The link for your website was sent to me by a dear lady friend, and I think it's about time someone afforded women AND men the opportunity to see just how manipulative some men and women are, and how to deal with these HI-TECH LEECHES.
Thank you ... Jack / Chicago
In the wake of some misunderstandings around the failure of men to speak out against the abuses of male perpetrators of violence upon women and girls, I feel it incumbent upon me to make my position very clear as regards another, more subtle, yet nevertheless insidious form of abuse by certain males. This is not always violent (to be sure), but is notwithstanding, it is hurtful, malevolent, and maleficent. I, of course, am speaking of "players" who ply their talents of seduction and persuasion for their own selfish purposes whilst at the same time making sure they have a cadre of women who defend and protect them from exposure and condemnation.
Without going into the specifics of any individuals (some of whom I have had the loathsome opportunity to confront online) and who generally cause me to leave a chatroom upon their entry, I want to say that I have nothing but contempt for these individuals, like any others, whose behavior is Predatory. They are an anathema to me and lower than the beasts of the field and reptiles of the dust, irrespective of how suave their demeanor or their level of intelligence. The cruelty with which they treat others in their relentless satisfying of their selfish
lust makes me sick and engenders within my otherwise fairly tolerant personality, complete and utter revulsion.
Even though I am not a female, I think these so-called players need to stop and get a grip on real life because they are hurting some souls out there. The next time you want to play, think ... someone else just may be playing your divorced/widowed mother, sister, daughter, or other loved one.
signed ... Jerry / TN
First of all, I would like to commend you on what you are doing with web site. Many women are hurt by so-called honest and truthful men online. Not only women, but men also are hurt.
I think by sharing experiences from other women, (RE: Online Women Speak Out) your visitors are able to see they are not alone and do not feel they are the only ones to be fooled by deceivers and con men.
My fiancee and I met online some time ago and are very much in love. However, we, like many others, live very
far apart. We are making plans now for me to move to her
area. I am the only one who has that option at this time.
There ARE honest and sincere men online, searching for
happiness in their lives also. Marriage is definitely in
OUR future also. There CAN be a happy ending.
There are some very sincere and honest men out here who are truly searching for the right mate and happiness for
their future also. Because of those not-so-few liars and cheats, us honest men have such a hard time. More men need to see this site, that way they would understand why, in their attempt to befriend a female on line, they hit a stone wall at times. I wanted you to know that there ARE men out here that dislike what players are doing as much as you do.
I believe what you are trying to do with your web site helps very much for women. Do not stop. To some women, you are the only source of knowledge they have. Please do not give up on what you are doing here. It is needed badly by some.
Sincerely, A Concerned Male
To the women who use screen names like ..... SexyBod4U .... just what type of man do you think that name is going to draw??? Only online riff-raff. With names/titles like that, you're fishing at, and only gonna get, the bottom of the barrel.
There are way too many good people on the net. You are helping a few of those who have been hurt. You and I both know that it is easy to fall in love with someone on the net. All of the outside interferences and distractions are removed. In honesty, without a hidden agenda, it is the purest form of communication ... one mind with another. Unfortunately, there are those who know this and use it to hurt others. You have opened a forum where those who have been hurt can vent their feelings. That is the first step in the process of healing. You provide a valuable platform where stories can be shared and warnings given. I applaud you for that. Keep up the good work.
~ LETTER RECEIVED FROM AN ADMITTED PLAYER ~
Hello, Miz Sara
Like a lot of guys, I got a wife who's let herself go and gotten fat and ain't all that interested in sex no more. So I turned to my computer to get my cookies.
The first few times I went to a chat room, I just watched. Then following what I had seen, I typed on the screen, "Any ladies looking for a serious relationship?" Before I could even type the next sentence, I had 3 women IMing me. I picked the one that seemed hardest up for a man.
Well, I played it smooth when we met in a private room for a week or so, sweet-talking her. Then I started asking her about trying a little cybersex. She agreed to cause she said she loved me. Married 14 years and I haven't lost my charm. :) And it couldn't been her first time to cyber because her typing was really turning me on. This cybersex's not bad...and there's no tell-tale numbers on the phone bill like with phonesex. And it's ain't like I'm cheating on the wife. There's no physical contact.
Anyways, we had cybersex almost every night. But after a couple of months, it started to get old and she was bugging me to give her my phone number. No way in hell was I gonna give her mine. With my luck she'd call when the wife was home and then she would have another thing to b*tch about.
So I decided it was time to change screen names and find another cyber babe. It was easy: another chat room, another pickup line, and I was back in business.
