Blonde Jokes
Q: What are the worst six years in a blondes life?
A: Third Grade!
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the screen!
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the forzen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence!
Q: What do you get when you put 20 blondes ear to ear?
A: A WIND TUNNEL!
Q: What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump off the top of a building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
A: The brunette, the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her there is a chicken in the corner, go catch it!
There were three blondes walking in the woods and they came across some tracks. The first blonde says, "Look, deer tracks!" The second blonde says, "Those aren't deer tracks stupid, those are bear tracks!" The third blonde says, "Ya'll both are wrong, those are tiger tracks!" They all began to argue. Then the train hit them!
There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, and they just broke out of prison. The cops were after them, so they ran into this barn. In this barn there were sacks of potatoes everywhere. So they took some empty sacks and hid in them. The cops came in the barn and were searching. The went to the brunette's sack first. The brunette thought real hard and finally said, "woof woof!" The cops said, "Aw it's just a dog." Then they went to the red heads sack. She said, "Meoooooooow!" The cops said, "It's just a cat." Then they came by the blonde's sack. She was thinking really hard, then finally she said, "Potatoe, Potatoe, Potatoe!"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....and
one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo!!! Can you see Florida.......?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She
asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he
could s see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today
you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to
the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel
was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled
back,
"IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on
the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To
which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you
are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought
for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the
blond.
"They're watch dogs."
1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what kind of bait was used to catch 'em.
2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.
3.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
5. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only 7 last names in the church directory.
6. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
7. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
8. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
9. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
10. The final words of benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optiona)
Redneck Talk...see if you can read it. (Hint: Think like a REDNECK!)
MR DUCKS
You Might Be a Blue Neck ...
Red Necks are southerners; Blue Necks are northerners
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
WAYS TO ANNOY A YANKEE
* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
Q. Do Southerners laugh at different things than Northerners do?
A. Yes-- Northerners.
Some linemen were busy putting up telephone poles through a farmer's fields. The farmer ordered them off his land, whereupon they showed him a paper giving them the right to plant poles wherever they pleased. Not long afterward a big and vicious bull charged the linemen. The old farmer sat on a nearby fence and yelled, "Show him yer papers! Show him yer papers!"
THIRTY BOOKS OF THE BIBLE... CAN YOU FIND THEM? (This is not a joke or a trick)
There are thiry books of the Bible in this paragraph. Can you find them? This is a most remarkable puzzle. It was found by a gentleman in an airplane seat pocket, on a flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, keeping him occupied for hours. He enjoyed it so much, he passed it on to some friends. One friend from Illinois worked on this while fishing from his john boat. Another friend studied it while playing his banjo. Elaine Taylor, a columnist friend, was so intrigued by it she mentioned it in her weekly newspaper column. Another friends judges the job of solving this puzzle so involving, she brews a cup of tea to help her nerves. There will be some names that are really easy to spot. That's a fact. Some people, however, will soon find themselves in a jam, especially since the book names are not necessarily capitalized. Truthfully, from answers we get, we are forced to admit it usually takes a minister or a scholar to see some of them at the worst. Research has shown that something in our genes is responsible for the difficulty we have in seeing the books in this paragraph. During a recent fund raising event, which featured this puzzle, the Alpha Delta Phi lemonade booth set a new sales record. The local paper, The Chronicle, surveyed over 200 patrons who reported that this puzzle was one of the most difficult they had ever seen. As Daniel Humana humbly puts it, "the books are all right here in plain view hidden from sight." Those able to find all of them will hear great lamentations from those who have to be shown. One revelation that mey help is that books like Timothy and Samuel may occur without their nembers. Also, keep in mind, that punctuation and spaces in the middle are normal. A chipper attitude will help you compete really well against those who claim to know the answers, there really are 30 books of the Bible lurking somewhere in this paragraph waiting to be found.
Some of the jokes found on this page came from BellaOnline.com.
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MR NOT
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CM WINGS
MR DUCKS
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. You have never, ever eaten okra, fried or boiled.
5. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
6. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
7. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
8. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
9. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
10. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
11. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the head football coach's salary.
12. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. (Not to even mention duct tape!)
13. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
14. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
15. You call binoculars opera glasses.
16. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
17. You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.
18. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e.Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
19. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
20. You can do your laundry without quarters.
* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.
* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "praw leen."
* Put Tabasco on everything.
* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.
* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
* Use the terms "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..
* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.
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