Rating: PG

Author: The Muse 77

Feedback: jenny_aust@yahoo.com.au

Chris walked into the office and dropped a brown paper wrapped package on the desks in front of Ezra, Buck and J.D.

Ezra looked up at the man in black, as he felt the bundle. "May I assume Mr. Larabee, that you have not taken a secondary form of employment with the postal service to supplement your meagre wage from the Government."

"Nope."

"What are these Chris?" Buck was as curious as the others. And more so now that only three of them had been given the parcels.

"They’re your… uh…. uniforms…." Larabee continued with a mischievous glint in his eye "…. For your new assignment."

J.D. began to worry. There was something decidedly unsettling about the way Chris was smiling at the three of them. "New assignment?" he asked cautiously.

"You’re going undercover at ‘The Desert’ nightclub."

"Hey Chris." Vin smiled, joining in on the game. "Isn’t that the gay bar?"

"Hang on there pard." Cried the ladies man, "I aint going in as a… a… gay man!"

Chris walked over and placed his hands on the big man’s shoulders. "No Buck you’re not going in as a gay man." He soothed rubbing gently at the now tense muscles. "You and Ezra and J.D. are going in as ‘transvestites’… entertainers."

"Aw hell!" J.D groaned. "Shit, hell, damn…. Shit!"

In the far corner on the room Standish face broke into a wide grin as he lifted an elegant purple velvet evening gown laced with feathers and pearls from his now opened parcel.

"Excellent taste Mr. Larabee, I do believe purple is my best colour." The conman stood and delicately placed the dress against the front of his body. "And it appears, a perfect fit too."

"Oh shit!"

The others turned to see their youngest member pale visibly as he lifted a white, low back, diamente ¾ length silk dress with shoe lace straps.

"I aint…. I can’t… OH SHIT!!!" he said and sank back into his chair.

"Buck, what do you have?" Josiah asked casually.

"I’ll look at it later."

"Oh come on, don’t be so shy. We all want to see." Vin said as he reached for the brown bundle sitting in front of Buck.

"PISS OFF!!" Wilmington replied swatting at the Texan’s hands.

"Buck." warned Larabee.

"Alright, get it over with…. Have your little laugh at ol Buck’s expense. Open it." He sighed and leaned back in his seat.

Quickly unravelling the package, Vin carefully lifted a long flowing black gown from the paper placing it delicately across the desk.

"Oh no…" Buck chuckled nervously. "No Way! I aint… uh uh… absolutely no…. what size is it?"

Josiah lifted the costume and held it up. "Nice, elegant, suits you Buck. Oh.. and my, my that split up the back is WAY up the back isn’t brother Nathan?"

"Most definitely Josiah. Just as well you got long legs Buck otherwise you’d be showing your a……."

"OHHHH SHIT!!" Wilmington groaned.

"One more thing Buck." said Chris.

"What, you gonna shoot me, stab me, might as well." He said defeatedly.

"Nope, the moustache has to go."

"NOPE!" the ladies man said obstinately. "NO WAY, NO HOW.. NOT IN THIS LIFETIME."

"Vin, looks like we’re gonna have to hog tie him down."

"Yep, want me to get the ropes, or you wanna use telephone wire."

"Maybe telephone wire, no need for you to go out to the car."

"Yep, would be quicker. Now, you gonna hold him down or you want me to hit him first."

"I figure I can hold him down. You get the bowie knife."

"SHIT!! Aint touchin me with no knife!" cried Buck.

"But Buck, I just had it sharpened, and I aint used it in a long time. Hell, I even cleaned off the blood stains from the last man I skinned."

"You keep away from me Tanner. I aint lettin you touch me with anythin sharper than a pillow."

"Well, pard, we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way. But you gotta know we aim to take that lump a hair that’s taken up residence across your upper lip off one way or another." Chris said with finality.

"Fine! I’ll do it myself." The ladies man stood dejectedly and left the room.

"Chris, ah… if Buck and Ezra and me are doing this ‘entertaining’ stuff, what are the rest of you doing?"

"Vin and I are going in as your stage managers. Josiah is handling lighting…"

"lighting… ah hell!"

"…and Nathan will be looking after the music."

