Never Ask
Riley’s POV
I would have never thought that she would outlast me in life. I thought I was doomed to spend all the years of my life without her. But I wasn’t. She came back for me. She fought for us when I didn’t. When I no longer had faith in her, she had enough faith in me for the both of us. Her reasons at the time may have been selfish. Later, her reasons were anything but.
I look back on the years we were apart and I wonder why she didn’t come after me sooner. Why she didn’t love me enough then to make me stay? But that just takes me back to a time when we didn’t even have a love. Well not in my eyes anyway. When I was a broken man. When I ran away to other countries to solve my problems.
It gave us time to grow. And a day didn’t go by that I didn’t think of her. And then without notice she walked back into my life. That day had to be the best and the worst day of my life.
//Some people spent a lifetime trying to figure out what they want from life. Once I met you, I knew what I wanted. I wanted you.
But I’m not you, Riley. I didn’t know from the moment I saw you. It took me some time to realize what I wanted was you.//
I got so many more years with her than I thought possible. The first time I was with her I thought that she would die one day while patrolling and I would be without her for the rest of my life. But now she has to go on without me for the rest of hers.
But what happened was worst than losing her to death. I lost her to herself. Looking back, I thought she was so selfish. But now as I look at her beautiful face. I realize she was anything but.
She gave up everything she’s ever loved to save the world. She even gave up me so I could become the man she knew I could be. Only she didn’t know it at the time. She let me go because she didn’t have the time or strength to help me deal. I wish I could blame her, but in the end, she came back to me. What kind of man would I be if I couldn’t forgive her?
//Forgive me, Riley??
Always.//
All the doctors have left, leaving the grieving widow to cry over her husband’s body. My body. We both knew that this day was coming. The Initiative permanently damaged my heart. The doctors told me I wasn’t going to live a day after thirty, but I did. I lived to be thirty-six years old. Not quite an old man, but long enough for me to lead the life I always wanted.
I could've die at any moment and Buffy stayed with me. She failed the first test of our love, but the one that really counted she passed. She was the one that held me at night while I cried myself to sleep. She was the one who tied my shoes when I no longer could. She was the one who always had a smile on her face for me.
She stayed with me and went through my pain right along side me. Something that I didn’t do for her because she never asked me too. I never asked Buffy to stay with me, but she stayed without question.
//You made me fall for you.
Buffy, I had to. I was a goner from the moment I saw you.//
I watch as the tears flow down her cheeks. And I see the love in her eyes that I saw for the last six years of my life. It took us some time to get back to where we should have been all along. But we got there and we were happy for all of those six years. She brought me breakfast in bed almost everyday, and I brought her flowers home from work every Friday.
I can feel my soul slipping away from the earth, and a part of me wants to go. But the other part wants to stay with her, even though she never asked.
//What are you doing?
Riley Finn, the love of my life. Will you marry me?//
I don’t know how I’m going to leave her. She’s been my life for as long as I can remember. I can’t even remember what life was like before her. Even the lonely nights without her proved to be worth it. And when she found me, I had never felt so whole in my entire life. I finally got the love I always wanted.
And how is she ever going to live without me? I know she never said it, but I know she always dreaded this day. The day I would leave her. In some ways, I think Buffy knew I would leave first. Somewhere deep inside of her, she knows her work on earth isn’t done. She still has so many lives to save.
//I’m so tired of saving the world.
Buffy, if you didn’t do it, who would?//
I’m waiting for my life to flash before my eyes, but it hasn’t yet. I don’t think it ever will. It was too wonderful to be condensed, and I’m afraid that the guys up there would miss something. One of Buffy’s incredible smiles or the way the sun reflects off of her golden hair. The time she stubbed her toe, the one morning she made me blueberry pancakes, or the time she took me to the movies.
//Buffy, we’ve already seen this movie. Twice.
I know!//
At times, Buffy was a breath of fresh air. My dream in the world, the purpose in my life, and my tie to the world. She still feels like fresh dew in the morning, a gentle breeze by the ocean, and the sun beaming down from a mountaintop. Just looking at her puts my soul at ease. I always thought she had destroyed me when she left, but she didn’t destroy me at all. She gave me lasting peace.
