The GibberBrit Health secretary the RhtLeftRight weresma'weed will make sure each hospital in the country gets an extra 10 Euros each per year. To make sure this money is spent wisely we will enforce each hospital to appoint a manager overlooking how this particular budget is spent. He will be paid 128,000 Euros, this will be money saved from paying porters, cleaners and other essential nursing staff. With increased profitability, newly proposed non-existing pensions and moving targets it should be easy. His contract demands he'd be given a bonus irrespective of his performance. Those who fail to comply will be taken down to the local red on the square and forced to drink ten bottles of dodgy vodka. So as not to upset clients facing surgery we aim to reduce the amount of red in all our campaigns our Director of story making Mr Comical Alistain "Crystal Tips" CampBell will start by getting rid of the BBC and promises to reduce the red tape by changing it to blue, pink,purple and green tape. Whoever is appointed anyway he is most certainly not expected to have to justify fiddling his invoices for toe nail clippers. If anything goes wrong, as with the previous health secretary, we would expect him to walk away. We perfectly understand how the previous secretaries wife's Wimbledon's Qualifiers are more important than thousands of dying patients. We would only ask the leaving secretary to show professionalism even though short skirts are not allowed. Unfortunately player's husbands are also expected to honour a smacking ban in court whilst 24 binge drinking is in session behind the parliament bar. As this was being proposed a row broke out between Weresma'weed and Shadow Deputy Prime Minister John Despot when Mr Despot mentioned "regeneration" he insisted it had nothing to do with the health service and that he was only talking about the Genetically Modified Regeneration of new Gibberite Ministers

Unfortunately our Gibberites are refusing to open a social department in case the drug taking public discriminates them against them. They will also need to wait for another 1,038,943.6 recommendations from 6,847 newly formed committees before they understand how to do their job properly. All the while Charles Lark announced Gibberit children will start sex education at five, "we have a shortage of teenage mothers" and despite being restrained he continued "the sex industry is going down the pan".As teenagers they will learn the art of drug taking in class and be allowed to parade in the latest range of saucy transgender underwear, which they could purchase from any nearby corridor dispenser incidentally sponsored by the growing popular young boys magazine Bash-your-Bishop (All references to sheep are to be removed). It was proposed the magazine be made available in every school library. In case of any opportune authority being shown by the teacher, in the classroom, the pupils will also have the right to beat up their aggressor teacher, especially if they answer back. However, pupils will not be allowed to defend themselves from other bullies in case the bully sues the school. It has been decided underage pregnancies are not to be tolerated, young pregnant mothers will be sent directly from school to the town planning department and advised that they can work part time as a speed hump, this will be just prior to the local council introducing new congestion charges. As part of the "care in the community" scheme Gibberites will be able to claim for congestion on the national health service the rate will be 23 Euros per day irrespective of which dossing relative they may wish to visit

To start all criminal operational entities will be reassigned to speed trap duties under a black ops codename "get the suckers". Real criminals will have the option of serving time on numerous victim support schemes advising those victims on how they can next possibly try to beat up the burglar without fear of prosecution. A special leafleting campaign will ensure that potential future burglar beaters "get the message". Victims will be sent birthday and Christmas cards reminding them how long it was since they were last burgled and when again, it may be their turn next. Victims will also be required to carry an identity card with their DNA, rectum scan, fingerprints, photograph, shoe size and home phone number. Victims will be forced to wear the badges outside. This is so any burglar can easily identify them. Lifelong learning schemes are proposed for burglars showing them how to use the Internet,computer hacking and web cams to increase criminality on each and every victim." The figures are reducing dramatically " claimed Mr Flunkedit, "we need to improve performance" he continued. To help criminals with their walking, Doc Marten footwear will be issued along with a £1500 social grant, primarily supplied from a Lottery Social Fund to help criminals "get back into drinking and community spirit" if criminals refuse to walk we shall give them vouchers for a car, a £20,000 salary and lessons in how to avoid detection.

In the police force, male officers will be required to wear skirts, alice bands and sometimes make up so as not to offend potential criminals of the opposite sex. hairclips are not allowed as they interfere with the new radios. New Maclaren F1s will be offered to the traffic section as this will ensure they can keep up with the latest pursuit. In the event of an accident with a passing member of the public revolving number plates will help ensure no one can take their registration. Ministers like to promote the police force in a positive light and therefore proactive visible policing will be introduced. However, it is expected officers keep to the rules on mid town cruising by keeping the CD/DVD at an acceptable noise level when around town. Not that we would expect anyone to attend countryside calls as cruising is difficult on country lanes with the tall hedges, it ruins the street cred, no one can see you

