A Tribe Called Ed
The cul-de-sac was busy with its usual activity as the children played along the sidewalk, whether it was dancing to the radio, riding bikes, or chattering excitedly. This day was like any other day, but an event was about to happen that would change their lives forever.
At the end of the lane, Double D and Eddy stood around a car that had been mysteriously parked.
"Eddy, I really don't think we should touch it. It's grand-theft auto!" Double D nervously paced back and forth as Eddy stared greedily.
He pointed to the car, "This is my biggest scheme yet! The kids will pay big bucks to ride in this baby! Hoo-yeah! Money for me! Money for me!"
"But Eddy! You don't even have a driver's license!"
Eddy shrugged and spoke flatly, "So what else is new? I've seen my parents drive millions of times! There's nothing to it! Besides, it's too late to back down now; here comes Ed and the kids!"
Indeed, Ed ran towards them with a large sign that read Thrilling Car Ride! Only $.25 as a group of excited people followed.
"Step right up and be the first in line to ride Eddy's Taxi Service! Go where you need to be in half the time!" Eddy announced, slapping Double D in the back of the head.
"OW! I mean...Yes! Better than walking! I would have been late for work if I hadn't taken Eddy's Taxi Service!" he faked a grin as he rubbed his head.
"Wait a second," Kevin huffed, "You dorks can't drive! You're just trying to pull my leg."
"On the contrary, good sir!" Eddy wrapped an arm around him, holding out a jar for money, "Pay $.25 and we'll prove it to you! If you're not satisfied, keep the money AND the car!"
The kids looked at one another and ran over to Eddy, tossing quarters into the jar as they jumped into the back seat of the car. Eddy's eyes flashed dollar signs.
"I was a good sign, huh, Double D?" Ed innocently asked.
Double D sighed in defeat, "Yes, Ed. Get into the car now. The sooner this plan backfires, the sooner I can go watch the documentary on mosquitos."
Ed laughed, picking Double D up and tossing him into the passenger's seat. There, Double D unfolded a map and grabbed a compass from his pocket.
"Oh boy, Plank! A real car ride! I'm excited, too, buddy! Maybe we'll get to visit your family in the forest!" Jonny yelled out among the other voices.
Nazz squealed, "Let's hit the mall!"
Eddy climbed to the driver's seat and snapped his fingers, "Ed, the seatbelts!"
Ed hopped over the seat and preceded to buckle in each kid with at least three seatbelts apiece, "Safety is the key to bologna!"
"Car rides make me nauscious," Jimmy groaned.
Sarah patted him on the shoulder, "It's okay, Jimmy. This is gonna be fun!"
Eddy looked around, "Now how do my parents start this thing?" He fiddled with a few buttons, turning on the radio and windshield wipers until Double D turned the key.
"I was gonna do that, smarty-pants," he grumbled as Double D smirked, "Ed, to the floor!"
Ed sat on the floor and pressed the accelerator, causing the car to take off quickly. The kids began to cheer.
"We are moving faster than Nana on spinach night, yes?" Rolf pressed his face to the window to watch the cul-de-sac rush past in a blur.
Eddy fumbled with the steering wheel while Double D navigated.
"Um, Eddy, there's a curve ahead. You should begin to reduce your speed."
"Say what?"
"SLOW DOWN!"
Eddy shrieked as they hit the large Slow sign and raced down the hill, hitting many smaller trees as the car began to get dents.
As Double D's mirror flung off from hitting a tree, Jonny held onto Plank tight, "Holy cow! We just ran over your Aunt Sylvia!"
"Ed, stop this crazy thing!" Eddy yelled as he struggled to get a grip on the steering wheel.
Double D's eyes flung open, "EDDY, NO!" It was too late, for Ed sat on the brake, sending it to a screeching halt, but the back end flew over the top, sending it tumbling the rest of the way downhill.
"Now I know I'm going to throw up!" little Jimmy cried.
The car ride was indeed thrilling, but no sooner than it had stopped, the vehicle was picked up in a river current and swept further downstream. The river soon ended as it ran into the ocean.
Hours later, the car began to leak around the doors, slowly sinking. Kevin jumped to the roof and helped each kid out. He growled at the three Eds, "I say we should throw them overboard for this!"
The other soaked children nodded in agreement, reaching their hands out to grab them, but were tossed about as the car was caught in a whirlpool. As each curve was taken, the terrified youngsters were flung from the roof and into the depths of the water. The car was soon swallowed up and sent to the base of the mighty ocean, and then it was calm and quiet.
