Uncovering the Secrets of Child Sexual Abuse

This page is dedicated to all of the SURVIVORS of childhood sexual abuse. My hope is that this page will honor those who have such tremendous strength and courage to heal from this ungodly act of terror on the most innocent of victims.

         Seas

I hope this becomes a safe haven where you will feel encouraged and understood in your journeys. I also hope that this site can serve as a educator to those who don't understand the pain or to those who choose to believe that child sexual abuse doesn't exist. I'm here, my fellow survivors are here to say that this DOES exist. Together we can lift the shield of secrecy and taboo around childhood sexual abuse and maybe stop the future betrayal of innocence while sending a very clear message to the perpetrators of such crimes.

Supportive links

Pandora's Box
Kimmy's Safe Place
The Mining Company
S.A.I.P. ~Sexual Abuse Info Page
ASAR~Sexual Abuse Recovery
Voices in Action
Survivors Voice~Making Changes
Stop It Now!!!
National Committee To Prevent Child Abuse
Child Lures~Helping To Keep Kids Safe
Survivors & Friends

Read my Dreambook! Sign my Dreambook!

This site last updated on 4/25/2000

Missing Kids Alert: Please take a few minutes and look through these photots of missing children. I can't imagine how devistated the parents of these kids must be. Lets get involved and help. Together we can bring them home!

This is my own personal account of being sexually abused by my uncle. I will list his name and town, state as well. This section contains graphic language as well as details of the some of the abuse. If this site will TRIGGER you please avoid it. The truth is often times ugly but personaly I'm SICK of the taboo surrounding this issue. I have been Diagnosed with MPD/DID & PTSD and will expand this site to cover those areas soon.">

