Chapter 11
Jeff strolled down the aisle of the grocery store, tossing things in the cart as he went. His mind was elsewhere though, as he thought about the conversation he and Matt had earlier. Matt told him all about the night Emily came over, how for the first time since Shane’s death he felt at peace. Then he told Jeff about how he awoke and Emily was gone. Jeff could hear his brother’s heart break as he told him, and it killed Jeff.
Jeff turned to go into an aisle when his cart crashed into another.
“Sorry,” Jeff said softly, looking up, and staring into Emily’s face.
“Oh Jeff, hi,” Emily said, ducking her eyes away from Jeff’s and pushing a strand of imaginary hair out of her face, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”
Jeff smiled as he studied Emily. Matt told him how Emily had changed, but Jeff didn’t expect what he saw at all. She looked so thin, like a walking skeleton. Jeff shook his head.
“How’ve you been?” Jeff asked.
“Doing better,” Emily replied with a weak smile, she still avoided Jeff’s eyes, “and you?”
“Pretty good,” Jeff said with a shrug.
“How’s Matt doing?” Emily asked, concern evident in her voice.
“Hanging in there,” Jeff nodded, “he’s still a few weeks from returning, but he’s doing better I guess.”
Emily forced a weak smile, “that’s good to hear. It was nice seeing you Jeff, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Wait,” Jeff said, “are you checking out now?”
Emily shrugged, “yeah, I guess so.”
“Cool, I’ll come with you, I’m done too.” Jeff replied, “I wanted to talk to you actually.”
“Great,” Emily answered, her small smile obviously forced. She knew what Jeff wanted to talk about, and it hurt her too much to even think about.
20 minutes later, the two of them were walking out to their cars side by side.
“So…” Emily said, reaching her car and opening the trunk, placing the bags in with Jeff’s help, “What did you want to talk about?”
Jeff shrugged, “just stuff. We haven’t talked in awhile.”
“Not since the day Shane died,” Emily replied, finally looking Jeff in the eyes.
“Yeah,” Jeff nodded, “I guess you’re right.”
“Well, not much has happened since then,” Emily answered, “I’ve been busy at work, taking up most of my time. Keeps my mind off everything.”
“That’s how I’m feeling,” Jeff said, “But Matt, he’s been home and all he does is think about it.”
Emily felt a pang of guilt, she was being so selfish. She knew Matt needed her help through this, and as much as she didn’t want to admit it, she needed his help. But she couldn’t. She finally admitted her feelings to herself about Matt, and she couldn’t risk letting him find out.
“When I saw him the other night, he looked pretty worn out,” Emily said, shutting the trunk of her car, “is he doing better?”
Jeff shrugged, “Depends on what better is. Emily, can I tell you something?”
“Sure Jeff,” Emily nodded, “You know you can.”
“Matt misses you a lot Em,” Jeff said.
“I miss him too,” Emily answered, digging her hands into her jean pockets.
“Emily, that night you came over,” Jeff started, “he told me that was the first time he had felt even remotely happy since the accident. Matt cares so much about you, and when you left… it just…it killed him.”
Emily felt her heart break, the last thing she wanted to do was the hurt the one person she felt she had left. The one person she now considered the person she cared most about in the world. She bit her lip as she considered what to say.
“Jeff… it’s been really hard,” Emily said seeming to chose her words very carefully.
“I know,” Jeff answered, “and I know it has hurt you more then anyone, but it’s hit everyone else hard. Especially Matt, and he’s feeling like he lost two people he cares about more then anything.”
Emily frowned, and bit her lip again. She hated causing anyone pain, especially people she cared about, and especially Matt. She felt the same way though. That she lost two people when Shane died, and she blamed herself for it. She was pushing herself away from Matt, as far as she could get.
“I don’t want to hurt Matt,” Emily demanded, “that’s the last thing I want.”
“I know you don’t,” Jeff replied, “but you pulling away like you are is hurting him, whether you want to or not.”
“It’s hurting me too,” Emily replied, “Matt’s my best friend, and knowing how close we are, but then how far away we are too is killing me Jeff.”
“He cares so much about you…” Jeff started.
“And I care about him,” Emily replied, “I love him more than anything…”
Emily looked at Jeff, and bit her lip as she said those words. She hadn’t wanted to admit it to anyone but herself, but she just did. Jeff looked at her a bit surprised.
“I’ve really gotta go,” Emily said, walking towards the drivers side.
“You’re scared of getting hurt again,” Jeff said as he watched Emily unlock the door, “And you’re scared of betraying Shane, that’s it, isn’t it? That’s why you’re pulling away from Matt.”
Emily didn’t reply as she tried to unlock her car door, but wasn’t able to as her hands trembled uncontrollably.
“Don’t you think Shane would want you to be happy?” Jeff asked, “Don’t you think Shane would want you to get on with your life?”
Emily finally managed to unlock the door, and she opened it quickly.
“Emily, listen,” Jeff said.
“No, you listen!” Emily snapped angrily, surprising both herself and Jeff, “I love Shane, I still do. He was the one man I felt I could be with forever. I am not about to have his best friend take his place, even if I do feel something for Matt!”
“It’s not taking his place!” Jeff replied.
“I can’t!” Emily cried, “I can’t! Please just leave Jeff.”
Jeff looked around, some people were watching. Jeff nodded and picked up his grocery bags. Emily climbed into her car and sat silently, as she watched Jeff walk through the parking lot in her rearview mirror. She watched him climb into his own car and drive away, but she stayed there. She sat in her car and sighed as more tears formed in her eyes.
“Not again,” she cried miserably wiping away the tears violently. She was so sick of crying. But she couldn’t stop them as they spilled out of her eyes and down her cheeks. She gave up and succumbed to her tears. She rested her head on the steering wheel in front of her and let the tears pour down her cheeks as her shoulders trembled. It was the only thing she felt like she could do anymore.
Chapter 12
Chapter 10