And you broads blame us guys for being players??? C'mon. Get real. If it's offered on a silver platter, you'd better believe we're gonna go for it. And with that I'll leave on my favorite quote ... "Ignorance is your own fault". Good day, Miz Sara
WOMEN'S RESPONSES RECEIVED TO ABOVE LETTER:
RESPONSE #1 ... This is in response to the "cyberstud" who wrote in to "enlighten" all of us as to why women are such easy prey to players in cyberspace....
1) I wonder why his wife is no longer interested in sex? Hmmmmm. I could sure think of some probabilities here. I'm willing to bet that "Mr. HotNutz" is about as thrilling in the bedroom as a rock ... and has bad breath, too. Get a clue here, guys. Your nudie books and cyber porn may be an aphrodisiac for you but they do very little for your wife when they are used as a substitute for tenderness & foreplay.
2) As to why she has "let her self go?" Hmmmmm. Having children can wreak havoc on a woman's body but more than likely this condition stems from a low self-esteem. Hmmmmm, I wonder how she got this low self-esteem. (and btw, I'm willing to bet that "Mr HotNutz" is no prize package either)
3) Dear "Mr. HotNutz", the women who read and follow the advice at this web site are not the cyber-floozies who are falling over themselves to have a ride on your blown-up, ego-inflated "manhood". We are women who have gotten wise to slimey losers such as yourself. Just remember, pal ... what goes around - comes around. My sincere condolences to your wife. Good Day.
RESPONSE #2 ... As I read and re-read the words of this player, it occurred to me that he probably suffers from a type of male impotence, most likely premature ejaculation. Isn't it amazing how men blame women for their own problems? I noticed how, instead of talking to his wife and keeping the channels of communication open with her, he showed his complete lack of integrity by disregarding her feelings and focusing on his own needs. I noticed that he actually blames her for his inability to love! He exhibits immaturity and lack of intelligence. Sadly, men like this are unable to face up to their own inability to be responsible adults, and don't have a clue what real love is about. What a shame.
RESPONSE #3 ... I just had to respond to the Letter from a Player as it made me sick. How dare these jerks have the nerve to think we are so desperate that we will settle for an online affair. And I hate the "wife got fat" thing. Most of the men I have seen let themselves go after marriage and also gain 30 to 40 lbs. They don't have the babies. So what's their excuse???
NOTE: In the below commentaries, Larry and Steve provide insight into how a man views online relationships so we can LEARN and have a better understanding of the male mystique. Men and women view things/think differently ... that's a fact. Men CAN have a online relationship and it not go any further ... they're not as emotional as women. In short, they both advise women to keep their emotions in check until the guy proves out.
* * * * * *
What Fighting Back does for women on-line is a great service, and I respect that. There are women on line (and men) who haven't the mental ability to separate the two realities and actually need her warnings and advice.
To me on-line is just a way to relax and let off steam. To me it is less than "real". However emotional someone can become in an on-line thing, the fact still remains that unless they are face to face, and actually doing something about the typed "words" in real life, then it is mostly a fake reality.
In society, what is acceptable behavior to some will be repulsive to others of a different regional area, religion, or background. All too many people on here cannot separate their personal feelings or beliefs or even accept that social concept.
Example:
I find the game playing that is done on here where people think and act as if they are "white wolves" (vampires) extremely repulsive. But to others this is found to be acceptable. The same way with a man flirting with a woman, or having cyber sex, etc. Some find that wrong ... I see it as basically a way for two people to cope with an inner need and play out something that they would never do in real life. Basically harmless and in many ways therapeutic.
Another consideration to keep in mind:
women get upset if their man looks at a picture of another woman (i.e., Porn). They feel that they are not good enough to keep their man totally interested in them. What they seem to forget and cannot get through their minds is that it is only a picture and she still has him in her bed. Men are "visual" and need that stimulus at times. It has little at all to do with her or their relationship. Would she rather have him trying to see the real thing instead of a picture?
* * * * * *
The below statement is really out of line--it's hard to believe that an otherwise intelligent person (maybe I assume too much), would even consider making that statement.
..."Sara, I got your web site from someone in genealogy chat. You do a service for women of all ages. Women are no match for players because we are not born with the instinct to lie and cheat. Our instinct is to love and protect. We trust and in return we are betrayed. Then we are made to feel stupid because we believed in mankind. Thanks for all you do"...
