Rating: PG

Feedback: jenny_aust@yahoo.com.au

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It had been a long day at the office for Larabee’s team. Their latest arrest had gone down reasonably well and now they were tidying up the endless paper work associated with it.

J.D. as usual was the first to complete his report, being more adept at the computer than the rest and was quietly skimming through some internet sites while he waited for the others to finish up.

He suddenly came across a site with a familiar sounding heading ‘Larabee – A Head of the Rest’.

The young agent frowned. What could a site with a title like that have on it? He was soon to find out. Suddenly on the screen in front of him appeared Chris Larabee. A completely…….. utterly naked Chris Larabee, lounging across the back of a big black Harley Davidson, wearing nothing but an open black leather jacket.

Dunne gasped, then looking up searched the faces of the other agents. Seeing that they were otherwise occupied, he stared at the screen once again, his eyes wide with horror. "Shit!" he exclaimed before he realised what he had said.

"You say somethin’ Kid?" said Vin.

"Uh… no I…. That is…. No…. I… um…. No." he stammered looking back and forth between the computer and the other five men.

"What’s the matter J.D.?" asked Josiah.

"I.. oh… there’s just… nothing."

The young agent leant forward to cover the screen of his computer, knocking over his cup of hot coffee.

"Goddammit!" he cried leaping from his seat. "Shit.. shit, shit"

"What’s the matter with you boy?" asked Buck angrily. "You’re more nervous than a virgin on her weddin’ night."

"Umm…. Oh… I…" began Dunne trying to clean up the mess surrounding him. "Buck… I need you to come and see something…."

"What do you want kid?" Wilmington began. "Can’t you see I’m busy."

"Buck … you really need to see this…"

The big man stood and stepped toward J.D.’s desk. "Unless you’ve got some gorgeous naked women on that there screen of yours I don’t……." Wilmington’s jaw dropped open. "Is that? ….. no" he continued shaking his head, "of course that’s not…. OH… MY…. GAWD!…. it is…."

"It is, isn’t it?" continued Dunne fear clearly evident on the young man’s face now.

Buck turned his head one way and then the other. "It IS! But I’ve never seen IT like that before."

By this time the other agents had gathered around Dunne’s desk. There was a long silence, each man taking in the picture before him. Suddenly realisation hit them.

"Shit Buck, what are we gonna do?" asked J.D.

"What do you mean?" asked the big man. "We tell Chris."

"Are you kidding?" asked Standish "Mr. Larabee is going to kill us all."

"Maybe we could tell him after we get his gun off him." Suggested Nathan.

"Hell hath no fury like a women scorned or an ATF leader found naked on the internet." Frowned Josiah.

"Actually," commented Ezra. "The picture is a very flattering portrait of our leader. Why, I don’t remember IT looking so… so…. voluptuous before."

"Well Ezra, I didn’t know you were paying that much attention." Said the Sharpshooter

"In our line of business Mr. Tanner, we must always take in the finer details of the people around us." He smirked.

"We’re all dead." Declared Dunne.

"Yep, when Chris sees this he’s gonna kill us." Stated Buck shaking his head.

"But we didn’t do it!" said Nathan, fear evident in his voice. "Did we?" he continued looking at the youngest of their group.

"HEY!" Dunne cried. "Don’t look at me, I didn’t do it."

"I know." Declared Ezra suddenly. "We shoot J.D………. as a distraction of course."

"Why me!" J.D. cried. "Why do I have to get shot… he’s closer to Vin."

"That’s right!" said Josiah and Buck in unison. "O.K. Plan B then, we shoot Vin and while Chris takes him to the hospital, we can get this off the internet."

"Wait a minute. You aint gonna shoot me!"

"Oh don’t be a baby. Nathan’ll do it somewhere where it won’t kill ya." Stated Wilmington. "Besides, would you rather be shot or face Chris when he sees this?"

"Good point." Agreed Tanner.

"What about it Nate… where do we do it?" asked Josiah.

Just then the door to Chris Larabee’s office opened and the man in question walked out.

"What are you boys up to?" he asked.

"Uh… nuthin’." Nathan said.

"You find something interesting on the computer J.D.?" the black clad man asked.

"Me?? …. No, not me…. I wasn’t looking on the internet …. I mean… I wasn’t….. no." Dunne said finally.

Larabee approached the desk. The other men were leaning on various angles trying to cover the screen.

"Alright, what’s going on?"

Just then the phone rang.

"Someone going to get that?" The leader asked.

"Why don’t you Chris.. it’s probably for you anyway." Smiled Nathan nervously. All six men had taken up various poses and postures encircling J.D.’s desk. Larabee frowned. Pausing slightly he turned and walked back into his office to answer the phone.

"Quick." Whispered Nathan, "Give me your gun."