The summer of 1977 changed my life forever. It was there in that barren field with my uncle that I became shattered and fragmented. My life was forever changed. My childhood innocence became nonexistent. Cindy, she was a sweet lovable twelve year old kid who was full of life and clueless about what she was about to encounter. Her reason for being on the farm with her uncle was to see the wild horses. In particular a horse named "strawberry." Her excitement was evident by the gleaming smile on her face and overwhelming enthusiasm of getting to the farm as soon as possible. When we finally arrived she leaped from the truck and darted to the fence waiting patiently for the arrival of the horses to appear. Her eyes wide with wonder at the thought of what she would see. Time seemed endless and the longer she waited the more distraught and discouraged she became. Not long after that Sam called her over to the truck and told her he was sorry. He said maybe the horse's would be there tomorrow. Still discouraged, Cindy reluctantly accepted his explanation. Rudy took over where Cindy left off. Rudy is the one that holds all the shameful, bewildered, perplexed, helpless, and embarrassed feelings. Rudy hold's herself responsible for the abuse. She's a sweet 12 year old kid that anyone would love. She's gentle in nature, playful, fun loving and adorable. She carries with her a lot of baggage that no 12 year old should have to bear. Sam picked (Switch) Rudy up and sat her on the seat of his old white pickup truck. He began rubbing his fingers through her hair. To Rudy this was a sense of comfort. An attempt to ease her sorrow concerning the hosrse's absence. Then everything changed and Sam became someone I didn't know. He kissed me but it wasn't a kiss like a mom or dad would kiss you. No, this was different. This was a long kiss. A forceful kiss. Sam put his tongue in my mouth. I tried to pull away but he grabbed the back of my head and pressed it against his mouth giving me no escape from his grasp. This was the first time I realized that my uncle was forcing me to do something bad. Something I didn't want to do. Then he took the strap to my swim suit off my shoulder and rubbed it telling me how beautiful I was. Minutes later he removed the other strap and exposed my bare chest. Filled with humiliation and shame I said nothing. Sam kissed my neck and my shoulders. He sucked on my undeveloped breast and kissed my torso. He ran his hands all over my body, continually making positive affirmations. As if somehow that would make his actions acceptable. He said he wanted to see more. I didn't resist. I remained dead silent. He removed the bottom of my swim suit and rubbed my legs, kissing even inch. Then he reached his hands between my knees and tried to pry them apart. This time he was met with resistance. I was filled with shame and I didn't want him seeing my vagina. he told me to relax. My reply was "no, I don't want to do this anymore," he told me he wasn't going to hurt me and that he just wanted to look. Again he tried to pry my legs apart. This time he was successful & wedged his body in between my legs so I was unable to resist his advances. He said "Oh how pretty" and he started kissing my vagina and rubbing it with his fingers. Then he spit on his hand and rubbed the saliva on my vagina, exploring every aspect of it with his fingers. On the seat of the truck I laid lifeless. I wasn't in pain but I was full of humiliation and shame. I felt uneasy and confused about his actions but Sam appeared to be dominate and authoritative in his actions and words. He wasn't someone I wanted to anger and I knew my resisting his kiss and being reluctant to open my legs annoyed him. I felt uncertain and confused. I felt helpless, as if I were stuck in the middle of an ocean with huge waves crashing overhead and no opportunity to be rescued from this inhuman feeling. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. All of these feelings seemed to pale in comparison compared to what came next. I was a twelve year old virgin who had no idea what sex was about little less what a penis looked like. I didn't even realize there was a hole in my body that could be penetrated. No, My idea of a good time was playing Barbie's with my friend, going to the playground and swinging on the monkey bars, swimming, and hitting the local 7-11 for a cherry slurpee. Sam had another much more sinister agenda in mind. Again, Sam spit on his hands. I expected him to continue rubbing the saliva on my vagina although I had no understanding of why this was so fascinating to him. Sam shoved his finger in a hole I didn't realize even existed. He started thrusting his finger deeply into my vagina causing me a tremendous amount of pain. Then the pain engulfed me. It felt like an internal fire was set. I felt like I was being stabbed over and over again as he thrust his finger in and out of my opening. I started covering my face and beating on my head to try to redirect the pain. I didn't own much but what I did own I used. Before this encounter with Sam I was a lot of things ... helpless, shamed, vulnerable, embarrassed, uneasy, tense, tearful, hesitant, and perplexed, but never fearful. Now I had a reason to be scared. I had reason to believe he was going to hurt me. It was then that I quickly moved away from him to the passenger door of the truck. He said he was sorry. He said he would be more careful. He said he wouldn't hurt me anymore. I didn't have any reason to believe he was lying to me. I told him tearfully that I didn't want to do this anymore. It didn't matter. He pulled me back down the seat of the truck and told me to relax. I told him it was hard to relax because it hurt. He said he'd be more careful. Again, he shover his finger into me. He lied. He spit on his fingers again. He lubricated my vagina and his penis. I started feeling a great deal of pressure in my genital area. As if someone was taking a blunt object and pressing it against you're skin. It wasn't painful, just uncomfortable. I had