Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. No, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection???

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

~ THE GUYS' RESPONSE TO THE ABOVE ~

W  O  M  E  N ! ! !
- author unknown -

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you not, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that's a woman's way.

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time".
If she is visited by another woman, "Oh it's natural, we are girls."
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction.
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared at by other men, she says that they are just admiring her.

If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short:

So simple, yet so complex;
So weak, yet so powerful;
So confusing, yet so desirable;
So damning, yet soooo wonderful!!!

~ GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND ~
By Wayne Edwards, October 1999

Grandma's got a boyfriend;
He's really quite a gent
Though he walks a little crooked
And his fingers are all bent.

When he comes to call on Grandma,
He smells of wintergreen,
But he always brings her flowers
And he treats her like a queen.

His hair goes 'round his head
Like a snowy Christmas wreath,
And sometimes when he sneezes
Out pop all his teeth.

He wears two hearing aids,
They whistle and they ring.
Grandma's canary likes them
'Cause they always make him sing.

They were meant for one another
Becomes clearer as time passes.
They say it must be fate
'Cause they can wear each other's glasses.

But I think why Grandma likes him
Even though he looks such a sight,
Is 'cause his hips are both original
And he can drive at night!

BE SURE TO ALSO VISIT "PRIDE IN BEING A WOMAN"
THE COMPANION PAGE TO "REAL MEN"



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