"Oh shit Nathan… not the ‘shoot Vin’ scenario again." Groaned Tanner.

They began arguing amongst themselves, when suddenly Ezra interrupted.

"Excuse me gentlemen, but I think you should see this." He stated, a mischievous smile crossing his face.

The other five turned to see….. Josiah Sanchez smiling contently at them, hands behind his head and IT seemingly standing up and smiling at the camera under the heading ‘Come Hell and High Water.’

"Oh Holy Mother of….." Sanchez began. "That’s not me… but that’s …. that’s ….. me!" he stammered peering in closer at the screen.

"Hey J.D. look up Wilmington." Asked Vin.

Sure enough there was the ladies man, holding a red rose, a box of chocolates and IT. The page was titled "Do You Want a Good Buck?" Buck stared at the screen before him….. and stared… and squinted…. and frowned. Finally he said "That aint mine!"

"What?" asked Nathan.

"I’m tellin’ y’all. IT…. IT aint…. you know…. That’s somebody else’s"

"Now, now Mr. Wilmington..I realise that you hold IT in very high regard and seeing that IT is rather inadequate compared to Mr. Larabee’s…. well that would be rather depressing for you…."

"Hey Ezra!" interrupted J.D. "Think you might want to see the ‘Standish’ page. It’s titled ‘Standish… Stud or Poker."

"What!" the well dressed agent turned shocked eyes to the screen to see himself smiling broadly lying on his back across the hood of a Ferrari F50 with IT pointing skyward.

"Well Ezra.." said Wilmington smugly. "Must have been a cold day when that shot was taken." Then turning to Jackson asked "What shade of blue would you call that Nathan?"

"I think that’s deemed a pale sky blue, Buck." the ex-medic laughed.

"I find it pretty hard to tell myself, what with such a small area to judge it by."

Standish glared at the other men.

"Here." offered Tanner trying not to laugh. "Take my binoculars and tell us if that’s yours Ezra."

"Oh Mr. Tanner, your wit is truly outstanding today. Mr. Dunne, why don’t you look up the Tanner page."

J.D. deftly keyed in the search for Tanner. He came across a page titled ‘Tanner Au Naturale’. On opening the page the agents were confronted by one tanned naked sharpshooter stretched out sunning himself on a large rock at the side of a small lake. His blue eyes were staring brightly at the camera and so was another certain part of his anatomy. IT was a very impressive picture indeed.

Vin smiled and, looking at the others said softly "Don’t mind if I do."

"Smart Ass." Declared Buck. "’sides someone doctored m’ picture. I aint never been that small… even when I was born I was bigger than that."

"Well." Sighed Ezra. "There’s five down, two to go…. Mr. Dunne or Mr. Jackson next?"

Ezra shoved J.D. away from the desk now. Taking over the keyboard he typed in Dunne. The heading appeared first…."Have you been Dunne yet?" then J.D. appeared lying on a bear skin rug, bib around his neck, teddy bear in hand and IT just lying there. Dunne blushed. "Shit… damn…. Damn… shit…" he swore. "I’ve never been so embarrassed in all my life…"

"Hey J.D., that’s not you right?" asked Josiah. "right?"

"Hell no Josiah. That aint me, but no-one else is gonna know that." He said sadly.

"Alright then, last but not least, Mr. Jackson."

The screen went blue then IT appeared. At first they thought it was a close up, then they realised that it wasn’t. There was stunned silence, every man transfixed on the page before him. The title read. "Who says Size doesn’t Count?"

Buck looked at Nathan, then looked at the screen then looked back at Nathan. Standish just shook his head and looked at Nathan. Josiah stood with his mouth open then looked at Nathan. Tanner swore openly.. loudly..and looked at Nathan, and J.D…… well…. He just stared, open mouthed, at Nathan.

"You aint gonna hear any complaints from here." Jackson said holding up both hands and smiling broadly. "I’m happy to take IT."

Just then Chris appeared from his office.

"J.D." he commanded. "Get onto the internet. That was Judge Travis, apparently there is some sort of pornographic site going around with some agents on it posing nude."

"ATF agents." Added Buck quietly.

"What?" asked Larabee

"Oh SHIT!" cried Tanner. Then he leant into Jackson standing next to him and whispered. "Do y’ think it’s too late to grab the gun and shoot me?"

The black clad man had swiftly made his way to the computer terminal on the nearest desk. Pulling up the chair he began searching through the sites. Suddenly his eyes narrowed and he stared at the screen.

"Oh oh… it’s about the blow." Muttered Standish.

"What the hell!" Larabee exploded. Looking up at his agents he asked. "How long have you known about this?"

"Just now…. We only found it just now… we were going to tell you." Stammered J.D.

"Yeah." Whispered Ezra, his head lowered "But we had to shoot Vin first."

