Rated: G Humour

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, never did, really wanted to but never got around to putting in a bid. *sigh*

###***###***###

Chris Larabee, leader of Team 7 arrived home in the early hours of the morning. It had been a long day, with the team pulling off a relatively easy bust they had been working on for quite a while now. The other members of the group had gone out to celebrate while their leader tidied up the never-ending trail of paper work. Finally slipping out of his clothes, he slid into bed and went to sleep.

Suddenly the phone rang. Chris groggily searched around in the darkness for the bedside phone.

"Who the f..." he mumbled as he looked at the bedside clock. "3 a.m.!!"

Picking up the phone he growled instead, "Larabee ... this had better be good!"

"Chris!" came the voice on the other end of the phone.

"Tanner! Is that you? If this is one of your goddam jokes, I'm gonna....."

"Yes it's me, Vin, and no Chris this aint no joke. This is serious! I've been shot!"

"What?" Larabee was instantly awake now.

"I'm at the hospital. Can you come down here, J.D.'s pretty upset and..."

"What? J.D.? How's J.D. involved in this?"

"Well..... um ...... he kinda...... well, he shot me." said Tanner sheepishly.

"How the hell?!?! What do you mean, he shot you?"

"Um... it's kinda like this... this big hairy thing crawled out of my pants and...."

"Hang on Vin," Larabee's tone suddenly took on a 'you better be joking' edge to it.

"Aw Chris, I didn't know the kid was scared of Huntsmen spiders, so I decided to play a little joke .... and..... OW!! Quit that ...."

"What's going on?"

"Oh, they're stitching up my butt.... anyway, I told the kid to get it off and....."

"Don't tell me," sighed Chris.

"How was I supposed to know he'd actually pull out his gun and shoot it. Shit Chris, that huntsmen is scattered halfway between my backside and Texas!" exclaimed Vin.

"So the kid shot the spider off your ass."

"Yep, actually it wasn't a bad shot, only grazed one of my cheeks and...."

"Vin," Chris sighed, "Where's J.D. now?"

"I'm on my way." The leader said wearily as he hung up the phone. He heard a muffled 'Thanks pard' as he lowered the phone down.

OoooOOOOOOOoooo

Arriving an hour later at the hospital, Larabee went into the emergency area. A pretty young nurse smiled as he approached the reception.

"You're Mr. Larabee?" she asked politely.

"Yes ma'am."

"We've been expecting you. Mr. Tanner is this way." She gestured to the large doors on the right. As the doors swung open, Larabee was confronted by two very tanned ass cheeks seemingly staring back at him. As he approached the bed, he could hear giggling coming from the other side of the curtains.

"Vin" he said. "C'mon let's get out of here."

"Chris!" Tanner cried. "Gee I'm glad you're here. Get me outta here!"

"What's the matter with you? It aint like you've never been shot before. From what I can see," he said looking down at the still exposed butt, "it's only a flesh wound."

"I know Chris!" the sharpshooter said sadly. "But tell me pard, since when do the nurses take photos of a flesh wound?"

"Photos?" The man in black looked confused.

"Yeah, I've had about five of the nurses come in here and say they have to take a picture of my butt.... for medical purposes. Then they start this ... giggling and rush out!"

"Well.." said Larabee trying to look serious "I'm sure if they say it's for medical purposes..." he continued trying to stop himself from laughing, 'then it's for medical purposes."

"Shit Chris.. they're like vultures." The Texan said sadly.

"Here, put this on." The blonde agent threw Vin's jacket and boots to him. "I'll go find J.D."

"Hey Chris, what about my pants?"

"Just put on the what I gave you .... and leave on the surgical gown." Larabee said over his shoulder as he disappeared through the swinging doors.

"But Chris!" yelled Tanner after him. "Hey.... Chris....!!"

Larabee was sure he heard 'Bastard' following his name as he left.

ooooOOOOOOOoooo

The man in black found his youngest agent sitting in the waiting room. Dunne sprung to his feet nervously as his boss approached.

"Ah.... Chris.... Um..... well...." The young agent stammered. "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" he cried finally. "I didn't mean to.... I mean.... I was aiming for...... it just seemed to...... Hell, at least the spider is dead!!!"

Larabee stood silently staring at the younger man.

"Chris, aren't you gonna say something??" asked Dunne.

Still there was silence. The kid was starting to feel very, very afraid.

"Chris? It was an accident.... I know I shouldn't have shot him.... But ..... the spider....."

"J.D." Larabee said finally "Go home."

"But Chris I want to explain... it all happened...."

"Kid, I'm warning you... GO...HOME!"

Dunne blinked "Sure thing Chris... I'll go." He said as he slowly inched his way toward the exit. "I'll check in on Vin in the morning." He continued as he finally reached the doors. Larabee continued to glare at the young agent. "I'll be in the office early in the morning Chris." He said as he turned and raced through the exit.

Seeing the man disappear, Chris finally allowed himself a brief smile.

"Chris, I'm ready to go."

Larabee turned to find the sharpshooter standing in front of him. He was quite a sight. He wore his long brown boots and his buckskin jacket over a bright pink 3/4 length surgical gown. Tanner clutched the back of the gown trying to keep it together. Behind him stood 4 nurses, their hands over their mouths, giggling and talking quietly to each other.

"Pard," Vin whispered as he leaned in next to Larabee's ear. "Can we get out of here. This aint a safe place for a man with a butt injury."