"No. Please. Why can’t I do something else.?" Dunne cried, almost pleadingly.

Sanchez rested a hand on the young man’s shoulder. "Think of it as a learning experience John Dunne. Something to put on your resume."

Josiah’s deep rumbling laughter was joined by the others as they left Dunne in the outer office.

"You go in in the morning Ezra. J.D., let Buck know." Larabee threw over his shoulder as he disappeared into his office.

Dunne leaned over and looked at Ezra. Standish had remained silent through the entire exchange with the others.

"Ezra, you aint said nothing about this so far." J.D. said.

"Young man, I have no objections to flaunting my many talents," he began as he straightened his jacket. "I, unlike yourself and Mr. Wilmington, are quite looking forward to ‘strutting my stuff’ as they say, on the stage."

"You done this before Ez.?"

"Once or twice Mr. Dunne, " Ezra’s gold tooth sparkled through his impish grin, "once or twice. I do believe this will not be as much of a stretch for me as it is going to be for the two of you."

Dunne sat, open mouthed, as the Southerner gathered his costume and left the office.

"See you in the morning J.D."

"Where are they?" Chris hissed impatiently.

Chris, Josiah, Vin and Nathan had gathered at the club as planned at 10.00 a.m., but it was now 10.20 and still there was no sign of the other agents. Suddenly, a long black stretch limousine pulled up at the front entrance. The driver raced from his seat and hurried around to open the rear door. First one long, slender leg wearing stiletto’s appeared then another joined it. The tall, elegant passenger pulled herself … uh… himself out of the car and peered around.

Four ATF agents stood together. Mouths open. Eyes wide and staring.

"Oh my God!"

"Shit!"

"Is that?"

"Can’t be!"

"Oh shit!"

"SHIT!"

"Well you boys gonna just stare" Buck began, straightening his padded bra and wiping the long strands of hair from his wig out of his face, "or you gonna help a girl out?"

"I, sure… I mean…. sure." Was all Vin could say.

"Well Honey," Buck continued in a silky voice. "There’s a younger one inside. Might be more your style." He stepped forward unsteadily and grasped onto Larabee’s arm. "I’m going with this hunk a man."

"Buck." Chris warned.

"Hey Honey, don’t be shy. Not like you haven’t done this before."

"Buck" Larabee hissed more vehemently

The ladies man ignored the rising anger in his friend and clasped the black clad arm firmly. "Now Stud. I aint goin’ down alone." He cooed and led the ATF leader inside.

Next to appear was Ezra. The flashy agent sent out one elegant gloved hand to Tanner, who was still standing stunned at the car door.

"Mr. Tanner." Standish said in a feminine voice. "You may take my hand and help me from the car, dear sir."

The Texan frowned, then blinked rapidly. "Me? Oh yeah… sure Ez.."

"And may I say Mr. Tanner, you are looking extremely tempting for such an early hour of the day."

"Ezra? You taking drugs or somethin?"

Standish giggled and placed a handkerchief across his mouth. "Silly man," he whispered and leant forward placing a gently kiss on the trackers cheek as he grasped a handful of ass and squeezed teasingly.

Vin’s face reddened with embarrassment. "Ezra," he hissed "remember that Bowie knife I was talkin’ to Buck about?"

The Southerner stared at Tanner.

"Well pard, guess what I got in m’ pocket… and no…. I aint happy to see y. You do that again and I’m gonna make it so’s you always talk in that high voice."

"I understand perfectly Mr. Tanner." Standish coughed, straightened himself and followed Vin into the Club.

Josiah and Nathan looked to one another then peered into the darken rear of the car.

"J.D., you in there?" called Jackson.

"I aint coming out!"

"Aw c’mon J.D., the others did it."

"But I don’t want to." The young agent cried.

"I bet you look good J.D., come on … let us see."

Slowly, cautiously, a white satin slipper appeared out the door. Followed by a fish net covered leg. Next, out popped a head… no… people, minds out of the gutter please… J.D.’s head, the one on his neck… geesh. Josiah gasped, Nathan smiled knowingly. There before them stood J.D. Dunne, head to toe in white, with long waist length dark hair.

"Anyone laughs and I’m outta here." the young agent said.

