smile and nod.

Saturday, January 01, 2005 || 1:33 PM

Sorry, that was a bit rude. I was just having kind of a bad day, and because I had a mild itch that was probably just dry skin, my mother was flailing around and panicking because she was convinced I was going into anaphylactic shock (not an exaggeration--those were her words), and I was a bit groggy on benedryl. Plus just general stress from having a website to design (done. And yes it is very pink. Such is the nature of the musical) and monologues to learn (also done--or, at least, I've memorized them), and a billion things to do before going back to school. So I was kinda not at my best.

I guess I'm torn with what to do with this thing. On the one hand, it's nice to be able to share stuff with people. On the other hand, since it is public, there are a lot of things I just can't and/or don't write about, so the journal isn't doing me much good as far as getting things out of my head. It's nice to be able to write about good news or site updates, but then if no one comments and it's something important it puts a sour note on things. Plus, whenever I'm in a bad mood--which is when I usually write--I write something angsty and whiny and then feel bad about it later. I shudder to think of the impression people must get of me from this thing...I'm actually not angry and antisocial in real life. I guess I hate that people only see me at my worst. And YES, Cats, I am aware that a way to solve this problem would be to only write happy, positive entries, but that comes back to the argument of this being MY journal, and if I can't write what I'm really feeling, what's the point? Everyone has bad days, why should I put mine on display? I don't have time to keep 2 journals, so I'm going back to pen-and-paper permanantly. It's nothing personal; keeping an online journal just doesn't make me happy, so I'm gonna stop. I am still working on horsefeathers, which will be up soon, and arakay.nu, so it's not like I'm disappearing from the web. I probably will put a note up here when one or both of those is open again. Maybe I'll eventually use this for book reviews or something. But it won't be a real journal anymore.

Anyway, that's all, byers and happy new year!

Thursday, December 30, 2004 || 1:06 PM

I understand that no one reads this and that if I'd like to put forward a meaningful position, I should do so elsewhere, but in response to Indigo's latest entry and comments therein--stop bashing dresses and skirts. If you don't like to wear them, fine, but they aren't inherently bad. I happen to like them, and it makes me sad that I can't wear them more often (I will admit that they aren't exactly practical when it's freezing and extremely windy outside, which is Chicago most of the time I'm there). So...yeah. Wanting to look nice isn't a crime, and notice that the people who are most vocal about saying it doesn't matter how you look are the people who look nice anyway, so what do they know about ugly discrimination?

Anyway, I'm off. And I probably won't be back here for awhile--it always makes me depressed whenever I express an opinion on something (even when it's kinda joking, like now) and no one cares. It's embarassing, like playing to an empty house, and really just makes me feel worse. In fact, I guess I'll publish this post since I already wrote it, but I'm probably going to make this thing permanantly private soon; I have enough to deal with in the real world without being constantly made to feel worthless by people I've never even met.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 || 11:01 AM

Wow. So I've got my first-ever official headshot appointment. Tomorrow at 6pm, at a local photographer who claims to specialize in headshots. I looked at his portfolio online--not great by any means, but none of the people in the pictures were holding kitties or flopped over a banister, so that's something. And he at least told me the right things--bring solid shirts with varying necklines to the shoot, offered me the services of their hair/make-up artist (no thanks--I don't care to pay $80 to have my hair floofed and my face uber-makeuped, but at least they HAVE one), and at least demonstrated an understanding that headshot photography is not the same as portraiture (is that the word? Portrait-taking. Whatever. Anyway.) And it will be VERY cheap since I'm only getting like 3 prints--around $150 all said and done, which is all I need (really, I just need 2 to send off to Strawhat). When I get my real headshots done in Chicago (probably next year, after I've saved up some $$ and the braces have come off, etc) I'll have to make the appt a couple months in advance, and it will probably cost me $500-600 (although part of that is making a 150-175 or so prints...), oi. Anyway, yay for feeling vaguely professional. Here's hoping this doesn't turn out to be completely sketchy...

