old rambles
8.6.03
isn't it pretty crazy to know and be aware of when you're "not acting yourself"? that there's actually a concrete person inside that is really you... and then it can be altered sometimes uncontrollably... it's so weird. it makes me sad that i know i'm not being who i really am inside, and i don't know why i'm stopping it from coming out... it's a crappy cycle... i don't act myself, i become aware of it, then i try to stop it, but it makes me act even faker sometimes... the "fake me" and the "real me" are constantly battling inside... it's extremely confusing, annoying, frustrating, and exhausting. i think too damned much.
7.2.03
working two jobs leaves little time to be awake enough to do anything. i feel like i'm wasting time when i'm not working, and i feel like i'm wasting time when i'm at work... it's sorta like what's more important: having money and buying things and paying bills or self reflection and friend time and being creative?
i saw a great movie last night... i thought it would be another bruce willis hollywood future/sci-fi movie, but it was almost like an independent film, but less typical. it's called "28 DAYS LATER". go see it. it's actually worth the $6.50 and they throw up lots of blood.
a while ago i bought this journal to write down what happened each day, so that i could actually go back and remember what i've been up to and what my thoughts were and how i was feeling... but now i don't want to flip back and read anything... and i can't figure out if that's good or bad. i don't know... but the dog pee smell down here is making my head hurt...
5.11.03
the past few days i've been in hellertown, camping at the cinders. what could be better than sitting around a fire on uncomfortable log seats with a whole lot of awesome people, living off of granola bars, alcohol, and breakfast from stemmie's, skating and driving around during the day, getting hassled by the cops, only getting 4 hours of sleep each night, and forgetting to go to work? i love it. i might do it all summer.
5.7.03
i love music. it is probably the best way to get across how you're feeling... because words don't explain anything. watching pedro the lion last night, i really realized my appreciation of music. without music, i think my life and lots of other's lives would feel really empty and disconnected. even if you don't play an instrument, you can still put on an album or a song and say (consciously or subconsciously) "this is how i feel right now. this is what my emotions inside feel like." because you can feel music, but you can't be sure you feel adjectives like "sad" or "happy" in the same way someone else does.
5.5.03
today i was woken up by the sound of a tiny dog throwing up under the covers at the end of my bed... lovely.
this book i've been reading is changing me a lot. it's called Zen Philosophy, Zen Practice by Thich Thien-An. at first, when i discovered buddhism, i thought that i would slowly build up my life around it... but i realized that you don't have to shave your head and wear orange robes to reach enlightenment... buddhism is just a way of thinking that shouldn't end your other thoughts, but should expand on them. i can apply buddhism to my own personality and not have to give up who i am... cause even though the philosophy is based around non-attachment, there has to be some sort of line drawn and it only makes sense that it's different for every person.
it has been helping me with my emotions and my relationships with people, though. i try not to cling to sadness or happiness that i once had, because how can the new happiness or sadness occur if you're still clutching onto how you felt in the past? you miss out especially on the little happinesses, and so your whole world begins to be based on only the very big happinesses, which don't occur very often, and then it seems like your world is a sad place. i feel like i've been more accepting of people lately, too. not only did the book make me think of this, but i had a conversation with jerry too... about how you shouldn't compare people to yourself or to anyone else, and just accept them for who they are without any expectations. it's just like the clinging to the happinesses... if you cling to the really great times you have with people, then you miss out on the little great times that count as equally. in such a short time, i feel like i've expanded my mind so much, and applied it to life too. cause, i mean, it's one to read and gain knowledge, but it's another to actually apply and use the knowledge in practice. like after me and rick "broke up"... yeah, i was sad, but i didn't continue to stay sad or attach myself to our time together like in previous situations... and now we still have our close relationship, but without the attachments, and i can even truly be happy for him and love his new girlfriend without even trying. it's weird, too, because in psychology they say that a person without an attachment to someone can't function properly in society, so i was looking for that attachment, but now i realize that what the Buddha says is right: "Attachment is the cause of all suffering." the past month at school i've met so many new people just by being open to the possibility of it happening. i had no idea that whithin the first few minutes of meeting a person, you could already feel like you've been friends for life... it amazed me, and i hope it opened more doors for me. since all of this is so new to the years and years of how i've always been, somedays i'm more open than others, but just by seeing how i've changed in only a few months, it makes me really happy. and maybe oregon will bring even more... but, if not, atleast i fulfilled one of my dreams.
