This is a page for all those email funnies you have that you don't know what to do with! I'm gon' see if I have any more, but I need your help to make dis page great. If you have a funny you'd like to have on dis page, you can email it to me here an' I'll put it on dis page as soon as I can. I look forward to readin' your jokes an' funny stories!
Grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also help me to be more careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me give 100% at work:
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
*Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
* Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was; she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
* Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* And whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word lisp?
* If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
* Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
* What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
* Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will break in and clean them?
* Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?
* Why do they put Braille on drive-thru bank machines?
* Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* And what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her neck. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
P.S. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too (there are only eight of them, for crying out loud!) And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate (ink washes off) and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
Addendum #1: Yes, the dogs bite. And yes, they're going with you two.
Addendum #2: I'm a good shot.
-Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
-Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
-Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
-Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
-Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
-Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
-Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by .... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
-Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev.Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE 4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
12. She doesn't have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She's PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASSHOLE - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITHCHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
In a Madras India restaurant WE DON'T SERVE FOOD ON THE ASTRAY
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
