
why he acts like this.”
Emily nodded and put the mask over her face.
“It’s all right. Everyone has their bad days.”
She said fully knowing why the man who had just left was acting
the way he was.
“Hey Kevin, do you want a Coke?”
Emily asked jumping to her feet, she need the excuse to leave.
She
was desperate.
“Yeah sure Em.” He
said as he rolled the dice and moved the top hat on the game board.
She went to the door of the kitchen and pointed to Lara.
“You?”
“That’s OK Em, I have my latte.”
She said lifting his mug, but not his face.
She nodded her head and stepped into the kitchen; the second her
feet hit the floor her knees gave out. She shouldn’t even bother any more. The more she offers her heart to him, the more he pushes her
away. She let a tear break
past her eyelash, but only one. If
more escaped there would be no way of hiding the sorrow stewing in her
heart.
Two weeks of this had been unbearable, and now this night, this
night that he had hurt her more than ever…It was never ending.
Sitting on the floor she retraced the night’s acts.
He had come with Lara and Kevin, why...she didn’t know.
He always did things to confuse her; that was just who he was. They had eaten dinner, and then Kevin had opened up
Monopoly...
Monopoly...The game that she and AJ had played the fateful night
she had proclaimed her undying love...The irony shot into her chest like
a bullet and had caused her to stumbled back.
Once his eyes had hit the box containing the shiny silver game
pieces his blue orbs glazed over gray. His broad shoulders slumped farther down and he started for
the coat rack.
Emily had searched for words to make him stay.
She had read and re-read the books in the back of her mind for
something, anything. Nothing
but, “Do you need a lift Alex” had come to her.
She was still beating herself for that one.
But that wasn’t even the worst part…The worst had come
earlier.
At dinner. *****************************Flashback
Their laughter rang through the empty restaurant.
AJ’s eyes were almost bright as they began to sit down.
Much to his dismay, of course, Kevin and Lara took the chairs on
the opposite side of the table…The only chair left being the one next
to Emily. She glanced down
at the chair and made a frantic gesture to make him sit.
“Emily I need to talk to you.”
He said, his eyes not looking up from the table.
She unsteadily glanced at Kevin.
“Can’t it wait? I’m starv-.”
“I don’t think it can wait.”
She could tell from his tone of voice that he was serious.
She didn’t want to get him too angry…Words she didn’t want
the other two to hear would be said if she didn’t go along with him.
“Fine.” She
glanced up at Lara and Kevin and stood up to follow AJ to wherever he
was taking her.
He marched ahead of her and out the door into the dark desolate
night. He stopped at the
parking lot.
She hated parking lots. Before she could speak he turned around and spoke for her.
“You’re making it to hard to forget what happened…” His
eyes wouldn’t meet hers, they flowed every where from her cheek to her
shoes. “I want to, but I
can’t…And the thing is, I don’t know if I can take sitting next to
you just yet. I honestly don’t want to be anywhere near you but Lara
made me come.” He was
continuing but she barely heard the rest, she just wanted to go home and
never leave the house again…He wouldn’t shut up though.
“So just…make it easy for me and switch seats with Kev.”
She began to shake her head, her lips white from biting it too
hard. “I can’t do
that.”
“Why not?” He
asked exasperated.
“Because…” She stumbled here...trying to find words, of
course, her mind failed her and she couldn’t continue.
“OK.” He began
to walk by her again but she reached out and stopped him.
“Just one more thing.” He looked as if he was about to speak, but she stopped him.
“Just give me this if you are making me do this for you.”
He stopped moving so she assumed he would wait and continued.
“I’ve been your friend for so long Alex.
I’ve known you since 2nd grade, all I want to know
is why you are doing this to me? If you cared for me as much as you seemed to before, how
could a few words change everything?
Just answer me that.” She
finished taking in a deep breath when she was done speaking.
She waited now…Waited and waited for what seemed like an
eternity for an answer of any sort.
‘If you had to ask me that I don’t think you meant what you
said…You should know if you care for me as much as you say you
do…It’s not that simple.” And
with that he walked back inside.” *****************************end
flashback
“Em!
You need any help in there?”
She heard Kevin shout from the living room.
Emily bolted to her feet. “No!” She
shouted running to the refrigerator.
“I had to take out the trash.”
Nice rebound! She
smiled weakly to herself and sprinted to the living room. Panting as she handed the Coke to the confused man.
“Are you really that out of shape?”
He asked, his brow furrowed.