4.19.03
i was just woken up by a couple of jahova's whitnesses relentlessly ringing the doorbell. the other day i was thinking about the afternoons when they would come around in their trenchcoats and business outfits and push prayers and pamphlets on my dad... i thought that if they came around now, i would learn about their religion because i know nothing about it, but then i would tell them that spirituality doesn't come from outside, it comes from within, and you don't need higher beings to pray to, or words and rules to unquestionably follow. i would argue that they didn't even bother to ask my beliefs, and that it's not right to push your beliefs onto someone else without even asking if they'd like to know more about it. BUT, i open the door and there are two little old ladies smiling at me who remind me of my own grandma. so, i'm standing there with the door open about 4 inches, kicking the dogs away, patting down my hair and rubbing my eyes to open while these two old ladies talk to me about how they don't want war and they want peace between everyone. i'm feeling really unprepared, and just bobbing my head along. they asked if i thought this was the end of how things are going right now, and the world was going to change... all i could think was "my eyes are barely open, and you're asking me these kinds of questions?" i think i said "no", and quickly they went on about how god's plan was paradise and it's coming soon... or something. then they talked about how everything in the world is evil now, and all you see on tv is violence these days... and i wanted to say something like "not everything is evil, there is a lot of good too. and you don't need the tv or the news because all they focus on is the bad because it's more entertaining to our stupid population. watch pbs or the discovery channel or the national geographic channel if you must..." i don't know... i couldn't say anything, though, because who wants to argue with 2 little old ladies, especially when you're still half asleep? then she gave me a little magazine that was all about "Kids: Are They Growing Up Too Fast?" and told me that they'd be back in a week to see what i thought of the articles. maybe i'll invite them in for tea or something next time. heh.
3.21.03
i talked to the owner of the buddhist school in ottsville today. i haven't been so excited in a long time. we sat on meditation pillows in the meditation room with the japanese calligraphy and buddha statues and earthy incense. i told him i wanted to learn about the buddhist philosophy and zen meditation because i was interested in the dhyana and the pranja (discovering one's true nature and wisdom inside). and so he talked to me for an hour about what suffering and desire means and how buddhism's goal is to reduce these things to keep yourself aligned. i sat and listened, and only wished i knew where the key was to the lock on my mouth. a lot of the things he brought up i had already thought about or realized, but some things he explained in an awesome way. like holding onto emotions to define ourselves by them. we aren't our emotions, so attaching yourself to them only hides your true self even more. and the need to "shut down" and clear ourselves once in a while to work properly again. he said that we define ourselves by things that don't really exist because they're only words, like: "i like pizza. i like blue. i don't like soda..." but who is the "I" before all of that stuff? i wish i would have recorded his explanations, because they sounded better when he was telling them. as we were walking to our cars, he started talking about logic and emotions, so i told him about my struggle between those two things, and how it caused my indecisiveness. he explained it kinda quickly, so i don't think i got the whole understanding of it, but he said to think about yourself holding a thermometer... and it says "50", but you go outside and it says "70", so your emotions can fool you. BUUUUUT... the whole buddhism belief is based around realizing the wisdom inside of yourself, and not paying attention to reasoning. So i am very confused.
but he did make me think about myself differently... i've got to let go of whatever fear i have. because i am not my emotions, and fear is where it all starts... it leads to my anxiety and my nervousness which leads to my indecisiveness. i need a buddhist psychologist. i wonder if they exist. i was under the impression that i was going to meet with him (john heinz) weekly, but he didn't give me any hints that he wanted to work with me in that way. although, he did say he would call me with information about community buddhist groups, so he's been extremely kind and generous. here's a koan to ponder: what IS desire?
