true works of art by
kevin
alborough
in case you're too stupid or lazy to
figure it
out, this is basically just a collection of doodles, most of which i
drew
whilst bored in class (or, recently, at work).
some of them make sense, a few of them
are even
about stuff.. yep
click
here
to tell me how much you hate me
click
here for my other site (flying cow records)
don't
click here
a picture of my
fans
my
"real" art page n' stuff
august 40, 2003
august 10th, 2004 (is a
beautiful day)
guess
what: it's update time.
but of course i don't really have anything to say. so here is some
random crap i have sharted out in the last little while:
waait.... there is nothing.
but here is a story about yesterday:
i was cutting the grass and i got half the yard done and the grass was
all "not today, bitch" and broke the blade off.
it came flying out from under the mower and just about
defootitated me.
also as of a couple weeks ago i have had FOUR drinking fines. warning:
if your town has a regatta (loserfest): DO NOT i fucking mean DO NOT
take your booze like ten feet out of the designated drinking area EVEN IF
YOU ARE NOT DRUNK. because you'll get a fuckin 130 dollar ticket and
have to sit in the back of a cop car for like 20 minutes while they
tell lame cop jokes and check out your awesome hat. fucking ridiculous.
the real reason i haven't done anything lately is because of that. i
have been doing nothing but drinking. also working and preparing for
college but mostly drinking. my deviantart page has
some of my usual poetry crap and drawing crap and now a little
photography and stuff.. also, i was kidnapped by elves. here's the
story.
i was sitting around in my basement one tuesday morning around the end
of june, at about 8:30 just polishing off a mickey of whiskey and
watching the home shopping channel. all of a sudden i hear a knock on
my door. and i'm all "who is it?"
and the voice on the other side says "it's garth"
and i say "no it's not, garth is at work" (he works at santa's village,
but he's not an elf)
and it's all "yeah i lied. it's just me, the shark"
so i'm all "sweet. just a sec"
the shark is awesome and i always let him in my room because he tells
good shark jokes and brings whiskey .. so i got off the couch and put
on a pair of pants and some lipstick and blew my nose and answered the
door.
and it was an elf.
and i was like "you're not a fuckin sha- aaaaugh!"
(that's when he put the big bag over my head)
so
then i woke up and i was not drunk anymore and i was inside of a big
squisy pink-orange (peach) room. and i'm like.. what the fuck?
and there's all these elves around me.
i dont remember most of what happened during the next three weeks;
because
sobreity limits my ability to pay attention to my surroundings.
but after a while i somehow managed to escape.
and when i got out i realized i had been inside a giant mushroom (and
also i forgot the best part: the elves were slaving me to make tea for
them.)
so i hitchhiked back to canada from.. elf island.. and then spent the
next two weeks drinking nonstop until i caught up with the necessary
level of booze to keep me focused enough to at least pretend to have
updated the site..
hope it was worth it for you, you lousy fuck.
so next time you're gonna email me and tell me i should start updating
my site again, you should keep in mind the possibility that i was
kidnapped by elves, and you should show a little respect for the guy
who's making your tea for nothing.. nothing but slightly less severe
whippings every evening...
those elves are fucking ruthless
it’s june 24th and we
know
it (and i feel fine)
it is time for
REALLY BAD WEBCOMIC
ISSUE TWO!
Now in technicolour.
4002 ,ht91 yam
alright. there are so many bad internet comics out there, i thought i
would add
to the flaming heap of festering shit.. so HERE IT IS.
REALLY BAD
WEBCOMIC ISSUE
ONE
also; this has been kickin' around for ages and ages but i am too lazy
to do
it. it is...
homeless blog
number 2.
if you don't know what a homeless blog is then i will explain because
you, the
average internet user, are probably too stupid to scroll down far
enough to
read the explanation of the first one: i left my microphone
turned on one
time, and microsoft word was on doing speech recognition. people were
talking
in the room and the tv was on or something; and the speech
recognitiony-thinger
picked up all kinds of stuff but printed it all as gibberish (because
speech
recognition is useless)
march 31.... or is it?
The
SawStop:
Another "smart product" for the stupid.
march 30... yep
ANDALE ANDALE it is a new update uhooohhhhhhhh. have you ever been to metaspy? it's the best.
here is some
stuff i
found with metaspy. it is fascinating. read it. really
AWEXOME.
march one-fo
it has been exactly 55 days since my last update (i think). but it's
okay
because this time it is something good.
just now( i mean like in the last few
minutes
now. this is fresh off the griddle. HOT! HOT! CAREFUL WITH THAT, OH
SHIT YOU
GOT BURNED!) just now i have created a rap song generator. my
best
friend in the whole wide world, chris
legg, put it together for me because he goes to college and
therefore knows
how to do things that most people cannot; like make forms and stuff.
so anyways: here it is, a groundbreaking new innovation; KEVIN
AND
CHRIS'S GANGSTA-RAP SONG GENERATOR.
it is the
best thing in the universe because i am the shit and nothing you can
ever do
could possibly top anything i do.
even my farts are better than those of your whole family.
peace. we
out.
tonight we're gonna party like
it's january
19, 2004
if you go down a little bit you'll notice
that last
time i updated this site i forgot that it is actually 2004 now..AHAHAHAHA.
