The Gift Of Loneliness

Only now, half-way through my fifty-fourth year of life, has it dawned on me that the horrible loneliness I have often regarded as a curse, is actually a gift.

All my life I have suffered through prolonged, and intense periods of loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved. Even the temptation to feel unlovable.

In her book, "God's Joyful Surprise", Sue Monk Kidd says "conversion is a process of growth and change. It begins with God and goes on silently within us, flowering out at certain unique times as He calls us to decisive moments, rediscovery, awakening, just as that initial moment of conversion did."

During the last eight years, I have agonized with a specific loneliness, which has seemed utterly useless and destructive. But this past year, God has spoken to me, by guiding my heart slowly, ever closer to Himself. In the silence of this time, I have prayed more often, and more earnestly than I have for many years. Before, I was content with my spiritual growth, and very intently teaching what I knew, to my children. When my children were grown, it was as though a wild wind tore through my soul, and I felt that my ship would sink. I did not know where I was, and I was afraid. But God calmed my inner storm.

* And he arose , and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still . And the wind ceased , and there was a great calm. Mar 4:39

Now, I have developed a new longing to KNOW God better. Not only that, but I have need to find out what He wants me to use the rest of my life for. Or at least, the next few years or decades. Now that my days are no longer filled to the brim with raising children, they have appeared so empty. I have felt aimless, useless, and without a goal for the Lord. This is a brand new feeling for me. Without a calling, I no longer knew how to please God; nor did I know what He needed me for. Yet His guidance was clear:

* Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not. Psa 37:7

And thus, these years have proved to be a certain unique time. It has been through many prayers in my lonely silence, that God has told me something new. These prayers have been in the barn, with the silent sheep, in the fields, crunching through the snow, in the chicken house, gathering eggs, and hanging up clothes on the line, gazing at the forest and the sky - the only two things in sight. Perhaps He would have told me before, but I just never had time to stay still and listen. I have certainly never had the time to just spend in silence, in stillness, and tell my Heavenly Father that I am listening for Him.

* Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah Psa 4:4

The revelation is that God loves me even when I am doing nothing specific for Him. He loves me just the way I am - the way He created me - even when I am feeling lost and still. Useless and helpless. Certainly, I know He has more for me to do for Him. But right now, this year, has been His time for me to behold a new epiphany of comprehension. In my "dark time" there has been a light all along. The gentle, soft light of early dawn. The light of the love of my Saviour, in the beginning sunrise of my new life - the life of my older years. It is a process of growth and change.

* Be still, and know that I am God. Psa 46:10

I see that light now. It is still soft, but it illuminates the darkness, and the colors of day are returning slowly. The blacks and grays, the shadows and blurs are taking on hues, shapes, and clarity. I know He will show me what I am to do with my new time of older time. But I don't have to worry any longer. I can be quite content now. My loneliness is virtually gone. My feeling of uselessness has faded away. God has shown me that my life itself is as a flower for Him. The bloom of my life will ever be bright, until my last breath. Just because I live, is not only a gift from God, but also, a gift TO God. What an astounding awakening!

He has created us all to go through stages of life. The peaceful pre-birth has no loneliness. Then we go through birth, infancy/toddlerhood, childhood/teenhood, young adulthood, middle age, old age, death. Each stage has its own business, its own focus, its own purpose. Moving from one stage to another can be very painful.

It occurs to me as I write, that each of those stages are longer than the one before, until death. Birth takes hours or days; infancy/toddlerhood takes perhaps three years; childhood/teenhood lasts sixteen years; young adulthood lasts perhaps twenty years, or twenty-five. Middle age, depending on when a person thinks it begins, may last thirty years. Old age may last up to forty years. At least in my family, it does. Each stage overlaps the next, and the new one slides into itself in slow motion.

Our society sends very strong messages via the media, that young adulthood is the only good time of life. This causes people to suffer deep injustices, for there is no template for how to live an older life. There is little guidance to what life will be like, once the fire of passion, the firm skin of youth, the whirlwind of energy has changed. I'm sure it has to do with money. Television can sell products to gullible young people. Movies make tremendous money from young people. Etc. But it leaves at least half of life an open book. An empty page. An unknown land. Many other cultures do not do this. But ours does. So how do we begin charting our new course?

Does one stage prepare us for the next? Is each one lasting longer, because the next will have such new challenges, and the preparing takes longer?

* I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. Psa 40:1

Loneliness can strike at any age, from the time we are born. But from what I have seen, it often affects old people the worst. If someone lives to be a hundred, for instance, they have likely outlived all their friends, their spouse, and often most of their children. As we live, we lose those we love, to death, or other calamities. The thing that is the hardest, for most, is to be forced to live in a nursing home. That is a loneliness that I cannot even imagine.

However, I have seen teenagers in such anguish of extreme loneliness that they cannot sustain the will to live. Conversely, I have seen my own relatives in their late nineties, frail, but full of the joy of the Lord, and looking forward to seeing Him, and being in Heaven.

It's what we DO with our loneliness that makes the difference. Do we crawl in a hole and hide with our misery? Do we drown our misery in a bottle or a pill? Do we go to strangers, and try to find comfort? Do we go to family and friends, and hunt for comfort? Or do we go to the Lord, where there is always comfort to be found?

I am in motion, while I sit still beside the sliding glass door, watching the snow in the Christmas lights still glowing outside. I am in motion, as I type, although the rest of my body is still. For the purpose of God is very slowly being revealed to me; and the love of God for me, is dawning upon me in an altogether new way.

If I had not been so desperately lonely for these eight years, I don't believe I would ever have gone quietly to God in deep need, and talked to Him for so long. I don't think I would have looked at the sky, and told Him I was listening for His guidance. Listening. How much time have I spent listening for God? Not so much until now. I love talking to Him, while looking at the sky. For it makes me feel closer to Him, gazing in His direction. Now, I also remain still, and listen. Occasionally, the solution to a problem will pop into my mind, while I wait quietly. Often a verse, or a line from a hymn, or just a feeling of deep peace will come to me. God speaks to us this way.

I am learning all the time. Shifting emotional gears from one stage of life to another has always been difficult for me. But after this big crunch of poorly shifted gears, over the past eight years, I believe I have moved into a new speed. A slow but smooth speed. I've been in park for so long. But now I am moving. Moving toward a new goal I don't even know about. Yet I have complete faith that God has that goal all ready for me to find.

That hideous loneliness has not been a curse after all. It has been a blessing. It has been a time when God has been putting grease on the gears, so I could shift yet again. My loneliness has been a gift.

I praise God, for loving me enough, to stay with me through all these stages of life, and to continue to teach me, through the ways He created me to learn best.

2005 Rosemary Gwaltney