3.14.03
lots more changes... i just hope they're good. drunk moshing with your friends = lots of fun. drunk snow thrashing = bad idea. jamie explained to me why you crave eggs when you are hung over: because you need the dead fetus' nutrients for your brain.
i read my "old ramblings" and i think that i was more open then than i am now. i don't know if it's because smoking makes me more emotionally verbal, or because i was more comfortable in my situation at the time. but i'm hoping to "find my true nature" through meditation lessons, and be open me always.
3.12.03
i can't stand living in this house with my mom anymore. she's psycho. and four months pregnant! she just won a courtcase by lying to the court, forcing my dad to pay her $70,000. amongst the lies was "I'm paying $30,000 a year for laura to go to school". it's all paid for in scholarships, financial aid, and MY loans that I'M paying for. And now we just got in a fight over a scholarship that she wants me to apply for, in which half of it is another loan that I'M going to have to pay for. fuck that. i told her that she needs help, and to go see a psychologist. it felt kinda good to spit that at her. anyway, it's freezing in this basement, and i can't be here with crazy lady anymore, so i'm going to try to stay at my dad's as much as possible. i can't wait for the sun to wake everything up. maybe with my eyes open, things will change.
3.10.03
no wonder just about anyone with some slight intelligence is depressed in this trash heap world. i can't even leave the house without seeing signs for pieces of land to be sold as new business spaces or "20 houses on 1-acre lots". why would anyone want to live in those termite mounds? i couldn't imagine waking up and sitting on my porch to admire the view of other people's lives, and my one tree. And i would say the hell with those damned stupid people, but it's affecting everyone's lives... the more people support developments, the more they're going to build them, and the less open land there will be, and the more expensive living in a non-development house will cost. it's ridiculous to me, but people are so habituated to it all... think about nature parks and the fresh water springs around here... doesn't it seem ridiculous for people to claim those things as their own, and start charging people to view the sights, or drink the water? well... i see this as the same thing as housing developments and those business lots. until now, it's always been open space for people to enjoy, and now it's going to be some pointless building for pointless people to work their pointless jobs. i don't agree with people being able to claim land to build their houses on, either, but that's another argument. whatever... i'm disassociating myself from places like here as soon as i can. everyday, my desire to become a sheep herder in some remote forest of new zealand, and sell art at the nearby village, is becoming stronger.
anyway, i hope to finish my roll of film this week so i can start scanning some new pictures soon. in the meantime, here's another sad poem i dug inside and pulled out:
hidden deep within darkness
there lies the manisfestation
of the gnarled roots of my inner tree
so warped with thoughts
and intricated by reasoning
the poison of hurt has torched them black
their thorny ends burn into my wounds
and flame my blood with pain.
2.16.03
i am stuck in my house all by myself due to this damned snow, and human interaction is miles away. i've slowly been going insane today, so i can't even put together any worth while thoughts. and this is the first time in a long time angelfire hasn't been a bitch to me.. grrr..
hahaha it's midnight and my mom has been snoring on the couch for the past 3 hours, and just now, all of a sudden the snoring stopped, and out of the silence came a small "jim...? should we call the plow guy?" with his response "now?" maybe it's the insanity, but i cracked up. my mom always makes you think one thing: "WHAT THE HELL?"
anyway... i promise i'll have a real entry soon, and i hope to scan some pictures and things in the near future too. come back in a month if you'd like.
3.7.02
"you're putting yourself through a lot of regression, laura. one day you're going to just blow up." -jerry
11.17.02
I have a Band-Aid on my finger,
One on my knee, and one on my nose,
One on my heel, and two on my shoulder,
Three on my elbow, and nine on my toes.
Two on my wrist, and one on my ankle,
One on my chin, and one on my thigh,
Four on my belly, and five on my bottom,
One on my forehead, and on on my eye.
One on my neck, and in case i might need'em
I have a box full of thirty-five more.
