When you're a little kid and a car drives by and splashes you, you have to make a decision whether to go back home and risk being late for school, or to go to school in wet clothes. So while he was deciding, I drove by and splashed him again.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a little boy playing with dolls, as long as he makes them fight.
If the bark is the skin of the tree, then what are the acorns? You don't want to know.
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."
Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves?
It's too bad that the power of tornados cannot be harnessed somehow, and then stored, and then released in the form of powerful, swirling winds which could somehow be used for useful purposes.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
It's probably a good thing they didn't have baseball in the Middle Ages, because a lot of games might have been "plagued out."
Many people would have given up on the town. But we decided to stay. Stay, and make fun of the things they were trying to do to make the town better, because we couldn't afford to leave and we really didn't want to help out.
I'd like to see a human skull caught in a spider web, because it's either a real strong spiderweb or a real light skull.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
If you ever visit the world of the future and their heads are much larger than ours, don't try to make your head look larger by wearing a Styrofoam helmet or something. Really, you're just making us all uncomfortable.
Some days you don't notice the little things in life. But some days you do, and those are the days that will drive you nuts.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much that he made a woman out of dirt and he married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven-- with a gun."
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
It's true that every time you hear a bell ring an angel gets it's wings. What they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap an angel gets set on fire.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea, but it's just eggs hatching.
Of all the causes of astronaut insanity, getting a fly caught inside your space helmet is probably in the top three.
A person doesn't automatically earn my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
I hope someday that archaeologists find an ancient ventriloquist's dummy, because it'll make us realize these people were more advanced than we thought.
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he' carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I hope that if I'm ever loading an atom bomb onto a plane, and I see a snail attached to the bomb, I will brush him off, because he doesn't need to get involved in this.
You get the feeling that if Superman ever came and visited Tarzan, at first they'd get along real well. But then Superman would be thinking, How can you live like this?
I cannot be truly happy until others around me are happy. And others cannot be happy until someone fixes the TV.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
One thing that annoys a hillbilly more than anything else is if he's got his mind set on a tater, but when he gets home he gets a tomater.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car-- I forget what kind it was-- and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
It's easy to go get some lumber and nails and a saw and try to build something. Anybody can do that. But what's hard is to try to take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing.
When I go fishing, I don't have time to worry about things like who am I or did I know this was private property or where my license is. The only thing I want to worry about is who is going to help me get my car out of this flower garden.
Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-- until I realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!
Sometimes it's fun just to hop in the old boat and take the family out for a spin on the lake, even if it's not your family and it's not your boat, and everyone's screaming for you to stop.
Probably one of the health hazards of panning for gold is possible damage from something called "pan glare."
If you're a tightrope walker, I bet one thing that really makes you mad is if you're walking on your rope and something goes flying by, and then later on you find out you were almost hit by the human Cannonball.
Probably the worst thing about being a Wild West garbage man was that you were always getting in shoot-outs with people you woke up.
Beginner barbarians probably had the idea that every house they broke into would be full of untouched loot and frightened, unharmed victims. It just doesn't work that way, my friend.
As I skipped the rock across the lake, I thought, My life is a lot like that rock. It bounces up and down and then hits a scuba diver right in the face mask.
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
If you're being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you're also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn't really change things. Just keep on running.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
As I looked down at my reflection in the water, I realized how silly and froggish I look. Then my reflection seemed to croak at me and "hop" away.
The thing about sending smoke signals is, after a while you don't even care what you're saying. Let's just get it over with.
As I felt the soft cool mud squish between my toes, I though Man, these are not very good shoes.
It seems like so many lost civilizations forgot the one rule that might have saved them: Don't let vines grow all over you.
Whenever I'd ask Dad about sex, he'd put his fingers in his ears and start talking real loud. I found out later that that's part of sex, but there are other things, too.
If you ever fall off the Sears tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I remember when I was a kid we were afraid to swim in this one pond because there was supposed to be a big snapping turtle in it. But one day Timmy Barker decided he was going to swim across it. Well, he shouldn't have done that, because he got about halfway across when we all started throwing rocks at him. I think he also got bit by the turtle, but it was hard to tell.
When I looked up and saw the hawk floating through the air I thought, He doesn't have a care in the world. But when I looked up and saw my pants floating through the air I thought, How'd that happen?
