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Whatever you are willing to put up with,
is exactly what you will have.

 

ABUSE ~~ Verbal / Physical / Sexual
STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!!

The Top 10 Checklist Items for Determining Domestic Violence
by Carmen Stine, PhD(c)

Domestic violence is abusive behavior - emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual - that one person in an intimate relationship uses in order to control the other. Most domestic violence is committed against women by their male partners or ex-partners. It also occurs in lesbian and gay relationships and is common in teenage dating relationships. In a small number of cases, men are abused by female partners. The following checklist may help you decide if you or someone you know is being abused.

Does your partner:
1. Constantly criticize you or your abilities as a spouse or a partner, parent or employee?
2. Behave in an overprotective manner or become extremely jealous?
3. Threaten to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends or himself?
4. Prevent you from seeing family and friends?
5. Get suddenly angry or lose his temper?
6. Destroy personal property or throw things around?
7. Deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards, ATM card, car, or control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
8. Use intimidation or manipulation to control you or the children?
9. Hit, punch, slap, kick, shove, choke or bite you, the children, OR the family pets?
10. Make you have sex when you don't want to or do things sexually that you don't want to?

If you've answered yes; to ANY of these questions, you MAY be a victim of domestic violence. You are not to blame and you are not alone. Not all acts of domestic violence are violations of the law. But in any case, you need not face domestic violence alone. You deserve help, and help is available through the local police department, the court system, and shelters. There are advocates in almost every community that will help you with the legal and psychological support you need.

Abusive Men: A Characterization
(furnished by RENEW, a domestic violence and
sexual assault hotline in SW Colorado)

Many men who batter never see themselves or their behavior as violent or abusive. Often a mirror is needed to exhibit what is really happening. A friend can be most helpful to the batterer by exposing the violence and abuse of his behavior to the batterer by describing it.
AMEND (Abusive Men Exploring New Directions, Denver) offers this description for those who need such a mirror. It is only a characterization, but is offered to attach words to real life experience for abusive men. It tries to help answer the question "Why do men batter women?"

ONE: low self-esteem.

TWO: believes all the myths about the battering relationship, such as the woman "caused" the incident.

THREE: is a traditionalist at home, believing in male supremacy and the stereotyped masculine sex role of dominance in the family.

FOUR: blames others for his actions.

FIVE: is pathologically jealous.

SIX: presents a dual personality, alternating from extreme tenderness to extreme aggressiveness.

SEVEN: has severe stress reaction during which he often uses substances and/or wife abuse to cope.

EIGHT:may use sex as an act of aggression, frequently to enhance self-esteem in view of waning sexuality.

NINE: does not believe his violent behavior should have negative consequences.

Adapted from AWAKE Personalized Safety Plan ~ Boston,MA

PLEASE PRINT THE BELOW FORM, FILL OUT, AND KEEP IT IN A SAFE PLACE, for it's hard to think of everything when under stress. This is like preparing for a tornado that may never hit, but we never know.

Some Elements of a Safety Plan For
Someone Who Is Staying:

Pack a safety bag.
Establish a code system with friends/neighbors.
Establish a check-in system. (Tap friends the batterer does not know.)
Get extra house/car keys made and put them someplace accessible.
Put emergency phone numbers all over the house.
Teach your children what to do in an emergency.
Program the phone to dial emergency numbers.
Get a cordless phone.
Make sure there is gasoline in the car.
Plan where to go in a crisis by contacting a local hotline or shelter program.

When the "batterer" has left:

Change the locks.
Lock all windows.
Change your phone number.
Change the locks on the car.
Tell your neighbors what to do if they see your batterer nearby.
Have an overnight guest.
Get/borrow a barking dog.
Develop a code system with neighbors/friends.
       (the porch light, and/or garage lights, and/or patio lights are on if you are in trouble, etc.)
Alert the police that you are a victim of abuse.
Buy mace or pepper spray.
Document threats.
Look into acquiring an alarm necklace for "yourself".
Search the house for weapons you do not know about.
Establish a check-in system.
Pack a safety bag.
Keep a copy of your Restraining Order anywhere you might need it.
Change your daily routine.
Change your transportation routes.

Personalized Safety Plan / Safety During A Violent Incident
Adapted from RESPOND, Inc's training manual, Somerville, MA

If we are going to have an argument, I can try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as

___________________________________________________.
(Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside door)

If it is not safe to stay, I can

__________________________________________________________
( Practice how to get out safely ... what doors, windows, elevators, stairwells, or fire escapes would you use? )

I can keep my purse and car keys ready and put them ________

_____________________________ so that I can leave quickly.

I can tell ______________________ and ______________________ about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my home.