But oh, I do think it's sort of a pity
I don't have a cut or a sore. -Shel Silverstein
Shel Silverstein is awesome! I mean... listen to the description of himself on the back of the book: "Shel Silverstein is the author of THE GIVING TREE, and many other books of prose and poetry. He also writes songs, draws cartoons, sings, plays the guitar, and has a good time."
10.4.02
a couple weeks ago i went to new york to stay with my friend shana, who goes to nyu. i was so jealous of her "dorm" which was on the 31st floor, and had a kitchen and a bathroom, and her roommate can make awesome chocolate chip peanut butter cookies. the first night, shana let me share her bed and she gave me her panda to sleep with and i didn't notice til morning, but she gave me all of her pillow too. it made me feel so loevd. she's such a sweetie.
walking around new york made me realize how much culture and diversity there is there, and how much philadelphia sucks compared to it. i rode the subway for the first time and gave some guys a nickel who did a crazy dance to entertain us all. shana made me eat a filafel at mamoun's and it was soo yummy... like a healthy taco. i ate at my first chinese restaurant too. it was called The Dumpling House, and the lady hurried me to decide what i wanted, so i picked the first thing that sounded edible and cheap, the vegetable noodle soup. the highlight of the trip was the bright eyes show at irving plaza. conor wasn't wasted or in a pit of despair, and he was backed up by 14 others, and during one song they all started dancing and singing and the whole thing was just so jovial and fun. and the audience knew band member's names, and there was a lot of communication between the band and conor and the audience, which made it a lot more intimate, and you could tell the audience appreciated the performance a lot more compared to the show i went to the next night in philly.
yesterday while rick and i were walking to my car at delaware valley college, we saw a skinny old man with a blue sailor-type hat on and huge circular glasses, and he was carrying a tuba bigger than he was, while smoking a cigarette and looking very confused standing in the parking lot. it was such an awesome thing to see because it made absolutely no sense. it made me wonder so many things.
8.28.02
why is it that i run for any ajar door i see? like no matter how much i want to stay, there's always something out there calling for me to escape... and i obey. haha a fruit loop just fell in my bra.
orientation at arcadia started 5 days ago for me. thankfully, this time my roommate's life doesn't revolve around snoopy, and crying hysterically over her fighting with her internet boyfriend at 3am. i've skipped the entire orientation and stayed with rick at del val the whole time, though, so i'm sort of like the mysterious roommate who hangs deftones posters and drops off bonsais, then never shows up to sleep.
rick and i went to see that movie "signs" (it was for free), and the whole thing was pretty bad, but we couldn't figure out the ending or why christianity was such a big thing throughout the entire story. we analyzed and tried reading into the movie, and came up with a bunch of conclusions, but it may just be a straight-forward horrible movie... it's hard to tell. let me know what you thought if you happen to go see it.
my new favorite thing right now is those rold gold wheat-n-honey pretzel twists. they are so nummy. you must try them. pleeease try them, they are awesome, you will love me for telling you about them.
last weekend rick and i decided to go to that hippie-fest in the poconos... hehe... afterwards, we tried to sneak into the campground where all the hippies were sleeping, but there were so many cops around that it called for a devious plan. we parked across the street at a hotel, and stumbled through the woods until we got to the road, where we were going to run across the road and safely get to the other wooded side. but from where we were standing, the road looked like it was a tiny jump away and we could make a dash for it, except when we hastily jumped, to our surprise, we were actually jumping off of a four foot cliff/hill. rick smooshed flat onto the road, and i slammed onto my knees and uncontrollably screamed obsenities because the pain wouldn't allow me to move. out of fear of being found by cops, we quickly crawled back up the hill and hid behind a tree to wait out the pain. as we began to laugh at our situation, four others clumsily trudged in the same matter we were, but were greeted by four flashlights when they reached the other side. cops... hiding in the woods... they saw our whole situation... and decided not to do anything about it cause i'm sure it was quite humorous and sad to watch... defeated, we laughed it off and limped back to the car with our tails between our legs, ready to go home. haha
8.8.02
babysitting all day this whole week has given me a lot of time to think and dream alone. and opportunities to speak with jerry always conclude with some renewed sense of reality. the best jerry line: "but i realized that if u live in the future all the time, it never comes!!!!!!!"
