A Shame

As I began this writing, I was filled with shame. I had a loud, angry argument with my husband. My husband began explaining a Biblical story to my adult son whom I adopted as a toddler, when I was a single mother. He is still a young child mentally, and my husband's version was, in my opinion, wrong. So I jumped in, and added my two cents' worth - telling it the way I taught all my children, including this puzzled son on the couch. My husband jumped right back with his version. My son went outside. I should have stayed out of it; and since I had spoken, I should have stopped right there.

For perhaps an hour, we argued about this subject, until we were yelling at each other. This is almost unheard of, in our marriage, and I need not relate the whole story, but at last my husband went out to work in our forest. I felt very guilty by then. I went outside and mowed the lawn to do something to please him. The longer I mowed, the more remorseful I became.

How could I have raised my voice in anger about something concerning a Bible story? What did I do that for? Am I so proud of teaching correctly, that I can't stand for my husband to add his version? What kind of loving wife is that? And of all things for the kids to hear us arguing about - the Bible - such a precious subject!

* When pride cometh, then cometh shame. Prov 11:2

I made a firm resolve, as I mowed, never to interfere with his teaching again, no matter how badly I feel he is telling a story. He meant well, and it would not have hurt my son to hear his version. I am so ashamed. I will tell my children that I was in the wrong. What kind of a witness was I to them today? I will humbly apologize to my husband for being in the wrong.

But the damage is done. I hurled those angry words into the air. He thinks I am wrong. I think he is. But it does not really matter. Also, the particular detail is not explained in the Bible at all. Clearly, God left it up to His people to reason this point for themselves. I am the wrong one, because I fought against my husband in a loud, high-handed way. I heard myself. I would be ashamed to have even spoken to young children in that manner. But my children heard me. What kind of a witness for Christ was that? How could I have behaved so badly?

What can I do with my shame? I sat down to write of it, with tears running down my face.

* My confusion is continually before me, and the shame of my face hath covered me. Psa 44:15

The path to figuring out how to prevent this from happening again, is to think it out. I think it was more an issue of respecting my husband, than which of us was correct. I did not respect him, and I am so sorry. That was where I was most wrong.

I asked God to forgive me first of all, and He did. That was the first step. My future purpose is thought out, and firmly laid, not to treat my husband with disrespect ever again. But oh, how I wish the words could be taken back!

When my husband came back, I told him how very sorry I was. That I understand now that I was not respecting him, and for that I am terribly sorry. After a while, I said how much I wish I could take back those words, but I can't. He said "sure, you can hav'em!" That is so like him, to say something peaceful, and even with wry humor! Even though I hurt his feelings and made him angry, I think he will forgive me.

Later still, I said to him again, how mad at myself I feel, for being so loud and angry and wrong. He said peacefully, "well, if you can learn from it, honey..."

What love is in this man! How much he must love me, to be so quiet and dear now!

Later still, I went into the kitchen to cook something I hoped he would like, and he came in with me, and cooked something to add to it. He even made me something I love, on the side. The children will love this dinner. And oh, how grateful I am, that my husband does not hold grudges against me. He yelled at me, yes, but he is calm now, and I am so very grateful. I yelled too. Many husbands would be holding a grudge, I know.

After dinner, my dear husband invited me to take a walk with him, into our forest, to see the work he's been doing on the fence line he's clearing. He even held my hand. I love him so tenderly, and admire his calmness and forgiving ways. It is amazing that no matter how old we become, God still helps us learn new things along the way.

This evening he said he forgives me. It is such a tremendous relief. What a wonderful man I'm married to. We're both exhausted. So now we are getting ready for bed.

* It is vain for you ... to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. Psalm 127:2a,c

And I praise God that it is over. Bless the Lord, oh my soul.

2005 Rosemary Gwaltney