The blonde agent looked incredulously at the younger man. 'This aint a safe place for a man with a butt injury?' Had the whole world gone mad?' he thought. Shaking his head he headed toward the exit.

"Hey!" called Tanner after him. "Hold up, I can't walk that fast with these stitches! Hey Chris!" he continued as he walked past the group of smiling ladies. Nodding his head toward them he smiled in return and backed out of the door. "Ow, shit.. can't go backside first for awhile.... Hey!! .....Chris..... wait!!!"

ooooOOOOOOOoooo

The leader of Team 7 arrived at the office a little later than usual. Walking into the room he was greeted by all but one of his little group. Even Standish was at his desk seemingly working away. Without looking up he commanded "J.D. my office, now!"

The young agent put his pen on the desk and stood up, slowly walking toward the office. Looking at the other four agents, he sadly entered the small room.

"Close the door and sit down." Said Larabee without looking up. He leaned back in his seat and put his hands behind his head. Sighing, he looked at the young agent sitting nervously at the desk in front of him.

"Alright J.D., from the beginning."

"Well we had that big bust yesterday...."

"J.D." warned Chris. "I aint in the mood. Now.... You know what I'm talking about."

Dunne coughed and moved uncomfortably in his seat. "O.k. ... I took Vin back to his place after the celebration last night. He'd left his car here, so anyway, we went back to his place. He wanted to get changed before we met Buck and the others at Inez's.."

"I'm waiting." Said Chris impatiently.

"We were sitting on the sofa and this big hairy thing came crawling out of his pants."

Josiah, Buck and Nathan had gathered at the door to Chris' office.

"What did he just say?" asked Josiah.

"Something about Vin and something hairy in his pants." Replied Buck.

"Oh good lord!" exclaimed Ezra hurrying over to the door.

"Chris," continued Dunne. "I aint never, in all my life, seen one that big before. It scared the shit out of me."

Josiah and Buck's jaws dropped. All four agents leaning against the closed door stared at each other.

"Go on" managed Chris trying desperately to keep a straight face.

"I got such a shock, all I could think about was what if I got bitten by it." J.D. said sadly.

Chris stood up and walked over to the window. Turning away from the young agent he feigned a cough, trying not to burst into laughter.

"J.D." the blonde agent started. "These creatures have a mind of their own. You never can tell when they'll just appear."

Josiah and Buck along with Ezra and Nathan looked to one another, then sadly looked to a certain part of their male anatomy.

"Never a truer word." Sighed Buck.

"Yep, no rhyme or reason." Added Nathan.

"Ah yes, definitely a mind of it's own." Ezra said shaking his head.

"Adam and Eve can sure vouch for that." Josiah said sadly.

"Look J.D., next time something like that jumps out at you, try using your gun as a last resort. Spending the early hours of the morning in a hospital while one of my agents gets stitches put in him, is not my idea of fun."

The four men leaning on the door winced at the mention of stitches.

"Sorry Chris." J.D. said earnestly. "It won't happen again. I'll try putting something over it next time."

"Alright J.D. that'll be all for now."

The door to Larabee's office was opened and four agents were sent sprawling across the floor at the feet of the leader.

"Looking for something boys?" asked Chris.

"Ah, Mr. Larabee, we...... uh that is to say.... I was cleaning the door handle for you. You know, adding a little spit and polish to the place." Said Ezra.

"Ah yeah pard, we were.... uh... supervising Ezra's work." Added Buck proudly.

"SHIT!" All six men looked up to see Vin Tanner entering the office. "Damn, the elevator's being serviced and I had to walk up three flights of stairs." He grumbled as he gingerly limped over to his desk. Carefully he lowered himself into his chair.

"What happened to you Mr. Tanner?" asked Standish.

"Nuthin'" said the sharpshooter looking toward the youngest member of the group. "I don't wanna talk about it."

Just then the phone rang, and Ezra answered it.

"Vin, J.D." said Chris. "You better get a move on, you've got that stake-out to go to today."

The other phone rang and Buck answered that.

"CHRIS!" cried Vin. "You can't be serious. I can't sit in a car all day like this!"

"You should have thought of that last night, before...." Larabee trailed off.

"Aw c'mon Chris, give me a break!"

"Move your mangy hide Tanner." Commanded their leader.

"Oh Mr. Tanner," interrupted Ezra. "That was a Katie Richards on the phone. It appears she was one of the nurses who worked on your little mishap this morning. She was wondering if you could give her a call. She said something about a picture and getting it autographed.

"Shit"

"Vin." Said Buck. "That was another nurse from the hospital.....she wants her picture autographed too."

The phone rang again.

"Shit." Exclaimed Tanner again. Then turning to the now laughing Larabee said "See... I told you that place wasn't safe. Should've known you don't take five pictures of the one injury." He mumbled.

"Vin, I think the safest place for you right now is on that stake-out." laughed Chris.

Tanner tentatively raised himself out of his seat. Walking around to the front of his desk he picked up a magazine and rolled it up. Handing it to J.D. he said. "Next time you see something crawl out of m' pants, trying hitting it with this will y'."

The two youngest agents headed for the door, muffled "I'm sorry's" and "Shit that hurts" could be heard as they made their way down the corridor.

The remaining four agents turned as one to their leader.

"Don't ask." Laughed Chris openly now. "You don't want to know."

The End.