The Wiz-Ed of Oz
Night fell upon the cul-de-sac as the children of the neighborhood rushed to their homes before the street lights lit up. (If a child was still outside when the lights came on, it meant trouble, for it was way past their curfew.) The streets were empty, except for three boys.
"Eddy, please, could you walk a tad faster? It's getting late and we are supposed to be at your house before nightfall!" Double D panicked, pulling and tugging at Eddy's shirt to no avail.
Ed ran circles around the two, his hands outstretched, "This is like the scary movie I say the other day. It was dark and three brave people had to find their way without getting caught by the werewolf!"
"Werewolf?" Double D squeaked, looking around in a paranoid manner, "Eddy, let's get outta here!"
"Okay, okay, just stop whining! Geez Louise...," Eddy grumbled as he sped up to a normal walk.
"Eddy, I can't see!" Ed yelled, running repeatedly into a pole. The light on top began to shine bright, illuminating the sidewalk.
"We're in for it now. I've never been out past curfew! There goes my clean record! Next thing you know, I'll be staying up past my bedtime...WITHOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH!"
"Snap out of it, Double D!" Eddy popped him in the head, "We're here already."
He put his hand on the doorknob to open it, but it twisted by itself. The door creaked open and Loni flew out of it, "Dere ya'll are! Holy crap, I've been worried sick!"
Eddy rolled his eyes, "Yeah, we're fine. Didn't need to call the National Guard to find us."
Ed saluted, "Ten-four!"
Loni moved his hand from his forehead, looking at the discolored mark along his face, "Ed, have you been chasin' parked cars again? C'mon inside and I'll clean dat up for ya." She ushered Eddy and Double D in, "Dinner's on the table. I'll be dere in a minute."
She took Ed upstairs towards the bathroom as the other two headed for the kitchen. Eddy slumped into his chair.
Double D shifted uneasily into another chair, "Is something troubling you, Eddy? You've been acting strange ever since our parents left."
Eddy's face remained fixed into an angered expression as he twiddled with the fork nearby, "Stupid parents...always going places and leaving us behind."
"But Eddy," Double D spoke, his voice full of concern, "Parents need to get out at times and have their own fun. They left us with a responsible..."
"Babysitter," he interrupted, "They left us with a babysitter, because they don't trust us to be left alone."
Ed came bouncing into the kitchen, poking the bandage on his face.
"I don't like bein' called a babysitter," Loni smirked as she entered the room, "I prefer the term 'temporary parental unit'. Ed, please don't poke dat; it won't heal." She sat beside Eddy, giving him a nudge in the arm with her elbow, "Besides, don't ya think of me more as a friend?"
He gave a relaxed sigh and smiled, "Yeah, I guess so."
Double D sat back in his chair, happy his friend was acting his normal self again.
"I'm hungry!" Ed said aloud, still poking at the bandage.
"You're fixin' to be roadkill iffin' ya don't stop pokin' dat sore like I said," Loni waved a spoon, "But my momma fixed my favorite for us tonight; I'm sure ya'll are gonna like it. Jambalaya!"
She poured a bit into each bowl, the Eds giving it a strange look.
She shrugged, "I know, it looks like somethin' a cat hacked up, but it's really delicious. G'on, try it. I guar-ahn-tee you'll like it."
Ed wasted no time in plowing into it, having it slurped down in a matter of seconds. Double D took enough time to actually taste it. He appeared to enjoy it, but Eddy sat with his arms folded, too stubborn to give it a try.
Loni thought for a moment, then yelled and pointed behind him, "Is dat a jawbreaker over dere?!"
Eddy turned and opened his mouth to say Where?, but had a spoon shoved in instead. He chewed in thought, taking in the taste, and swallowed, "Not bad...not bad at all. Hey! Maybe we could sell this for cash!"
"Oh, I think Eddy's gettin' delirious...better get ya'll ready for bed," Loni laughed, picking up the dishes and shooing the boys upstairs, "I'm gonna wash dese and when I come upstairs, I better see each of you cleaned up in in your night-clothes. Got it?"
