Michael: I'm not completely emotionally retarded. I have feelings.
Kyle: What do you suppose alien crystals are going for on EBay?
Maria: So, do you get hungry just like the rest of us?
Kyle: You look really great when you're pissed.
Tess: Yeah, right.
Kyle: No, I'm serious. I feel, like, all this energy coming from you right now. In order to trim the lamp of wisdom, we must attend to our bodily needs.
Tess: Let me tell you something, Buddha-boy... I got a lamp that needs some serious trimming.
Maria: Hello? I'm singing on Saturday at the new performance space next to the museum!
Michael: Yeah. But I've heard you sing before. What's the big deal?
Maria: We've both been kind of busy.
Michael: [looking at her chest] Yeah, I can see that.
Alex: I was wondering - do aliens enjoy the cinema?
Isabel: Alex...
Alex: Yeah, right. Sorry. The 'A' word.
Isabel: Are you afraid? I mean to let someone in; to let someone see who you really are?
Liz: Yeah, of course I am.
Isabel: Well, multiply that by about a million.
Maria: This is the second time you've dragged me into some cheap motel.
Michael: Well, don't spread it around; you'll ruin my reputation.
Isabel: I want to get the hell out of here. This place is psychologically damaging.
Michael: "This place could hold the answers to everything.
Isabel: Yeah, I'm sure it's a real mecca for factual information
Isabel: The perfect Liz Parker lying to her mother?
Liz: Yeah, well, at least my parents know what species I am.
Announcer: What's running through your mind right now?
Liz: Yeah, nothing I can say on live radio.
Maria: Not if you were the last alien on Earth.
Max: Well I'm not from around here.
Liz: Where you from? [Max points up with his index finger]
Liz: Up north? [Max points higher]
Liz: You're not an, an alien, I mean. Are you?
Max: Well I prefer the term not of this earth.
Michael: [pointing to the bed] I don't suppose we could share?
Michael: [about Maria] It feels so wrong, but it feels so good.
DJ: Well, hey, hold on there, dream girl. You're not gonna get off so easy. I mean, look at these guys. You got 'em hanging on by a string, and I think you owe it to them, and the KROZ listeners, to make a choice here and now. Will it be Doug, the dream man we chose for you...the ex-boyfriend, Lyle...
DJ: Or Max, who kidnapped you, and vandalized your home? What do you have to say for yourselves, men?
Doug: I thought she just wanted a normal date.
Kyle: [Drunk] Hey, I'm just happy to be nominated...and I think I'm gonna puke.
Liz: Hi.
Kyle: Well, you here for a reason, or you just rushed right over 'cause you sensed I might be experiencing some actual joy?
Tess: Kind of uptight about nudity, aren't you, for a guy who reads Jugs?
Kyle: Give me that!
Tess: Oh...the post-its? Nice touch.
Maria: Oh, well, I certainly don't want to hear a long story unless there's a Kennedy involved.
Kyle: My strength fails. My vitality exhausted. I cannot find the bull. I only hear the locusts chirring through the night.
Nesedo: Sheriff Valenti, welcome to the ever-burgeoning "I know an alien" club.
Maria: Yes, yes. You're trying to figure out how to be a leader. All right. Here's a little insight. JFK. He's not so great. Cheated on his wife with tramps. Ohhhh...now there's something you and Jack have in common. You're both involved with tramps. How is Tess, by the way?
Alex: Doesn't Buddhism disapprove of gambling?
Kyle: Actually Buddha himself first coined the phrase "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run"
Alex: And yours is obviously a deep and abiding spiritual faith.
Michael: Whoever sent us down here was smart, you know? Because they sent us together, and as long as we stick together, we're gonna make it.
Maria: The guy with the gun was kind of like a, like a muscular Beavis. And...the other one was like a, like a beefy Butthead.
Liz: [voice] It's September 24th, I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. But then the really amazing thing happened. I came to life.
Alex: Isabel Evans and Alex Charles Whitman out on a date? That's like, miraculous, you know, this is-this is the biggest moment of Alex Charles Whitman's life...
Liz: Listen, why don't you just take some deep breaths, okay?
Alex: It's just- it's amazing, you know, I-it's totally amazing, it's-it's too amazing- oh, God! It's a joke, isn't it? It's a practical joke. You two are in on it, you bastards...
Liz: Alex...Alex, Alex, ummm, your paranoid schizophrenia, it's kicking in.
Alex: Right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and go have a little talk with myself.
Liz: This can never be normal, Max.
Max: What's so great about normal?
Liz: The day you saved my life, your life just ended.
Max: No, that's the day my life began.
Tess: "Buddhism for Beginners" is also under your bed. How do you think the Buddha would feel about being sandwiched between Hustler and Busty Biker Babes?
Courtney: Chill out, NYPD blue.
Alex: Chill out? Chill out? I spent $150 to rent this costume. And do you have any idea how it feels to walk around all day with a thong up your ass?
Courtney: Yes!
Future Max: 3...2...1.
Liz: Well?
Future Max: I said approximately.
Max: Weather I die today or fifty years from now, my destiny is the same. It's you
Liz: [writing in journal] We try to live responsible logical lives, but we can't tell our hearts what to feel. Sometimes our hearts lead us to places we never thought we wanted to go, and sometimes our hearts can be the sweetest gentlest things we have. Sometimes our hearts can make us feel miserable anger, excited and confused all at once. But at least my heart is open, and I'm writing again. I'm feeling. I'm breathing.
Max: I'm not an actor.
Agent: What, and Keanu Reeves is? All you need is exposure.
Max: That's the last thing I need.