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 || 9:03 PM

Monday, December 20, 2004 || 4:41 PM

Also, fall quarter grades are posted online--all A's (except for the stupid seminar paper fiasco which resulted in a B there, which kinda pisses me off since that was my easiest class), and for the first time I'm actually proud of some of those: Religion and Politics, Political Parties and Elections, and Acting. For the first two it was because you really were graded on original thought for the papers (and in religion, papers were your whole grade), eg a solid paper that wasn't particularly insightful or creative would get a B. So I'm happy I managed to pull it together in those two. And I definitely put more work into my acting class than into all my other classes combined, and Ann did actually grade us. So...yeah. Okay, errands.

AAAHHH!!!! NEW YORK WAS AMAZING!!! THE GMHC IS AMAZING!!! Check out their website--as massive as it is, they have a billion more things going on inside the building, and everyone there is so nice and easy to talk to. YAAAYY!!! When I got back tonight, even my mother remarked in confusion that "You seem so...happy..."--and this despite spending nearly 36 hours in transit because our nasty Amtrak train decided to derail in the middle of a blizzard in Indiana outside of Gary (the murder capitol of the USA...yay). Actually it was the car right in front of ours and it wasn't as dramatic as it sounds, the train didn't fall over or anything (thankfully), there was just this huge jolt, and I was already mostly awake anyway b/c this woman was snoring loudly and her small children were screaming in Spanish. Eventually some of us were piled into the front two cars, the rest were passed onto a train that pulled up beside us, and other than a brief period of hysterical crying when I thought that I was going to have to pay $1200 for a new set of plane tickets since I was gonna miss my 4pm flight (I ended up being able to take a standby flight for a much more palatable $25), it ended up being cool, and here I am back and showered and happy and clean.

And damned tired. We packed in every bit of going out we could around our working at the center, so we were going 9am - 3am every day (and that's not counting shower time or things like that)... And I have a bajillion emails to answer regarding theater groups I work with on campus. So more details are forthcoming when I'm more alert, if anyone cares (I kept my pen-and-paper journal). So...yeah. Sleep. Now. I wish I didn't feel guilty about not trying to go back to Cold Stone for 2 weeks...but I haven't had a real rest-and-do-nothing vacation in MONTHS...

Anyway, Moral of the Story: DON'T TAKE AMTRAK. ANYWHERE. EVER. :)

Friday, December 10, 2004 || 11:30 PM

Wow. I cannot believe that tomorrow I'll be getting on a train to NYC to work for a week before returning to Disgusta. My plans never work, but somehow this time I managed to get my ASB app turned in on time, miraculously get placed on the trip that first-timers never get placed on, convince my parents to let me go, bring most of my stuff for winter break home over Thanksgiving, get all my xmas shopping done during finals week, ship all the gifts home (only $8.20, too!!), and not get sick (since I went a little crazy with the orange juice and oranges and multivitamins and echinacea...but hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do) and now I'm about to go back to my favorite place in the world to work for a cause that I've learned a lot about and have come to care quite a bit about--HIV/AIDS education and prevention. Ye olde WOOT!

Sorry, I'm a bit tired since I was up until 4am last night after a Kill Bill marathon and then just hanging out, and then I had to get up early to scamper to the bank and deposit $1 so that my account wouldn't bounce...got there in time, luckily. And I do have money for the trip, it's just in my Augusta account.

Anyway, wish I was a bit more with it to write a more...enlightening...farewell entry, but whatever. I love NYC...I've felt a little homesick for it ever since I visited it in tenth grade, really. And it makes me very, very happy to be going back there to work and see the real city and not just be a tourist. So...I'm leaving tomorrow morning, and I'll be in Disgusta come the evening of Dec 19...9:25pm, if my itinerary is to be believed (probably not...it doesn't include the delays I've come to expect). Speaking of itinerary, guess I can mention what I'll be doing...

Sat 12/11 (tomorrow) -- dinner in Evanston, METRA to Union Station downtown, train to NYC leaves at 7:35pm

Sun 12/12 -- Train arrives in NYC 3:25pm (yeah...it's like a 20-hour train ride...BRING IT), rest of the day off to get oriented/check into the hostel (as I discovered during my attempts to sell my parents on the idea of my backpacking in Europe, they don't like hostels. So for their purposes it is a hotel. Yeah)/hang out/eat dinner...we're 2 blocks from Times Square!