i sat outside and was inspired to write a letter to my mom discussing how she has a distorted image of who i am inside her head, and how i want her to know the real me. in it, i say: "i don't know if it's possible to really make you see who "laura" really is, but i can leave you with a list of things i enjoy, do, desire, hope for, and think. take it and do what you will with it..." And i went on to list things like: "probaby my favorite thing is nature. i think i connect more with nature than people. so i love camping, walking alone in the woods, sitting by creeks or lakes, being on the beach, nature parks, hiking... of course people usually ruin these things for me- it's more of a solitary thing." and "everyone needs a way of digging inside themselves and releasing, and the outlets i love for this are poetry, painting/drawing, and music (guitar, watching a performance, or listening to lyrics i connect with). i've written lots of poems, i've taught myself songs on the guitar, and i've found the most amazing musical artist with the most amazing lyrics that i relate to so completely. it's up to you to show interest in wanting to share these things with me. and dont just do it because i said that, because i've only shared these things with a couple people- they're extremely intimate if i feel total comfort." and "i don't like lies. i think people who feel the need to lie are unhappy with themselves. and i also don't like people who are ignorant and don't want to accept the truth. i am like neither of these types of people, so please don't lie or keep things from me. i can accept and handle anything. i've been through a lot... i'm quite strong." and so on...
7.31.02
i feel the need to talk about my work today... (for you who do not know- i work at Napoli's pizza in Frenchtown). a cute tiny old lady came in today to eat spaghetti. she sounded exactly like marge's mom due to her smoking for 80 years. and in her hoarse old lady voice, as i was walking away, she added "please make sure my meatball is hot." hahaha i thought it was so cute, i even wrote it on the check. and then when i gave her her food she said "thank you, baby" but she said "baby" like "buhby" kinda Beevis-like. then, when i was clearing the table next to hers, she said "hey, is that a hamburger?" so i laughed and said "no, it's a left-over piece of cheesesteak." and she said "oh good, give it to me, i'll take it home for my cat." hahaha! i wanted to hug her and take her home with me.
today i've been in the mood for stale frosted flakes. i have a plethera of cereal choices, but i dug way in the back for the frosted flakes that expired in march. not only did i have them for breakfast, but i just had some for dinner too. i'm crazy.
i hung out with donnelly, wendy, and merry on monday and i feel renewed. seeing familiar faces is niiiiice (in my chill laura voice) and i love those guys, they're mucho fun. i wanted to get into a group hug and sing kum-ba-yah cause i missed them so much. (o:
7.18.02
i feel like the rest of the world is having social parties and kissing each other on the cheeks and drinking red cocktails with strawberries and little umbrellas, while i'm laying on the couch in my pajamas eating pringles watching 7th heaven reruns. of course this is only one of my metaphors, and i've been vexingly busy, but i feel like something's missing... i think i miss people. not just ANY people... i mean friends. i think maybe my social phobia is slowly breaking down and dissolving. maybe tomorrow i will use the phone.
6.19.02
i've been intently reading Vasquez's comics the past few days... so much that i think maybe i'm being sucked into them or something... turning into johnny the homicidal maniac's thoughts and emotions (ya know, except all the killing and desires to paint a wall with blood). i've also been working my hiney off this week, and i've been getting very few hours of sleep each night, and all this is tying into one big knot stuck somewhere in my body (location unknown). i've changed... another Laura has been drowned, and this one is fresh and smelling of sweet berry soap suds. i live with my mom now, my mind is being clicked into "must be creative and not so scientific" mode for school, i am a waitress for two italians named Sal and Benny, eminem excites me, i finally found someone on the same level as i, i'm soon to be a new parent to an italian greyhound pup, i am free of all the fingers pressing into me, and i'm happy. Happy. i think i forgot what that word meant... or maybe i had never truly felt it until now. i just ate all the marshmallows out of the lucky charms box... i couldn't resist their marshmallowy goodness. oh well, farewell until next time.
