Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

I. DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind
legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use
it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out
and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at
all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When
throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's
bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything--just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as
"hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part.

Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember that the
aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in
spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of
the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push
pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her be sure to jump on
the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the
dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.