The Poison Of Guilt

     As a bereaved mother myself, I have been to years of meetings of bereaved parents, and read decades of magazines and newsletters by and for bereaved parents. I run a web-site called "Coming Through the Fire" for bereaved parents, and receive countless letters from suffering people. I've read every book I could get my hands on, about bereavement. One subject is always brought up, and never really dealt with. That of guilt. Every parent whose child dies, feels guilt. There is always that awful wondering - "what if I hadn't let my child do this or that; or what if I had or had not done this or that ... could I have prevented it?" The answer is no, because we are not given the ability to know the future. But the issue is touched upon, and passed by quickly; and the people are left suffering. Some people can never get past this guilt, and go on being tormented with excessive guilt, year after year. Even decade after decade. I have been a witness to so much anguish. The simple truth is that the secular world has no answers, and thus can say nothing meaningful.

     So I, from a spiritual point of view; hesitantly, delicately, with much prayer, have attempted to write this. It is for all people who have lost a child, or had a child die; and for reasons only human, and usually unwarranted, are tormented unbearably by guilt. I am not writing here about why God allows tragedies to happen. I am writing only of the destructive poison of guilt, that the enemy would like to use, to infect, twist, and darken all the rest of your life.

     The death of a child is a terrible shock. When a child dies, the parents are horrified and stunned. The natural unbelieving question is: "how could this POSSIBLY HAVE HAPPENED to my child?"

     I have an overpowering need to call out to all people who are suffering perpetual self-reproach and guilt. These are Satan's hateful poisoned arrows, piercing your hearts.

     This subject feels almost too tender, too unbearably fragile to broach. But my heart continues to be haunted by all the people who suffer alone. The only real words of comfort that can help anyone are four: "I am so sorry." But many feel so much guilt, they cannot accept even these simple words of comfort. They wish so much that they somehow could have prevented this tragedy from happening.

     Every parent THINKS they could or should have done something that would have kept this from happening. But NO parent could have, since we do not have the power to know in advance, what is going to happen.

     The world will be quick to tell you not to feel guilty. It was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. Now, while this may be, and usually is true, it does not help that agonizing questioning that may continue to go on inside you.

     Satan receives great evil satisfaction from tormenting. Guilt is an intense and powerful weapon he would use to poison us with for the rest of our lives. He hates us all. He cannot love. He is the author of torment - his evil desire is to give humans a hell on earth.

     A person has no place to go for relief, until they turn to Christ. A Christian can take their guilt and remorse, go to Christ, and be forgiven for any guilt they may carry. Yet even with a forgiven Christian, Satan will attempt to keep the guilt returning. He will use all kinds of lies, and evil reasoning, to catch your attention; to try to pull you down. But God can and will release you from this, each time you go to Him and ask.

     What if you are not a Christian - what if you do not even know what you believe? What if you have never given much thought to spiritual matters, and never wondered yet, where you are going after you die? Well, whether you know it or not, there is spiritual warfare going on, within your spirit; your soul. Satan hates you, like he hates everyone. Satan hated your child. To Satan, the death of your child meant less than when you step on an insect so small, you can barely see it. Satan can obtain NO children. But God loves you. God loved your child, and your child is infinitely precious to Him. All children are precious jewels to Him. He has your child safe in His care at this very moment, and will for all eternity.

     Satan is utterly, exclusively malevolent. No human being can imagine the enormity of his malicious and vile nature. Not even the most imaginative of horror movie writers. One of Satan's most pernicious sports is the deaths of children. He cannot possibly feel joy, but I doubt that anything gives him more evil gratification. A child's death means nothing to him, but it opens the door for him to freely torment those who loved that child, and still live.

     Grief without guilt is bad enough. We all grieve horribly, when our child, or anyone we love, dies. This is normal, natural, and unavoidable.

* there is a time to weep... a time to mourn... Ecc. 3:4

     But guilt, even unwarranted guilt sometimes torments a person much too long. The best thing to do is to take your agony in desperation to God, whether or not you are a Christian. If you are not saved, this is the perfect time to come to your Heavenly Father, and become saved. Then you will know you will be reunited with your precious child in Heaven. In any case, you can call on Him: "Oh, Father, God, I need help! I need You to rescue me from this pit of despair! I need Your help! I am shattered! I am broken!"

     "It's been going on so long! I recognize now that it is the power of Satan that is keeping alive this guilt in me! And Your power, Heavenly Father God, is infinitely greater than his. Only You have the power to send him away from me. Please do send him away from me." This is the point where relief will come. Recognizing where the guilt is coming from, and how to get rid of it. Because God is listening intently to your every word, caring deeply about each tear, and He will help.

* Open their eyes, to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God. Act 26:18a

     "Dear Father, please turn my eyes away from Satan's darkness, and toward the light that is You. It is not Your will that I suffer forever. The Bible says You are the author of peace!"

* For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. 1Cor. 14:33

     You can tell God, "I claim this prayer now for myself - 'Peace be within thee.' I believe that You love me. So I believe that peace is Your will for me."

     And peace IS what God will give you now. He WANTS to give you peace. You are His beloved child, and His love and sorrow for You is more than you can imagine. Your sorrow will still be there, for you have lost a child, and there is a huge burning hole in your soul and spirit. But peace erases the guilt. Peace is a cool and soothing salve - a gentle medicine with which God treats the greatest of sorrows. It softens, and, in time, heals little by little, the burden of sorrow.

     From peace, eventually, joy will grow. For when you ask for peace, and God gives it, that plants the seed of joy. In time, that seed will germinate, and new joy will begin to grow. Joy you never expected to feel again.

© 2004 Rosemary Gwaltney