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I Want To Run With Scissors...
Season Three, Top Three - "Hearing him live just confirms that his vocal comfort zone is about as sprawling and cosmopolitan as his hometown."
Live report of the finale by Shoebox
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Cheese the Size of an Ocean
Season Three, Top Two - "Rex says he’s glad people are on-board with him and Melissa being real. It’s important to avoid counterfeit Idol contestants, people. Always look for the little holographic “I heart fame” tattoos on their ass. Anything else is a cheap Taiwanese knock-off."
Recap of the performance show by Joe Dwarf.
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If You Court This Disaster...
Season Three, Top Three - "It’s for sure the most pathetic sight I’ve ever seen, him standing there in his neatly combed Ballad Hair and maroon Ballad Jacket, staring at his Ballad Shoes, his shoulders all hunched in the universal sign for Please, God, Just Let the Trapdoor Open Now."
Recap of the performance show by Shoebox
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Shut Up, Elvis
Season Three, Top Four - "I get the whole Canadian ordinary guy with talent thing, the sort of anti-cool-dude backlash that helped give Steven Page a career. But don’t you want your Idol to be even a little bit cool?"
Recap of the performance show by Joe Dwarf.
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It Feels Good To Be Missing You
Season Three, Top Five - "While they’re at the mall, they can pick up their 'My Lead Singer Made Top 5 on Canadian Idol and All I Got Was This Lousy Autographed CD' tee-shirts. Then they can meet up with the abandoned Hedley members and all chuck beer bottles at the HMV receiving entrance together. "
Recap of the performance show by Shoebox
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You Got Us On Our Knees
Season Three, Top Six - "If Casey ever met the original Pretenders-era Chrissie Hynde, I think a four-square block area of London would have been levelled, it’s like bringing together matter and anti-matter. At the very least, Chrissie would have kicked Casey’s ass up around her shoulder blades. "
Recap of the performance show by Joe Dwarf.
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They're Really Saying, We Hate You
Season Three, Top Seven - "Sass somehow took a wrong turn down memory lane and ended up in the Age of Aquarius wearing the décor from a cheap Chinese restaurant"
Summary of the performance show by Joe Dwarf
Recap of the performance show by Shoebox
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Holding Out For A Shred of Credibility
Season Three, Top Eight - "If Madonna ever sees this, she’s gonna kill herself just so she’ll have a grave to roll over in."
Summary of the performance and results shows by Shoebox.
Recap of the performance show by Joe Dwarf.
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At Least Nobody Sang Ebony & Ivory
Season Three, Top Nine - "Plus on this show they have the bonus of learning that it doesn’t really matter anyway, ‘cause your fate as a musician will be decided by deep meaningful factors like how good a prop you make for the cranky judge’s ego. Then they can get all bitter and antisocial, which I suppose never hurt the Sex Pistols, but there of course you have to factor in the whole stabbing-the-girlfriend thing. So we should probably just get back to telling them not to suck now."
Recap by Shoebox
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Canadian Misses
Season Three, Top Ten - "I'd cover more of her vignette, but honestly it would be like taking the time for a detailed description of beige."
Summary of the performance and results shows by Shoebox.
Recap of the performance show by Joe Dwarf.
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The enthusiasm drifts away...
Season Three, Wildcard - "Either that, or he's just a truly evil little scheming famewhore who's decided to add Jacob to his repertoire for insurance; given the eye-boinking and lip-licking, I can't totally count it out."
Recap by Shoebox with Joe Dwarf doing the Curly Shuffle.
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You can do it, Fonzie!!!
Season Three, Group Four - "He bites his lip and attempts a sort of junior grade eye-boink but the camera isn’t reacting – it had the real stuff all last year and isn’t settling for any pale imitations."
Recap by Joe Dwarf with Shoebox on the undercard.
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They made us love them
Season Three, Group Three "I'm not gonna call Amber Teh Best Idol Evah just yet...but right then? In that moment? Hell, yeah."
Recap by Shoebox with Joe Dwarf dancing soft-shoe.
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Underjoyed
Season Three, Group Two - "Note the ironic quote marks, people. They don't give this job to chimps, you know."
Recap by Joe Dwarf with Shoebox on kazoo.
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Disney Domination
Season Three, Group One - "Dude's up there channeling about eight different performers, and he's getting lousy reception"
Recap by Shoebox with Joe Dwarf singing harmony.
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EXTRA - Canadian Tsunami Benefit Reviewed
Canada For Asia - Due to Joe's lassitude, this excellent review from Shoebox arrives late. See what she thought of a bunch of (mostly) good-hearted Canucks singing to raise money for tsunami aid.
Review by Shoebox.
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EXTRA - Kalan's Debut Album Reviewed
219 Days - Shoebox dons her unbiased reviewer's hat to tackle Kalan's first crack at a recording. Joe's opinions are left unsaid, probably a good thing for his future health if he gauges the mood at TWoP right these days.
Review by Shoebox.
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"This how it was supposed to end"
Finale - "This duet is one of those rare moments when Idol transcends what it is, a lovely creation of perfectly balanced voices and perfectly understood emotions, so delicately intimate that watching it starts to feel a trifle intrusive."
Recap by Shoebox.