"No.. no-one’s laughing… I mean, you look… you look beautiful." Admired Josiah.

"Alright, that’s it…I’m going." Dunne made to return to the back seat of the limousine, but before he could Sanchez reached over and guided the young agent towards himself and Nathan. J.D. legs bowed out as he collapsed off his high heels forcing him to stumble and fall into their arms.

"Shit, damn high heel shoes." He cursed and straightened his dress.

Re-arranging his artificial cleavage, he straightened up and looked at Jackson and Sanchez. "Does my hair look alright… damn… if I’ve smudged my lipstick Ezra’ll kill me." The young agent said as he bent down and squinted into the side mirror of the car.

The two older agents just stared, and stared, and stared. Then looking to each other they turned and stared again at the sight before them.

"Don’t just stand there. Are you taking me inside or not." Growled Dunne.

Josiah was the first to react. "Most certainly Miss.. I mean.. J.D. Sure."

(o) (o) (o) (o)

Once inside the Night Club, the ‘entertainers’ were led to the back dressing room. They entered to find the costumes laid out for them across the luxurious sofas and coffee tables.

"We’ll leave you to it then." Declared Chris.

Buck looked quizzically at his leader. "What for?"

"You’ve got to get changed. You’ve got rehearsal in 30 minutes."

Buck and J.D. looked horrified. "What rehearsal?" the said in unison.

"Shit, knew I forgot something." Winked Chris. "You have to do a routine, for the show tonight."

"Uh uh, noooooo… out of the question. Aw c’mon Chris, it’s bad enough we had to put this crap on to come down here. Now we got to ‘entertain’ as well!" Buck cried.

Larabee and Tanner walked to the door smiling.

"We’re going down to join Josiah and Nathan. Gotta get the lighting just right." Smiled Vin.

"Be there in 30 minutes. The three of you!"

Vin and Chris laughed as they heard the myriad of curses coming from behind the closed door.

"This is gonna be fun." Smirked Tanner.

"You better believe it." Agreed Larabee.

"Hell, we better get changed." Said Buck defeatedly.

"Hey Ezra, how come you aint putting up a fight about all this?" asked Dunne.

"I am a consummate professional Mr. Dunne, you’ve got to learn to go with the flow."

"I’ll show you the flow Ezra."

"Now, now Mr. Wilmington, you’re wasting time. And may I say, you will need to get started if you intend to be ready on time."

25 minutes later found Buck still sitting on the floor in the dressing room. The ladies man had been unable to master the art of pulling on a pair of pantyhose. The offending piece of clothing had found various angles and positions on the man’s body, none of which were where they had to ultimately end up.

"Hell Ezra, these things are a hell of a lot easier getting off a body than pulling on." He offered in exasperation.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door

"What’s taking so long?" yelled an irate Chris Larabee.

"The pantyhose are winning the fight against Mr. Wilmington. I’m afraid he is down for the final count."

"Well don’t wear them then." The man in black ordered.

"Hell Chris, my legs are too pale. I aint going out there with you being so inexperienced in lighting."

"That’s the old college spirit Mr. Wilmington." Cheered Standish.

"I’ll spirit you Ezra." Buck growled as he wrestled once again with the thin layer of nylon landing with a thud on his back.

"My, my are we having a hissy fit?" Ezra’s question was immediately answered by the winded sound of an airborne handbag as it sailed past his head.

"Shit Buck, you put a hole in them." Dunne said.

"Damn! J.D. throw me another pair….. no the black ones." Demanded the ladies man.

"No way Buck, Ezra says.." the young agent nodded at the Southerner "…you should go with the beige. It suits your complexion."

After a few more struggles and grunts, Buck finally managed to pull the stockings up and over his hips. He pulled and tucked at the front of the nylon torture device but couldn’t seem to get comfortable.

"What seems to be the problem?" Ezra had noticed the jostling being done by the other man.

"GET THE HELL OUT HERE!" The man in black yelled once again through the closed door.

"Nearly there Mr. Larabee. Nearly there." Then, turning back to the still struggling agent continued, "Now Buck, the problem is?"

"Tell me Ezra, where do you put the seam?"

"The seam?" Ezra was confused, while J.D. put his hand over his mouth to hide his laughter.