One summer I was a lifeguard. I wasn't paid or anything, but whenever I saw somebody that looked like they needed help, I'd jump in and pull them out. Also people that I didn't think were swimming the right way. The real lifeguard tried to make me stop, but I think that was because I put up a big sign that said NUMBER OF PEOPLE SAVED by him and me, and he had only saved like two.
When we would go for a drive in the family car, I used to love to stick my head out the window, until one time we passed an oncoming car and my head knocked off a dog's head.
I guess Mom was always the peacemaker of the family. She'd yell and scream for everyone to be peaceful, and if we weren't she'd start throwing things against the wall.
There are things I regret saying to people, but I guess the thing I regret most is telling Don that I'd come help him move his furniture this weekend.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
The only magician who's better than me, thought Lazlo, is Houdini. The trouble was, he was much, much better. As Lazlo struggled to get out of the straightjacket, he vowed that if he ever got loose he would shoot the guy who invented it, if he could ever figure out how to put the bullets in his gun.
If I could live back in any time in history, I think I'd live back in the Adam and Eve days, because, hey, Nude Land.
What would annoy me if a space visitor ever came to our planet would be if he kept talking about things in "his world." Your world? We don't give a flying hoot about your world.
The main problem with water-skiing is you could get your arms jerked clear off, and by the time they find them to sew them back on, they've been nibbled on pretty good by the bluegills.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmmm boy.
I remember the time Billy McCabe and I wanted to go fishing, but we didn't have any worms for bait and we didn't have any money to buy worms at the bait shop. That's when we decided to dig our own worms. But where would be get a shovel? Dad said we could borrow his, if we put it back. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I said. "This is getting way too complicated."
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
If you are caught outside during a hurricane, and you need to grab onto a tree trunk, try to find a cork tree. (They're softer, and will better absorb involuntary head butts.) If you cannot find a cork tree, stretch out your arms and try to fly away.
It's funny, but I used to go fishing more often with Grandma than with Grandpa. We'd just take off in the boat and leave Grandpa on shore, cussing and yelling. I think that most of the time he thought it was a pretty good joke. One time, when grandma and I weren't paying attention, the boat drifted in close to shore, and grandpa started swimming out to us, but we just took off again.
I bet one of Dracula's least favorite games is croquet, and not just because of the wooden stakes. It just doesn't move fast enough for him.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Sometimes I think you have to act like a man. I agree with that. But when and where and how, that's the part I can't figure out.
They probably won't send Superman to hell, even if he deserves it, because he'd just be breaking things and bending things. Just let him go.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
I only played hooky one time, so I'll never forget it. I hid in the bushes right outside my classroom. And since the window was open, I could hear the teacher, so I went ahead and took notes. When the teacher asked a question, I raised my hand, but she couldn't see me.
I learned from a young age that books can be your friends. But guess what can be your enemy: a globe.
I guess I don't mind beavers being as busy as they are, but sometimes it seems like they're just flaunting it.
When Marta called me a wimp, my first response was a strong desire to cry. But then I got so angry I mumbled out, "I guess I am."
I remember the first time I ever saw a shooting star. I said, "What the hell is that?" But nowadays when I see one I just saw, "What is that?" I leave off the "hell" part. maybe when I'm old I'll just say, "Whazzit?"
I went on a hayride once, when I was a young teenager, but it was real frustrating, because I remember looking around and thinking, Come on people, we can transport a lot more hay on this wagon than we are now transporting. But no one would listen to me. And it doesn't surprise me at all that none of them are now working in the hay transport industry.
If a full moon made the Wolfman turn into a wolf, a streetlight probably gave him a real bad headache.
I bet on Christmas Eve, headhunter children have visions of heads dancing in their heads.
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Clause can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If you ever get invited to a reading of a will, I think it's a good idea to bring an empty suitcase, in case you have to bring home a bunch of money. And if you don't get any money you can just open the suitcase and go, "Hey, who stole all my clothes?"
You want to believe there is good in the world. But then you go to the freezer and there are no more Fudgesicles.
I think a good saying to remember, in case you ever get shot by a flaming arrow is, "Deal with the flame, then with the pain."
If you lived back in the Dark Ages, and you invented a torture device that did something to people's eyes, and you worked with a guy who was inventing a thing that fit on the head, to torture the whole head, why not see if maybe your invention could be incorporated into his invention, instead of both going off trying to outdo each other? Work together is what I'm saying.
When I'm down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the
end of his chain and gag himself.