“No, I just didn’t breath when I ran.”
“Why not?” Lara
asked finally looking up.
“You just landed on Boardwalk.”
She interrupted picking up her pile of money. *****************************
“A friend in need's a friend indeed.
A friend with weed is better.
A friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend who’s dressed
in leather.” The music
floated down the hallway and down he stairs. He could hear it through the door.
He knocked again. The
alcohol from the night before still effecting him as he stepped away
from the door.
He didn’t hear the music turn off or at least turn down...He
sighed and turned around, staring past the porch.
I’m just going to
leave...One more minute and I’m just going to leave...
“Don’t leave!” He
heard a woman shout as the door opened.
He turned around. “Oh.”
He said stepping back. She
was wearing a towel. A
short towel. A short, short towel. “I
can come back later.” He
said starting to turn.
“No! Don’t!”
She said grabbing his arm. Her
hand was wet.
He looked down at her hand, then back up to her.
“I just came to pick up my wallet.
I left it here yesterday.”
“Oh yeah. Come
in.” She said
turning back into the house. “I
put it over here somewhere.”
He watched her searching her living room; still wearing the
towel. She bent down to
look under a couch cushion. The
towel drifted up just enough so that he could see an area of flesh he
was sure he wasn’t supposed to see...He took a deep breath and turned
away.
“I’m so sorry I know it’s somewhere around here!”
She said turning to him for a minute.
She paused as if she was going to speak again, but she didn’t.
She turned to the kitchen and opened the door.
“Maybe I put it in here.”
AJ looked up the stairs noticing for the first time that her
music was still on. “Maybe
you should turn down your music!”
He yelled as loud as he could.
She didn’t hear, or at least he thought she didn’t hear,
because he didn’t hear her answer him.
He started to whistle and walked to the fireplace.
He had an eerie chill roll up his spine as he stepped in the spot
where she had told him...what she had told him.
He shook the feeling off and started to look at the pictures, one
in particular popping out at him. It
was Emily and him; they were smiling and had their arms around each
other. Emily’s hair was
blowing out behind her and a valley could be seen in the distance.
It was from the hike up Mt. St. Helen’s.
That had been one of the best weeks of his life.
The smile on his face said it all.
She had to go and ruin that...All that they had had was ruined in
one minute. Maybe it was
the beer, or maybe it was his brain, but at this moment; he hated her
for that.
“Here it is.” She
said smiling as she stepped out of the kitchen, startling him.
She was now holding the towel around her chest so it didn’t
fall. He licked his lips
and took the wallet without thanking her.
He glanced at her a second more and then started for the door.
“Um, do you want some coffee or something.”
She asked pulling up her towel.
Please don’t leave me
like this again.
AJ sighed and turned back
to the girl. He must have
turned to swiftly because he got dizzy and his knees gave out.
“Are you all right Alex?” She asked kneeling down next him. Her hand was dry, but yet again on his shoulder.
“Would you stop calling me Alex!”
He said pushing her hand off; in doing so he pushed her back and
her towel opened slightly. His eyes fixed on the exposed flesh and he couldn’t
take his eyes off of it, until she covered up at least...He looked up;
her eyes were wide with shock and a little embarrassment.
AJ moved forward and grabbed Emily’s towel, pulling her closer
to him. Emily let him do
it, but somewhere back in mind she was a little scared. AJ got to his feet and drew her up with him.
Once on their feet they were both looking into each other’s
eyes. His half peering
half-gazing; hers staring into his trying to find what he was thinking.
She wanted this to be a good thing.
She had waited for this for a long time.
It couldn’t be happening though.
It couldn’t be happening with him like this.
He hated her.
After minutes of standing still in the middle of the living room
floor AJ leaned forward. Something
took over his body and he couldn’t stop whatever it was.
He kissed her.
The kiss sent them both on a dizzying journey; a journey that
sent them sprawling through the cosmos in the minds.
The swirling of the room sent them to their knees; their arms
wrapped around each other as if welded to one another by some strange
force.
The energy in the room began to increase.
AJ somehow found the strength to lift them both to their feet and
followed the music still pouring from the upstairs bedroom where they
were headed.
Although in the back of her mind she knew that in a way this was
wrong; all her senses were telling her it was OK.
She kept on; his arms still wrapped around her, drowning the cold
air in the house completely out, covering her with a soothing warmth.
He led her to her room as if he had been there before.
It was as if his body was telling his feet were to go when in
actuality he had no idea where he was headed.
