My poor little one. She got her first taste of sickness today. This morning she woke up crying her head off and didn't stop for 45 mins. Then she slept for 20 mins, then when she woke up again she cried for another 35 mins. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I thought that it could be her teeth at first but then my mom and I guessed on ear ache. So I was going to go to her doctor in Mahanttan, but I didn't know if something was really medically wrong or if it was just her teeth. I decided to take her to the emergency room about two or three blocks away from my mum's house. Turns out this was an ear ache. But she's ok. And she got her antibiotics. Yummy bubble gum flavor, she has no problem taking it.

I felt so bad for her. For the first time really I felt so helpless. I could do nothing to help her. For the first time even breast feeding couldn't soothe her.

June 4, 2003 [2:45am]
I don't know if my mother ever did it but I know that when my poor girl is having one of those nights where she doesn't want to sleep because she was either having too much fun or she just keeps waking up and I have to walk away from her, leaving her to sob alone in her crib I stand right outside the door waiting to rush back in when the five or ten minute time limit I set is up. I don't think she will ever understand that it kills me to hear her cry. I feel so bad that I have to leave her alone. Tonight was one of those nights. So far she has woken up twice. There is nothing wrong with her and she settles down quickly. But this last time she was just so fussy in my arms. I put her down in the crib after trying to get her back to sleep and she screamed as if there was a crab pinching her in her pyjamas. All I could just do was stand there and listen to her sob. It didn't last long, maybe three minutes if that, but I doubt it. But just hearing her sniffle and cry... mam mam mam... all to herself. I feel like the worst mother in the world when I leave her. I know that it is for her own good. And most times she falls asleep so quickly it is as if she never cried. But it is still hard to hear. When do it end? When does that day come when you can put them in bed, kiss them good night and say "Sleep tight honey." And they will close their eyes and go to sleep? It's a long way off isn't it?

I can remember, even though the memory is pretty faded, I remember being maybe five or six and my mom had put me in bed with a kiss and closed the door. I could see the light under the door and I remember thinking how much I wanted to be out there with her. I ended up going to the door and calling out to her and all she did was answer back saying, "Go back to bed and go to sleep." But in my little mind I thought something along the lines of, how can I go to sleep with all I want to do it be out there with you. What are you doing out there without me? And now I am a mother and all I can think is, I want to be in there laying with you. Can you sleep without me?

May 31, 2003 [10:54pm]
Today is the last day of her first month as a one year old. She has gone through a lot of changes and new adventures. It amazes me everyday how much she changes everyday. I am trying to enjoy each moment with her because I see how times flies and she won't be like this forever.

I remember being young and with my mother and thinking things would always be like that. Now I am a mother myself and things are so far from those times. I think I am one of the few people in the world that doesn't say I will I could go back. I don't want to change a thing. Even my mistakes. Everything I have done in my life has brought me to this point. Good or bad my life is my own and I enjoy most times. I don't want to be a little girl again with no responsibilities, having to not only depend on my parent but have to constantly answer to them. I love my freedom. I love my life. And I love being a mother. I wouldn't change anything.

May 28, 2003 [2:59pm]
It seem like my little chickpea is adjusting to her days without me. Yesterday she went out with my mum and aunt to Costco and she had no problems. She rode in the car, strapped in the car seat and they said she didnt' cry once. She has been having issues with the car seat for a while. I am surprised that she didnt' flip out.

She came home say hi so many times. I thought it was so cute. She just couldn't stop saying hi to me. She would hug me and say hi. She would kiss me (which is open mouth on my cheek and a lot of slobber, it's ok I love it.) She would walk away and say hi. She would wave and say hi. *sigh* She is so bloody cute.

For some reason today my boobies are so full. I don't know why, I haven't done anything different. I feel like they are going to burst out of my bra. But you don't want to know about that.

As always I am missing my baby. But I can't wait to go home and be with her. Maybe if Dad' willing we will take a walk to the park while it's still light out.

May 26, 2003 [11:00am]
Her walking has been so amazing. In such a short time she has gone from crawling to walking exclusivly. And she is a pretty fast walker. She has great balance and the way she gets up from a sit position on to her feet is so great!

I am upset that I haven't gotten to post any pictues of her party. :0( Because I was out running around get other things for the party I never got to get batteries for our camera so I didn't take any pictures. But no worries right? Everyone else took photos, right?

Well the trouble with that is that David's mom's camera wasn't loaded right and all these great photos that they took are nonexistent. :0( I don't know about anyone else.

And to top it off now our digital camera won't download the picture on the camera. So it snaps them all but I can't get them off. So I have had no pictures to post for a month now. I hope the camera is not broken, but I have a feeling it is. :0(

[10:31am]
We are having a real hard time with the breastfeeding. Well I am. Minako seems to think now that it is a game to bite Mama's nipples. Yesterday I think without fail she bit me everytime I breastfed her. And she doesn't nip me. No. She bites and hold on stretching the nipples in her teeth, while might I add pulling and stetching the other one in her hand. Is this fun for me? No. It's actually pissing me off so much. My breasts are sore and I can't put on a bra. That is how much they hurt. I don't like it.

