Last week on The X-Files: (what?! this isn't the x-files!) an episode craftily directed by phoebe reveals the would-be return of straight-A karen. we were left hanging, just as leonard (hypnotized by sara) was about to perform his magic and jasmine, phoebe, and stu had come jostling in. . . . .
"stop!" phoebe screamed. "the man karen admires isn't leonard, it's john!1 if you put her back together everything will be ruined! ruined!" she screeched.
"huh?" leonard turned to phoebe, his eyes swirling from sara's hypnotism. mushy karen parts dripped from his fingers.
"don't listen to her!" jasmine hollered.
"jasmine! you know what will happen if leonard puts karen put back together!" phoebe cried. "why, she'll not be karen at all. the karen that we know and love will be a BLACK MAMBA SNAKE!!!!!" phoebe screamed.
"exactly," jasmine smiled with satisfaction.
"sara! you've got to stop him!" phoebe begged desperately. "you've got to stop the hypnotizing!"
but sara was beside herself with fear. "SNAKES!!!!"2 she screamed wildly. "GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!! ARGH, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!" and with that sara ran screaming from the beach condo. she ran screaming across with beach and splashed into the salty ocean. the group stared after her, gawking in silence, except for leonard, who was still molding karen. a blackish glow was beginning to tint her misshapen form. a moment later sara burst out of the water and ran screaming up the beach.
"SHARKS!!!!!!"3 she screamed wildly. "GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!!!! ARGH, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!" sara collapsed in a heap on the kitchen floor, seaweed hanging from her hair and a puddle slowly forming beneath her.
"done," leonard declared importantly.
sara looked up, her eyes as large as saucers. atop the kitchen counter a deadly black mamba snake was slowly slithering about, its black mamba tongue forking in and out of its black mamba fangs. "SNAKES!!!!" she screamed wildly. "GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!! ARGH, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!" and with that sara ran screaming from the beach condo and of course right back into the water.
phoebe leaned towards the snake with concern. "karen?" she questioned painfully. the black mamba snake eyed her with its beady black mamba eyes. the snake emitted a hiss, and phoebe who was listening very carefully heard in the snake sigh a tiny karen voice shouting accusingly, "phoebe! how could you?!"
"what?!" phoebe screamed, enraged. "i didn't do anything!"4 she declared. "it was all everyone else's fault! especially leonard! the weanie could only succumb to sara's hypnotism."
stu giggled, some drool dripping from the corners of his mouth. "peer pressure, man,"4 he sneered. "he's very sensitive."
"SHARKS!!!" sara screamed as she came running up the beach. chuckling happily to himself, stu bopped the door with his left hand and the door swung shut, just as sara slammed into it on the other side. she collapsed on the doorstep and whimpered, "get them away from me. argh, they're going to kill me."
in sara's apparent weakened state, leonard finally broke her hypnotism. stu gawked with surprise. "whoa man, that was good. congratulations," stu slapped leonard on the back.
jasmine emerged from the bedroom, suitcase packed. "come on leonard," she called. "it's time we hit the road."
"but where are you going?" phoebe asked. "me and stu are coming with." she had no intentions of staying to help karen anymore, insulted by karen's misinterpretation.
stu stuck a finger in his mouth. "i don't know, man. i think i better ask my mommy and daddy."
"yeah sure," jasmine said, linking arms with leonard and starting for the door. she cast a nonchalant look over her shoulder and gazed at the black mamba snake coiling up on the counter. "so long karen!" she called and cackled evilly. she turned back and emitted a raw scream. a face was pressed against the glass of the front window. the flattened nose and lips smudged the glass as the figure tried to peer inside. jasmine screamed again.
"oh, that's just sara," phoebe explained.
"oh. phew," jasmine sighed with relief. at that same moment sara spotted a black mamba snake writhing on the counter.
"SNAKES!!!!" she screamed wildly. "GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!! ARGH, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!" and with that sara ran screaming down the beach and splashed into the water.
with a ceremonious roll of her eyes jasmine marched purposefully out the door, arm in arm with leonard as phoebe towed stu behind. "i couldn't reach my mommy," he blubbered, clutching the phone. "should i leave a message?" he whined.