Quick summary by Joe Dwarf
Live report by Dramagrrl. |
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Baby, let's cruise...away from here
Top 2 - "I had my mental furniture comfortably arranged around a central theme of Love Theresa as a person, love Kalan for his talent, and now it’s all just clotted right up and I’m in for a really angsty Thursday"
Recap by Shoebox.
Quick summary by Joe Dwarf.
Live report by Dramagrrl. |
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Didn't I see you crying?
Top 3 - "Sass, here's a little tip from your ol' uncle Dwarfy: say 'Skatchwan'. You'll sound like a native, and still be able to pronounce it after your 23rd Boh in the Delisle Hotel Bar. "
Recap by Joe Dwarf.
Quick summary by Shoebox.
Live report by Dramagrrl. |
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I won't dance...anymore!
Top 4 - "He’s evidently going for Timelessly Elegant Man About Town, and is achieving Rookie Busboy at the Copacabana. You can just imagine Dean or Sammy flipping him a nice shiny quarter. 'Here, kid, buy yourself a real tan.'"
Recap by Shoebox.
Quick summary by Joe Dwarf, Lindy Hop by Shoebox.
Live report by Dramagrrl. |
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It's just too good to be true...
Top 5 - "Ben is, if anything, even more orange than last week. If I could just figure out how to tie third-party life insurance, stock investments in ManTan, and this guy I know named Guido together, Canada might be mourning a minor celebrity while I count my millions."
Recap by Joe Dwarf.
Quick summary by Shoebox.
Live report by Dramagrrl. |
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EXTRA - Idols live at the CNE
At the Ex - "This crowd is composed of three layers: down front, rabid fangirls; front/middle seats, slightly bemused escorts of said fangirls; back and on the grass around, families who were at the Ex already and thought, what the hey."
Review by Shoebox. |
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With a suitcase in my hand...
Top 6 - "If you cock your head and squint to reduce the glare off the Random Shiny Things, the stage starts looking sort of like Tommy Hunter's. All we need now are the Hinterland Who's Who commercials, and it'd be Sunday nights when I was twelve."
Recap by Shoebox.
Quick summary by Joe Dwarf with Shoebox on mandolin. |
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Truly awful...
Top 7 - "Kalan walks on stage with a shy little wave, sits on a stool, tilts his head to the right and then proceeds to ... well, lets just say the camera hasn't had this good a roll in the hay since last week when Jacob banged it silly."
Recap by Joe Dwarf.
Quick summary by Shoebox. |
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We hate rock and roll...
Top 8 - "She looked beautiful and she gave the song everything it needed - yes, OK, except the years and years of hard-knocks and heroin addictions and men treating her wrong and her dog dying or whatever it takes to sing the blues properly."
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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Sweet dreams, Manoah...
Top 9 - "Trying to live up to that much voice, that much cool, that much anguish would give a much better performer than Manoah hives. The outfit and theatrics just made it worse. Now if she'd come out in a bright orange brushcut I might have thrown her some votes... a cheesy hat? Not enough."
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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We feel blessed...
Top 10 - "Sigh...it's getting to be so predictable. Children, check. The Lord, check. Feeling the love, check. Great voice smothered by insanely dreary song selection? Check. Gone soon? Check."
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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Worst. Wildcard. Ever.
Wildcard - "Best performance of the night. Too bad he's gonna get thumped by a better looking guy shooting double barrels of cheese at the audience."
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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The hell? Manoah??
Group 4 - "The first major disappointment of the night. Whoever convinced the wonderfully expressive performer of boot-camp that she was a diva belter needs to be smacked a good one upside the ear, pronto (I'm looking at you, Byrd...). "
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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Talk about your tough draws...
Group 3 - "Thought Jacob was entertaining but he's going to get stuffed into a garbage can by his fellow contestants. I had a friend like that, constantly moving and on... it's amusing for a little while, then you just want to find a guy who knows a guy."
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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Room for one more after Kalan
Group 2 - "Shoemom, about halfway through: 'Oh, gol, what's Ben saying now?' Me: 'I have no idea. I am now trying that Zen trick where I'm the rock and he's the water flowing over me without leaving a trace. Blatherblatherblather...' "
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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EXTRA: Theresa Gig Review
Live at Lydias - Theresa came home before her top 32 perfomance and performed a gig to raise some cash. Seems Idol doesn't pay so great - what a shocker.
Review by Joe Dwarf. |
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Sea of Meh
Group 1 - "The individuality and intimacy I love about CI - the stuff that distinguishes it from AI - all gone tonight. Everybody was shouting at me, everybody was melisma-ing where personality should've shone through...and the song choices. Dear Roman, the song choices..."
Summary review by Shoebox and Joe Dwarf. |
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Islands of Unforgettable
Top 155/Top 85 - "Isn't this nice, I am thinking; nobody's staging an AI-style meltdown. Except Kaleb. Whoa."
Review by Shoebox with just a hint of Dwarf. |
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Welcome back, Zack. You too, Sass.
Auditions - "Y'know, it's really hard to take a declamation like 'I will continue to believe in my singing ability' seriously when the declamatee has little pink fuzzy barrettes in her hair. Just sayin'."
Review by Shoebox with a side of Dwarf. |
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