5.15.02
i quit my job at dairy queen after only working 2 days... how horrible i am, but after exploding chocolate blizzards and taking forever to find "corn dog" on the register and unlocking two year olds from the play place, i just couldn't take it any longer. i never felt more free!
i had no idea there was such a decision process in buying paint from kmart. i felt so stupid when the nice man who asked to help me, questioned what "finish" i wanted and i had no clue what to answer with. i think my response was "something smooth and shiny" and he replied back "they're all smooth and shiny". damn my lack of paint knowledge! when he finally chose for me, he asked if i wanted the "one coat" or something else, and i asked what the difference was, and he looked at me like i was the most horribly stupid creature in kmart. "it's more expensive" he says. pff! i don't even think HE knows the difference. freakin martha stewart and her choices...
jess and i are going to see bright eyes play tomorrow. there's nothing in the entire world that i'd rather be doing tomorrow than watching conor portray his emotions in front of me. i'm so overly excited that i'm afraid i'll be so "high" on the excitment that i'll forget the moment. can that happen? i sound like a bubbly school girl, but it goes much deeper than that. since hearing bright eyes i've changed in a lot of ways, on a lot of levels, and for the first time i've felt like there is a sense of belonging out there... like someone else actually exists who thinks and feels like me (even if it's not conor, i still feel like someone's out there). SO, to actually see this person who has impacted me in such a way, in this moment where i'm still freshly wandering all these new thoughts and feelings, is the only thing i want... i will be gooey, happy, depressed, nervous, crying, excited, confused, smiling, content, hiding, exposed, and everything between.
4.29.02
trying to avoid the thoughts gooing up my brain, and the studying that must be done for the many finals this week and next. this scribbly piece of writing began as a poem, but later started to dance in my head as a potential piece of a song. if anyone comes up with some sort of melody, please sing to me some day.
i watched that kiss on my cheek bounce back to your lips, the smiles don't get past my face, and a hug is nothing more but a handshake (in disguise). i heard your voice on my machine, but the language was not mine. this childish hide-and-seek game has left me winning everytime. although there is no one now playing but me. maybe someday i'll give up this victory.
3.27.02
to matt, jess, and yuri: though i don't say much, i do think and feel quite a bit, and the quakertown diner night i felt a warmth (i don't know why, either) which i have not experienced in a long while... anyway, i wrote this in bed that night, half in a dream:
such mischevious glances grow to be one playful thought in exchange for an old memory. happy eyes make for smiling faces and joyful laughs of old and new. a race down the path, but giggling at all the things broken as we wipe the cobwebs from our cheeks. not wondering if the finish line will appear, but enjoying in the warmth of our unspoken sunny day.
eh...
3.13.02
Everything seems so fake to me... my emotions, feelings, hopes, wants, thoughts... it's like i'm flipping reality upside down... turning it over into some magical play. Why can't i just constantly be me? Past experiences and emotions make me cringe at how naive and fantasy they sound. Even now i feel disgusted with myself- like i'm wearing some costume for some awful movie. i just want to be ME... the pure, real, exposed person that no one gets to be anymore. i want to be free of these extraneous material things that matter so much... clothes, haircuts, drugs, McDonald's, make-up, television, computers, magazines, cars, roads, buildings, and our digusting school systems, "perfect" bodies, "intellectuals", the need for abortion, purchasing everything you own and not knowing how to do anything for yourself, all the impatience, the need for laws or someone to rule over us, placing value on everything- including land, plants, animals, humans... it all makes me sick. i'm disgusted at how people are (including myself). i feel i don't belong here... i can't belong here- it's not possible. i don't want to be a part of the daily play anymore.