~~~~~~~~~~
The morning sun peeked over beautiful scenery of palm trees and exotic flowers as the waves brushed against the beach, washing away at the fresh footprints in its sands. Near the tiny footprints lay small tracks, as if something was dragged from the waters.
Eddy left out a soft moan as his eyes slowly opened, letting the blob above him form itself into the shape of his friend, "Uhhhhmmm...my head...Double D?"
An equally ragged-looking Double D kneeled down to Eddy, strumming his fingers gently over a wound. Eddy winced.
"Where are we and what happened?" he asked, struggling to rise up.
Double D attempted to hold his friend down, "Don't move, Eddy, you could be seriously hurt. We appear to be on a deserted island, and you must have hit your head when the waves washed you ashore."
"A-who-da-whas-it?" he stuttered, looking around at the scenery. Once it soaked into his head, he fell back down with a heavy sigh, "Geez, this is all my fault. Where is everyone else?"
"All the kids are alright. They have found sanctuary further into the jungle. Now, you stay still while I run and get help," Double D answered, slowly rising to his feet and running into the flowery bushes.
"Hey, don't leave me here!" Eddy raised a hand, but put it back down. A loud crunch was heard.
"YAAAAAAAAAAH! DOUBLE D!"
Eddy ran down the side of the beach, holding onto his hand while screaming at the top of his lungs. Nearby, a crab scuttled back into his home before it washed back into the waters.
~~~~~~~~~~
Deeper into the jungle, the sounds of disoriented children echoed throughout the bushes. Double D emerged from the bushes, panting from his long run.
"I found Eddy, but I need help getting him back here," he gasped as he leaned on a palm tree.
He moved to the side in a rush as a coconut fell to the ground, followed by Ed's laughter.
"Bowling balls grow on trees, Double D!" he pointed out, sliding down the trunk and onto his friend's back.
"Thank you for sharing, Ed. Will you please get off me now? Eddy needs our help!"
Ed's eyes opened wide, "Eddy's in trouble? The evil sea monster got him! RUN!" He flew into the bushes, "I'm coming, Eddy!"
Kevin stood up from his position under the makeshift hut, huffing, "If I wasn't so tired and hungry, I might have even laughed at the guy. Let's go save Dorky before he causes us any more damage."
~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, somewhere on the opposite side of the island, Eddy was laying on the ground, regaining his breath, "Stupid crab. If he hadn't been three times my size, I might have beaten him!"
A low rumbling sound disturbed his thoughts. He looked down as he felt his stomach rumbled, "Need food."
He spied a large plant nearby with colorful berries growing from it. At first, he was unsure, but the smell they gave off was unbearable. Eddy proceeded to rip them off greedily, throwing large amounts into his mouth.
He stopped after a while, pausing to let out a large burp that rustled through the trees. Happy that his stomach was full, Eddy passed out under a tree, his face twisted in a drugged manner.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Eddy! Eddy, where are you?" the kids called out, inspecting each and every rock, shell, and log on the beach.
"I knew I left him right here," Double D thought aloud, rubbing his head in confusion, "He was too weak to get up and walk on his own."
Double D fell to the ground once again as Ed fell from another tree, "The sea monster got him, Double D!"
Rolf nodded, "Dimwitted Ed-boy may be right. I have seen these sea monsters. They sneak onto shore and gobble up unsuspecting children, yes?"
Ed jumped up and ran screaming down the shore. Double D put his hands on his hips and shook his head.
"Smooth move, Rolf," Kevin spat, "Now we have to go chase him down."
Double D tried to put a positive note on the situation despite the groans of the other children, "Well, this is a good chance to find Eddy as well."
They stared at him.
"Uh...we may find nourishment, too."
He received confused looks. He sighed, "Food, people."
"Ooooooooh!" they all spoke in unison, hurrying down the beach into the bushes in which Ed ran to.
~~~~~~~~~~
Under the light of a full moon, the group of children lay on the ground, exhausted from an entire day of searching the island. Unfortunately, they had not found either Ed or Eddy, and to top it off, they were lost and hungry.
A figure cast a shadow over Jonny's head. He rubbed his eyes with his fists and looked up.
"Plank! Do you see who I see?"
Of course, only Jonny heard the plywood's answer, but it was enough to make him jump to his feet in excitement.
"It's Ed and Eddy!"
"Big whoopity-doo," Kevin huffed, slowly rising up as the other kids ran to their lost friends.
