POETRY

SHE

She sleeps inside the wounds that time has inflicted on her soul. The flowers on her windowsill are dead. She wakes up, clinging to her bed. Lost, cold, and empty in her head, she's so afraid to open her eyes and start another day.

Everything that hurts is happening again. Fucking memories. Why can't she forget? Finally she moves and reaches for her cigarettes, not noticing her hand is shaking. Only aware of how weak she feels, so tired... Inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale.

Better now, the room's not spinning and her mind is beginning to erase all conscious knowledge of her dreams, reducing them to a few blurry scenes, which no longer held any real meaning. And this is how her every day begins... attempting to kill off the feelings that she holds in, trying not to come apart again.

Gathering all her power, she rises, takes a shower, scrubs every inch of her flesh, yet she still feels so filthy. She steps outside to soak in the warm sunlight. She reaches up to the sky, wishing she could just fly away. Where was God to lift her up? She closes her eyes and wondered once again if there really is such a thing as a warm place.

Then time moved on and so did she, flowing through ever-changing scenes that happened to be her life. She hopes one day to find meaning. Something to believe in. Something to keep it all from coming apart.

She used to think that what they had was love. It used to feel so good to feel his touch. She was so dumb as to believe he was someone who actually gave a fuck about who she really was.

Once upon a time it was all in the name of play, but then he removed his painted face and she chalked up yet another disgrace. And one night she started to cry after he was done with what he called making love. He pinched her nipple, said he wouldn't let go until she shut up. He was trying to sleep. Now she just layed there, an empty shell, mind in hell, soul nailed to his cross and the bleeding wouldn't stop and she's as numb as she ever wanted to be. And every second is eternity by his side, now that what once seemed to almost heal... now makes her feel sick inside. She wished she was deaf, dumb, and blind... and dead.

She curls up in a ball as the bowling ball in her stomach began to expand and became so cold it started to burn. She yearned to fall asleep, to escape the sound of his breathing and the scent of his, that now covered her flesh. But a lesson she's learned well is that there's no such thing as sleep in hell.

She knows he'll be pissed and that meant she'd get hit yet again, but she had to go. So just before the sun rose, she rose, and slipped on her clothes and slipped out of the nightmare and headed straight for the field of flowers.

She sat barefoot in the grass, gently rubbing the petals of the flower in her hand. Once again, she sat in amazement of how much easier it is when you're holding a flower, not to feel the pain... how much easier it is to make all those thoughts just go away. They have always been something she could let herself truly love. Something she could hold onto that didn't ever shove her down, make her hate herself, feel dirty, and confused. Flowers didn't use or abuse or make empty promises and lies. They just were. And they were so beautiful... so fragile.

She smiled as she thought of this, as she raised it to her lips, as she gave it a kiss. She loved them so much, she wished that they could only love her back. But then she realized they gave her something much deeper than that.

She breathed in her favorite scent as a tear rolled slowly out of the corner of her eye, down her cheek. It was time for her to leave, to go back home, back to Satan's hole. One last look at everything she loved, as they struggled for their place in the sun, and she was gone... and all the flowers hung just a lil' bit lower.

And as she neared her house, water began falling from the sky. It occurred to her how much she used to love the way it all came clean in the rain, but now, even the rain felt dirty. Her blood chilled as her temple of madness came into view. She hated it. It's not supposed to be like this. You're supposed to be happy when you make it home. It's supposed to be somewhere you belong, not supposed to be so cold.

She was sitting on the corner of her bed, doing her nails in red, singing quietly along with Tori, when he walked in. The crooked smile on his face said it was time for her punishment. And asshole loved it. She does his favorite thing when she does something wrong. And this time she was very bad. She made a decision without his permission.

"So where the fuck did you go?"

She was so gripped with fear, she didn't even really hear the words as they slurred out of his mouth. But she didn't have to. She'd been through this so many times before....

"No..." she had to clear her throat... "Nowhere."

"Don't give me that shit, you stupid bitch. I woke up and you weren't there so obviously you fuckin' went somewhere."

"I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk to get some fresh air, then decided to come home and try to sleep in my own bed, okay?" She wasn't really paying attention to what she said. The words just rolled out of her mouth now. But it doesn't matter what she says. It will end the same as always.

"No... no, that's not okay. You're a cunt, remember? You don't have a fucking brain. You don't decide shit. You know you don't leave until I decide I don't want your ugly ass around. I can't fucking believe you. You know what I have to do when you don't listen! Why can't you fucking learn? Why do you keep making me hurt you?"

She used to believe him when he said things like that. That it was somehow her fault when he got mad. She couldn't help it. Not after living with her father for so long. But now she had finally realized how blind she was. He got mad because he was a drunk piece of shit that used her to feel strong. He hadn't noticed what she's listening to and he was cussing even more than usual, which meant he was even drunker than usual, which meant what she was about to do was even more dangerous. But she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't end up like her mother and have children that would have to live through this. So she forced the words up through her throat and threw them at him...