"stu!" phoebe moaned. "let's go!" with a violent jerk phoebe tugged stu out of the house. stu clutched the phone desperately and the cord ripped out of the wall. the four trotted down the beach leaving a very stupefied sue to deal with the black mamba snake, and sara, who was in the process of running back up the beach hollering about sharks.
"come on!" jasmine called as she eased in behind the wheel of her yellow convertible bug.
"shouldn't you be wearing your corrective lenses?" leonard interjected.
"aww shut up!" jasmine groaned and roughly shoved her glasses over her nose. she stomped on the gas, but forgot to put the car in reverse, and plowed over phoebe and stu's green bug that was parked across from them. "oops," she grinned sheepishly. "just kidding."
phoebe stood gawking at her beloved car, a crumpled piece of metal. stu was still holding the phone, blubbering to himself.
"i know just the place!" jasmine called over her shoulder as she floored it out of the parking lot.
all the way down I-90 jasmine was clutching the steering wheel tightly, screamed wildly, "OH MY GOD, CAR!!! OH MY GOD!!!" being on this interstate, she was yelling this rather frequently. meanwhile the whole time leonard was covering his eyes and screaming, "TOO FAST!!! TOO FAST!!!"
jasmine gritted her teeth and faked a smile as the bellperson finally showed himself out the door of their hotel suite, eagerly clutching his tip. he would not leave them alone until he had given them a briefing that had lasted at least as long as her sophomore year in high school. he had included helpful information such as:
with a sigh jasmine flopped on the bed as leonard admired himself in the complimentary bathrobe. "don't even think about it," she groaned. she then found this handy document:
in accordance with sec. 3.1482, be advised that the manager of this hotel is not responsible for any loss, theft, or damage to any jewelry, money, people or other valuables. the manager also does not claim responsibility to anyone else sneaking into your room in the dead of night armed with guns, knives, cattle prods, deadly poison black mamba snakes or whatever, you just better give them whatever they want, because the manager will not get involved even if they tie you to the bed with the belt of your complimentary bathrobe and torture you by pouring complimentary shampoo into your eyes. so please be advised by sec. 3.1482 that ha ha the owner of this hotel doesn't give a shit what happens.
jasmine flung the document across the room and banged on the door ajoining to phoebe and stu's suite. phoebe creaked it open. good old fred was still explaining the perks of their hotel room, stu was admiring himself in the complimentary bathrobe. "do you believe this crap?" jasmine demanded, shoving the document in her face.
phoebe quickly scanned it and groaned. "we have to get out of here soon," phoebe groaned.
stu twirled over, swaggering in the complimentary bathrobe. "phoebe," he moaned, "i can't get ahold of my mommy." he held the phone that had been ripped out of the condo wall up to his ear once more and madly punched the number.
"leonard, we're leaving," jasmine called over her shoulder into the room.
"what?! no! not without my complimentary bathrobe!" he whined.
jasmine was finally beginning to drift off, leonard was still in the bathroom, admiring his complimentary bathrobe. just then, two drunks staggered up from the bar and stood directly outside their room and shouted in their booming voices:
FIRST LOUD PERSON: well, it's about time to turn in!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: i guess so! what time is it?
FIRST LOUD PERSON: whoa! it's 2:30 A.M.!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: whoa! it's time to turn in!
FIRST LOUD PERSON: i'll say it is!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: two-thirty A.M.!
FIRST LOUD PERSON whoa!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: it's definitely time to turn in!
FIRST LOUD PERSON: i'll say it is!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: you can say that agAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEE (sound of both loud persons being stabbed to death by a mysterious pajama-clad hotel guest who has lunged out into the hallway wielding complimentary shrimp-cocktail forks)
jasmine settled back into bed, a smile slowly spreading across her face. she at last slipped into a deep sleep, unaware of the dark figure creeping into her room, with such paraphernalia as guns, knives, cattle prods, and a deadly poison black mamba snake.
stay tuned for scenes from the next party of five. . . .(wait! this isn't party of five!). . . . and a special thanks to dave barry, whom i've stolen the hotel scene from.
screwy story #7, Fear Me the Most 
screwy story #9, Hee Hee Hee