~~~~~Part 2~~~~~
It took an act of Congress, but the boys (Ed included) were washed up and in Eddy's bedroom. Loni gave a knock on the door, "Ya'll decent?"
She walked in and sat in the chair next to the bed, tucking the three in.
"But I'm not sleepy!" Ed moaned, "Tell us a story!"
Ed popped him in the head, "We're too old for stories. That's not cool!"
"On the contrary," Double D replied, "Stories help in the advancement of knowledge."
"Uh, yeah, what he said... Well, I don't have any books to go by, so how about we take turns addin' chapters to a story? I'll start first...." Loni turned off the ceiling light and flicked on the lamp nearby.
"Well...dis is a classic story my momma used to tell me when I was younger...The Wizard of Oz. Ahem, once upon a time, dere lived dis girl, right? Dor...Doro...Dorothy! Yeah das it! Well, anyways, she lived in Kansas with her aunt and uncle and lil' dog...."
"Gravy!" Ed yelled, interrupting.
"...yeah, Gravy, the lil' dog. Well, one day, a tornado blew her house away...all the way to Oz."
"Okay! I know! I know what happens next!"
Loni lifted an eyebrow, "What happened, Ed?"
"Well, while the house was in the air, Dorothy and Gravy fell out the window and landed in the jungle where zombies attacked her. She is their Zombie Queen now...and Gravy...he melted in a puddle of goo."
Eddy raised up, as if he had a brilliant idea, "Oooh! I know what happens next!"
*little waves melt into the scene in Oz*
The brilliant and handsome Eddy was talking to a woman, discussing legal matters about the yellow brick road.
"Yeah, I'll sell it to ya...but I want the money upfront, see? Yellow brick roads don't buy jawbreakers, ya know."
As the woman was about to hand the brilliant and handsome jawbreaker tycoon a whopping load of moo-lah...
(Loni: Eddy, get off it already...)
(Eddy: Okay, okay, geez...just trying to add some good stuff.)
...a humungoid house fell on the woman, leaving only her feet showing. Suddenly, a bubble floated by and popped into a girl (who amazingly resembled Nazz).
"Oh, Eddy, you're so powerful! You defeated the evil witch of the South-east!"
(Loni: Pinch me, I'm gaggin'...OW! I didn't mean to actually do it, Ed!)
(Ed: My turn! My turn!)
The bubbly fairy pointed her wand at the woman's feet, "Now you must wear the weiners upon her feet! They have magical powers!"
(Edd: I don't recall weiners in this story...but entertaining nonetheless...)
(Eddy: No way! I ain't putting weiners on my feet!)
"You must put them on before the munchkin people eat them!" the fairy said. Suddenly, the weiners fell off the woman's feet and flew to Eddy.
(Edd: Perhaps I should go next?)
(Loni: Have at it, Edward...it can't get any weirder.)
The boy tried the food by-products on, "A perfect fit! Now, what, dear lady, should I do now?"
"The witch wanted to purchase the yellow brick pavement to use for evil. You must go and defeat her sister, the witch of the North-west, before she destroys the road in a fit of rage."
(Eddy: Whoa...relax with the big words...this is a children's tale!)
(Loni: I guess it's my turn to pick it up?)
So, Eddy was on his way to the wicked witch of the North-west's castle in the mountains, but not until after a tribal dance with the munchkins. Hey, he had to show off his new weiner-shoes, right?
Along the way, he came across a vast cotton field. It was too tall for him to see over, since he was such a shrimpy lil' guy.
(Eddy: Hey! Not funny!)
(Edd: I'm laughing, aren't I?)
Suddenly, a head popped up from the top, "Gravy!"
(Loni: Gravy? Oh, I guess it's Ed's turn again...)
A scarecrow fell from the cotton field onto the yellow brick road.
"You're naked!" Eddy screamed.
"Yes, I am. I am surrounded by cotton, but do not have the brains to figure out I can sew my own clothing with it."
Eddy was nice enough to stitch a pair of pants for the scarecrow, who in turn gave him a hundred dollars.