Wilmington leant in closer to the smaller man. "You know …. In the middle.. to the side…. The seam!"

"Oh… the family jewels… I see." The Southerner paused for a moment resting his hand on his ‘smooth as silk’ chin. "I would suggest the ‘lift and separate’ position can become uncomfortable. So I recommend you put it to one side."

"Like this?" asked Wilmington re-positioning his… well his.

"No, more like this." Ezra said and reached in to rearrange the .. um.. arrangement.

Just then Chris, not being able to wait any longer, burst through the door. "Get your worthless hides out here this……" He was greeted by the sight of Ezra kneeling down in front of Buck, groping, or re-positioning certain parts of the ladies man’s anatomy. The blond began backing out of the room. "I think I’ll wait outside." He began lifting his arms in the air. "You come out when you’re ready."

Buck turned to scowl at J.D. who was laughing from the side of the room.

"What are you laughing at?"

Dunne laughed loudly now. "There’s never a camera handy when you need one!" he chuckled.

"Don’t worry son, your turn will come."

(o) (o) (o) (o)

Finally, after much jostling and re-arranging the three men appeared from the dressing room. J.D. clad in fish net stockings, high heels, short black leather skirt and red blouse. Ezra, was wearing a white jewel encrusted jump suit, and Buck in a pair of tight shorts, brown leather vest, oh… and beige pantyhose.

Vin sniggered, Chris smiled mischievously, Josiah and Nathan just shook their heads and hid behind their spotlights.

"Ready boys?" the leader shouted.

"We are ready to perform Mr. Larabee." Standish floated past the others and up onto the stage. "Coming Mr. Dunne, Mr. Wilmington?"

"Most certainly Ezra." Dunne said with a swish of his black leather skirt. Buck shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something that was better off undistinguishable.

"Mr Tanner, if you would be so kind as to put that CD on for me. Track 4."

"Certainly Ezra." Tanner said trying as hard as he could not to burst into an uncontrollable laughing fit.

Suddenly the lights went down, then as the music started, a spotlight burst onto the stage lighting up the three agents, and they began to sing along with the CD.

"Mama Mia, here I go again.. my, my, how can I resist you." Floated up through the rafters. Ezra, Buck and J.D. turned, first one way, then the other, moving gracefully around each other and strutting along the stage as if born to it.

When they had finished, the three men, heads held high, swept down from the stage and brushed past their counterparts, disappearing once again into the dressing rooms.

"Did you just see that?" a stunned Vin Tanner managed to say.

"I did and I still don’t believe I did." Chris stood shaking his head.

"Brother, that was… that was…I’m lost for words." Josiah scratched his head.

"Don’t look at me. I’m as tongue tied as the rest of you." Nathan shrugged.

"Anyone get the feeling they’ve done this before?" The Texan mused.

"Hell, I hope not." The other three said together.

(o) (o) (o) (o)

The evening came around quickly. Buck, Ezra and J.D. were scheduled to perform at 9 p.m. and it was now 8.45.

Vin was busy setting up the lighting and making sure all the electricals were working.

"Hello honey," Tanner was startled by the man as he came up behind him. "You alone?"

"Um… no.. I…" Vin tried to see past the man and get the attention of Chris. "I mean.. no."

"Pity honey." The man purred. "You’re type is rare around here."

The Texan blushed. "I’m …. No… I mean… shit"

"You’re shy, that’s O.K., rather sweet actually. I can teach you a thing or two."

Vin squinted and once again looked past the man standing in front of him. Finally he was able to attract the attention of the man in black. He jerked his head, indicating for Chris to come over. Larabee frowned and shrugged his shoulders. Tanner once again jerked his head and, turning away from his new acquaintance mouthed the words ‘HELP ME!"

Chris couldn’t see anything amiss, but still decided it best to check out the cause of the younger man’s anxiety. He stepped in next to his fellow agent and looked at the man before them.

"You together?" the stranger asked.

Vin answered hurriedly. "Yeah" then turned to the man in black and said "Hey… um…. Baby… you.. you … O.K.?"

Chris’ mouth opened, but before he could react. Vin took his hand and turned the blond toward him. Once again, he mouthed the words ‘Help Me’

Larabee slowly understood. "Yeah.. uh sweetie… this one bothering you?"

