A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbt. 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong,
uts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,
but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a cherry bomb (fireworks are illegal in 'Bama),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian sait to t he doctor, "I may not be the smartest man,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia Physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it,
place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong,
the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2,3,4,5....", at which point he paused placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
"6,7,8..." BOOM!!!!
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee
.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a Girl,
a babe or a chick,
I am a woman,
Get it?, you dick!?!
~Two angels in the sky of blue
Reaching out with hearts so true
Hands will reach and then extend
Upon the earth their hearts attend
Helping you throughout each day
Touching hearts in special way
Close to you their wings will fly
Two by two for you and I
Precious angel's gentle wings
Babies softness they will bring
See a pretty burst of air
Two special angels always there
Sending you a love they share
Forever you will be aware
Waiting for your special call
Heaven's wings on you will fall.~
THE SADDEST POEM I EVER READ!!!! *TEAR*
Jenny was so happy about the house they had found.
For once in her life 'twas on the right side of town.
She unpacked her things with such great ease.
As she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze.
How wonderful it was to have her own room.
School would be starting; she'd have friends over soon.
There'd be sleep-overs, and parties;
she was so happy It's just the way she wanted her life to be.
On the first day of school, everything went great.
She made new friends and even got a date!
She thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be,
Because I just got a date with the star of the team!"
To be known in this school you had to have clout,
And dating this guy would sure help her out.
There was only one problem stopping her fate.
Her parents had said she was too young to date.
"Well I just won't tell them the entire truth.
They won't know the difference; what's there to lose?"
Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night.
Her parents frowned but said, "All right."
Excited, she got ready for the big event
But as she rushed around like she had no sense,
She began to feel guilty about all the lies,
But what's a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride?
Well the pizza was good, and the party was great,
But the moonlight ride would have to wait.
For Dan was half drunk by this time.
But he kissed her and said that he was just fine.
Then the room filled with smoked and Dan took a puff.
Jenny couldn't believe he was smoking that stuff.
Now Dan was ready to ride to the point
But only after he'd smoked another joint.
They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride,
Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive.
They finally made it to the point at last,
And Dan started trying to make a pass.
A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all
(and by a pass, I don't mean playing football.)
"Perhaps my parents were right....
maybe I am too young.
Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb."
With all of her might, she pushed Dan away:
"Please take me home, I don't want to stay."
Dan cranked up the engine and floored the gas.
In a matter of seconds they were going too fast.
As Dan drove on in a fit of wild anger,
Jenny knew that her life was in danger.
She begged and pleaded for him to slow down,
But he just got faster as they neared the town.
"Just let me get home! I'll confess that I lied.
I really went out for a moonlight ride."
Then all of a sudden, she saw a big flash.
"Oh God, Please help us! We're going to crash!"
She doesn't remember the force of impact.
Just that everything all of a sudden went black.
She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble,
And heard, "call an ambulance! These kids are in trouble!
Voices she heard...a few words at best.
But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck.
Then wondered to herself if Dan was all right,
And if the people in the other car was alive.
She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad.
"You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad."
These voices echoed inside her head,
As they gently told her that Dan was dead.
They said "Jenny, we've done all we can do.
But it looks as if we'll lose you too."
"But the people in the other car!?" Jenny cried.
"We're sorry, Jenny, they also died."
Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me for what I've done
I only wanted to have just one night of fun."
"Tell those people's family, I've made their lives dim,
And wish I could return their families to them."
"Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied,
And that it's my fault so many have died.
Oh, nurse, won't you please tell them that for me?"
The nurse just stood there-she never agreed.
But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes.
And a few moments later Jenny died.
A man asked the nurse, "Why didn't you do your best
To bid that girl her one last request?"
She looked at the man with eyes so sad.
"Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad."
This story is sad and unpleasant but true,
So young people take heed, it could have been you.