Chapter 13
I thought about it thoroughly for the next few days. I realized that, despite what I’ve said, I knew that for the first time since we’ve met, Jeff was more than a friend to me—much more. But it’s too late to tell him so, since he doesn’t love me anymore. That I’m sure.
I went about my daily day-off routines to occupy my time. But at night, when there was nothing to fill my mind about work or anything else, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. It was already two weeks by then, so Jeff would probably be on his way to Vancouver to start work again. I realized I missed him. Not just him—his smile, his presence, his friendship, his everything.
I didn’t feel any better about it. Sure, I could sleep better now, so physically, I’m OK. Emotionally, still on a rollercoaster ride. I didn’t know whether it was really worth taking that risk. Frankly, I didn’t want to be hurt again. Once was enough.
Finally, I decided that there’s no use just sitting here and thinking. If I am to sort out this whole confusion thing, then I should do it with the person concerned face-to-face. Jeff. It’ll hurt a lot if I got rejection, but, it was worth a try.
I made a few calls, then found out that Jeff was indeed in Vancouver with the rest of the tour crew. I reserved a flight there immediately and went back to pack up. It didn’t take me long to get to the airport. I arrived there in a couple of hours.
I called Vivian to ask her where they were currently located. She told me the way to the arena by cell-phone (I saved up enough money to buy me one). I got there in fifteen minutes. She asked me what was the rush, but I just told her there was something important that I needed to do.
I burst inside the arena doors and asked everybody where Jeff was. They were all surprised, if more, suspicious, as to why I suddenly came out of nowhere to be only looking for him. Somebody told me he was working out at the gym across the street. It was already 3 in the afternoon, so the gym wouldn’t be as crowded as it was in the morning hours. I walked over there and opened the doors.
Five guys were working out with their respectable machines. They turned to look at me. But I didn’t care. Jeff was nowhere to be seen. I was just about to ask where he was when he walked out from another room at the back. He stopped in his tracks and stared at me. I felt stupid and shy all of a sudden, now that we had an audience of sweaty guys working out.
“Jeff,” I said softly. I thought that he didn’t hear me. He walked over, oblivious of the others now staring at us. “Hi,” I said with a small smile.
“Hey, I heard you took some time off,” he said. “You came back here to resume your job?”
I sighed. “I came here to talk to you,” I replied. “Can we talk someplace private?”
“Sure.” He led the way to the back room. It was bare, except for a chair in the middle of the room. “Take a seat.” I shook my head.
“No. I wanted to talk to you about us—if there is any us,” I muttered. “I just want you to know where our relationship stands. I mean, I don’t know if I’m making any sense to you, but I was hoping we could go back to the way we were—before all this happened.”
He shrugged. “Sure. We’re friends,” he said almost ignorantly. I got mad.
“Would you stop that! You’re acting like you don’t even know me like you really do,” I snapped.
He stared at me long and hard. “How do you expect me to act?” he demanded bitterly. “After what happened, I don’t think I can ever look at you the same way again. But if you want to go on pretending it didn’t happen, fine. It’s not gonna change anything at all,” he said pointedly.
I almost felt like bursting into tears right then and there. I didn’t exactly plan a verbal argument with Jeff. Especially in a gym. “So, does that mean you…”
He looked at me in the eye. “Yeah, I do and still love you,” he answered in a milder tone of voice this time. “I don’t know about you, but, I’m tired of pretending.” He paused. “You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to have you in my arms—to be honest and real with my feelings for once, whenever I’m around you.”I was taken aback at what he’d said.
“When I said we could only be friends for my own reasons, the real reason I didn’t want to be more than friends with you…” I paused, “I think it’s because I was afraid of getting hurt another time.” I avoided his gaze. “There…was someone. A long time ago,” I said bitterly.
“I’ll never hurt you,” he said gently, walking over to me. “You should know that. I guess maybe I went a little too fast for you. You could have told me about it.”
“How could I tell you after what happened that night? I couldn’t, not with how things were going really icy between us. I was confused, scared. I never really admitted to myself that I really did love you right from the start because I didn’t want it to feel and sound so real.” I fiddled with my silver heart-shaped locket. “Maybe I just wanted us to stay friends and no more than that. I guess the car ran over the speed limit,” I added ruefully.
Jeff was only a few footsteps away from me. “You haven’t answered one question: do you really love me?”
I thought for sometime before answering, “I—I guess so. I mean, I do,” I replied, struggling a bit to get the words out. “I, I came here, hoping that maybe you still have feelings for me. And if you don’t, I guess I wanted to save of what’s left—our friendship,” I explained.
“We still have it, but now it’s so much better,” he said. “I love you,” he added quietly. I walked the last five steps forward and gazed into his eyes.
“I love you too, Jeff,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. I had never felt so sure of what I’ve been feeling all this time. I leaned over and hugged him as tight as I could, wanting to get an extra assurance that he was there in the flesh and that he would be mine to share my joys, my fears, to love and to care, to go through every hardship there was to come our way. And of course, to have a brighter future together.
He hugged me back. After a few moments, we pulled away.
“I gotta go back there and get my job back before someone takes it for good,” I said with a laugh. Jeff wiped the single tear that trickled down my cheek. I smiled at him gratefully and turned to walk away when he suddenly put a hand on my arm and turned me around.
“Before you go, there’s one more thing,” he said, his eyes intense.
“What is it?” I asked.
“This.” He leaned over and gave me a mind-blowing kiss.
Chapter 14
Chapter 12