"Get out."

"What?! What the fuck did you just say??"

He moved even closer... striking distance now. Now she could smell the alcohol. And she just sat staring straight ahead in a daze, her mind in a place where the fear of pain and death was out weighed by the need for life, and repeated herself. And this time the words just flowed out.

"Get out. Just please get out. I fucking hate you. You could never love anything. You just own and destroy. I'm sick of being your broken toy. You and my father are nothing but sick fucking bastards, so get the fuck out and stay the fuck away from me."

It felt so good to finally begin to remove the thorns in her heart, it hardly even fazed her when it came, even though it was the first time he'd ever hit her in the face, and she was now sprawled across the bed from the force of it.

"You fucking whore! You stupid fucking dirtly lil' whore. After all I've done for you, all that I've given you, and now you want me to leave? Fine. Fine, I'll fuckin' go. You're nothing but a worthless cunt anyway."

He spit on her motionless body and staggered out of the room. And for a moment she thought she was free. For a moment it felt so good to be. And she had gotten away so easily. She was sure she'd be dead if she ever said what she did... but he was gone and she was breathing happily. But then she heard his and her father's drunken laughter downstairs. Then she remembered this was far from over. Then she noticed the nail polish on her cover. Then she started to cry. And she was shaking so much she could hardly get up or walk to her dresser or open the drawer or pull out the razor she hid ther long before.

"...but i haven't seen barbados, so i must get out of this..."

She dropped the razor and quickly followed it to the floor where she lay sobbing, as Tori asked for life, for pain, for herself again. Her dreams were shattered by the power of his voice. That ice cold angry noise that wilted all the flowers on her heart.

"Get up now! And what the fuck are you doing down there? I didn't spend money on a bed so that you could sleep on the floor... And what the hell? Did you get blood on my blanket? Get up, God damn it. What is this shit?"

Finally she opened her eyes to him towering over her, her cover in his hand, glaring down on a small red stain.

"It's..." she cleared her throat..."its nail polish. I accidently spilled some when I was doing my nails... I'm sorry, daddy."

"Sorry? Of course you're fucking sorry. You're always sorry. Well you know what? I'm sorry..." he threw the blanket down on top of her, "sorry I didn't beat your mother til your fucking fetus fell out from between her legs. Now get the fuck up and get ready for school. And Tom is coming over for dinner when we get off work so you can apoligize for the way you treated him last night." He slammed the door shut on his way out.

THE WAY IT HAS TO BE

This is the way it has to be.

There's nothing left for that boy to say.

He had it all and threw it away.

Don't blame me, dear, for your matinae.

Dreams have been lost over the years.

Fantasies played out over and over again.

Always practicing kissing on your hand.

Never really had a single best friend.

But this is the way it must be.

Now you have someone and I'm clinging on to nothing.

No more tears of joy to cry about.

No more lies to ponder up or excuses to say.

Get a mind of your own and they all pay.

The price is something you couldn't afford.

That gurl who now has Jesus Christ hanging on her wall.

A beautiful face watching her get laid.

It's 3:06 and he is alone.

More alone than one could imagine.

He hates his friends. They're all clones.

But he never claimed his own sacred identity.

Time goes on and so does the heart.

Two different people in two different worlds.

The gurl who fucks and the boy who cries.

Son, you can do things better than whine.

It's time to let the past go.

The future is dark and scary.

Everything is so unpredictable.

But the boys.... they were always so lovable.

This is the way it has to be.

Let it go and wander off.

The gurl is lost and looking for love.

But how can she find love between her legs that way?

The boy is sad and heart broken.

Mama's pride and joy.... daddy's token.

Lil' things that rip you apart.

Rip Van Winkle is a fucking lie.

All the things that broke your heart.

"It's time to move on," he finally said and smiled.

GURL

The gurl that loved you is no longer here.

She has left it all and gone far away.

Yesterday, you thought you saw her....

Standing there with open arms, waiting for you to embrace her smile.

But when you went, you just fell through thin air.

Now you look back and feel all her pain.

That gurl was crazy -- crazy for you.

You didn't understand that so you left before she could leave you.

And no one could ever feel so blue because she now has you trapped under her spell.

That's just what she wanted. You're under her spell.

She wants you to cry so you cry everynight.

You don't know why.... you just cry your eyes out.

She's got you trapped good and tight.

No escape... Now she has you.

Finally she has caught up with your fucking games.

You walk outside and hear her name.

Who said it?

No one's around.

Over the hill is her morbid palace where she sleeps at night all by herself.

Whatever she does, she's by herself.

Wherever she goes, she's by herself.

You now wish you were there with her.

But this time the joke has has been played on you.

Your weren't so heavenly true.

You deserve all the shit that's coming to you.

WISHES

I wish I had just someone...

Someone to understand.

I wish I had just someone...

Someone to be my true friend.

I wish I would have known...

the things that I know now.

I wish I could have shown...

our love, for it could have been flown.

