Dear Mr. President:
That was a mighty fine Victory Landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln the other day, and you sure looked swell in your pilot's outfit! But where was your flak jacket? There was a gaffe howling on your left wake. The criticism of your military attire made some sense, and I shall make a constructive suggestion on that subject below, but the complaints about the production expense were nonsense in my opinion, especially when compared to the costs still accruing in terms of lives lost and expenditures made.
The triumphant beast in me got a kick out of your victory celebration even though the reasonable part of me had been dead set all along against the undemocratic way you started the war. I prophesied you were going to do that when your candidacy was announced, and I was not alone.
I remember Franklin Delano Roosevelt's exchange with Harry Hopkins after they read the latest intercepted message from Tokyo to Washington: Hopkins said, "This means war," and he said it was too bad the U.S. could not make a pre-emptive strike. "No, we can't do that," said Roosevelt. "We are a democracy."
Not any more, I reckon, at least not that kind of democracy. Speaking of which, when you said you were going to impose a democratic government, by, for, and of the people, on those people, exactly what kind of democracy did you have in mind? Yes, Mr. President, I know our kind of democracy is great, and it would be even greater with a few radical reforms I have in mind, but you do not seem to behave like a democrat at all. Would you mind being more definite in the future, please? For example, does a democracy, by, for, and of the people, mean the Iraqi people cannot convene their own constitutional convention and vote in a theocracy if that is what they want? If not, why not? You do believe in God, don't you? How can a Christian hold the offices of Caesar and Jesus at the same time? Or does he just change hats when he goes to work? Is there not some viable alternative to neo-liberal capitalism? Why should religious people have to become modernized when modern religion is feel-good atheism?
Anyway, I loved the personal show you had put on! Please convey my congratulations to your producers and directors. I love a good show because it takes my mind off of reality - I really don't care much for realism in art, do you? I don't know why there was such a fuss over the flight suit, as it was fairly democratic in my opinion. How would the democratic socialists have liked it if you had come onto the flight deck in an admiral's outfit? Is that against the rules? After all, you are the Commander-in-Chief.
Admiral George W. Bush. That I like. I thought about that when I saw you on television, and I remembered how spiffy Der Kaiser used to look on his ships - he was a real publicity hound, as you know, and liked to personalize his regime. He said there is nothing like sailing to make a man courageous and quicken his eye. And everybody knows he said the future is on the water, and, if only people would look at great things which are far way over the oceans and seas, then the petty everyday problems at home would "disappear." I think he was right about sea power then, but he should have attended more closely to the mundane problems of his Land. Dressing everybody up in a uniform and sending them to war in pre-emptive self-defense is a hellish way to achieve unity, and it is bound to eventually result in domestic disaster one day, don't you agree?
I hope you have a moment to address my concerns. I am a nobody but a very important one I think, so I'm looking forward to your early response.
Sincerely,