"No honey" Vin answered, and with a trembling hand ran a finger around the well chiselled jaw, while the other hand took Chris’ in his.

"Now there’s something you don’t see everyday." Josiah said quietly to Nathan. The two men were standing at the back of the room watching as the entertainment, the early entertainment unfolded.

"Nope. You reckon Vin’ll be able to use that arm again, after Chris’s finished with him later?"

"I’d say he’ll be lucky if he doesn’t spend the night in Intensive Care."

"You’re right." And both men sighed.

"Sad, isn’t it?" continued Sanchez.

"Yep. Man can face down murderers, drug traffickers and the like. Put him in a room full of gay men, and he goes to pieces." Jackson said sympathetically.

"Come on Brother, best we stick together." Josiah smiled and the two men walked to the bar.

Chris clamped his jaw hard and glared at the sharpshooter.

"You boys wouldn’t be interested in a threesome would you?"

"NO!.. I mean no… we… like to keep our own company. " Stuttered Tanner as he almost crushed Larabee’s hand. "Chris here… is… is… worth two."

"Ooooh, really? Pity though… you too are quite the stallions. …. Mmm…. Yum. You change your minds, you let me know, I’m here all night. Ask for Michele." And then he was gone.

Chris wrenched his hand from the frozen grasp of Vin’s. "Next time, you get out of it alone." He growled as he stormed away.

"Chris, please, don’t leave me here… alone…. Chris!! Pard!!" Tanner called after him.

The Texan smiled nervously as guests winked and smiled in his direction. "Ma’am", he nodded in return, then pointed at the retreating black clad figure, "I’m…. I’m with him." He managed. Then, edging along the wall called. "Chris…. Hey, Chris…. Nice evening ma’am… ahh… sir… ‘scuse me.. I’m with him… CHRIS!"

For his part the blond agent had arrived at the bar and was downing his first drink for the night. Suddenly, a hand squeezed one black clad ass cheek. Larabee spun around and ended up face to face with one tall exotic red head.

"Hello handsome." She cooed.

Chris stood stunned.

"Cat got your tongue?"

"No! I mean no….. I….. that is…..I’m… I’m with him!" Larabee managed to rasp out, pointing to the quivering wreck that was once Vin Tanner.

"Pity." She winked and walked away.

"Vin… Vin!" Chris called. "Over here!!"

(o) (o) (o) (o)

It was time; Show Time.

Buck, Ezra and J.D. waited in the wings. Last minute adjustments were made. Belts tightened, feathers settled, hair neatened. Ezra licked his finger and wiped an errant smudge of lipstick from J.D.’s mouth.

"Thanks Ez." Dunne said.

"We ready?" The Southerner smiled.

"Yes." Whispered Buck shaking his head ‘no’ at the same time.

"I think I’m gonna throw up." Cried Dunne.

"Oh no you don’t," berated Standish. "You’re not wearing water proof mascara, it’ll run all over the place and you’ll end up looking a wreck."

Then, the lights came on; the announcer began to introduce them. There was no turning back now.

"Tell me again why we’re doing this?" asked the ladies man

"To break a major drug trafficking ring.." offered Dunne.

"..and to entertain the masses." Added Ezra as he carefully adjusted the feathered head piece that towered three feet above his head.

"Oh yeah, now I remember." Said Buck sadly.

"Well Ladies, it’s show time!" cried the Southerner as they stepped up onto the stage.

The crowd hushed.

The lights went down low.

Then the opening strains of the music boomed out over the audience.

A flash of the spot light lit up the three agents as the pranced and high kicked across the stage, belting out a rousing rendition of ‘Dancing Queen.’ The crowd went wild. Cheering, clapping, whistling. Ezra bent forward blowing kisses toward his adoring fans. Signalling for the others to come forward, he began swinging his hips and prancing along the long stage.

Buck leant into the still bouncing man and said, "Ezra, what are you doing?"

"They love us! Wiggle your ass."

"WHAT!! Wiggle my what?" cried Dunne.