Ed and Eddy were not wearing their clothes, but instead, had grass skirts of some sort. Over their shoulders, they had their shirts tied and bound with something loaded inside. Neither said a word, but stood there with an ecstatic look in their eyes.
Upon greeting the two, the kids were dancing with joy as the makeshift bags were tossed to the ground and mounds of berries fell around their feet.
Double D grabbed a few of the fruit before the others swooped it up. He gave one a close examination.
"I don't think we should consume these. Eating an unknown food could result in deep consequences," he stated, watching the other kids eating happily. Shrugging, he popped a few in his mouth.
The kids ate until their stomachs bulged and their faces stained with juices. They lay back on the ground, hearing maniacal gibberish in the voices of Ed and Eddy before they drifted off into a peaceful, drugged sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~
In the darkness of the early morning, the island paradise was aroused with the sounds of the children as they danced under the effects of the wild berries. A fire had eventually been built in the center of the makeshift campsite, causing large shadows to prance around through the trees.
Like Ed and Eddy, the others were all unclothed down to the same ragged loincloths, and chattering in an ecstatic state. Near the fire, Sarah sat playing a set of drums made from some wild animal. She happily played at them until interrupted by her brother, who was dancing a tad too close. She grabbed her spear and proceeded to chase him around the blazing fire.
The others laughed and yelled maniacally, joining in the fun. A loud yelp was heard as Ed ran into the bushes holding onto his rear. Sarah smirked, tossed her spear to the side, and continued to beat on the drums.
All seemed well on the island, but as the sun began to cast its rays over the horizon, another tribe quietly made way to the campsite. They were a tribe like no other, because they carried hunting rifles, tranquilizers, and nets of all shapes and sizes. They were in a position to kill.
Nearing the center of the island jungle, their ears heard the unsuspecting child-tribe as they pranced happily, not knowing their lives were in danger.
“Get your guns ready, boys,” one whispered to the other men, “We don’t know what’s out there.”
He hushed quickly upon hearing a ruffle in the bushes. All gun barrels were pointed in one direction as Ed came running out, still panicky about having been poked with Sarah’s spear. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked the men over. His eyes flew open and he stumbled to the ground, but was able to gather himself and run back towards the bushes in an act to warn the others.
A shot was heard.
Back at the campsite, silence fell over the children, and they froze in fear. They heard footsteps running quickly towards them. Ed jumped from the bushes once more, yelling some gibberish as he ran past everyone. They looked at one another for a moment, and then ran like hell once the sound of many footsteps came near.
The group of hunters emerged and stopped at the small campsite, looking around.
“Did you see where it went?”
“What WAS that thing?”
One of the men looked at the many footprints in the dirt, “There’s gotta be more of ‘em around here. They’ll be worth a good bit of money apiece. Let’s track ‘em down!”
With that, the hunt was on!
~~~~~~~~~~
The kids ran through the island paradise, hoping to seek shelter for whatever was following them. They stopped in a secluded area to catch their breath.
“Zoot! Shnarfle! Geeeeeeeeeek!” Eddy yelled at Ed while pointing back where the strange intruders emerged, apparently asking him what they looked like.
Ed, being the dumb one, stood on his tiptoes with his arm stretched above his head, telling the kids how big the monsters were. They gasped in shock.
He grabbed a stick and held it out like a gun, poking Eddy in the arm and making a shotgun noise. The others huddled together and murmured among themselves.
No sooner had he described their enemy, they were discovered! Nets were flung on a few of the kids as the others desperately tried to get away. Ed grabbed Sarah’s arm, attempting to run to safety. One of the men lassoed her by the leg and drug her from Ed’s grasp. He turned and jumped on the man, thrashing at him with all his energy, but to no avail. A tranquilizer had been shot into his arm, and he fell to the ground.
Jonny and Jimmy did not stand a chance against the hunters. They fell in exhaustion and were drugged to sleep as well, as Kevin, Nazz, and Eddy were taken down, but not after a struggle that left them sleeping in the hunter’s arms.
Double D and Rolf nearly made a clean getaway as they scrambled towards a large gorge nearby. A yell was heard as Rolf was sent to the ground by a lasso and taken in. With nowhere else to go, Double D stood still and allowed himself to be captured.
The group of men cheered in victory as the drugged children were placed in cages and carried through the jungle.
“Man, we’re gonna make a fortune!” one of the men called out as they neared a boat that had been paddled onto shore for the new shipment.