With all I’ve seen and done, I can explain almost anything. But there’s one thing that still remains a mystery. No matter how long I stayed with her on earth, Buffy would always be a mystery. When she came after me, she took a leap of faith I never thought she would. Her return restored my trust in her. Unconditional trust.
//Buffy, what are you doing cooking? I thought you promised not to cook unless I was here to put out the fire.
Don’t you trust me??//
She’s the only thing I have left to believe in anymore. Belief is a strong word. At one time, I only used it for God, but I now can explain him. I still can’t explain Buffy. So all I can do is believe in her. And take that same leap of faith she took for me.
The clock strikes midnight and I know it’s time for me to go. There’s no white light, but this feeling that something’s waiting for me. And I never was one to keep someone waiting, but looking at her, I want to make that someone wait forever. Just so I can watch her. Watch the tears fall. I just wish I could kiss them away.
But I have to do one thing before I go. Gently, I lean over and whisper into Buffy’s ear. I see the recognition in her eyes as I whisper my finally words to her.
“Happy Birthday, baby.”
“Riley.”
I know she’s looking around the room for my spirit but it’s already gone. My spirit won’t rest until her work on earth is done. Until her spirit can rest. Maybe then I’ll ask her to stay with me.
*****
Never Tell
Buffy’s POV
Oh my love, my darling
I hunger for your touch
alone, lonely time
I could never tell anyone that I dream of Riley ever night. I have ever since his death. The night he died I curled up on his side of the bed and dreamt of him. I could still smell his shampoo in the pillow. His smell faded a long time ago, but the dreams haven’t. They come night after night. A night hasn’t gone by that he hasn’t visited me. Visited in my dreams.
In the dreams, it’s like he never left. Never died. We picked up right where we left off. Where we always deserved to be.
I never tell him that I miss him or that I can’t live without him. That every time I see him my hearts breaks just a little more. I can’t tell him that he’s just a dream. I never could and I never will. I keep that bottled inside me. I know he knows but some things are better left unsaid.
I feel like if I start sleeping on my side of the bed, the dreams would end. So I’ve taken the left side permanently. Riley loved the left side. The first time we were together I got the left side, the second time around he got the left side. He never asked about it and I never told him that I wanted it. I’d much rather have him than the left side of the bed.
and time goes by, so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine
It’s been thirty-three years exactly since Riley died. My thirty-third birthday without him. The time has gone faster than I expected. But not a day goes by without me thinking of him. Or dreaming of him. I guess I’m luckier than any other widower, but I want him back.
I can’t help but wonder what heaven is like. What he’s been doing for the past thirty-three years. I know that’s where he is. Where else would the golden boy be if he couldn’t be here with me?
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me
I went to his grave today and just sat. I must have spent hours there, but I never looked at my watch once. I didn’t see the second hand tick off the seconds of my life.
I never thought that I would have to live without him. I never looked into my future and saw myself as a widower, but I guess that’s why life is so mysterious.
The pain is still strong today. Especially today. I guess I've never had a happy birthday in my life after becoming the Slayer. But I welcome my birthdays. Just means I get that closer to my death. Closer to him.
Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
When we found out that Riley wasn’t going to live much longer, my first thought was to run. I didn’t need for someone else close to me to die and leave me again. But something told me to stay. Maybe it was the wind on a cold night, the moon yelling down to me, or the stars shining down on me. Whatever it was, I’m grateful I stayed with him.
I never told him that I wanted to die first. I didn’t think I could live without him. But I didn’t have to live without him. He was always there whenever I closed my eyes.
Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me
I'll be coming home, wait for me
I just miss him so much. The dreams at one time were enough, but I want more. I need more. I deserve more. I fought long and hard for this world. I did more than my share of saving the world. Now, I think it’s my time to rest. Rest with the one I love.
Tonight I’ll close my eyes. And I’ll see my darling Riley. Maybe he’ll finally show me where he’s been hiding for the past thirty-three years. I hope he asks me to stay.
Oh my love, my darling...