Liz: At least I've been to L.A.
Max: I'm not sure Disneyland counts as L.A.
Liz: Since I told her that you broke my heart -- without any of the alien details, of course -- she thinks that we should just take things slow. Just dinner, then straight home, no plans for future dates. No making out.
Max: So I suppose skinny dipping would be against the rules, too.
Maria: [To herself as she pulls up in the car] Why can't these aliens ever get in trouble somewhere decent? Like Graceland or Tahoe or New Orleans. No, Utah. Mormons and mountains.
Max: I don't know if I could live with myself if anything ever happened to you.
Liz: Max, you're an alien king. What could ever happen to me?
Maria: It's an aqua bra. You know, all the fun of implants without the invasive surgery part.
Liz: It's not that cold.
Maria: You're not wearing an ice bra.
Maria: How long is this going to last, us waiting out here like this?
Michael: Why? You got a date?
Maria: Maybe.
Isabel: You know, I'm the one that should be complaining stuck out here with you two.
Liz: Maybe you could stay for dinner. You know, Blue Moon burger, Saturn rings and a Mercury milkshake for $3.99.
Max: Sounds tempting.
Maria: Clear as a bell, no mistake, that's right. Miss Topolsky, all American guidance counselor and big, fat liar.
Michael: Never trust a blonde.
Michael: Stick a fork in us, Maxwell, we're done.
Max: Liz told him we were into drugs, just to get him to stop asking questions.
Isabel: Great. That will be a lot easier to explain to Mom and Dad.
Maria: If it isn't Prince Charming and Quasimodo.
Liz: Max likes cherry cola. What does Michael like?
Maria: Cherry cola with arsenic?
Max: You broke up? Why didn't you tell me?
Michael: I don't know if we did or we didn't. It's kind of confusing.
Liz: Cherry cola on the house
Maria: Yours is $1.25
Michael: "I guess it's not so confusing anymore.
Alex: Why on earth, excuse the phrase, why would you be sent here to begin with? What purpose could you possibly serve?
Isabel: To wipe out the world one annoying teenager at a time?
Isabel: We're just as human as you are, Alex. Only we can manipulate the molecular structure of things.
Alex: What?
Liz: How is it possible I could be the happiest I've ever been in my entire life and now the saddest, all at one time?
Max: I think that's what being in love is.
Max: [From under Alien head] Save me....I'm a human trapped in an alien body.
Isabel: You realize we've just lost our last shred of dignity.
Customer: I am Zenaplox from the planet Zetagon. I come to destroy humanity and return to my home planet.
Liz: Well, then, it's really great that you're starting out with a nice, hearty breakfast.
Max: Michael, I have to talk to you about something....personal
Michael: Nothing's too personal.
Max: How did you deal with Maria?
Michael: Too personal.
Max: You're the sheriff...you're supposed to protect me. You want me? Well, here I am!
Valenti: Son....
Max: Would you treat your son this way?"
Maria: Come on. Wiggle your nose, blink your eyes. Do your Samantha/Jeannie/alien thing.
Michael: I can't.
Maria: Why not? If there was ever a time to have a secret power, this is it.
Liz: We thought you were in trouble. I guess we were wrong.
Maria: No, no. You don't think, I mean that is like so unreal. Come on, [kicking Michael]
Maria: would you tell them?
Michael: Come on honey. We don't have to lie.
Isabel: I believe you. The day Michael calls anyone honey, it's all over.
Maria: You kidnap me and blow up my car and you expect me to spend the night with you in here?
Michael: Not exactly my fantasy evening either.
Isabel: [to Liz] Your favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla?!
Max: You are so full of it.
Michael: I just call it like I see it.
Max: You can't compare The Matrix to Crouching Tiger!
Michael: Crapping Tiger is a chick flick with kung-fu.
Max: First of all, Crappi... Crouching Tiger is actually about something. Love. Honor. Trust.
Michael: Matrix is about something. Illusion, reality, gunfire.
Max: You simply can't prefer Keanu Reeves to Michelle Yeoh. You can't........I won't let you.....
Michael: It's a bumper. For a Jetta.
Isabel: Hmmm. How did what I said yesterday result in this?
Michael: It meets all your criteria. It's personal, because I personally know what a bug she has up her ass about how much we screwed up her car. It's thoughtful, because I had to go to the junkyard and get it, and it's something she would never get herself for the obvious reason that her bumper's been hanging from a string for the past half-year.
Isabel: Ok, Michael. This is what I'm gonna do. I am going to take the Christmas dog show off my calendar and take you shopping and rectify this situation.
Michael: No. I'm not gonna get obsessed over this present. This is fine. I'm not gonna make everyone else around me miserable.
Isabel: What are you saying? That I get obsessed and make everyone around me miserable?
Michael: [quickly] I didn't say that.
Michael: [to Max] You have one of the top three pickup lines in history with "it's gunna help me find my home planet"
Michael: Look, Laurie, I know a lot of people think you're pretty crazy. But the truth is, knowing everything you've been through, you seem pretty normal to me. I just want you to know that whatever you are to me-- a sister, a cousin, whatever-- you're the only family I've ever known, and I just found you. I don't... I don't want to let you go. I know you're scared to death of me, but... if you could find some way to trust me... I mean, I got all kinds of faults. And this one over here, you know [gestures to Maria]
Michael: she can list them off for you if you want later on, but... the one thing I am is loyal. I will not turn my back on you. That's all I got to say. I don't know.
AMY: Do you think I wasn't seventeen once? Do you think I didn't do crazy, stupid things with a really bad boy when I was your age?
Back to 'All About Jason Behr' main page