Sing like no one's listening;
Love like you'll never get hurt.
Dance like no one's watching;
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
I get dumped on a lot. It's one of the hazards of being me.
Anonymous
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
Elbert Hubbard
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Franz Kafka
Life is short; live it up.
Nikita Krushchev
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Stan Levenson
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Abraham Lincoln
No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from.
Linus (Peanuts character by Charles Schultz)
No man is so poor as to have nothing worth giving.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
Richard M. Nixon
Never play cards with a man named Doc, and never eat at a place called Mom's.
John O'Hara
The secret of business is to know something nobody else knows.
Aristotle Onassis
Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift.
Miss Piggy
Hit the ball over the fence and you can take your time going around the bases..
John W. Raper
There are moments when everything ges well; don't be frightened, it won't last.
Jules Renard
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly, I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it.
Theodore Roosevelt
Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.
Theodore Roosevelt
Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft.
Theodore Roosevelt
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?.
Frank Scully
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton you might as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
Never try to reason the predjudice out of a man. It wasn't reasoned into him, and cannot be reasoned out.
Sydney Smith
The best way to chear yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Mark Twain
When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
Mark Twain
I've always followed my father's advice: He told me, first, to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddam sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble.
John Wayne
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Oscar Wilde
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy the ice cream while it's on your plate..
Thornton Wilder
Never murder a man who is committing suicide.
Woodrow Wilson
When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
Muhammad Ali
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
Anonymous
Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
Anonymous
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.
Edward Appleton
I don't agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Voltaire
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
John Barrymore
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
If you can walk, you can dance; If you can talk, you can sing.
Kathryn
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck
We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
Wehrner von Braun
An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support.
John Buchan
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve.
Coco Chanel
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
Maurice Chevalier
An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.
Irvin S. Cobb
A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
James Gould Cozzens
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
Clarence Darrow
I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
Clarence Darrow
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli
Be the first to say what is self-evident, and you are immortal.
M. Ebner-Eschenbach
Men are what their mothers made them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking.
Martin H. Fischer
The books that everybody admires are those nobody reads.
Anatole France
Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts.
Serge Gainsbourg
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.
Ed Gardner
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
Edmund Gwenn
I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
Alfred Hitchcock
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope
If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.
Elbert Hubbard
Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.
Kin Hubbard
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Don Marquis
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx
I don't make mistakes; I experiment and occasionally get unusual results.
Tough times never last, but tough people do.
Robert H. Schuller
For men may come and men may go, but I go on forever.
Alfred Tennyson
It will never rain roses: when we want to have more roses we must plant more trees.
George Elliot
And, above all things, never think that you're not good enough.
Antony Trollope
If you meet someone without a smile give that person yours, it cost nothing, but will pay rich dividends.
Good character is like a rubber ball -- thrown down hard - it bounces right back. Good reputation is like a crystal ball - thrown for gain - shattered and cracked.
A. L. Linall, Jr.
A champion is the one who gets up...even when he can't.
Jack Dempsey
All things are difficult before they are easy.
John Norley
The way to success is not through putting down others, but rather through helping them up. The things you give, come back to you. The value you create, adds value to your own life.
Ralph Marston
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest, to follow the star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause
To be willing to pass into hell for a heavenly cause
And know if I'll only be true to the glorious quest
That my heart lies peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this,p>
That one man scorned and covered in scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest, to follow the star
No matter how hopeless,
no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause
And to dream the impossible dream
From Man Of LaMancha
It's not your aptitude, but your attitude, that determines your altitude.
It's better to forgive and forget than to resent and remember.
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Victor Borge
If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the ground with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.
William Feathers
No one ever drowned in sweat.
Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.
Jim Rohn
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
Helen Keller
Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.
Confucius
Perfection is our goal-- excellence will be tolerated.
Pity the man who inherits a million dollars and isn't a millionaire. Here's what would be pitiful, if your income grew and you didn't.
Jim Rohn
Such is the state of life, that none are happy but by the anticipation of change: the change itself is nothing; when we have made it, the next wish is to change again. The world is not yet exhausted; let me see something tomorrow which I never saw before.
Samuel Johnson
Some succeed because they were destined to, but most succeed because they were determined to.
The world goes up and the world goes down, And the sunshine follows the rain; And yesterday's sneer and yesterday's frown can never come over again.
Charles Kingsley
Teamwork means more we and less me.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not encourage others to fly
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not Xerox my butt
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
George Bush
The biggest critics of my books are people who never read them.
Jackie Collins
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
Bill Cosby
Paul, George, and Ringo are recording a song using the last of John's unreleased tapes. It goes "Hello, this is the Lennon residence, I can't come to the phone right now..."
Chris Cox
At least she's the president of something, which is more than I can say.
Bob Dole, US Senate Majority Leader, on his wife Elizabeth, president of the American Red Cross
...make us eat our vegetables, do our homework, and turn off the TV whenever it became violent or sexy.
Jonathan Lange, age 10, from Easton, PA, on what it would be like to have Bob Dole as a fill-in parent
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.
Gerald Early
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
Jeff Foxworthy
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Jeff Foxworthy
If Thomas Edison invented electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as "candle making industry threatened".
Newt Gingrich
You will be pleased to know I stand obediently for the national anthem, though of course I would defend your right to remain seated should you so decide.
Ira Glasser
Half the world does not know the joys of wearing cotton underwear.
Phil Gramm
Please note that on page 124 of Abstraction in the Twentieth Century, Mark Rothko's Black, Ochre, Red over Red, is reproduced upside down.
Guggenheim Museum
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
Buck Henry
Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
Bob Inglis
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved.
Rose Kennedy, (1890-1995) family matriarch, on her 100th birthday, 1991
If you had to have a diploma or a GED to collect unemployment, you'd see a lot more kids staying in school.