"Like this…" The Southerner turned his back to the now hysterical crowd. Placing his hands on his hips he swayed the lower half of his body, first one way, then the other. The crowd screamed loudly. Hands waved in the air holding money, calling for the men to come closer. Ezra backed up to the edge of the stage and leant down. People came from everywhere thrusting notes at him, begging him to allow them to tuck the money into his costume. He began smiling wolfishly and mouthed the words ‘Love you’ and ‘thanks honey’ back at them.

Buck and J.D. began doing the same. The noise was ear piercing as the crowd surged toward the stage. They leant forward wiggling and swaying as more money was offered to them.

"Hey this aint bad." Buck yelled at Dunne.

"Nope.. aint bad at all." Shouted J.D.

"They love us!" Ezra roared over the deafening onslaught from the floor below them.

And then it was over. The men reluctantly left the stage, triumphant.

"Remind me to have a word with Ezra when this is all over." Larabee said shaking his head.

"Yep Pard, reckon there’s some personal secrets that man aint told us about his private life."

"Amen to that Brother." Agreed Josiah.

"Always knew there was more to that man." Added Nathan. "Just could never figure out what, now I aint sure I want to."

(o) (o) (o) (o)

The next day, Saturday as it turned out, the men gathered at Chris’ Ranch. They had arranged to meet to watch the hockey game and celebrate the bust at the club.

"So we got em all?" asked Wilmington.

"Yep.. the whole gang. The Judge said it was one of the smoothest bust we’ve ever done." Vin said proudly.

"You done good Ezra." Said Chris.

"Thank you Mr. Larabee. I feel that I was in my element. I always thought of myself as an entertainer, so it was not much of a stretch for me."

"Sure, sure Ez. Hey, the game’s started."

Chris, Vin, Nathan and Josiah took up various positions on the sofa and sat intently watching the game. Buck, Ezra and J.D. had gathered on the other side of the room and were getting deeper and deeper into the conversation they were having.

"Did you get that skin cream I told you about?"

"Yeah I did. Look at my hands. Feel them." Dunne said offering his hands out for examination.

"They’s smooth already!" declared Wilmington. "That’s amazing, What was the name of that again Ez?"

"Guys, guys… the game!" Tanner burped, and flicked open another can, slurping greedily from it.

"I bought that hot wax treatment you were telling me about." Buck added, ignoring the Texan.

"And how did you find it?" Ezra asked.

"Feel my hair, aint never been this smooth and silky." Wilmington said.

"Oh Buck, that feels great!" Dunne agreed as he ran a fingertip along the thick dark hair.

Larabee grabbed a handful of chips and shoved them into his mouth. "Ew boyths cominth tooth wath the game?" He asked allowing crumpled chips to fall over the sofa.

"GOAL!" screamed Josiah as he liberally covered his hot dog with ketchup licking up the overflow from his hands. A chorus of ‘yeahs’ could be heard as the others leapt up sending sodas and potato chips into the air.

Buck, Ezra and J.D. shook their heads at the other members of their team.

"No Class." Standish said disgustedly.

"You’re absolutely right Ez." Agreed the youngest agent.

"Miscreants, savages, reprobates!"

Standish shook his head sadly, "Too true Buck, too true!"

The three rose to leave.

"Where you going?" asked the blond.

"We’ve been booked to perform at ‘The Desert’ night club tonight. Even got our own show, Ezra Queen of the Desert." The youngest said proudly.

The other four agents sat stunned. A potato chip hung precariously between frozen fingers half way to Larabee’s mouths. A beer can remained unopened in Vin Tanner’s hand. One large hot dog hovered between Josiah’s mouth and stomach and Nathan half stood, half sat, frozen between the two positions.

"See ya fellas. Don’t wait up." Buck called over his shoulder as he exited.

Chris was the first to regain his voice. "Nah," he laughed nervously. "They’re just jerking our chain."

"Yeah." Vin popped open the beer can. "They wouldn’t go back."

Josiah swallowed, then slapped his thighs. "It was a good one though. Nearly had us going for a minute" he chuckled nervously.

Nathan finally landed with a heavy thud into the chair. "Do you think? Nope," he shook his head, "they wouldn’t……"

All four men sat silently staring at each other.

"I’ll go get the car." Chris called as he raced for the door.

"Hang on! Wait for us!" the others cried as the ran out the door after him.

The End