There was a knock on the door. Josiah walked over to answer it. Opening the door he was bombarded with cameras and reporters.

"We’d like a word with Agent Larabee." They asked all at once.

"Have you got a comment about the ATF site being the most visited site on record?’

"How much were you paid to pose for these pictures?’

"Does it compromise your work as agents?"

Then a feminine voice came from the back of the group "Can you sign my copy of the picture."

"Me too!"

"Yeah I want mine signed too."

"I love you Vin!" cried one girl.

"Marry me Chris!" called another.

The crowd of people began to push toward the door. Sanchez used all his strength to push it closed.

The black clad man rubbed at the pain behind his eyes. "I take it that everybody knows about it now." He sighed.

"Seems so." Smiled Tanner.

"What are you smiling about Vin, this aint funny." Larabee groused.

"Well…I was just looking at the sites again…"

"Vin…" warned Chris.

"And it appears that you have had some 977,000 hits in the last 24 hours. And…" the sharpshooter continued. "you’ve got a fan club."

"Wow!" exclaimed Dunne. "That’s amazing!" Then seeing the look from his leader, he coughed and added "I mean…. that’s…. that’s terrible."

The phone rang suddenly. Josiah answered it and after a few seconds announced that it was from Maude Standish. Ezra groaned and took the phone from Sanchez.

"Good Lord Ezra, what have you done?" Maude cried.

"I haven’t done anything!"

"Turn on the T.V. Ezra, you and your friends are on." Standish signalled for the television to be switched on and there, on the screen was the picture of Larabee followed, one by one, by the other agents. There faces were there but IT was blurred out of the image.

There was silence in the room. Each man speechless, each man standing with his mouth open.

"Ezra!… Ezra… darlin’ are you still there?" asked Maude on the other end of the line.

"Yes Mother… I’m still here." replied Standish still staring at the T.V.

"Oh, Ezra darlin’, Aunt Mimi wants you to autograph the copy she printed out."

"Mother!"

"Oh calm down now my baby boy, it’s not for her …. it’s for the Senior Citizens Club she attends. They want to put it up in the Ladies Room." Maude added. Ezra groaned and hung up the phone.

"What are we gonna do Chris?" asked Buck.

"Nathan, J.D. get onto the computer tech’s downstairs. See what they can do to pull the site." Commanded the man in black. "Josiah, Buck get rid of the reporters."

"Sure thing Chris, we’re on it."

"I said now Buck." Larabee turned to see Wilmington still staring at the screen, the vision of the big man staring back at him.

"I swear Chris that aint me." he began pointing at IT. "Look… go on take a look… you can tell it aint me." he whined.

"Reckon they’ve been a mite generous Buck?" jibbed Tanner.

Wilmington swiped at the other man. "Laugh on Tanner," he began. "Laugh on."

"BUCK!" warned the man in black.

\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/

Three hours later found the agents gathered in their office. As expected the computer experts at the ATF were able to clear the site. Larabee was handed the report and was reading through it. They had found that two ladies working in the dispatch area had made up the pictures for themselves but they had then been distributed through the internet. The culprits were duly warned not to do it again and sent on their way.

"Well Chris, what’s it say?" asked Josiah.

"Mmmmm…. Apparently all the pictures were composites made up of our heads skilfully merged onto the bodies of porn stars…" He said.

"At least it’s over." Sighed Dunne.

"Hang on J.D. you didn’t let me finish." Continued Larabee.

"Is there more?" asked Buck.

"As I was about to say…. Apparently all of the pictures…" he paused looking at each of his men in turn. "Except one."

"Which one?" asked Ezra.

"C’mon Chris which one?" asked J.D.

Chris smiled mischievously. "That boys, is classified information."

"Aw you’ve got to be joking!" cried Nathan.

"Nope." He winked. "You men can work it out for yourselves."

"Just a hint." Cried Vin.

Chris’ eyes narrowed. He nodded to the tracker and started to enter his office as the phone rang. "Get that would you Ezra."

Buck and Josiah tried to snatch the paper from the man in black. "I don’t think so." Larabee warned.

The by play was interrupted by Standish. "Um ….That was the Harvey Publishing Company, they want to know if we’d be interested in doing an ATF calendar?"

"Tell them to go to Hell!’ growled Larabee.

"Chris…. CHRIS!!" Vin cried, fear clearly evident in his voice.

"What?" replied Larabee.

"Chris, you better come see this."

The man in black walked up to the computer screen on Tanner’s desk. There in full colour was…. Orrin Travis…. Lying on a four poster bed…. Gavel in hand….. Naked.

"Shit!" exploded Larabee. "Alright everybody, Plan B."

"What was plan B again?" asked Buck.

"We shoot Vin."

"Oh no." the sharpshooter groaned. "Here we go again."

The End.