I can use ____________________ as my code word with my children and/or my friends so they can call for help. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department.

If I have to leave my home, I can go _________________________,

or ________________________, or ___________________________
( Decide this even if you don't think there will be a next time. )

Use your judgment. If the situation is very serious, give him/her what he/she wants to calm him/her down. You have to protect yourself until you (and your children) are out of danger. Always remember: You deserve better than this!

Safety When Preparing To Leave:

Battered women frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Leaving must be done strategically in order to increase safety. Batterers often strike back when they believe that a battered woman is leaving a relationship.

I can leave money and an extra set of keys with _________________

__________ so that I can leave quickly.

I can keep copies of important documents or keys and some extra clothes with _________________________________.

I can open a savings account to increase my independence.
(Preferably opened in a separate bank from the one that you and your partner use jointly.)

Other things I can do to increase my independence include:
_________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

The domestic violence program's hotline number is ___________________.

I can keep change for phone calls with me at all times. I understand that if I use my telephone credit card, the following month's telephone bill will tell my batterer those numbers that I called after I left.
To keep my telephone communications confidential, I can either use coins or I might get a friend to permit me to use his/her telephone credit card for a limited time when I first leave.

I can check with___________________ and ____________________ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend me some money.

I can sit down and review my safety plan every _______________ so that I know the safest way to leave my home. I can rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.

Remember: If you tell your partner that you'll leave him if he ever hits you again, think about whether you're giving him permission to hit you "just one more time."

Safety In My Own Residence:

If my partner no longer lives with me, I can take action to ensure my safety and my children's safety in my home. Safety measures I can use include:

I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible

I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors

I can install security systems, including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic alarm system, etc.

I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows

I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my home

I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to my home.

I can teach my children to _______________________________
__________ when I am not available.

I can inform___________________ and _____________________ about who has permission to pick up my children

I can teach my children how to use the telephone to make a collect call to me and to _______________________________________ in the event that my partner abducts them.

If my partner destroys my protective order, I can get another copy form the ___________________________________ District Court

What I Need To Take When I Leave:

Identification for myself (Driver's license, Children's birth certificates, My birth certificate)
Money
Lease, rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book
Bank books, Check books, Credit cards, Insurance papers,
Keys - house/car/office
Medications for me and my children
Small saleable objects
Address book
Pictures
Medical records - for all family members
Social Security cards
Welfare Identification
School records
Work permits
Green card, Passport(s)
Divorce papers
Jewelry
Children's favorite toys and/or blankets
Items of special sentimental value.
(I can keep the items concerning me in one location. If I have to leave in a hurry, I can grab those items quickly.)

NEVER go back home to "pick up a few things"
unless accompanied by a police officer.

IMPORTANT TELEPHONE NUMBERS:

Police Department (home): ____________________

Police Department (school):____________________

Police Department (office): ____________________

Battered Women's Program: ___________________

Shelter: ____________________

Other: ____________________

Safety On The Job And In Public:

I can inform ___________________ and ______________________ and _____________________ at work of my situation.
(I can use voicemail, the receptionist, or a coworker to help screen my telephone calls at work.)
When leaving work, I can:

________________________________________________________
If problems occur when I am driving home, I can:

________________________________________________________
If I use public transportation, I can:

________________________________________________________
I can also:

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Safety With A Protective Order:

I can keep my protective order ______________________________.
(Always keep it on or near your person. If you change purses, that is the first thing that should go in.)

If my partner breaks the protective order, I can:

________________________________________________________

If the police are not responsive, I can:

________________________________________________________

I can inform ___________________ and __________________ that I have a protective order in effect.

If my partner destroys my protective order, I can get another copy from the __________________________________   District Court.

Safety And My Emotional Health:

If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can:
________________________________________________________.

When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can:
________________________________________________________.

I can try to use positive self-talk with myself and be assertive with others.

I can tell myself that I don't deserve to be beaten whenever I feel others are trying to control or abuse me.

I can read ________________________________ to help me feel stronger.

I can call _____________________ and ________________________ and ________________________ as additional resources to support me.

National 24-Hour Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Please visit our "911 Links" page for helpful web sites.

PLEASE CLICK ON THE BELOW "NEXT" BUTTON FOR IMPORTANT STEPS TO FOLLOW WHEN ENDING AN ABUSIVE SITUATION

STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!

  
 


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