Wednesday 4:20pm
Who Am I?
I, I hardly know, just at the present. At least, i know who i was when i got up this morning, but i think i must have changed several times since then.
-Alice in Wonderland
Because people let me, i push and push to see how far you'll go without breaking. And they don't break but i still push, harder and harder stretching everyone to the absolute limit. When i think about it, i try to stop, but sometimes that's a little too late- i don't really mean to hurt or irritate anyone.
Sometimes i feel so helpless in my manipulations. i want to be different than other people. I want to be unique, or original. So i layed out the rules to the game a little differently. I would pretend to e on everybody's side and play each one of them- but i'd tell them about the other players- not mentioning that they themselves were just a pawn (or course i could do this only with the realizatoin and acceptance that i too was just a pawn for everybody). So i was the good girl to everyone. everyone!. But that was boring. No adventure. No danger. It was all work and i was sick of it. So i told a little more to different people. And pretty soon i had told everyone everything, but only in selected pieces. Everyone thought they knew everything but nobody really knows anything. And, hell, it was fun... for awhile. I enjoyed it, i'll give myself that, but i get sick of it. It's so damned hard, cause everyone wants to keep plyaing when in reality, the actual players (not the pawns that are so excited) want to clean up and start a new game. But the pieces resist. They musn't be forgotten. They can't be left out. Yet all i want is to be myself. Enjoy myself. Have fun. Sure; i'm still going to go on with my individual studies but i don't want the general public. People know so little. They've all been fed bullshit. When will they wake up to the fact that their moves are completely controlled by the player. Doesn't matter the status amongst themselves or their value to the player. A pawn is a pawn, a king is a king, a queen is a queen. They're all being controlled. This isn't Wonderland. I've woven a web, but this one's so damn complicated that even i can't find my way out.
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There is so much tangled it is hard to unwind and sometimes not even the brightest light can piece the mildest of blacks.
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Email: kreesha5@hotmail.com