Wayne Knight
This is New York, and there's no law against being annoying.
William Kunstler
A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable.
Leslie Lamport
If you knew how meat was made, you'd probably lose your lunch. I'm from cattle country. That's why I became a vegetarian.
K.D. Lang
Be careful out there. There are things that go bump in the night. Actually, there are things that go 'Give me your wallet or I'll kill you' in the night.
John Larroquette
It's potato, not potatoe
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not do that thing with my tongue
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not drive the principal's car
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not get very far with this attitude
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not belch the National Anthem
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.
Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard
Like most intellectuals, he is imensely stupid.
Marquise de Merteuil
Live your life, do your work, then take your hat.
Henry David Thoreau
Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.
Alexander Smith
At night, the ice-weasels come.
Nietchze
Luck is like having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth.
Japanese Proverb
Man is the only animal that blushes
or needs to.
Mark Twain
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Aldous Huxley
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
,p>Thomas Dewar
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Oscar Wilde
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
Winston Churchill
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.
Bruce Feirstein
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject.
Anonymous
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
George S. Patton
I will not do anything bad ever again
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not sleep through my education
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I am not a dentist
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
We often love things and use people when we should USE things and LOVE people.
Anonymous
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and impossible to find it elsewhere.
Agnes Repplier
Some days are made for rain.
Aaron Neville
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
Jean Cocteau
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
Andre Gide
Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you.
Satchel Paige
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain
We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.
John Webster
One of the advantages of being young is that you don't let common sense get in the way of doing things everyone else knows are impossible.
Anonymous
Life with Christ is an endless hope, without Him is a hopeless end.
Anonymous
Hope is like the sun, which, as we walk toward it, casts a shadow of our burdens behind us.
Anonymous
Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you.
William Arthur
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Aldous Huxley
A genius is on who shoots at something no one else can see, and hits it.
A person who has a right to boast doesn't have to.
A person who walks in another's track leaves no footprints.
A smile confuses an approaching frown.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters.
No dreams come true until you wake up and go to work.
Someday is not a day of the week.
There are so many ways of being a fool that it's hard to avoid them all.
Today's mighty oak is yesterday's little nut that held its ground.
You can't steal second with your foot on first.
It's important to be open-minded, but no so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Rick Radebaugh
Freedom is not about breaking the rules, it is about re-inventing them.
We are born happy. Later in life, we learn thousands of reasons to think we are not.
Obscurity is absence of light. Cold is absence of warmth. Unhappiness is not absence of happiness, it's a temporary screen that forbids me to realize that I am happy.
The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it.
Lou Holtz
Victory is so good when we are not afraid of defeat.
When you don't love yourself, you get to hate people who love you. When you love yourself, you can even love people who hate you.
Do not congratulate yourself for giving food to somebody who is cold.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman
I recently discovered that my name is an anagram for "stern moronism".
Simon Renstrom
It is not possible to ski through a revolving door.
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
Confucius say too much.
Recent Chinese Proverb
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
Dolph Sharp
Veni, Vidi, Vici.
Julius Caeser
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago... we're one of them."
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
Kermit the Frog
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
This punishment is not boring and pointless
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not prescribe medication
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Deep Thoughts
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
Ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
There are no such things as strangers, only friends that we have not yet met.
Anonymous
To love somebody
Who doesn't love you,
Is like going to a temple
And worshipping the behind
Of a wooden statue
Of a hungry devil.
Lady Kasa
I met a solid rowing friend and asked
about the Race. How fared it with the wind,
I said, When stroke increased the pace?
You swung it forward mightily, you heaved
it greatly back. Your muscles rose in knotted
lumps, I almost heard the crack.
And while we roared and rattled too,
your eyes were fixed like glue.
What thought went flying through your mind,
how fared it, Five, with you?
But Five made answer solemnly,
I heard them fire a gun, No other
mortal thing I heard until the Race was done.
R.C. Lehman
The Earth has music for those who listen.
Shakespeare
The more you sweat in Peacetime, The less you bleed during War.
Chinese Proverb
Even the greatest of men cannot rejoice in a friend's triumph without envy.
Excerpt from Man Enough by Dr. Frank Pittman
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
Dorothy Parker
Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I may not forget you.
William Arthur Ward
When will I learn?
The answers to life's problems aren't at
the bottom of a bottle! They're on TV!
Homer Simpson
But if you build your life on dreams it's prudent to recall;
a man with moonlight in his hands has nothing there at all.
Don Quixote N.B. This truth sucks.
No problem is so big and complicated
that it can't be run away from.
Peanuts
There are two tragedies in life.
One is not to get your heart's desire.
The other is to get it.
Shaw
When first born we cry for coming
into this stage of fools.
Lear
Yesterday is a cancelled check.
Tomorrow is a promissory note.
Today is cash...
Spend it wisely.
Don't waste your youth growing up.
I see no virtue where I smell no sweat.
As a rule,
Man's a fool.
When it's hot
He wants it cool;
When its cool
He wants it hot.
Always wanting
What is not.
When I was young,
I could remember anything,
Whether it happened or not.
Mark Twain
Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go
through the eye of a needle than for someone who
is rich to enter the kingdom of God.
Matthew, 19.24
If you gaze for long into the abyss,
the abyss also gazes into you.
Nietzsche
I like reality.
It tastes of bread.
Jean Anouilh
Everybody laughs in the same language.
Anonymous
America is my country;
Paris is my home town.
Gertrude Stein
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
Goldfish don't bounce
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
No one is interested in my underpants
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will return the seeing-eye dog
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
I am not deliciously saucy
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
There are plenty of businesses like show business
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
Bart Simpson; on the blackboard
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