THEY BETTER PRINT IT OUT AND PUT IT ON
JAY LENO..
because i made a typo.. ahahaha
also, if you look up, you'll see a link to a picture of my three biggest fans. their names are Paco, Enid, and Cobra.. I think
HEY: Remember homeless blog? well guess what; my
internet-buddy (i'm a loser) Sven Mullet, made a song to go with it.
It is here.
I must recommend you listen to his
other
songs, though because they are actually good.
ANYWAYS:
somebody by the name of "sport_baby289"
(seriously..(i am absolutely not kidding)) emailed me and said i should
put
pictures of myself on the internet.
i am a lonely old internet man, so i will.
ladies: eat your heart out, because it's
time for
PICTURES OF ME...
(these were all taken
on the same
day; i don't always dress the same)
here's one where
i rock
you probably
shouldn't ask
here i am practically
defying
gravity
also for no reason here
is a
picture of my beautiful cat; joey ramone
that's it for now..
oh, if you sent me money and i still owe
you CD's;
then you should go here because
i actually updated it today.
that's it...
i swear..
go home.
january 666, 2003
thought i'd ring in the new year with a story i wrote. in case you're a moron
who can't
see links..
HERE IT
IS AGAIN
also; here's a picture i drew the
other night
with damiano. here it is again, with
some kind
of lighting effect on it.
happy new
year, losers.
a 26'er of november
hey. check it out: i left my microphone turned on one time, and
microsoft word
was on doing speech recognition. people were talking in the room and
the tv was
on or something; and the speech recognitiony-thinger picked up all
kinds of
stuff but printed it all as gibberish (because speech recognition is
useless).
some of it is pretty funny, so i saved it. i just found it and here it
is: HOMELESS
BLOG #1: I’m
manager them Moslems
(the
reason it's called homeless blog is because it is crazy and sounds like
hobo
talk... 'n case you couldn't figure it out)
also: here
are some pictures.. there would be a lot more, but i am super-lazy:
BIMTOB;
THE CONQUEROR!
meltmouthed
pigwing
angry
/
poorly drawn
HAHAHA! Firebreath
@
Puny-Turtle Thing (pwned)
we
found a
bottle!
handy
new
invention.
november 11ty
one of my
bands
has a
shirt you can buy on a site called pixeltees.
you should buy it. bortwein made it. buy lots so he can get money.
i have lots of doodles. i swear i'll put 'em up soon. i've just been
too
busy/lazy to play with this scanner.
november 9'er
whateva.
y'all don't know me
october 222, (the extra 2 is for 2 legit 2
quit)
yep.. this is.. uh... an update? i guess.
um.. oh
yeah! this is what i was gonna do.
i don't normally link to other people's stuff, but THIS IS
SHEILA'S
SITE.
she has a
section for my poetry . . . but you'll have to find it (it wont be
hard, you
click some words and eventually you get there). i don't know how much
that
small handful of people who really really seem to be enjoying this site
will
actually apprectiate my poetry. it's not like.. "humourous" in any
way.. unless you find humour in pain. and if you're one of those
people, i
recommend you go jump into a bathtub full of maggots and razors so that
when
the razors cut you the maggots will crawl inside of the wounds and
breed.. or
something.
then we'll see who laughs.
also, i recommend you read some of her poetry, and that of the other lovely and magical people who are on the splendiferous site that is sheila cook's website. because it's all better than mine and it's all really good, and grood, and scrumtrillescent.
man, long sentences are fun sometimes especially when they're long and have lots of magical and wonderful and scrumtrillescently fangoriously splenic adjectives that don't really work and you have to read the sentence over and over like five or six or possibly even seven times to try and figure out what's going on because the person who typed it up doesn't use a lot of punctuation or correct grammar and such so i hope you enjoyed this one.
now that
i've put a link to SHEILA'S
SITE,
i may as well put some links to other things.
here is a link to a
really funny news story about joshlee's crazy drunken welfare mom.
here is a picture of some guy's
dog.
here is a really
cool swordfish-nose-guy.
here is
that dog
again.
oh yeah, and
elliot smith died today, which makes me a really sad panda.
this sucks.
johnny cash, warren zevon, wesley willis, and now elliot smith. this is
one
hell of a lot of suck for such a short period of time.
R.I.P. Elliot Smith.. your candle burned out long before your legend ever will.
that's it. i
promise.