(Ed: Eddy! It's not your turn!)
(Eddy: It is now, you lump!)
(Loni: Whoo boy...ya'll chill and let me fix dis...)
But Eddy was too nice to take the money. He figured the scarecrow could go to the nearest outlet and buy a shirt, so he gave the money back.
(Edd: Eddy? Nice? Oh right...this is a fairy tale...)
So, the two happily strolled down the yellow brick road...well, the scarecrow had Eddy on his shoulders, 'cuz he was a tiny lad and...
(Eddy: Quit with all the short references!)
(Edd: Wow, tutoring has paid off.)
The scarecrow whipped a large machete from under his hat and hacked at the rows of cotton, until dey found the forest of big scary-as-heck stuff.
(Edd: Oh please, can we not have nightmare-enticing things? I'll pick it up from here.)
The forest was not as scary as it seemed...in fact, it was a rather peaceful place to plan a picnic. But, oh! Beneath an old apple tree, there stood a tin-girl...and she looked rather peeved from her immobile position. Beside her lay a can of oil, perfect for stiff limbs, but hard to remove from the driveway.
The girl was overjoyed, and decided she, too, would help win back the yellow brick road. So, the duo-turned-trio skipped merrily through the forest.
(Ed: Boring! My turn! Me! Me!)
But danger lurked nearby as they came to the end of all the trees. It was the Suspecific Ocean! And large alligators jumped from the water, flying towards them with their large wings! AAAAAAAAAAH!
(Loni: Dude, love dis guy's imagination.)
(Eddy: Nah, he was dropped on his head as a baby.)
And so, the three battled with the alligators for rights to claim the mighty ocean. When they were finished, the alligators were turned into nifty handbags...
(Eddy: To sell on the market for money!)
(All: EDDY!)
(Eddy: Okay, okay...my turn!)
The handsome Eddy, scarecrow, and tin-girl reached the Grand Canyon, apparantly lost, since the scarecrow ATE the map!
(Ed: Sorry, Eddy!)
Luckily, somewhere in the Grand Canyon, there sat a scrawny little lion with a sock-hat and GAPPED-teeth, and, boy, was he scared!
(Edd: I don't like the direction this story is going. Let me have a turn, here.)
The lion wasn't very scared...the sight of a tin-girl, a scarecrow, and an Eddy could startle anyone! But he decided to accompany the trio, because he enjoyed taking walks along the yellow brick road, and knew the witch would destroy it.
(Eddy: Lame! I'll fix it!)
After what seemed like a bazillion years, they FINALLY reached the mountain. But the witch was ready for them! She flung hideous flying Kanker monkeys at them.
"Get ready for you kisses!" they screeched.
(Edd: AAAAH! I'll have nightmares for weeks!)
Eddy shot lazers from his eyes in a frenzy, frying the monkeys into ashes.
(Loni: Hard to believe, but I like it! I'll go next...)
The four climbed the mountain and jumped the witch...I mean, geez, it was four-to-one! Who ya think would win? Anyways, with the witch turned to a puddle, the three were able to hop on her broom and fly back to Oz, where dey met the Wiz-Ed.
"Buttered toast!" the Wiz-Ed exclaimed.
(Eddy: No fair! He's being two characters!)
Anyways, the Wiz-Ed granted each a prize for bein' so brave, aight? The lion won his bravery, the scarecrow received his brain, the tin-girl was transformed into a real girl, 'cuz rust wasn't her style. And Eddy...
(Eddy: became the WEALTHIEST jawbreaker tycoon! And he bought Dorothy's house so he could put up a tollbooth along the yellow brick road, charging everyone a quarter to pass. He lived happily ever after. THE END.)
*little waves melt back into the present*
Eddy grinned big, "Man, can I tell a story or what?"
Instead of answers, all he received was snores. Everyone was fast asleep.
"Awww, come on! I was going to tell the story of "King Eddy and the Golden Jawbreaker Touch"! Guys? Guys? Hello?"
The End
(Or lack, thereof...)
