right, this is the story of one of my good friends. well here's my story - i guess i cant explain it all - but i tried, :) It all started for me, 4 dayz before my 11'th birthday (well to say it ALL started then would be a lie, but the most of it did). My nan died, in what was, my bedroom, i was in the house (luckily not the room ) and had 2 listen 2 the ambulance call, plus other things i wont go into. i was very close to her, used to see her evry day, life without her seemed pretty desolate, but for a while i could cope with my feelings. My parents have always argued, for as long as i can remember, but after my nan died, emotions flew, and they argued more, and more. also, i had alwasy been verbally bullied, but agen, they hurt you when you are down, this too got real bad. One day i remeber feeling so sad i pulled out a compass, and was stabbing my desk, i hit my hand accidently, and i instantly felt relieved, i still have the scar now, i h8 seeing it - it reminds me of y i am how i am now! over the next few weeks i used my compass alot, it was my escape, then i realised i could bite my hands and pinch them too. I carried on doing this for about a year, but my feelings controlled themselves, and i didn't hurt myself 2 regularly after. But mom and dad argued more, and i figured i was bi, and i was trying to deny it 2 myself, and it all built up, i started hitting my head against walls and punching myself, but also cutting myself on my thigh i'd use scissors, razors nething i could find, but i would always hide my scars, hide the marks, hide my feelings. i must of been about 14 when I came out as bi to my best m8, and my family and things got a bit betta, but mom and dad argued more and it came to the stage where i felt numb nuttin matters - i would hurt myself in many ways i wanted the pain to end, not my life but the pain. Things carried on for a while, i would hurt myself over stupid things. but i would go thro phases - one month i'd think i would be doing ok - the next i would break down. I also had a lot of family problems to go through, which for the safety of my family, i cant say, and i had the teenage issues, bullying, relationships etc, it all built up. Soon afta - my m8 admitted she self harmed - and suddenly i saw light at the end of the tunnel, i wasn't alone. still things went down again tho - my boyfriend cheated on me, but i neva hurt myself over him, subconciously or conciously - i'm not sure which - i realised he wan't worth it. but i did self harm over the feeling of worthlessness, it was only @ this time i felt guilty for doing it, because i only just realised i was worth something. things went bak again, it would depend ont he circumstances as to how bad i was - but it would never go away, i would self harm pretty much evry time i got upset. I also started doing things i knew could kill me, i have a hole in my heart and am at risk from endocarditis, but i'd purposely cut the inside of my mouth, making this risk higher. i dont understand y - i spose 2 shock my body bak into living. I'd also take other stupid risks, just so i would feel alive. I told my parents and a few close friends i self harmed pretty recently - i got a few different reactions, but my dad supported me the most, i'd go 2 him whenever i needed 2 hurt myself, but mom didn't understand, she thought i was 'playing one paretn off against the other'. so i couldn't go 2 him any more, and it got worse. But i realised i needed couselling, and in the process of getting this, also i tried 2 change in myself - i've become more happy, bubbly, less paranoid, and most of the bullying has stopped. its amazing what a change in mind can do! I've just come out 2 the rest of my m8's as being bi - and its taken a gr8 weight off my mind, i'm sorting my problems out - i know nothing will ever totally 'cure' me, but with the help of others, and myself - i'm beating this - day by day, minute by minute - breath by breath, i'm beating this! Charli xxxx - thanx agen!
