Welcome to this JOKES AND STUFF page. Most of the jokes you read here are contributions from people around the net. We received a lot of jokes via e-mail everyday and to be able to read it anytime, anywhere(as we would removed them from the e-mail box when it's getting full), we keep them here. To Chuck, this page is specially dedicated to you with love. |
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WISE WOMEN THESAURUS FOR MEN PILOT ERROR THEOLOGY LESSON LITTLE JOHNNY PROFESSIONAL HOTEL RENT DOLLY & QUEEN KISS |
ELMO BABIES CONFESS MORE WAY THAN WILL STICK TO THE BASICS A CURE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE RING BEAR LET US PREY BLAME THE VICTIM |
NOW THAT'S IN-TENTS MORE REAL THAN REAL |
"IT'S A GUY THING"
( Translated: ) * "There is no rational
thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
( Translated: ) * "Why isn't it already on the
table?"
"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY" OR "YES, DEAR"
( Translated: ) * Absolutely nothing. It's a
conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
( Translated: ) * "I have no idea how it
works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
THINGS ON MY MIND."
( Translated: ) * "I was wondering if that
redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
( Translated: ) * "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
( Translated: ) * "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
( Translated: ) * "I remember the theme song
to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the
vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned, ... but I forgot
your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU
THESE ROSES".
( Translated: ) * "The girl selling them on
the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO
BIG DEAL."
( Translated: ) * "I have actually severed a
limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
( Translated: ) * "And I sure hope I think of
some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
( Translated: ) * "It didn't fall into my
outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
( Translated: ) * "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
( Translated: ) * "I haven't the foggiest clue
what you just said, and
am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
( Translated: ) * "I am used to the way you
yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
( Translated: ) * "Oh, please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
( Translated: ) * "No one will ever see us
alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
( Translated: ) * "I make the messes, she
cleans them up."
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going?. I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there.
I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman wouldlive long and healthy lives.
And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Super size them, and gimme a Coke." And Man gained five pounds.
And God taught the man and the woman that eating lean meat and fish and chicken, was a great goodness. Of the goodness of cheeses he taught them, and of green leafy salads He taught them.
And the devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds. And God said, "Try these lovely strawberries and blueberries."
And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables, and lean meats, and olive oil and sunflower seeds. I have sent thee all manner of good things to eat."
And the devil brought forth Kentucky Fried Chicken, sugar, and hot fudge sundaes. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to begin at least walking, and to raise himself up to running, to lose those extra pounds.
And the devil brought forth cable TV with the holy remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky Sports and Sky Sports 2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth all manner of good things from the land and the sea, and plants from the earth, and even herbs and spices to make all this bounty flavorful.
And the devil brought forth starches, and taught the sacred tradition of munching. He brought forth white flour, and potatoes, and from the potato peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centerinto
chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created dip.
Then God showed Woman how to create beautiful omelets, and to stir fry her lean meats and vegetables, and within the man, created a deep
yearning for barbecue.
And the devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. The devil whispered into the ear of the man, and when he would have eaten lovely crunchy vegetables, the devil taught him to make macaroni and potato salad, and baked beans laced with sugar and molasses, and created a new tradition, that these and only these, were appropriate at picnics. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the Land of the Divorce Lawyer, east of the Land of the Marriage Counselor. And Woman put aside the gifts of the earth and sea, and took unto herself the all consuming Law of The Comfort Food.
And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. And it didn't help. And God brought forth Richard Simmons. And people decided he was goofy. And God brought forth Dr. Atkins, and he was ridiculed. And the devil rejoiced!
And God created health clubs. And the devil whispered into the ear of the woman, and told her that everyone at those clubs were already slender and toned and beautiful. And she cringed within her soul, and never crossed the threshold.
So God brought forth exercise tapes, and exercise machines for the home,with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visa at 18 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, the man had put on so many pounds that he now shopped the dungeons of the Big Man stores, and the woman realized that she was trapped in the Woman's Plus department of doom.
And the Man and the Woman no longer walked life's path hand in hand, side by side, for they no longer fit side by side on the sidewalk. Nor could they walk very far, whether together or apart, for their ankles hurt, and their legs ached, and their breathing was harsh whenever they walked, for their poundage was now extreme.
And Man clutched his remote control seeking his salvation, surfing the infomercials and the Food Network, and ate the potato chips swaddled in salt. And the devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil created HMO's and insurance companies.
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?"
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how ya doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose. profession? yours or hers"!
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.
"You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbour asked.
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. - What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, hereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, " but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.
An Empty Box??? The story goes that some time ago, a man was upset with his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Never the less, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present,there's supposed to be something inside it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he beggedfor her forgiveness. It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold containerfilled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family or God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Mike, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Mike, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired. "No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew every thing there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.
Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again.
This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he wasn't there, without success.
One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in the drawer.
After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:
"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"
"You're going to die."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dummy named you Moses?"
"The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
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