Mulderisms

Did you really think you could call up the devil and ask him to behave?

You've got to wonder about a country where even the president has to worry about drive-by shootings…

Before anyone passes judgment, I'd just like to remind you that we are in the arctic.

Do you know how difficult it is to fake your own death? Only one man has pulled it off: Elvis.

Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted.

…I changed it to 'Trust Everyone'-I didn't tell you?

There are more dignified ways to die than auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Oh, I didn't get his name, I was too busy getting my ass kicked.

I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation.

You know, for a holy man, you've got quite a knack for pissing people off.

That's good. I was worried that I would have to tell Skinner that our suspect was a giant bloodsucking worm.

You never draw my bath.

What ever tape you found in the VCR, it isn't mine.

Are you saying that the building's haunted? Because if you are, I think you've been working with me for too long Scully.

You gotta love this place, every day's like Halloween.

So, who did you tick off to get stuck with this detail, Scully?

No ho on the ro-jo.

(handing a pencil to Forhike): Don't drop that. That's a finely calibrated piece of investigative equipment.

If my Miss Manners serves me right, that protrusion from his left cornea is a salad fork.

Personally, if someone digs me up in a thousand years, I hope there's a curse for them, too.

Sometimes the only sane response to an insane world is insanity.

This may not be the time to mention it, but somebody is wearing my favorite perfume.

Mulder/Other

Scully: Mulder, take a look at this.

Mulder: Do I have to?

Ish: I could smell you a mile away.

Mulder: They told me that even though my deodorant is made for a woman, it is strong enough for a man.

Mulder: I think I saw some of these people at Woodstock.

Scully: Mulder, you weren't at Woodstock.

Mulder: I saw the movie.

Mulder: You've got a brother, don't you, Scully?

Scully: Yeah, I have an older one and a younger one.

Mulder: Have you ever thought about calling one of them all day and then the phone rings and it's one of them?

Scully: Does this pitch somhow end in a way for me to lower my long distance charges?

Scully: Who is it?

Mulder: Steven Spielberg.

Scully: There's something up there, Mulder.

Mulder: Well, I've been saying that for years.

Mulder: Now, this...that's...west.

Scully: What does the map say?

Mulder: (crumpling up and dropping map) :That we should be there already.

Scully: Mulder, I know what you did wasn't by the book.

Mulder: Tells you something about the book, doesn't it?

Scully: Those lights the driver saw may have been swamp gas.

Mulder: Swamp gas?

Scully: It's a natural phenomenon in which phosphane and methane rising from decaying organic matter ignite, creating globes of blue flame.

Mulder: Happens to me when I eat Dodger Dogs.

Scully: Genetics might explain the patterns. It also might explain the sociopathic attitudes and behaviors. It begins with one family member who raises an offspring, who raises the next child...

Mulder: So what's this, the anti-Waltons?

Scully: I just don't think it's a good idea to antagonize the local law enforcement.

Mulder: Who, me? I'm Mr. Congeniality.

Scully: You never know, we might need his help one of these days.

Mulder: I'll send him a bundt cake.

Scully: We can't rule out the possibility that the person we're talking about is a transvestite.

Mulder: I think Don Juan in there knows the difference between the male and female of the species.

Scully: Did Boggs confess?

Mulder: No, no, it was five hours of Boggs' channeling. After three hours I asked him to summon the soul of Jimi Hendrix and requested All Along the Watchtower. You know, the guy's been dead twenty years, but he still hasn't lost his edge.

Mulder: How are you feeling?

Scully: First time i've ever played the target.

Mulder: Let's make sure it's not the last.

Scully: Working hard, Mulder?

Mulder: (indicating centerfold of porno magazine): This woman claims to have been taken aboard a spaceship and held in an anti-gravity chamber without food and water for three days.

Scully: According to the briefing, prisoners escaped by hiding in a laundry cart.

Mulder: I don't think the guards are watching enough prison movies.

Scully: Hey, how are you feeling?

Mulder: Like I got a bad case of freezer burn.

Mulder: Well, I don't want to jump to any rash conclusions, but I'd say he's definitely our prime suspect, huh?

Scully: Mulder, the man we're talking about is 77 years old.

Mulder: Well, George Foreman won the heavyweight crown at 45. Some people are just late bloomers.

Mulder: Are you familiar with the Ten Commandments, Scully?

Scully: You want me to recite them?

Mulder: Just number four, the one about obeying the sabbath, the part where God made heaven and earth but didn't bother to tell anybody about his side projects.

Scully: All of them share one strange detail, Mulder.

Mulder: Well, they seem to have lost their heads.

Mulder: I'd be willing to admit the possibility of a tornado, but it's not really tornado season. I'd even be willing to entertain the notion of a black hole passing over the area or some cosmic anomaly, but it's not really black hole season, either. If I were a betting man, I'd say it was_

Scully: _an invisible elephant?

Mulder: I saw David Copperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear once.

Scully: (looking at broken doorbell): This is odd.

Mulder: Frustrated Jehovah Witnesses?

Scully: Must be nice not having someone questioning your every move, poking holes in all your theories.

Mulder: Oh, yeah...yeah, it's great. I'm surprised I put up with you for so long.

