Super Mario 64
Thats-a right! Its-a me, Mario! That bitch Princess got me in-a trouble-a again, and I have to-a go out and-a rescue her? And what-a do I-a get? That ^$%&@ only bakes me a damn cake! I no-a want-a cake! I-a have needs! If I-a eat something, it no-a gonna be a cake! I tell her-a what I want, she just-a bake me-a another cake! I'm-a gonna shova that-a cake up her @ss! Where's a Lara? She is a real woman-a, and-a understands my a-needs. She a know that I-a plumber, and I gotta lay pipe!
Madgrad: Alright! GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! I'm trying to write a review!
Mario: I used to love-a her, now she-a break-a my heart! I know-a why she no want me, it because of that weasel Luigi and Wario! When I'm-a away, they a-tag team her!
Madgrad: I'm-a gonna be a-sick! D'oh! No I'm talking like him!
For those of you who don't know, Marion 64 was one of the debut titles for the N-64, when it was finally released. The fat midget plumber continues on his stupid antics going around and fighting Koopa. For a new[then] system, couldn't the debut title show some originallity? Guess not. The big thing was that Marion was viewed in a third person perspective, so now you can see his-a fat ass too. Oh yay. This isn't even a new idea, remember Alone in the Dark?
GRAPHICS
When I first saw this, I thought that I had needed new glasses. Everything is very bright and blurry in this game. Sure its supposed to appeal to a broad audience, but this just looked WAY too childish. The bluring that plagues some N-64 titles is present here, and I constantly found myself trying to think of a way to increase the contrast. The best way to describe it is if you were to melt a box of bright crayons, make a picture, then smear the wax. You could still tell what it was, but its just blurred. If the graphics were detailed, I could understand the brightness, and even some of the bluring, but they really aren't! The PSX puts out way better graphics than this game! But no, everything here is one bright huge friggin blob. If the kiddy look doesn't make you puke, the bluring haze will. Now I need my headache pill again...
SOUND
Ah the sound on the N-64, or lack there of. We all know that the N-64 lacks a dedicated sound card, so don't expect anything like a Diamond Monster sound for the PC. Even when I took this into account, the game still sounded like crap. The kiddie feel was sickening. Bleps, bloops, and bups were aimed right at a 6-10 year old, not me.
CONTROL
Okay, the control is fine. Once you get over the N-64 claw of death controller design, and get used to the weird button posistioning, it will be intuitive.
GAMEPLAY
Believe it or not, but I was willing to overlook the strange graphics and bad sound if the gameplay was deep and involving. It wasn't. All of the puzzles and platforms and jumping sequences here have been done elsewhere, only much better. There was simply nothing new here to surprise me. I have been doing the same damn thing with Mario since the NES! You still find coins, do jumping puzzles, and other crap. Granted, a company with a sequel will want to preserve the feel of the franchise, but couldn't they do anything new? Even the enemies sucked, and you can play the game all the way through with out dying once. I'll admit that there are some secrets, but chances are you will be so damn bored that you won't want to find them. I still cant believe that the old Ultra Game Players gave this a perfect score!If you are a kid, this game is perfect, but if you are a veteran, it is way too easy and ugly. I hope to God that Nintendo does somethin new for the sequel, or else the obese Italian plumber will sleep with the fishes.
Graphics: 7/10
Sound: 6/10
Control: 8/10
Gameplay: 6/10
Overall: 7/10 Its not a horrible game, but it does nothing new.
-Madgraduate
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