His feet touched something soft and he guessed he was in a room.
The music had gotten louder here.
It must be her room, he thought to himself.
He felt her weight shift on him as she began to push him back.
He felt himself bump up against a hard object; she sat him down
on it. It had become soft. It
was her bed.
This is happening.
She kept telling herself. This is no dream. You are
not asleep. This is happening.
With a swift movement AJ flipped Emily onto her back; this moment
was the first time since downstairs their lips parted.
Their lips met moments later as needy and fiery as before.
It’s the booze boy.
This is happening.
He cares. He must.
This
is happening.
What are you doing?
This is happening.
His lips are kissing me. I’ve
waited for this...
This is happening.
Yeah, it is...And for the wrong reasons. *****************************
Oh god, what have I done.
Oh dear lord, what have I done?
He asked himself looking over to her sleeping on the other
side of the bed. Her brown
hair was loosely hanging and sprawled onto her left shoulder; the one
facing him. He could see her face, her lips.
She was smiling.
It was the booze.
You were drunk. It’s
the only logical explanation. You
were drunk. You didn’t know what you were doing. After all, you are just a man.
Just a man? What the
hell am I saying? This
isn’t me.
This isn’t happening.
I have to go. I have
to leave. This isn’t’
right.
What’s done is done.
AJ picked up his clothes swiftly and ran out of the room.
He closed the door behind him making sure it didn’t slam then
started for the door.
His shirt was on. He
was at the top of the stairs.
His left leg was in his pants.
He was at the bottom of the stairs.
His right leg was in his pants; they were on.
He was almost to the door.
He grabbed his jacket and slung it over his shoulder.
He was out the door. *****************************
I’m awake!
She said happily in her head as she reached over to touch his
body. Her hands searched
for his flesh, but it was not there.
She opened her eyes. He
was not there.
Emily slowly sat up in bed, the sheets sticking to her unclothed
body. She didn’t hear the
shower running. She
didn’t hear movement from downstairs.
Her CD had stopped playing sometime in the night; leaving the
house completely quiet...
And without him.
Why did he go?
She asked herself, fully knowing the reasons why.
They were weighing down on her heart just like they always did.
This isn’t happening. *****************************
“Where did he say he was going?”
She asked Kevin politely, giving him no clue to why she was
asking.
“He didn’t.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry hun.” He said apologetically as he shook his head.
“That’s all right Kev.” She said biting her lip.
She put her hand to her head and closed her red rimmed eyes.
“He didn’t say when he was going to be back?”
She asked, hopefully, sneaking a sniffle in as she opened them
again.
“Nope, he just said he was going out.
He didn’t say anything else besides that.”
Kevin paused then added. “Do
you need me to come over? You
sound upset”
“No, I’m fine.” She
lied as she roughly tightened her robe around her waist.
“Are you sure?” He asked seeing through her entirely.
She nodded, even though he could not see her.
“Yes. Really,
I’ll just try back later. Thank
you Kev.”
“Are you-”
“Good bye Kevin.” She
said smiling slightly.
“Bye.” He gave
in and hung up the phone.
Emily put the phone down in her lap and fell back onto the bed.
No he wasn’t like this.
This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
How did I let this happen? How
did I let this happen to me? Why
didn’t I see this coming? How
could he have left me?
Looking back it had seemed
so wonderful. The need; the
wanted flesh; the fire in their kisses had been too real for it to have
ended in such a way. Nobody
could have lied that night. Nobody
could have lied the emotions she had received from him.
This isn’t the way it should end.
This isn’t happening. *****************************
“You took you’re time coming home.”
Lara said from the couch. She
turned off “I Love Lucy” and turned to the disheveled man who had
just entered the door.
“Well I felt like taking my time.”
He said throwing his coat onto the floor.
Lara jerked back at his friend’s words.
“OK...Emily called-.”
At the sound off her name he turned to him with fire in his eyes.
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“What’s wrong with you-?”
“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT OK?”
He yelled before sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.
Lara glared at his friend and left the room with her fists
clenched.
As he sat in his living room his head began to buzz.
All of his thoughts seemed to jumble into one giant blob and all
that could be heard of them was buzzing.
Couldn’t you have just
stayed?..........Couldn’t you have stayed away from her?..........Why
does it matter, she means nothing to you..........She means
everything-...........You were drunk; it wasn’t your
fault.............You’re a man. How
could a man resist an open invitation?.............It wasn’t an open
invitation............She means nothing to me..............
