FLATLANDER, THE NEWBIE

DANIELLE FRANCES DUCREST

The Flatlander was typing away at her computer. She was working on a crossover between Highlander, Buffy, Angel, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and the Tomorrow People. She was so engrossed in it that she glared when her door slammed open, interrupting her concentration.

Several newbies stood there. They were out of breath from running there. "Flatlander, please help us!" one of them gasped. "The newbie hunters-they're not far behind! Please, use your broadsword and help us out!"

"Sorry," she told them. "I'm not getting in the middle of this. I will call the newbie protectors, though."

"Yes, please!"

Flatlander picked up the phone and called CarpeDiem, Dawn, and all of the other newbie protectors. Not long afterwards, they showed up, also breathless from running.

"Okay, we're here," one of the protectors said. "Where are the hunters?"

The Flatlander looked up from her typing at her digital clock. "Wait a minute, you guys said they were right behind you, but that was ten minutes ago!"

A newbie shrugged, sheepish. "We outran them in our truck."

The protectors and Flatlander exchanged a look. "If there wasn't an emergency, why did you guys come to me?" Flatlander asked.

"We panicked."

"We're not that far behind," a girl said in the doorway.

Everyone turned toward the voice to see Kathryn Merteuil and Evil Vamp Anya standing there. EVA was holding a menu in one hand. On the front cover it said, 'Newbie Meals Galore.' She licked her lips as she looked at all of the choices. "Yum," she said, "the Newbie Salad looks appealing." She looked up at the newbies. "Especially when it's fresh."

The newbies moved back a few steps. "Leave them alone!" one of the protectors said bravely.

"No," Kat1 said.

"Then-um, then…" the protector looked at the others.

Kat1 and EVA pulled out crossbows and stakes. "Get out of the way," they said.

The protector's eyes widened. He looked at the others. "Um, did anyone bring any weapons?"

"I did," CarpeDiem said, taking out a stake. Dawn nodded and also took out a stake.

Then the girls and boys started fighting. The newbies tried to stay as far away from it as possible, and so did Flatlander, although she picked up her broadsword to step in if they got too out of hand, like if they hurt her furniture or something.

The newbies turned to her. "Why aren't you fighting?"

"I told you, I don't want to get involved."

"You already got involved!" a newbie exclaimed. "You called the newbie protectors for us. I think that counts." The other newbies nodded in agreement.

Flatlander looked from them to the fight and back to them. She shrugged. "What the heck." She hefted her broadsword and joined the fight.

They kept fighting. No one really wanted to kill anyone. Except for newbies, that is.

At some time, EVA (or was it Kat1?) knocked the Flatlander on the head with a crossbow. Flatlander fell to the ground, unconscious.

When she woke up again, she had a pounding headache. She rubbed her head as she looked around. The room was empty. "Where'd everyone go?" she asked the air.

Her answer was the sound of someone falling, like the sound effect in a Road Runner cartoon. Flatlander looked up at the ceiling when something crashed through the roof, scattering wooden boards everywhere. She crouched down with her head between her knees to avoid most of it.

Someone groaned from within the pile of wood. The Flatlander stood up the same time the figure did.

The figure took off its glasses and winced. "I just bought these last week," he complained. He sighed and tossed the broken glasses away, then turned to face the Flatlander.

She gaped. There, in the middle of the pile, was Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. He was dressed in a suit that was slightly ruffled from the fall.

"Oh, hello," he said in greeting. "You must be the Flatlander. I am Wesley Wyndham-Pryce." He stepped over one of the boards and tripped over another. With a cry, he fell back into the pile.

*Great,* she thought. *I get the 3^rd season Wesley. Couldn't it have been someone who wasn't as clumsy?*

"Excuse me," she said while Wesley tried to get up. She offered a hand and he gractefully accepted it. "But why were you falling from the roof? And aren't you supposed to be in a TV show?"

"Well, the PTB thought I was the best candidate for the job."

"What job?"

"You didn't notice?" he asked. At her blank expression, he said, "You're in an alternate universe."

The Flatlander looked around, confused. "I am?"

"Yes. I am supposed to be your protector, since there are no newbie protectors here."

"What are you talking about? I'm not a newbie."

"Are you?" Wesley smirked. "Check your computer."

The Flatlander walked over to her computer. On the screen was the member list for the buffysearch.com posting board, and her name was listed. Her post count was currently 0.

The Flatlander's mouth dropped. "No way! This was supposed to be my 500 posts thread." She looked back at Wesley. "Don't tell me I have to do it all over again?"

Wesley nodded. "That's not your only problem."

Her face drained of color. "The newbie hunters!"

He nodded. "You were fortunate that when you joined in December there were no newbie hunters, and that you got the rank of scooby gang member rather quickly. This time, however, you have to start when the hunters are in full force. They've grown in numbers, I'm afraid."

"How many of them are there?" she asked, dreading the answer.

"400," he answered.

The Flatlander's mouth dropped. "400! What about the newbie protectors? What happened to them?"

"They were killed or eaten. All of the moderators are hunters now. If anyone who isn't a Newbie doesn't join them, they reduce that person's post number so that they're newbies as well. You had been a little undecided if I recall."

"Yeah," the Flatlander said. Her hands were shaking and she quickly sat down before her knees buckled. "500 posts lost," she said wistfully. "Do you know how much time it took to get that many? Four months!"

Wesley frowned. "Didn't you have only 225 two weeks ago?"

She rolled her eyes. "That's besides the point. I had goals! I wanted to get 500 posts before the end of Easter vacation, which ends today! I wanted to change my custom rank to 'Girl With an Edge'. Spike suggested that. Now I'm a Newbie! How dare they! They can't do that! It's, it's…"

"Completely fair," a man said from the doorway. They turned to see a guy standing there. He pointed his crossbow at them. "Hi. I'm a newbie hunter. I've come for her," he told Wesley, motioning with his head to Flatlander.

"Stay away from her!" Wesley said, stepping in between them.

"I'll also kill pesky Watchers who get in the way."

"Oh," Wesley said, suddenly afraid. "You-you will?"

The Flatlander looked appalled at Wesley, but when she looked back at the crossbow, the expression was replaced with fear.

"EVA recommended the Newbie Salad," he said. "'Guess I need to check it out for myself."

The Flatlander looked around for her sword. It was leaning against the wall next to the newbie hunter. She'd never get it in time. *This is it,* she thought. She closed her eyes.

She heard Wesley shout, "No!"

Then there was nothing.

She opened her eyes. She was the only one in the room. There wasn't any evidence that they had been there. Even her ceiling was fixed.

She groaned. "Now what?" she asked her now intact ceiling.

She looked at the computer. It still displayed the members' list. She checked her post number. It said '499.'

Flatlander smiled. "It can't be," she said, incredulous and very happy. When nothing happened after a few minutes, she began to laugh. Then she went to the General Chat forum and started her 500 posts thread. She wrote down the dream she just had, and afterwards, she wrote:

"I would like to thank the following people for making the board special: CarpeDiem, soul4angel, Kat1, Kat2, Dawn, Spike, Angel, dushku, Faith's Guy, Evil1031, Shadow Whistler, Guro, Wanderer, the Annointed One, Seb, slayergirl.

THE END