I wish I could change...

change the things you hate about me.

But then I wouldn't be me.

But I wish I could love me for me.

I wish I could love myself...

whoever that may be.

I wish I had some self esteem,

but then I wish I weren't me.

I wish I could run away,

but then I wish I could stay.

I wish I could fix everything broken.

but I also wish the fixed would turn into nothing.

I wish I had a life...

but then I wish I weren't born.

I wish I could take back every broken promise that was sworn.

I wish I could be stable.

I wish I could be able...

to stop making wishes and love me for me.

I AM HER

You were more than just something to me.

You were my fucking fantasy.

A lil' dream world I made up.

Next time I fall, please shut me up.

I let you in to fuck me up again.

And yes, I am her.

The gurl you have betrayed.

She lived in a palace surrounded by rosebuds.

She invited you in but not to play...

don't play with her mind this way.

But she kept you still in her heart.

You grew in her and she didn't wanna tear it apart.

"People like this don't come everyday of my life," she said.

"This is real... this is nice..."

Sooner or later it would happen.

The expected at the most un-expected time.

Just when everything was perfect.

Just when she fell in deep.

You became the unforgiving creep.

"Why do they always leave?" she said.

And this time she wished she were really dead.

Never going back... never to see him again.

If only she could learn to love herself again..

You promised we'd be together forever, but oh, doesn't everyone?

SCREAMS OF PAIN

It's the same shit, day by day.

I wish I had someone to wash this pain way.

You're so fucking beautiful, but you don't have a mind.

I need someone to love, something to look foward to.

My life is such a bore, while you go out in the world and explore.

I'm screaming inside for someone to care.

I feel nothing. I feel numb.

It's not fair that you're happy.

You have a life while I'm just a bum.

My soul is tortured. You have a lot do to with that now.

I wish I could watch everyone go down.

I'd be above them, grinning from ear to ear.

Can't you hear?

My screams of pain.

You don't know what real pain is.

You don't know what real love is.

I wish I had the world in my hand.

I'd throw it down, kill them all.

I wanna see the fear in your eyes.

I wanna hear all your fucking cries.

I wanna watch you die.

No dear, we can't compromoise.

It's too late for trying again.

We are two different souls in two different worlds.

Now I see who you really are.

You still don't know me. You never did.

Never will cuz you don't care.

You're deaf and you can't hear...

My screams of pain.

I'm screaming inside for someone to love me.

But no one listens. I guess the world's deaf.

All deaf and dumb.

And I guess I'm insensitive cuz I feel numb.

I'm just waiting for my Prince Charming.

I try to forget, but I can't.

Childhood lost, lost loves.

It's all lost. I have no hope. I have no faith.

So all I do is mope.

And scream inside. Can't anyone hear?

Deaf and dumb.

Screams of my pain.

INSANITY

I see your tears.

They're tears of my pain.

You are what I fear.

You called me insane.

We could share eachother's soul.

But I'm long gone.

I have no soul.

Don't have sympathy for me.

I don't need your bullshit.

You don't even understand me.

You don't even understand me.

It's all your fault.

You need someone to blame.

Take it all out on her.

She didn't do a thing.

You're the one insane.

SINNER'S ROMANCE

Something tore up inside me and it threw me away.

I can't think of the words just how to say.

What is this.... this feeling of shame.

I regret nothing but playing that game.

All the things you used to do.

You never thought I could catch up with you.

But time passed and I got ahead.

I sped my way through your head.

I fucked you up, I threw you out.

I'm happy now as I see you pout.

Mr. Jim Morrison wanna-be just watch the world spin around.

Sing that Deftones' song that starts "This town..."

No looking back now. This time it's over.

I can't believe I finally put you under.

CLEVER

You walked into my dream... all nice and soft.

You were everything you ever seemed... all nice and soft.

You came into my life very lightly like a spark.

It was your gentle hand that reached in and touched my heart.

It's something about you that I need near.

Your voice I long to hear.

Take me away. We could escape the pain.

Together as one, dancing in the rain.

Never leave... Please never leave.

Stay awhile and let us see.

See what will happen with this love.

See what will happen from the fate set above.

I'll always remember your gentle soul.

Even if you do have to go....

Go slowly... one day at a time.

Don't look back. Please don't come back.

For if you go, then you must leave forever.

I'll never want to see you hurt again, darling clever.

HELL

Dark clouds hover above the sky.

Beware, her temper is a flair... Don't ask why.

How often must this happen?

The world can be so cruel.

When all you want to do is hear a warm remark.

His mouth is cold and full of hate.

Be strong they say... but is it too late?

No... No way... you're still here, aren't you?

I've been through hell and back again and now I'm standing here bolder than I've ever been.

The world will put you down and make you feel rotton and deseased, but beware... she is back with all her flair.

Don't let your flame burn out.

Hold on to the torch.

You may get scorched, but you will come out of it braver than you'll ever know.

Don't let go.....