Don’t kid yourself Alex,
you know I mean the world to you. *****************************
“Look, I’ve known you for practically all my life.
I don’t understand what happened.”
“Yes you do.”
“What?”
“You do.”
“Why is that?”
“I think you can tell me.” She paused and let him seep in her sentence.
“I never noticed before, I never cared to, but look at you.”
“Look at me?” He
questioned, a little confused.
“Yes, look at you. 9
out of 10 times you come over to my house, it’s to pick up something
you left. A little
thing…like a book or a sweater…Do you ever notice that when you
leave you leave something on the coffee table?
I never noticed until a few days ago…Just a few days ago after
you came over…You came over and you left your wallet.
Now I know you pretty well Alex, and I know that you wouldn’t
leave your wallet anywhere, even if you tried.
You’re cheap!” She
moved the phone to her other ear. “You
always seem to be mad at me, or not wanting to be near me yet you
constantly come over and stay over. If you
really hated me as much as you try to make it seem you’d never want to come over no matter what it was for.
Yet you do. I
didn’t ever think it possible but now maybe I see, I think I
understand.”
“Understand?” His
voice was disbelieving but came out in a squeak.
“Alex, if you can’t allow yourself to realize the real reason
you came over yesterday then…Then I don’t know what to do with
you.”
“What are you trying to get me to tell you Em?”
He called you Em…
“Do you want me to tell you that I have loved you forever and
that I act the way I do because I can’t make a commitment or I’m
just scared?”
“Well-.”
“Why the HELL would you think that?
DO you always have to fight that hard to get what you want?”
“I-.”
“Good lord Girl! What
I did the other day was wrong I’m not denying that, but you can’t
sit there and tell me what I think.”
“Then why do you-?”
“Why not?” There
was a pause on the other end so he filled it.
“Yeah, you can’t
give me an answer, why should I
give you one?”
“Slow down! Let me think-!”
“No! The answer to
everything is no, OK? Listen
Emily, I called to apologize, not to get into an argument.” He paused and bit his lip one more time.
“I’m leaving town for a couple of months.”
“Wha-?”
“Where are you going?” She asked hopefully, but feeling the panic set in.
“Like I’m going to tell you Emily.
It’s none of your business.
I’ll let you know when I get back.”
“But-“ Before she could answer he had hung up the phone.
She stared at the wall in disbelief as the dial tone began to
pierce her ear. She slowly put the phone in its cradle and sat down on the
couch again.
He was leaving…Leaving for 3 months and she didn’t know where
he was going. He had never
left without telling her where, in fact he had never left without her.
And he was leaving.
Leaving her with nothing but a tattered memory of the way things
used to be and a vivid memory of the way things were. *****************************
Lara had been on her door step minutes after Kevin had told her.
There was no hiding anything from Kevin, and once Kevin knew Lara
was going to know next.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”
She said shocked as she sat down on the couch next to the
exasperated Emily.
“I only found out yesterday Lara.”
“But Em! This is
such a big thing! Such a
big big thing!” She said
her voice raising with each word.
“Damn it don’t yell at me Lara!”
She said putting her fingers to her temples.
Lara sighed. “I’m
sorry…” She paused and put her hand on Emily’s shoulder.
“How did it happen?” Before
Emily could respond she put her finger up.
“And don’t give me and bull shit, I want to know who
and…Well who. What
happened?”
Emily sighed. “You
wouldn’t guess in a thousand years.”
“You won’t believe-.”
“Just tell me.” She said closing her eyes.
“Alex.”
“WHAT?” She
screamed opening her eyes. “Our
Alex?” She asked in a
whisper. Emily nodded. “Oh my God.” She
started shaking her head. “When?”
“About a month and a half ago.”
“So just before he le-.” A sudden realization hit her…She turned slowly towards
Emily, a look of total remorse all in every pour of her face. “Did his leaving have anything to do with this?”
“Well not this, but
yes…I told him.”
“You told him what?” She
asked, her voice carrying a slight edge to it.
“That I loved him.”
“When?”
“Before, weeks before…That’s why I am so confused.”
Putting all other things aside Lara grabbed Emily’s hand.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I haven’t decided yet.” She answered not lowering her head.
“You’re taking this pretty calmly…Is there something you
aren’t telling me?”
“Oh, no, I just calmed down a little bit.
I had all of yesterday and last night to feel sorry for
myself.”
“But there is something else…”
“I’m just worried about him, I swear…That’s all…for
right now that is.”
|
|
|
  |