2.7.02
so the question of the year is: Does love really exist? Love is my motivation for living. to me, it is the only thing worth going on for. so ever questioning whether or not it was out there never even crossed my mind. BUT you should always question everything you believe, and so i did, and i didn't like what the opposition brought. for a year i questioned how one could so easily fall in and out of love, and i don't think i ever wanted to admit that it could be because love is controlled by your mind. can you fall in love with whomever you want, if they are willing to "fall in love" back? is that really all that love is? i guess i still have my hidden hope that the "true love" exists out there somewhere, when you hear or see someone and you feel drawn to that person in a way you never felt before, and they feel it too, and your eyes meet and do all the talking for you... i am such a dreamer... but my dreams keep me going...
1.16.02
so a lot has happened this past month or so... and yet so little. i feel a change coming on with the beginning of this new semester at a new school, and apparently my subconscious feels it to, what with all the nightmares about an approaching godzilla and such. anyway, i hope it's good because my drained life could use some good finally.
12.6.01
my most admired art teacher (whom i had no idea knew i existed) just commented me on my self portrait that i was tricked into volunteering for to be hung
up in a collage with 17 others... "Laura, your self portrait is really great. It definitely stands out amongst the others. Good job." Oh, the smiles. (O:
I'd also like to thank the drunken pirate nun on channel 59 (or some other rarely watched channel). Her eye patch and slurred speech made her seriousness
about God so very entertaining... i giggled like a little school girl. hehehe I also want to add that my last two ramblings seem like they're about specific
people or incidents, but they're not really... they're more like everything on my mind put together. The one about the sad boy was about Jon, though...
I wonder if he caught that. good day.
12.4.01
once again, come close to me. just like before when your smile made me cry. and cry i will because your smile has erroded with time. the embrace
which once was so boldly painted inside me has since melted off our canvas. Windex, Pledge, and Mr. Clean have cleansed all the dirty memories. you're
not there, but i knew you once were. staring and remembering are not the same... i want it back. one day the shelves will be full again, and the floors
will be messy, and the blinds will be pulled shut, and the canvas will hang once more.
12.3.01
like a panting dog your name beats through my head. or is it my heart i don't think i know. you float through the mists of my mind like some lost
angel, confused, about to cry. should i extend out a hand, or call for you. i still don't know. you're so pretty though. i wish you wouldn't be
scared. just let me pet your wings and sing to you. sit now, you'll soon feel at home.
11.27.01
lonliness is choking my throat and making it hard to breathe. i have nothing to live for. "But you made it that way!" ah, manic me.
I met a sad boy once... he was always looking down, curling into himself, clutching his sadness and hurt tightly to his heart, mumbling that it
was all his fault. i lifted his chin and stared into his eyes. LOOK UP, little boy. the world is going on around you. the town has been rebuilt,
but you never moved. days have passed years ago as should have your sadness. stop clutching so tightly, only then will your emotions float away.
GROW. BE again. live life. one crack of the heart shall not stop you from repairing it. let it heal. stop holding the hole open. i know...
i've been there, little boy. i'm here.
11.13.01
a new page... i don't know why i bother, but it's a good way to get thoughts down and to waste the hours away at work.
my grandpa died last thursday, and yet i didn't attend the funeral as fearful/unknowing/curious as previous occasions hae been attended.
for once i feel as if i understand death and the strangeness of leaving one's body. the priest, although, obviously tried
to direct me away from my sinful personal views and disbeliefs in his fantasy world, when i did not chant back his little
brainwashing songs and phrases. his rants about how the afterlife is so unknown and scary, and about how jesus is there
to welcome you, and that it is such a better place than here- they were all instilled towards me
in some obscene gesture to try and scare the jesus into me or something... it was creepy and crazy to see everyone
mindlessly chant after this man, who continually burped and yawned and used his little church gophers (who should have been in shcool).
but anyway, they were my grandpa's beliefs, and therefore i shall atleast respect them... miss you grandpa
Rachel Leigh Cook is so very cute. if anyone saw the E! hollywood adventures (i don't know why i have), you will know what i speak of. ( :
the Conor virus is spreading across my brain
somehow, having your favorite band put out a greatest hits album makes you feel old
GWAR and Mindless Self Indulgence are going on tour early 2002! Who's excited!?