It not only insults men, but in doing so it also portrays women as helpless beings at the mercy of the male population.Case in point: "Women are no match for players because we are not born with the instinct to lie and cheat. Our instinct is to love and protect." This simply--and patently untrue. Statement says two things:
(1st) women are born pure and "snow white", and men are born as liars and cheaters. As most of you know (I hope), 90% of what we "are" (personality) is more due to environment and upbringing than inherited traits (outside of how we look of course, right handed, left handed, etc.) The assumption in this statement that women are good and men are not is ludicrous at best.
(2nd) The 1st part of the statement "women are no match for players" assumes (wrongly) that women are somehow inherently not capable of independent thought on their own, and whenever a "player" comes along they simply have no defense. I'm amazed that someone actually said that--even more amazed that ANYONE believes it.
I won't even comment on the "instinct to love and protect" part -- which seems coincidentally to overlook fathers, husbands, brothers, etc.
In regard to another statement: "We trust and in return we are betrayed. Then we are made to feel stupid because we believed in mankind". I'm wondering if "mankind" refers to the human population as a whole or just the "man" part of it? And how does being "betrayed" in love or relationships relate to believing in mankind???
Anyway, maybe if SOME (not all) women took a little responsibility for their OWN actions instead of blaming their problems on others, this might not happen as often. I totally agree that women get "played" more often than men -- but there are instances (not so rare as you might think) that women "play" men also.
In closing, I have to say that anyone, at any time, can simply say NO and just click off. I think that although men are usually the aggressors in these online relationships, women also have to accept at least part (half?) of the responsibility. Men are NOT capable of complete control through a computer screen -- someone HAS to "let them in". Larry
Online romances can and do work. I am an example of one of them. I was married for 25 years and my cyber love 22. It would not have worked out had we both been happy in our marriages.
We initially met online because she was helping me to find a place to relocate in an attempt to save my marriage, and she was also helping me look for business opportunities. I had tried counseling and was advised to get my wife away from the influence of her family. Her refusal to move and her invitation for me to leave if I didn't like it came once too often.
After I left, my cyber love was extremely supportive. I relocated to the area I had been considering, and after about a month my cyber love moved in with me. We have been together over two years now and have a wonderful relationship. I call her my cyber love because we are still together on line. We are a two computer couple and share a group of online friends, many of whom we have met in the real world. Many a night we communicate between the physical rooms we are in by IMs.
I do not say this type of relationship can happen to everyone. First, be honest with yourself and your feelings. Then be honest with your cyber love. If things mesh, then all the better, but if they don't, the encounter was not a waste of time as long as something was learned from it. And above all, don't feel guilty. Guilt is something we are taught from birth. It covers everything that we do which does not conform to someone else's expectations. Only feel guilty in continuing in a relationship which does not meet up to your expectations, both on line and in the real world. It is no easier to keep a relationship that has developed on line than it is to keep one developed by "conventional" means. Both take committment and work.
If You Think your Live-In Lover/Hubby is Having An Online Fling
Advice On How to Handle It From a Male's Perspective
Do not resort to "spyware". The types of devices and software that can monitor a PC are easily detected by someone that has computer knowledge and skills. The most common software available to the average person "slows down" the operation of the PC and is detectable to even the novice user.
Instead, talk to him and share your concerns. Ask him for complete access to the network and his information. If all you are concerned about is that he may be flirting or playing online, then be open with your concerns and ask him for his password and give him yours. See what he says. If he is hiding something from you, or is actually doing something "wrong", then his reaction will show more then what he is hiding. Also, you may want to consider that if you did install something and he found it ... what feelings will you hurt in this attempt to spy on him if he IS NOT doing anything wrong? How small are you going to feel? And most important, how much damage is it going to do to your relationship??? Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship/marriage, friendship second, and lots of great sex (a man speaking here -- LOL) third.
There may be a small amount of hesitation that may come from him in his reply when you ask him. If he has spent a great deal of time and money setting up his equipment (his hobby), then to him in a way you are invading his space and he will react to that and you could misunderstand that reaction for something else. Guys look at hobbies and toys differently then women do. Please keep that in mind when you judge his reaction. Remember boys never grow up, their toys just get more expensive. - LOL
As difficult as it is for a woman to understand a man and his thoughts, or better yet, misunderstand his thoughts, unless he is actually meeting a person off-line, having an affair and doing those typed "words", then I wouldn't worry. But this is a man telling a woman not to worry -- yeah right, almost as easy as to try to tell her not to breath... :o)
I think women even worry if they don't worry enough - (ducking now) LOL
Bottom-line: Using a spy tool should be the LAST resort to this type of situation.
Safe computing to all you ladies, Steve
If you too would like to offer some insight, you can do so in our Guestbook or send an email to: FightingBack@aol.com
Page 2 - MORE TO COME
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