But not only are we having the biting problem I am having trouble breastfeeding in general. Since I have gone back to work it has been a nightmare almost. She realizes that she can't have the boobie anytime she wants anymore so when I am home, either after work or on the weekend she wants to stay on the boobie for an infinite amount of time and times. If she doesn't get her way she screams and screams and screams. I don't mind giving her alot of boob but with the biting thing I have to cut her off. She doesn't want to drink regular milk as much as before. I think it's because she gets too much juice. Even though I stress giving her milk they don't give her milk as much because she doesn't drink it right away. Instead she gets juice. That just makes my job harder because she doesn't want to take regular milk from me if she knows she can have something better.

I don't know how to get her out of this biting habit or get her to drink more regular milk. I don't mind breastfeeding her but I can't handle this pain. I may just stop all together if this keeps up. But I know that will be tramatic for her because breasfeeding is such a comfort. It's funny how people over the past year have given me so much unsolicited advice, unwanted and most of the time not helpful advice. But now that I need a little I get nada. I just need to pay a visit back to Baby Center. The message boards were always helpful.

I was reading Daddy, Papa & Me and they seem to be going through what I went through, alot of unwanted and silly advice. I guess as two men people feel like they can't be motherly. Which is silly of course because as long as you are open and listen to you baby and use common sence everything turns out well. These guys are so in love with their baby. But I guess what parents isn't.

May 20, 2003 [11:52am]
It has been a while since I have written. It has been a little hectic. Being back at work away from Mina and then running back to Jersey on the weekend has me a little ragged. I got a cold that I am fighting. Unfortunetly I gave it to Mina. Today she is really bad and my mum has to deal with her all day. I feel bad because I knew that she is going to give my mum a hard time. I was a little scared this morning at 4am when I took her to the bathroom, I flicked on the light and her little right eye was sealed shut by ugly green/yellow crust. I knew that it was coming though because she had been getting the eye snot, which scared the hell out of me at first but my mum told me it wasn't a biggie. Always good to have a nurse, and a pediatric nurse at that in the family.

My little monki girl has been walking up a storm. She has no problem following me to the bathroom in the mornings even though she get angry if I walk to far ahead of her and she can't see me. To see her dance while she takes a few steps with her cookie in her hand is sooo sweet. *sigh* We have the greatest daughter in the world. Dad's missing her a bunch though. Hopefully soon we will be able to have a sitter that comes to the house so that she doesn't have to be so far from him. *sigh*

May 8, 2003 [12:02pm].
Well I am now back at work. Started this week monday. That is why I have not had a chance to update either site. They actually have me doing work. No mercy on the mom who's been out of the loop for the past year. Unfortunetly for Mina she is suffering from boobie withdrawls.

The first day when I came home she gave me this passing looking, as if to say "Yeah ok lady, you left me so screw you." I got to happy face, no smile, no kiss, nothing. Even when I held her and kissed her she was indifferent. But as soon as we sat down I got a loud "Num num!" and she laid down so I could give her the boobie. Then she was happy.

During the day I had to fight the erge from calling and obsene amount of times but when I called in the morning and my mum put me on speaker phone she screamed and wander through the house trying to find me. So no cute hellos to my baby girl.

Tuesday when I came home she was happy, her dad was with her of course telling her how much he misses her... oh yeah I am staying in Brooklyn with my mum so that she can take care of her and I don't have to travel back and forth from Jersey everyday. It will change once we find a permanant sitter.

Anyhow Dad is visiting, actually it felt like we were both visiting. I am not used to seeinig her just 3 or 4 hours out of the day. It is killing me.

Dad gave her a bath and he had to jet quick so that he didn't get home too late.

Wednesday she was actually awake when I left and was ok. She and abuelita walked me to the door and waved good-bye. When I came home she was all business. "NUM NUM!" She demanded. I felt so used.

Thursday she now knew that I was leaving again and didn't like it one bit. She fussed and screamed as I took a shower and got dressed. I barely made my way to the door before she started crying hardcore. But I had to go. No lingering good byes.

Today was also some of the same. But she did not want to let go of the boobie this morning. My mum keeps saying why don't you pump. Yeah like it is that simple. She followed me (Mina, not my mum) into the bathroom and watched me as I showered. I think she was trying to keep an eye out to make sure I wasn't trying to give her the slip. When I came out it was a battle for me to get dressed, she wanted me to hold her. Which I did once I was all clothed. But the moment I tried to hand her to my mum she clamped onto me like that monster from Alien. The high pitched screaming started and I had to make quick goodbyes and run.

She should be happy tonight thought. Her Dad is going to come and pick her up while I go out with some co-workers. She gets to be with Dad until I meet back with them later on in Jersey.

I know that she will get used to this but I don't know if I will.