Mon 12/13 -- Orientation at GMHC/HIV 101 course morning/afternoon, evening off

Tues 12/14 -- Work meals program 10-4pm-ish, evening off

Wed 12/15 -- Same as above

Thurs 12/16 -- Morning off, noon-8pm wrap and assemble gifts for big giveaway/banquet thingy

Fri 12/17 -- Morning off, huge big gift giveaway/banquet thingy noon-9pm

Sat 12/18 -- Closing stuff at GMHC in the morning, train leaves for Chicago at 2:50pm

Sun 12/19 -- Arrive back in Chicago 8:43am (after ANOTHER 20-hour train ride...), at which point I'm on my own. Taking the el to O'Hare...yes it's slow and prone to delays, but my flight doesn't leave until 4:05pm (and if I get there super-early, I can try to hop an earlier flight). And then several hours of flight. And then I'm back in Disgusta, and will probably not be inclined to go ANYWHERE after traveling for over 24 hours....or I'll be completely hyperactive. You never can tell.
Well...that's that, I guess. I have to finish packing. Bye for now!

Thursday, December 09, 2004 || 8:24 PM

Well, finals are over. Finally. It feels...weird...and less euphoric than I thought it would. I guess after such a stressful quarter with so many bindings and obligations and responsibilities, I feel a bit adrift with no demands being made on me, like I could just float away. This really is my first guilt-free free time since...September. Actually, since more like June or July since I was pressured to finish my acting class summer reading list all through the end of summer...

Of course, that isn't true; I've got Christmas shopping to do tomorrow (plus I have to drop my digital camera off at the Wolf's since it's STILL not working properly), ship all the presents home, the ASB trip....and then when I actually get home I have a web site to design for another student group on campus, a billion plays to read (ALL the spring quarter shows, TI and student theater, are auditioning the second weekend after classes start...ugh...I'm considering saying "Screw it" and just doing my fourth and final crew spring quarter, just to not have to deal with the stress) and monologues to prepare, internship applications to fill out, and I would like to get some actual relaxing in. It's probably a good thing I decided not to try to go back to Cold Stone for 2 weeks.

As for the finals, I already mentioned acting and apparantly everyone thought their own performance sucked, so I'll just take everyone else's word for it that mine was good. There are a billion things I'd love to change or improve, but I guess that's the basic idea behind being in a CLASS...improving, that is. Spanish was easy, I finished the 2-hour exam in under 30 minutes, and grades have already been posted and I got an A, which means an A in the class. Political Parties and Elections was today...I think I did well on the short answer and decently on the multiple choice...I needed a B to keep my A and I'm pretty sure I got that. I hope so. My little outburst in the previous entry was b/c I wrote down the wrong date for a performance I was supposed to go see and review for mt seminar, and b/c mt people are generally self-absorbed to a frightening degree, NO ONE in the class thought to oh, say, call me when I didn't show up. Grrr. I didn't find out about my mistake until AFTER the performance was over, and I tried to contact my teacher but she said there wasn't enough time to make anything up, so I just had to take a 0 on 20% of my grade, so I know I'll have a B in that class. If that knocks me off the dean's list, I'm gonna be mad... On the plus side, such a stark reminder of what assholes my classmates are has definitley galvinized me for the upcoming quarter...dark side or no, anger is a powerful tool for overcoming stage fright. It also makes me that much more motived to audition for the mt program, since if I get in, one of them WON'T. That's terrible, I know, but grrr. On the down side, I do theater because I want to make people experience things, to make their lives richer and hopefully happier, but when people keep acting like jerks it's hard to keep track of why I would ever possibly want to do anything good for them, and then I feel purposeless and adrift. Sometimes it sucks to have your faith in humanity inextricably linked to your perceived purpose in life.

Also--new layout, as you probably noticed. The lyrics are from Billy Joel's "Piano Man" and Suzanne Vega's "Left of Center" because...those were songs I happened to be listening to while making it. I'm rather pleased with how it came out--it's actually several pictures put together, and I like the blended together but still fragmented and disjointed thing it's got going on.

Anyway...I think that's all. I guess I'll go read or something.