~~~~~~~~~~
The sound of an old-world village ringed into Eddy’s ears as he slowly opened his eyes. He gave them a rub and looked around. Men and women surrounded him, some tending to livestock as others tried to make a profit from their goods. He tried to stand up, but hit his head on the cage he was still trapped in.
“Ow, my aching head. I feel like I’ve slept for a hundred years on a rock,” he sighed, but then jumped over to Double D as he began to yawn, signaling the wearing down of the tranquilizer.
He looked at his surroundings, then to Eddy, “Eddy, what happened? Where are we?”
“I don’t know. The last thing I remember was eating some weird berries in the jungle,” he shrugged, looking down at the loincloths he still wore, “And what’s with the Tarzan outfits anyway?”
A man in a turban walked over to the cages, poking a stick to Eddy, then to Double D. They watched in confusion as he poked each kid from their sleep, inspecting each one as they looked on in surprise. The man walked towards one of the hunters, who had been perched nearby.
“How much are they apiece?” he asked in a foreign accent.
“A hundred shillings apiece. Two hundred for the big one, and three for the stronger two.”
The kids jumped in surprise. They were in a strange country and were about to be sold as servants!
Eddy jumped up, hitting his head again, and held onto the bars of the cage, yelling, “Hey! You can’t do that! We’re not for sale!”
The man threw a rock at the cage, hitting Eddy in the hand, “You keep it down over there!”
Eddy stuck his hand in his mouth and raised an eyebrow as Double D walked over to him.
"This is a fine mess we're in. How are we going to get out of this one?"
Rolf raised up, digging into his pockets. He pulled out a rather large file, "Maybe my toenail file will be of use?"
He held it out to Double D, who gently shoved it back, making a disgusted face, "Er, um...it'll take forever to use that. But thanks anyway."
"Oooh! I know!" Ed perked up, "I know how to get through the bars. I do it all the time when I'm grounded!"
"Take a shot at it, Ed-ini," Eddy huffed, cradling his hand in the other.
Ed laughed stupidly and stood near a row of bars. He stretched his mouth to a cartoonish proportion and bit down, shattering five bars as his teeth collided.
"Way to go, Ed, you're a..."
"HEY!" their guard yelled, "Get back in there!"
Everyone fleed from the cage, running into the crowd of surprised villagers. Ed resisted the urge to gather the chickens as they raced through them.
"But I love chickens!"
"Ed, you can have all the chickens you want when we get back home...if we ever do!" Sarah yelled to her brother before tripping over one of the feathered fowl and falling behind.
The man scooped her up, but received a sharp bite to his hand. As Sarah fell to the ground, Ed ran over in time to snatch her and continued running.
Rolf pointed to a tent selling hand-made robes, "We can hide in there! Hurry!"
The kids scurried inside, hiding in the differen robes. Rolf peeked his face from under a hood to watch their captor bolt right by.
"Follow me; there's a port nearby. We can hop one of the boats and sail home."
They snuck towards the docks, each hiding in four different robes on the shoulders of another. Upon deciding that the coast was clear, the robed children climbed the ladder and jumped to the deck as it began to set sail.
"Hey! We don't take stow-aways!" an American voice exclaimed.
"Well, that's okay; we know what to do with 'em."
Double D shrieked, "Eddy, it's the hunters!"
The kids all began to wail and fuss, pleading with the group of men. The men looked at one another, before one quieted them down.
"Hey, HEY! Settle down; we ain't gonna hurt ya."
He held up a newspaper. On the front page was a picture of the kids wearing loins. The headline read: Rare Pigmy Tribe Found on Deserted Island.
"Your parents saw this and gave such a fuss, so any of us were sent to that village to find you."
"And now that you've been found, we better call in the others..." another man said as he spoke to a radio, "Do you read me? The kids have been found; we're pulling out of port and heading home. Over."
"Roger that. We're contacting the parents now. Over and out."
~~~~~~~~~~
It was a beautiful sight to see as the cul-de-sac was flooded with kids in their tribal attire, each running towards their parents.
"Boy, that was some adventure, huh?" Eddy asked Double D as they made way to their relieved parents.
"I'll say. But next time you try to do something like that, I'm gonna drop a piano on your head."
"Now what kind of friend are you? ...Make it three...," he urged as he was soon scooped from the ground by his mother.
The entire cul-de-sac had been moved by their journey. Perhaps it would be a while before Eddy had another sca-
"Double D! I just had a great idea! We could put together a make-shift island and charge people to vacation! Who wouldn't pay to see the Tribe of the Ed?"
...Nevermind.
The End