There will only be one Gibbberite representing sport because winners are not allowed and she can't race against herself can she? She will have total budget control over the Olympic bid, codename "Black Hole" after that other favourite Gibbebrit home sporting pastime.....strip search snooker. To celebrate and for research purposes only, YES I said only, all Gibberbrit ministers will be taken on an around the world trip to assess the competition. In keeping with the success of the millennium the trip will be formally celebrated as the "Olympic Millennium Roam". Again there will be no winners, all ministers will travel to the all the same countries with exactly the same obscene amount of money. In fact to milk even more cash for the trip one of the many un-elected members has suggested it be made into a reality TV show so she can and I quote "get all my shopping, makeovers and other essential freebies, but I would really like a holiday home". The programme name decided up on by the Government CIC Committee and Head of "Story Making", Mr Paul Mustaveit, was "Big Bugger". Alongside, John Despot was coming up with original event ideas and showing a particular interest in promoting an egg throwing task but this was sidelined when during rehearsals, a new intern found him choking his chicken in the back of his Jag. As a result it was decided that our Shadow Prime Minister - Toby Liar will be in overall charge of events and has now declared John Despot as a possible Weapon of Mass Obstruction. We seem to have a problem though, game playing ministers and unelected members were claiming on their return from the U S of A that if Mr despot didn't stop eating their chips they would insist on invading his home town of Bigdaddy on sea. After additional complaints from the game players about the first draft of the game play review, Toby eventually admitted his advisor Comical Alistain Campbell "Crystal Tips" had left the real evidence out of the report and fervently insisted that it was a matter of the tail wagging the dog specifically within 45 minutes and that the information had not been stolen from the homework assignment of a 9 year old found on the back of an old fag packet in the gutter on the outskirts of Sunderland.

Off to Join the Samaritans?

Moving on, Shadow Minister for the economy Gawd'on Frown influenced by the proposed Gibberit European President Mr Gorge, RubbleU Brush has been nominated in charge of the kitty so that the invasion of Iran by ministers can begin as soon as the finances have been cleared, in shares, for laundering. Fortunately again there were to be no winners. After a unscheduled U turn John Despot lost the egg throwing task and then appeared to have an immediate fear for lack of chips in next weeks budget. Gawd'on Frown immediately insisted provisions have to be made, it was noted that there was a possibility of Mr Despot attempting to eat all the other Big Bugger contestants so it was agreed to lock him in the Dairy room where he could milk his own cows instead of the public. In the end a successful trip will be claimed though, since we have drafted in the flaming B.K Growling to write an original magical book about our travels entitled "Lord of the Fings" yes it will be original, honest

However, the trip wasn't without moments, John Despots parents insisted he be vaccinated before returning to the UK. Events took a turn for the worse as Johns parents were arguing, threatening to take each other to court because they couldn't decided on the MMR, XMR or XKR, John took the lead, stamped his feet and insisted he was only to have the two jabs instead. Even though Ms Trowell had unwittingly leaked the story, Toby Liar insisted it was a load of foot and mouth and that one had been a mad cow for sending the email in the first place. Some good came out of the trip though for it was Toby, whilst watching his wife during filming of a reality TV show "48 Hour makeover" that all by himself, he actually invented a brand spanking new stealth tax, proud that it was unique, he pondered that BoTAX was going to be a real money spinner to increase funding in the National Health service.

Alistand was delighted at the new idea of Botax and started to promote the outline to the press. BOTAX or Body orientation Tax would be implemented within the next two years. Everyone would have a Botax implant monitoring all body movement. Whenever anyone lifted a finger, sensors in the implant would record energy usage. As soon as an individual set foot out side their own front door this information would be beamed via satellite along with regularly updated tracking information. Charges would then be made during peak times upon entry into towns and cities, the less energy used the more one would be taxed.Andmea Pliff commented that it would "get Britain moving again, help people lose weight and force the layabouts into a fast walk". Patricia Chewit showed sign of descent when, at the very last minute she suggested an option for a U-Turn.Alistand Darling however rebuffed and said U Turns were only available for other transport policies such as bus lanes, cycle lanes, taxi ranks and motorway junctions. As a gesture of goodwill John Despot, who likes supporting transport policies, decided he was to feature in the reality TV show celebrity fat club and that all money raised would be offered as a untaxed charity donation towards the Shadow Prime Ministers forthcoming trip to Barbados. The Prime Ministers family would be staying in the spectacular villa of Sir Richard Cranium the Third, free of course insisted Sharee'e (Toby's Wife.)

A sing a long tribute to Sir Quiff Richard, Cranium the III?

So we are ready for the next electrocution and we decided to have a party conference. Unfortunately, because of John Despots inability to walk we will now be holding our party conference in Johns home town of Bigdaddy on sea where we are installing a moving walkway, like the one at airports, from his front door to the edge of the pavement. The Gibberite political keynote speech will be entitled "fings can only get better" and "we promise everyfing", Patricia Chew-it from the back added "but don't ask us to deliver because we don't do pizza", this being the basis for electing our lottery sponsored political party. Gorge RubbleU Brush, who nominated Toby Lair for the special congressional "J.Wain" Medal, planned a surprise award ceremony. His speech (Interpreted, just about) for the night was declared as "This medal is awarded for special services in government supporting the US of A, for walking the walk and talking the talk, in honour of the straight talking screen legend who once, also, fell off his high horse".. As a spectacular grande finale the plan is then to dance out the night to our new party tune nominated solely by our Shadow Minister of Indiscretion Peter Pain, sung by the infamous G string People and aptly named "How can we tax you more"

If you are interested in joining our party, want to make a donation as a company then please get in touch and we will enter you into our competition to win a free packet of walkers crisps from yet another intolerable jug eared commoner. If you wish to join our ideals of Gibberism,study Gibberishlam, become a GibberBrit or generally support Gibberites around the world add you name to our list of growing supporters. You can contact us here By Email

Copyright 2003 The Gibberites