10 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO OZ
DANIELLE FRANCES DUCREST

Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters/concepts belong to Joss Whedon, Marti Noxon, Twentieth Century Fox Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, Greenwolf Corp., Sandollar Television, Mutant Enemy, and UPN. All other TV shows, movies and book series mentioned herein belong to lots of other people who aren't me and will hopefully not sue (pretty please?). Any copyright infringements were not intended. This story was written for entertainment and not for profit.

Oz sniffed as he entered the house. He tried to hold down a growl. He smelled cat.

"Where can we set up?" Devon asked the women.

"Right over here," one of them said, motioning to the living room. "By the way, I'm Zelda."

"I'm Hilda," her companion said, smiling.

"Oz," the werewolf introduced himself as his fellow band members set up their equipment.

"We really appreciate your band coming to play for our niece's birthday," Zelda told him.

"No problem." He glanced around, wondering where that cat was. "Where is here, anyway?" He frowned, trying to recall how the members of Dingoes Ate My Baby had gotten there.

"Now, don't you worry about that," Hilda said assuredly. She took his arm and led him across the floor. "Everything's perfectly normal."

Oz shrugged. It didn't matter. It wasn't like this was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him. "Okay."

It was the morning after the night after the full moon. Oz slowly got to his feet and reached for the pants lying on top of the weapons cabinet.

Movement caught his eye. Oz glanced to the left side of the book cage. A full-sized mirror stood there. Instead of his own reflection, Oz saw other people. They were dressed in military garb…and they were staring at him.

Oz glanced behind him. No one was there. He glanced back at the mirror. The people were still staring at him. Then he remembered that he was still nude. "Huh. Damn."

Oz was lost. He was in Los Angeles for a gig. Somehow during the rainstorm he'd gotten turned around. He couldn't spot a familiar street anywhere.

He drove by an unremarkable street and slammed on his breaks. He stared open-mouthed.

Hundreds of men of equal height lined the street. All of them wore identical black suits. Walking toward Oz from the other end of the street was an identical man. Walking away from Oz was a shorter man who didn't resemble any of them. The whole scene had a weird greenish cast to it.

Oz blinked. "Weird." He drove off.

Oz glanced up in surprise as a woman zipped by in a glass tube. It looked kinda fun.

He was in the future, he knew. He'd been there for weeks ever since that demon had sent him here. What he couldn't figure out was why everything was in two dimensions. After all, how could you travel in space if there wasn't that extra third dimension anywhere in the cosmos?

He missed Willow. He missed three-dimensional life. He hoped Professor Farnsworth discovered a way to send him back.

"Hey, Oz!" Fry said as he and Bender sidled up to him. "What're you up to?"

"Penny for your thoughts," Bender said. He chugged down half of a bottle of beer, then turned and belched fire onto the street. A hovering car swerved to avoid it.

Oz glanced up at the ships whizzing by over New New York. "Just missing my old life."

"Yeah, I know how that is, suddenly being in a whole other millennia and all," Fry said.

Oz knew he did, but it wasn't the same. Fry didn't regret it. Oz did.

He'd return some day. Until then, he had a job as a member of the Planet Express crew.

Giles didn't smell right. Oz couldn't quite put his finger on it, but the scent was just…off. Sure, ever since the guy had stopped wearing so much tweed, his scent had stopped being as stuffy, but this was different.

They were alone in the library. Giles was in his office, but Oz could hear him. He was talking to someone, but Oz could clearly see the office phone resting in its cradle on the desk.

"Al, what am I supposed to do here? I'm the mentor of a Vampire Slayer, a witch, a werewolf, and a boy and a girl who can't stop bickering with each other for two seconds!"

After listening for a few more moments, Oz stormed into the office. He stared into Giles' eyes. "Who are you?" he demanded.

Giles' eyes widened, surprised. Instead of taking off his glasses and cleaning them, he gulped. "Oh, boy."