no idea what to expect and I remember feeling very confused about what he was doing. I felt frozen in fear and I knew this wasn't a man I wanted to cross. When I felt the pressure from his penis I wasn't sure what it was, but then he shoved the head of his penis in my vagina and it gave a whole new meaning to the word pain. I was in agony. it was as if someone took a blunt object and plunged it through my skin ripping the flesh open. I became rageful and combative but he grabbed me by the hips and refused to loosen his grip. For a minute he stayed still ignoring my tormenting please. He barked "RELAX & it won't hurt so bad" at me as if somehow I could accomplish that feat. He didn't move. It was as if he thought that I would somehow get accustomed to the pain I was forced to endure. I knew he was agitated by my reluctance and struggle for freedom. By now I was hostile to. This was my uncle. Sam was someone who was supposed to love me and instead he was killing me. Sam started to violently thrust his penis into my vagina and it was at that point that I couldn't tolerate any more pain. I yelled out for him to STOP! but the more I resisted the more angry and violent his thrust became. He was ripping me apart shred by shred and he didn't stop once to care. The pain felt like an exploding rageful fire inside my body. I was past the point where I could endure any more. I belligerently shoved away from him and resumed my position against the passenger door of the truck tucked in a fetal position. I was rageful, I was hurt, and I was in pain. I was disgusted that he lied to me and caused me such harm. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone. Far away was not far enough away. He repeated the same things to me he had said previously. He told me to relax and it wouldn't hurt so bad. He said he'd be more careful. I yelled at him and told him "You said it wasn't going to hurt in the first place, you're a LIAR! I had NO reason left to trust him. My mindset was that this man hadn't followed through on anything he said he was going to do. I knew he was going to hurt me and hurt me bad if not kill me if he grabbed me again. I realized I was in deep shit and that this mother fucker was going to kill me. He reached for me again with a hateful look in his eyes and Rudy fled. Jade was now on the scene and ready to take anything Sam could dish out. Even if that meant death. Jade protected Rudy from further harm. Jade was up for the challenge. If this was going to happen, if it HAD to happen then Jade wasn't going to let him hurt her without a fight. Even if that meant dying for the cause. To jade fighting was the only thing she had left. It was all she owned. To die without fighting makes Jade a slut (in her mind) But to die for a cause is honorable. At least she knew she tried. Jade is only 12 years old, but she sure gave Sam a run for his money. She got hurt worse because of it but to Jade it was worth it. She's like the eye of a tiger. She had one goal. To make it out alive or die trying. Sam stopped once and held onto Jade tightly. A plan flew over head. Sam stopped his volent attack breifly but still held a firm grip on Jade. The plane flew low and Sam was scared he was going to get busted. That plane was my only sense of hope and hearing it fly off into the distance crushed me. I knew I was alone then. Jade fought, kicked, screamed, and pushed Sam. She did everything she could until she was completely fatigued. It was obvious that she wasn't winning the war despite what Jade thought. She was making Sam mad. Sam was making threats about burying her in a trash pit and cutting her up with farm equiptment..."farming accidents happen all the time" Bottom line Jade was going to die. She was in way over her head. He said he'd kill my pet, my brother, myself, my mom, everyone if I told. He said that I'd be in BIG trouble if I ever told anyone. He'd find me and hunt me down. Reese who is 13 stayed silent for years and it's still a struggle to get past her vow of silence in therapy settings sometimes. I know when Reese is around because like being gagged from the inside out. DEAD SILENCE. She thinks anyone who talks about this is a fool. To Reese, Sam is still to this day a very real and present threat. She's scared he will find her and kill her. She was mad because Jade called Sam and threatened his life. Reese's response to that was "That was really stupid." She's scared and takes Sams threats very literally. Jade on the other hand is like hey...if he's going to kill me I'm not going down without a fight. In comes Ross. Ross is 30 and has more sense than Jade. She understood the threat Sam posed to Jade as well as the others and she paralyzed Jade to prevent her from fighting further & risking death in the process. Jade hates Ross for taking over and sees Ross as a wimp. A willing slut who laid there and let Sam fuck her just so she could live. She didn't fight. She didn't resist. She's a slut. Who cares if I would have died. At least I wouldn't have to feel Sam's hands on me all the time (body memories). See, When jade feels Sam's hands she thinks she can cut them off of her. I've been to the E.R. eleven times because of Jade trys to cut his toxic touch off. In reality all it is a memory but this memory comes in a physical form. Not like a flashback. Pierce is much older and also is a protector. He watches Jade very closely so that she doesn't harm the body. Jade feels nasty in this body. Like clean isn't clean enough and she wants out. What she doesn't know is no matter how much she hates me or how much she wants out she's stuck. So Pierce sedates her with anti-anxiety med. that calm her down. It's not always effective but it's better than nothing at all. Ky, she's 30. Ky watches everything. She's like the informant when she wants to be. I think she knows more than she says. but that's her function. Everyone at some point is going to have to talk to the Doc about Sam and discuss their own experiences with him so he can help.

ABUSER: SAM PRUTCH.......HWY 96...PUEBLO CO