...and
here's the
dog
again.
the first october 17th in 365
days, or so
yeah yeah yeah, i know i don't update this page hardly ever anymore. so
i made
a big huge freakin mofo of an update RIGHT HERE.. er.. sorry, that's right here. i actually am getting emails
about this
site but they're all either "your dumb" or "You are great."
but some say 'update more often' (i think those are from people i know,
disguising themselves as internet people). maybe if i get lots and lots
of dumb
people emailing me i will be able to make a whole page where i make fun
of
people's spelling and immaturity, like Maddox or StrongBad, or
__________. <fill this in.
for now, though; i
wont. because i hate you. so, again, HERE IS
A LIST
OF EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE IN THE LAST 29
(i
think) DAYS. enjoy.
love,
Kevin
september 19, 2003 to the max
just as i promised, i took down that song. so if you click here or here or even here, you wont be able to hear it. but if
you
really want to, and i don't know why you would; it's at songfight.org, either on the front
page, or
in their archive; depending on when you go there.
i went on a trip to toronto with some friends of mine this past
weekend; there
was a lot of cool shit and i wish at least one of us had brought a
camera. ah
well. i'll maybe do a big update all about it later; but i've been lazy
lately,
so don't be suprised if it's not a big update; or if there's no
update
at all.
that's it.
september 10, 2003 is stupid
that matt perry movie is on again, and it's at the exact part where he
masturbates the bull. coincedence? we think not.
aaaaaaaaaaanyways; i'm just putting up a link to a song i made with My
Quadell.
My Quadell is a damn fine singer and this song wont be here very long;
(i'm
taking it down probably on friday). so grab it while you get a chance.
it's
called thunderstorms; my'q did the lyrics
and vocals
and i did the music and the bad radio bit at the beginning. enjoy it while you can.
september 03, 2003 wont be a
special enough
day to warrant a clever title
Sept 3. 12:35 AM: music and stuff
it's the beginning of august 31
(and i feel
fine)
August 31. 10:15 AM: coffee / indie
girls /
matt perry masturbating cattle
also, here are some signs at my work that
people
find confusing
also, here's
a
link to a song
i made the
other day.
this is what a couple people said
about it:
"seriously kicks ass in the
beck/talkshow boy vein. if i owned a dance club, i would play this" -
bluelang
"this is mad! [good]" - s
.
august 30: really
bored at
work
Today, instead of putting up a bunch of really stupid doodlings; I put
up a
bunch of really stupid writing. I've been Bored At Work (I should
change the
title of this site, but that would involve getting a new url, so screw
it) like
all day long, and since I'm by myself this time I've just been sitting
at the
computer typing crap most of the day.. Here are the things. They don't
have
pretty pictures, but I didn't use too many big words; so it shouldn't
be a hard
read.. also they're in nice big fonts so you can read them, and they're
a lot
more interesting than the porn you've been looking at all day. So brace
yourselves, because here's the first entry to the boredatwork archives.
August 30, 2003: 11:15 AM: writing /
coffee
/ superhero of time
August 30, 2003: 12:06 PM: lunch / bacon lake / steven king
August 30, 2003: 12:45 PM: working /
home
hardware / cbc radio / making music
august 26: the first day of the
next crappy
chunk of my life
puking guy
tack in
eye
jeremy can't
draw -
also, he is stupid
fishing
my
hair is
on fire
big feet
triangles
are hard
whatever
pig cadet
i kick you
some
kind of
mushroom-pump thing
monkeyfood
erin says
"draw a
picture of me for your site" ... but i am artistically impaired
beware!
soap dispensor!
if i knew july 22 was coming, i'd
have baked
a cake
still fun
poo worm
total eclipse of
my fist
and the radio
angry boot
i
don't know what this is
i am
sleeping
citizen's
arrest: visor guy
map
dancing
bored
at work
my
music at
work
octo-thing
going
to drink
july 12ified: bored at work
not a
travel mug
if
i had a
dollar
batbatbat
kevin's
left
hand
the
cd sleeve that eats your cd's
three
whole hours of TMN
protesting
davey
havok is a sexy man
..i
found this in Value Village..
i
thought you were moaning
a thumb.
not a
thumb.
sticky
notes are fun.
a story,
by jason
tait
june 18 - yet another sad and
shitty day
mr. spongey
flipped-head-guy
"today
has been a fucked up day"
guillotine
guy
flexable
i am
wearing a bird mask.
falling onto some
sort of
sharp thing
"!"
bleeding
page-hole
unemployed: will
puke/dance
for cash
welfare
dwarf
(by kevin alborough and matt makischuk)
drippy
nipple
bonus hidden track: god
save the queen
oh my god! it's june 10nd 2003!
home
hardware shelf-tetris
swordfish
vs. octopus
go
away!
i am busy eating the big, warty, suspended worm!
annoying
story guy
annoying
car
guy
annoying
customer guy
bugmouth
the
greatest day of my life
..not sure
the machine that
flattens
my driveway
strange fish-thing
&
lizard-dog
my siamese twin has
fallen
asleep
june 4st 2003
i'm
going
that way now
divider
i am
very tall
for no
reason, i am wearing a party hat
walking
tree
cardboard
box
boy
shadow man
dolly
extra! extra! june 2st 2003!
(or midnightish of
june 1th)
my brother
made a
discovery today
my
hair is
on fire
i
am an angry waste of paper
i'm dark
a
lesson in
tracing
separation of
siamese
twins (with chainsaw)
don't
talk
to me ... i am busy eating the big warty nipple thing
my hands
june 1th 2003
flip me
off?
second
or third worst day
my brother
says this
guy looks 'french'.
USA vs.
world
i
stand on
tables
welfare
look
shocked
go wrinkly!
flying pig
woah!
particle
ion
gun
how
to be indie
.
.
.
fin