Mulder: This isn't where you tell me some terrible story about sushi, is it?

Scully: Maybe you'd rather hear what you can catch from a nice rare steak?

Mulder: So...what? The murder weapon was a nice top sirloin?

Scully: I mean, there's nothing weird about_(toads start falling from the sky, then stop)

Mulder: So, lunch?

Scully: Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!

Mulder: Guess their parachutes didn't open. What did you say about this place not feeling odd?

Scully: I've got a bad feeling about this case, Mulder.

Mulder: What do you mean?

Scully: Well, nothing about it makes sense. We've got three deaths of identical victims, no bodies, a virtual non-suspect.

Mulder: Sounds just like an X-File.

Scully: That's impossible. It would take a large python hours to consume and weeks to digest a human body.

Mulder: You really do watch the Learning Channel.

Scully: He's non-verbal, non-responsive to voice, touch or pain. The neurologists suspect he suffered a severe concussion in the crash, resulting in amnesia.

Mulder: That's a plausible diagnosis, though I'm more concerned in how he came back to life.

Scully: Mulder, how are you feeling?

Mulder: Like I should have used the crosswalk.

Mulder: What are you watching?

Scully: Your alien autopsy video.

Mulder: You mean I get my $29.95's worth after all?

Mulder: Go ahead.

Scully: No, you go ahead.

Mulder: No, I know how much you love snapping on the latex.

(Mulder is playing an answering machine) Scully: Find anything?

Mulder: No, but i'm really beginning to like the tune.

(Mulder and Scully are looking at the remnants of a half-eaten, water-logged corpse)

Scully: We eat fish and fish eat us.

Mulder: Are fish also known for eating half and saving half for later?

Mulder: Imagine if you could come back and take out five people who had caused you to suffer. Who would they be?

Scully: I only get five?

Mulder: I remembered your birthday this year, didn't I, Scully?

Scully: Do you know how much the human body is worth?

Mulder: Depends on the body.

Scully: What would a Japanese diplomat be doing in that house with a dead man...with his head stuffed in a pillow case?

Mulder: Obviously not strengthening international relations.

Kinsley: Last year was something of a personal revelation. We were doing an exercise called 'Team Builders'. Where we were given two minutes to build a tower out of ordinary office furniture.

Stonecypher: When I stood on Mike's shoulders and put that electric pencil sharpener on top of the pile? I knew we could never have done it alone.

Mulder: Kill me now.

Kinsley: You've never been to one of these teamwork seminars, Agent Scully?

Scully: Um, I think I went to a Constructive Problem Solving course when I first joined the Bureau.

Stonecpher: Oh! Did you play that game where you couldn't use negative words?

Kinsley: I couldn't believe how hard it was not to use the word 'but'.

Mulder: I'm having that same problem right now!

(Scully carrying a tray of wine and chese)

Mulder: Who cut the cheese?

Scully: Since we weren't going to make it to the conference.

Mulder: Par-tay!

Scully: However, I must remind you that this goes against the Bureau's policy on male and female agents consorting in the same hotel room while on assignment.

Mulder: Try any of that Tailhook crap on me Scully, and i'll kick your ass.

Scully: Where are you going?

Mulder: There's something I want to check out.

Scully: Mulder, sometimes I think some work on your communication skills wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Mulder: I'll be back soon, and we'll build a tower of furniture.

Mulder: That's very interesting. Thirty years ago the town of Point Pleasant, West Virginia was terrorized for over a year by something. Killing livestock, terrorizing people. Witnesses described them as primitive-looking men with red piercing eyes. They came to be known as "mothmen".

(Scully giving Mulder a skeptical look)

Mulder: I've got an X-File dating back to 1952 on it.

Scully: What would that file be next to? "The Cockroach that Ate Cincinnati"?

Mulder: No. "The Cockroach that Ate Cincinnati" is in the C's. "Mothmen" is in the M's.

Scully: You were an Indian Guide. Help me out here.

Mulder: Indian Guide says maybe you should run to the store and get some matches.

Scully: If I can separate the shell from the casing, maybe I can get the powder to ignite.

Mulder: Hmm. And maybe it'll start raining weenies and marshmallows.

Scully: Do I detect a hint of negativity?

Mulder: No! Yes, actually. Yes.

Scully: Have you ever thought seriously about dying?

Mulder: Yeah. Once when I was at the Ice Capades.

(Scully finally gets shell separated from casing)

Mulder: Go girl!

(Mulder and Scully in hole stacking bodies to the top)

Mulder: Too bad we don't have any office furniture.

Scully: If they could see us now.

Mulder: Go, team! Twenty more bodies and we win the honey-baked ham.

Mulder: Okay, now you're scaring me. I want to hear exactly what you're gonna tell Skinner.

Scully: Oh! You want our story straight?

Mulder: No, no. I didn't say that, I just want to hear it the way you saw it.

Scully: I don't feel comfortable with that.

Mulder: Prison, Scully. Your cellmate's nickname is gonna be "Large Marge"? She's gonna read a lot of Gertrude Stein?

(Scully repeating what Mulder said after being drugged): Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks? SHAFT! Can you dig it? They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother_shut your mouth!

Mulder: I did not!