"Did we have to come to a Hellmouth?" Piper gritted between her teeth for the eightieth time.

"'Fraid so," Paige said. She scanned the shadows for anything lurking mysteriously.

"Think the vampires would be afraid of you?" Phoebe asked Paige. "You were their Queen."

Paige gave her a look.

"Hello," a voice said.

All three women jumped, screamed, and whirled around. Piper had frozen him and Paige had sent a fallen tree branch at him before they even realized it.

Piper let out an, "Eep!" and grabbed the branch before it hit the young man. She waved the branch scoldingly at Paige. "Don't hurt the innocent bystanders!"

Piper hurriedly unfroze him. He blinked and said, "Woah. You guys must be witches."

The Charmed Ones glanced at each other. "You knew you were frozen?" Phoebe asked.

"'Course. That was cool, by the way. I was going to ask if I could help you guys, but it looks like you've got that covered." He began to walk away.

"WAIT!" all three women exclaimed.

Paige asked, "Do you know where we can find Frotochal? He's a demon. We want to vanquish him."

"I'll take you to Giles'. It's a few blocks this way."

Dana Scully felt like burying her head in her hands. "You can't be serious, Mulder."

Fox Mulder only smiled. "Can't I."

"Werewolves can't exist. The very idea that a human being could change himself into a wolf for one night every month is absurd. It would cause multiple health problems, not to mention that a wolf has a much smaller brain. The man would lose part of his brain during the change."

"Not so, Scully. A werewolf is actually bigger than a person, making it possible to keep all parts of a man's brain intact."

Dana only raised an eyebrow. "So where is this evidence you said you had?"

The doorbell rang. Mulder grinned. "Just arrived."

Dana had to admit that she was curious. She watched as her partner led a young man with died blonde hair into the apartment.

"Agent Dana Scully, I'd like you to meet Daniel Osborne."

Oz watched as his companion lifted one end of the van and then the other out of the ditch with little difficulty. Oz glanced at the sun. "You wouldn't happen to be a male Slayer, would you?"

His companion only laughed. "Well, that's a first. People have accused me of being a whole manner of things, but never a Slayer. But to answer your question, no, I'm not. I'm Bleys, prince of Amber. The strength runs in the family."

"Oh." Oz shook his hand. "I'm Oz. I'm a werewolf."

"Really?"

Oz nodded.

"I think I'm going to like this Shadow."

When Remus woke up, he glanced around but saw no half-eaten bodies anywhere, which was an enormous relief. He'd been so worried that he would eat Harry and his friends, but then Sirius would have made certain that he didn't.

"Hey, there." Remus turned and saw a young man who was just as naked and covered in scratches and bruises as him.

Remus sniffed the air and started in surprise. "You're a werewolf."

The younger man raised an eyebrow and nodded. "So are you." He glanced around. "Any idea where we are?"

"We're in the Forbidden Forest."

His eyes widened. "Oh. I think we should get out of here."

"Yes." Remus sighed. He'd have to buy another wand. If he'd had his last one, he would have been able to conjure up some clothes for both of them.

"Do you remember what happened last night?" the younger man asked.

Remus frowned. "No. I never have any memory of the change."

"Me, neither. I'm only asking 'cause I'm hoping that all these scratches and bruises aren't because we were having wild monkey sex, because that's happened to me before with another werewolf."

Remus froze in horror. "Oh, God, I hope not."

"You want me to be the next Incarnation of Time?"

Oz was thirty-five. It had been fifteen years since he'd left Sunnydale for good. He thought he could never be surprised by anything after everything he'd seen. He hadn't counted on this.

Clotho, an Aspect of Fate, smiled at him. She had an Australian accent. "Yes. You're the perfect candidate for the job."

"And you know that because you've worked with me in the past, since Chronos lives backwards in time."

"Right. But you can still refuse the job, because for you it hasn't happened yet." She shrugged. "No worries."

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