My Own Brokenness

   Today I watched a video about the life of Henri Nouwen, a priest, pastor, professor, psychologist and author whose books I have been enormously blessed by. The sermon Henri was preaching in this video had four points. That we, like the bread Jesus used as an illustration in His life on earth, are taken, blessed, broken and given. Taken - by God, as His child; blessed - with His love; broken - by life and its tragedies and circumstances; and given - to others, enriching their spirits.

   This made a tremendous impression on me. If I had never been broken - emotionally shattered - could I ever hope for my life to be given to others? Could I ever hope for Christ to use my brokenness to comfort and guide others who are suffering too?

   It amazes and uplifts me, when an absolutely new concept enters my comprehension. Through the past years I have learned to thank God for my trials and heartbreaks. But I had never thanked God for my personal brokenness. I had never thought of the fact that I have been broken over and over, as being something He could use to bless others with. What a surprise then, to finally realize that my own brokenness is a blessing too!

   I'll never forget how beautifully Henri Nouwen expressed the following in a sermon of his: "God created us with a heart that only God's love can satisfy. Every other love will be partial. It will be real, but limited. It will be painful."

   I understand this so well! How I long, truthfully, for the pure and perfect love of God to be given to me physically, right now! To be folded into the holy and physical arms of Jesus, held and comforted. But that is not available on earth. I have to wait for Heaven for that. Here on earth, there is no one who can give me what I crave - a perfect, ever patient, ever affectionate lover of my soul. Here on earth, there are only humans. Frail humans who as I do, also fail, no matter how hard they try not to.

   Here on earth, as I have slowly learned that truly, only Christ can fulfill my intense need to be loved with a perfect love, I have also learned how to love others better. How to love others with a more complete love, a love that does not demand so much in return.

   But it is good that we cannot experience completion here on earth. If we could, what would we need Heaven for? If a human could give us perfect love, what would we need God for? Oh, when I was younger, and feeling shattered, I was unable to realize this, internalize this. But the older I get, and the closer to God I grow, the more this knowledge becomes part of me. The more this knowledge enriches me. Because it draws me ever deeper into the intense desire for Heaven. Heaven is my home.

   All the years God is giving me here, He is teaching me. Now that I am older, and my children grown, He has speeded up the pace of the lessons. Sometimes His lessons comes so hard and fast that I can barely keep up with them! Day and night my mind is reeling from new perceptions. These years are so important, because they give me, myself, the chance to learn how to love better. They give me a chance to show my Heavenly Father how much I love Him, by loving others while I am here.

   "You do not belong to this world!" When I heard Henri say these words on a DVD I bought, they struck something new into the core of my insight like a bolt of lightning. Of course I don't belong to this world. I've always known that. But it is not a sorrowful thing to be stuck here amidst so many trials and yes, sometimes torments, while I wait to go home. Living here is an enormous blessing! Spending years here on earth, gives us a chance to learn to know God, learn to understand how He loves me, and have the chance to do something for God! This is a joyful and marvelous truth!

   God created me to be a very passionate, emotional and conscientious person. From earliest childhood God put into me the deep desire to help my mother to enjoy being alive. She suffered so much from depression. All of my life, I have been on fire with the need to help others. Filled with an intense zeal to take other people under my wing, into my care; to mother them, be their friend, protect and cheer them. I want, in fact, to be able to save all hurting people in the world. I realize, of course, that I cannot. But that is my nature.

   Consequently, because I have a normal, sinful nature, I have frequently horribly disappointed myself, all the years of my life. My mind understands that God forgives my mistakes and failures, but even after He has, my heart remains injured itself, and does not want to forgive itself.

   God is working, I believe, to guide me away from myself. To free me from my own gripping emotional needs that can never be fulfilled in this world. To set me free on the sunny path toward Heaven, where I can skip in absolute joy, like a child who is completely loved and knows it. A child whose mother has called her for dinner. A child who is on the way home, after a long afternoon in the neighborhood.

   Oh, Heavenly Father, sometimes I feel so very weary and helpless. Thank You for Your insight, and the comfort it brings me!

   For truly, every day that I live, I am on my way Home, through this life here on earth. I am one day closer. There is only pure radiance ahead.

   Give me joy in my giving, while I am here, Precious Jesus, particularly to those whom I find difficult. Yes, help me to experience joy in the giving when giving is hard. For only if I am joyful, can that giving be a gift also to You.

   Help me to learn to love in a more free and pure way. Make me a blessing to others. Make me an instrument You can use for Your glory. Give me increasingly the ability to do Your will. Thank You for loving me so intensely, so unconditionally, so unceasingly! Amazing love - how can it be!

And Can It Be

He left His Father's throne above
So free, so infinite His grace -
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam's helpless race:
'Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!
'Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Charles Wesley 1738