Pools Of Pain

     We don't expect children to die. When a child dies, it seems all wrong. It destroys the cheerful, easy belief in life that we've held. It breaks us down to the ground, and overwhelms us with grief and anguish.

     Each of my children who died, died while young. They never had to suffer the physical ailments that old people must endure. They never had a lost love. They never had a broken heart. They never had to go through any emotional pain at all. Their lives were as perfect as a life on earth can be. Because of their profound retardation, they could not reach the age of understanding. So each one of them will spent eternity with Jesus, in Heaven, and with me. What more wonderful gift could God give a little one, than a free ticket to Heaven! They could not learn to choose, so I am absolutely certain, that God provided each one this merciful, marvelous gift. They were dearly loved, and precious parts of my family. My children were like fresh roses, plucked in the morning. There is a beautiful verse in the Bible, that describes my children.

*In the beauties of holiness from the womb of the morning: thou hast the dew of thy youth. Psalm 110:3

     How I love the hymn "I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses." My dreams are my garden of roses now, and it is there, that God still lets me see them, hold them, hear them.

     I loved my children so dearly. I miss them all still. There will always be holes in our family, where they used to be. But now, decades later, God has shown me that each of my children lived a full, complete, and happy life. They were loved, and blessed with a family of their own, with God's merciful gift of adoption. They each enjoyed all the riches of God's love, and now the blessings of eternity in Heaven stretch forth for them, with glory and joy.

     Yet I am still here. What do I do with these pools of pain in my spirit? What do I do with this anguish, that still streaks across my heart without warning, like a fierce lightning storm? How can I put myself back together, and make it into something that can give to others, and to God even yet? Well, it is obvious that I could not, without God's help. But every time I look to God for help, He is there. Every time I talk to Him, He listens. Every thing I have to say, He is interested in. Every grief I bring before Him, He cares about. And every time I ask Him for strength to keep going, He gives it.

*Thus saith the LORD that made thee, and formed thee from the womb, which will help thee. Isaiah 44:2

     I expected all of my profoundly retarded children to live to adulthood, except my little Zachy. It was my deep desire to have a full nursery for many years. To be able to care for, supply the needs of, and love my children every day. Yet, God took several of my precious children from me. Or, allowed Satan to take them from me. Either one amounts to the same thing, in a way, because God is in complete power. Does this make God sound cruel? No. There is no mercy as deep and pure as God's mercy for us. We simply don't have minds that are great enough to grasp God's plans and purpose.

     As a mother, I often made decisions for my children, to help them grow up wisely, and happily. Sometimes I did not permit them to have something they wanted very much. They did not like some of these decisions, perhaps were very disappointed about them, but I knew these things were good for them. I wanted very much for each one to grow up to love and follow God. I did not expect my children to fully comprehend my reasons for doing things, or my vision for their future. I knew that was not possible. But I made those decisions for them anyway.

     Thus, for a loving, caring parent, it doesn't take much thought to understand that God's plans are perfect. God is not cruel. The heartbreaks He allows me, are a part of a plan I know nothing about, wouldn't have planned myself, and cannot comprehend.

*I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

     My soul is filled with pools of pain. I have never been to Yellowstone National Park, but I am told that there are many pools of boiling mineral water, and if you fall in one, you can die. That's how I feel. If I stumble into one of my pools of pain, it burns, it drowns, it swallows me in grief. It's hard to climb out again. Many things can cause me to fall into one. The most common is a dream. In my dreams, my children are alive, still young, and with me still. Sometimes I dream about one, sometimes about them all. When I wake, I must face my loss all over again. I have a hard time shaking off dreams, many mornings, decade after decade.

*Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. Prov. 3:5

     Much prayer has gone into this journey. I carefully tiptoed around the pools, and carried on with my work each day, giving love to my other children. Even today, now that they are mostly grown, I take care of the ones who still live at home, and give them love and attention every day. But I feel like a ragged hunk of Swiss cheese. So many holes have been left by children I loved with all my heart, who are gone from me. I was going to say "too many holes," but I do not believe that. God would not allow me to receive TOO many wounds.

     Thanks to the careful, loving guidance of my Christian parents, I have always had a strong faith in God, and His wisdom. Also, God has not put the spirit of questioning in me. So I don't ask God "why." But I have had MUCH trouble trying to struggle my way through so much grief. I have been brought to my knees countless times, swamped in sorrow, asking God for comfort. And every time I pleaded, He comforted me.

     I am deeply grateful to still be here, to be able to still do something for my living children, my two baby grandsons now, my husband, and my Savior. And I have learned to feel joy again. I am grateful for each new day. I am thankful for everything I can still do for my Heavenly Father. But the future holds no fear or dread for me. My Savior has my treasures, and He will walk with me all the days that I live.

     I sincerely hope my own death will still be at least four decades ahead, but God's time is perfect. Whenever His time arrives, dying will only be the door I slip through, one bright day, to be again with my children who went before me, and Christ my Savior.

Soon He’s coming back to welcome me
Far beyond the starry sky;
I shall wing my flight to worlds unknown,
I shall reign with Him on high.

Chorus:

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Sweetest name I know!
Fills my every longing, Keeps me singing as I go!

Written by L.B.B.

     My Savior continues to give me happiness, for it is His desire that I sip from His cup of pure joy, to strengthen me while I work for Him on this earth. He will continue to hold my hand, and when I shudder with the horror of my grief, He continues to lead me safely around my pools of pain, toward indescribable glory on the other side.

*All things work together for good, to them that love God. Romans 8:28

     If you are struggling in a pool of pain, just reach out your hand to the Savior, and He will lift you out, and guide your steps. It is His greatest wish that you look to Him, so He can give you His pure, holy, rich comfort, peace and joy.

© 2004 Rosemary Gwaltney